GOTHAM CITY PD: CLASSIFIED 06 (Patreon)

(GCN music)

RYDER: This is a GCN Special Report; I’m Jack Ryder. The votes have been tallied and the results are in: Oswald Cobblepot has won the Gotham City electoral race, and will be the next Mayor of Gotham City. This has surprised many critics of Cobblepot, especially given the events of last week’s debate, in which Mr. Cobblepot physically assaulted his opponent, current Mayor Eldon Fisk. We warn you: the following footage is of a graphic nature. 

(cut to) MODERATOR: Mr. Cobblepot, how would you combat the ever-rising crime rate in this city?

COBBLEPOT: Well, as my dear mother once said – 

FISK: Oh Lord, not again. 

MODERATOR: Is there a problem, Mr. Fisk?

FISK: I just – is there something his dear mother HASN’T said? 

(crowd titters)

COBBLEPOT: I would like to remind Mr. Fisk that I was politely silent through his myriad of contemptible codswallop. 

FISK: My apologies – please, tell us what your mommy said.

COBBLEPOT: My mother told me: “One shoulder should never bear the burdens of man.” If there’s a change we need, we must work together to see it done.

FISK: Well maybe your mother should be running for Mayor.

COBBLEPOT: Perhaps, Mr. Fisk. She certainly would have shown more testicular fortitude than you have these past four years. 

FISK: Hey – let me tell YOU something, Cobblepot. I’m not afraid of anything.

COBBLEPOT: Except strong women, perhaps – given your constant interruptions.

FISK: You know what? You AND your mother can go to Hell.

MODERATOR: Mr. Fisk! That is completely unnecessary.

COBBLEPOT: (laughs) It’s quite alright – it’s quite alright. This is just a case of our Mr. Fisk cutting off his nose to spite his face. Well, if he were in possession of a nose to cut off.

FISK: What are you on about? I have a –

(COBBLEPOT lunges at FISK)

FISK: Get off me – oh! Oh God! (COBBLEPOT spits) My nose! He bit my fucking nose off! 

(crowd shrieking)

MODERATOR: Call the paramedics. 

FISK: Oh, goddamn! Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you? Fucking psychopath!

(cut to) RYDER: Oswald Cobblepot has since checked himself in to Arkham Asylum for what his PR Manager is calling “severe exhaustion”. When reached for comment, he had this to say:

PR MANAGER: (over the phone) Mr. Cobblepot is a fighter. If he fought this hard for his own mother, imagine how hard he’ll fight for the mothers of Gotham City. 

RYDER: Meanwhile, our current Mayor is recovering in Gotham City General, after surgeons were successfully able to reattach his nose, following the attack. We at GCN wish both our current and future Mayors well as they recover. 

(GCN music)