Columbo Catches Edward Nygma (Patreon)

(Script Originally from "The Bye-Bye Sky-High I.Q. Murder Case)

I've been a fan of Columbo for as long as I can remember, and I thought if there was someone clever enough to trip Edward Nygma up, it was him.

My Columbo impression isn't REMOTELY good, but it's close enough to get the feeling across.

Enjoy, or don't. You do WHATEVER YOU LIKE.

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COLUMBO: Must be fun playing with all these trains. It’d be terrific if we just had the time, right sir?

EDWARD: Yes, it would be nice.

COLUMBO: You know sir, it’s a funny thing. All my life I kept running into smart people. I don’t just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school there were lots of smarter kids. And when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there. And I could tell right away that it wasn’t gonna be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured that if I worked harder than they did, and put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open, maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.

EDWARD: I can tell you do. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, Lieutenant, it’s that we all have a cross to bear. Including those of us who seem most fortunate. My problem is just the opposite. Born smart, as they say. A blessing, you’d think. I had no real childhood. I was an imitation adult. ‘Cause that’s what was expected of me. Most people don’t like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift, conceal it from my own brothers and sisters, my classmates, in the service. Painful, lonely years.

COLUMBO: You know, sir, I never thought of that.

EDWARD: I wonder if all those early bitter memories had something to do with my recent discovery that I simply no longer care, even for my fellow intelligentsia in this club. I find them eccentric bores.

COLUMBO: Mr. Nygma, now I’ve got a puzzle for you. Man A wants to kill Man B.

EDWARD: What am I told?

COLUMBO: It’s kind of a minimum information problem, sir. The men are in a room, sir. Say this room. Lots of people downstairs. And Man A, the killer, he plans to use a gun.

EDWARD: Then the shot would be heard.

COLUMBO: Not with a silencer, sir.

EDWARD: He also would have to get rid of the gun.

COLUMBO: He would have to hide the gun. So the killer brings an umbrella with him. May I see your umbrella, sir?

EDWARD: An umbrella to conceal a gun? Audacious and foolhardy, I would say. But you may test your theory, if you wish.

COLUMBO: Oh, I don’t have a gun, sir. Never carry one. The killer has a gun.

EDWARD: With a silencer. So you said.

COLUMBO: You see, sir, the killer plans to put the gun in the umbrella and then hide the umbrella in the fireplace and take it away some other time.

EDWARD: Ah! But then there would be soot on the umbrella.

COLUMBO: You are absolutely right, sir. There would be soot. Now, there is a second use for the umbrella. You see these, sir. They’re like loud firecrackers. We call them squibs. Now the killer plans to fake some shots because the victim is already dead.

EDWARD: I suggest that the squibs would leave bits of paper when they explode. Telltale evidence.

COLUMBO: That’s why, sir, the killer plans to catch the shreds in here.

EDWARD: Most ingenious, Lieutenant. But wouldn’t the squibs leave burns, scorch marks? Now, this umbrella, for instance, is quite unmarked.

COLUMBO: You are absolutely right, sir. But suppose this were the killer’s other umbrella. Oh, I forgot to tell you, sir. Last night when I was at your house, I took the wrong umbrella. Excuse me, sir. Just one moment. I took yours. It was an honest mistake, sir. And we’re not allowed to get evidence that way. But as long as I had it, the lab found burns from the squibs. And lots of soot, sir.

EDWARD: I see. Now, tell me this, Lieutenant. How were the squibs detonated?

COLUMBO: The killer is a very intelligent man, sir. Watch. I put the squibs in the umbrella and the gun. Uh - we’ll pretend that this is the gun. Now, the killer wedges the umbrella up the chimney.

EDWARD: You can’t be serious.

COLUMBO: Oh, I am, sir. I am. Absolutely serious. Now, we’ll just pretend that this umbrella is up the chimney. Now, these wires, sir. They’re attached to a battery and the same kind of squibs. Now, we’ll just put these in the umbrella. And we’ll run this wire, sir, right over here to the Victrola. We push the play button. And we attach the wires here (TCHAIKOVSKY’S ROMEO AND JULIET BEGINS TO PLAY) and here, where I showed you those scratches.

EDWARD: Preposterous nonsense.

COLUMBO: Now the killer knows when the record will end.

EDWARD: Yes, yes, you’ve demonstrated all that.

COLUMBO: And when the arm comes over it will make contact. First here exploding one squib and then here exploding the second.

EDWARD: But the body fell between the two shots.

COLUMBO: Yes, sir. That’s where the killer has to take a very big chance. The dictionary has a line here, dividing it in half. So that it can be balanced on the edge. You see, sir? Like this.

EDWARD: Clever, but too unpredictable.

COLUMBO: Important for the illusion, sir.

EDWARD: The sound of the body falling.

COLUMBO: You’ve got it.

EDWARD: But impossible to time.

COLUMBO: But this killer is very smart, sir.

EDWARD: Can he make the book fall between the two shots?

COLUMBO: Oh, yes, sir.

EDWARD: How? Triggered by what?

COLUMBO: I’ll show you.

EDWARD: He would have to be a genius.

COLUMBO: I think so too, sir. Now I don’t mean to imply that I thought of this all by myself. I mean, some of the smartest people in the world are right here in this club, and they helped me, sir. They helped me a lot.

EDWARD: They’re dunces, the lot of them.

COLUMBO: Mr. Danzinger, the president of the club, you wouldn’t call him a dunce.

EDWARD: Oh, wouldn’t I?

COLUMBO: Well, it was his idea. The book, the vibrations…

EDWARD: Vibrations? What are you talking about?

COLUMBO: The first squib, sir. He really made it sound very simple. When the squib goes off, it produces vibrations. And that knocks the book down. That Danzinger’s a genius!

EDWARD: Vibrations? That nitwit! The man who conceived all this, you’ve made him out to be a bungling ass! No! This is what he would’ve done. This. (BOOK FALLS ON THE FLOOR; TWO SQUIBS FIRE) There! (laughs) There! (laughs) (laughter peters off) Oh, my. (pause) Oh, my.