The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0159 (Patreon)

LUCENZO: Who is riding? What is Hessian?

EDWARD: German Mercenaries, generally associated with the American Revolution, but that’s neither here nor there.

LUCENZO: You!

CRANE: Edward.

EDWARD: Jonathan. Arkham just hasn’t been the same without you. So if it’s all the same to you, Lucenzo, I’m just going to… take them back.

LUCENZO: Galatea.

EDWARD: Oh, she’s a bit… tied up at the moment. You need better wool to pull over these eyes, I’m afraid.

LUCENZO: You are celever. You take another step, and Dottore Crane, he die.

EDWARD: That true, Jonathan?

CRANE: Pseudo pacemaker, controlled by remote, ceases heart function.

EDWARD: Do you trust me, Jon?

CRANE: Absolutely not.

EDWARD: (sighs) After all we’ve been through.

LUCENZO: I said stay back!

EDWARD: Go ahead, push it.

(LUCENZO activates the Heartstopper)

CRANE: Edward, the hell? AUGH!!!

LUCENZO: You see?

EDWARD: Push it again.

LUCENZO: Che? <What?>

EDWARD: PUSH. IT. AGAIN.

(LUCENZO activates the Heartstopper again)

CRANE: AUGHHH!! (falls, begins laughing)

EDWARD: He’s heeeeere….

LUCENZO: Oddio… <Oh my god…>

SCARECROW: Edward.

EDWARD: He’s all yours, Scarecrow.

(LUCENZO tries to activate the Heartstopper twice)

SCARECROW: No. You don’t get to control this body any more.

(SCARECROW pulls the pseudo-pacemaker out of his own chest)

EDWARD: Oh, Jesus. (SCARECROW laughs) I think this belongs to you.

*scythe opening*

SCARECROW: Time to dance, big boy.

(LUCENZO flees)

EDWARD: Wow, he sure can run.

SCARECROW: But he can’t hide.

(SCARECROW pursues, slamming the door behind him)

EDWARD: Well, you’ve been quiet, Lyle. (snickers and switches off ECG) Let’s wheel you somewhere a bit safer. There, nice and -

(SCARECROW is thrown through the door by PIERRO. SCARECROW regains himself and a brief fight ensues. SCARECROW is charged against the wall and is knocked out. PIERRO turns to EDWARD)

EDWARD: Wow. You are a big fella… Easy now. You don’t want to – OOF!

(EDWARD is thrown into the ceiling, landing on a broken table.)

EDWARD: Jesus H… Shit… Well come on, then. I hate waiting.

(PIERRO roars)

(WAYLON tackles PIERRO. WAYLON breaks a metal pipe over PIERRO after three strikes.)

WAYLON: Get back now, Eddie – you let ol’ Waylon handle this.

EDWARD: Waylon Jones, you are a godsend. Ikky! Come on, we’re getting out of here. C’mon Jon…

CRANE: Hnhgh…

EDWARD: Can you walk?

CRANE: I feel like I got hit by a bus.

EDWARD: Close. Let’s move.

(Walking, Stairs, Walking, Flies, Outside)

(EDWARD dials phone)

EDWARD: Query. Edward. How soon can you get here? Alright, you have half that.

LUCENZO: I’m sorry, little man, (LUCENZO cocks his gun) but I can’t let you leave.

EDWARD: *sigh* Sorry Q, gonna have to call you back. Ikky, sit here with Jon.

(IKKY caws)

CRANE: I’m alright, Ikky.

EDWARD: Come on now, Lucenzo. Even you have to see it’s over.

LUCENZO: I don’t think so. It is not over until Professor Pyg says it is.

WAYLON: Eddie – I brought that Bolton boy up with —

(LUCENZO shoots WAYLON)

EDWARD: Waylon! That’s IT! I have *cane* had it with you *cane* hurting *cane* my *cane* FRIENDS!

(LUCENZO is knocked into the pig pen)

EDWARD: (Huffing) He’s all yours, mes petits cochons <my little pigs>.  Waylon! Are you alright?

WAYLON: Through n’ through – I seen worse.

EDWARD: I trust all went well downstairs?

WAYLON: Popped his head like a dandelion. POP! Oh, here’s your hankie, by the by.

EDWARD: I… keep it.

WAYLON: Much obliged. Best see to Jonboy – I hear sirens a’ comin’, so I’mma get outta here. Whatchu want done with thissun?

EDWARD: Just leave him – he’s safe now. Thank you, Waylon.

WAYLON: Wadn’t nothin’, Ed. You two take care now.

EDWARD: Well, that was a hoot, wasn’t it?

CRANE: (Clearly not with it) What happened?

EDWARD: I gambled and won.

CRANE: You brought Ikky to this… nightmare of a place.

EDWARD: Thank you, Edward, for saving my life. Oh, it was nothing, really. Had a blast. All in a day’s work. Come on, our ride is here. Query, Echo. It’s been ages.

QUERY: Hi Boss.

EDWARD: You remember Jonathan.

CRANE: Evenin’, ladies.

QUERY: Oh, hello Doctor Crane.

ECHO: Hi Doctor Crane!

EDWARD: (mocking) Oh Doctor Crane, nyah nyah. GET IN THE CAR.

(Car doors close, car pulls away)

CRANE: Edward, I…

EDWARD: Hmm?

CRANE: Thank you. I don’t know how I woulda done without you there, so… thank you.

EDWARD: You’re welcome, Jon. It’s what colleagues do for each other.

CRANE: What about friends?

EDWARD: Hmm, I suppose friends would too.

QUERY & ECHO: Oooohhh!

EDWARD: Oh, just drive!