Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 022 (Patreon)

(EDWARD and CRANE are tied in chairs, back to back)

CRANE: Ugghh...

EDWARD: I don't believe it.

CRANE: What happened?

EDWARD: You're the doctor, you figure it out. 

CRANE: Edward.

EDWARD: Jonathan! So nice to see you! How've you been? Keeping BUSY?

CRANE: Well, I tried to get you outta here. 

EDWARD: Well, A-1 for effort, Jon - but I'm afraid your execution needs work. ... Oh.

CRANE: Regret the choice of words?

EDWARD: Well I suppose I should commend you on at least MAKING it here. I never had you pegged for a riddle man.

CRANE: I had help from your friends.

EDWARD: I don't keep friends, Jon - we both know friends are insufferable. 

CRANE: Fine. Your devoted ignorami.

EDWARD: Oh, don't be disgusting. You know damn well it's ignoramuses. I mean, it's not enough that I'm stuck here with you, do you really have to foist your grammatical inefficiencies on me?

CRANE: Well... At least I know you're you.

EDWARD: (scoffs) Oh, do NOT tell me you believed Karlo.

CRANE: EVERYONE believed Karlo. 

EDWARD: Oh, for the love of - maybe I should just stay down here forever; if being a sub-par intellectual qualifies as entertainment, these days. 

CRANE: Oh, shut up.

EDWARD: Or what? What could you possibly do?

CRANE: (knocks the back of his head against Edward's head) Hurgh!

EDWARD: Ow! Oh, ho ho - you are something else, Jonathan Crane. 

CRANE: Over-dramatic temperament with high-functioning narcissism.

EDWARD: Oh, over-dramatic? I didn't barge in here with a flamethrower, JONATHAN. Over the top much? I'm surprised you didn't bring your scythe, too. (awkward pause) Ohh... You did! (laughs) Oh, and tell me - with walls barely taller than your HEAD, how were you to wield this mighty weapon? You putz.

CRANE: Hurgh! (headbutts Edward again)

EDWARD: OW! STOP IT. Oh, this is SO embarrassing. 

CRANE: Yeah, well, it's pretty embarrassing for me, too.

EDWARD: I MEANT for you. I wasn't the one who got knocked out like a villain in a pantomime. Oh no! Look behind you! 

CRANE: Fine. Then we'll skip to the high-functioning narcissism. You sent out your little codes to everyone and not ONCE did you think of actually sending out an answer. You had people spending hours DAYS - trying to find you. But you would've rathered died with an unsolved riddle than actually helping people save you, because it would show the world how GREAT you really are! Pathetic.

EDWARD: Oh, pssshh. I had every confidence that the puzzles would be solved. You don't give my fans enough credit.

CRANE: And you don't give them enough respect. Now shut up - I need to think.

EDWARD: Think? THINK? You're tied to the greatest mind in Gotham and YOU need to think? 

CRANE: Well alright then, do YOU have any bright ideas?

EDWARD: Several! But none of them pertain to our current situation! 

CRANE: Then let's think in silence.

EDWARD: Fine. (pause) But... Bronze?!

CRANE: Urrrgh...

EDWARD: How did they think I wouldn't know the answer was BRONZE? 

CRANE: Shh! Someone's coming.

EDWARD: Well hopefully, somebody more competent, this time.

ELLIOT: Good evening, gentlemen.

EDWARD: Or not.

ELLIOT: The time has come. Are you ready?

EDWARD: For what?

ELLIOT: Why... To die, of course.

CRANE: What, just like that? You set this whole shindig up, filled with riddles and mystery, just to kill us both at the end? There had to be some reason for all of this. Too many good minds were lost for it not to be.

ELLIOT: An astute observation, Dr. Crane. Have you ever heard of cerebral grafting? 

CRANE: Well by name alone, I can assume what it is, but that's impossible. You can't fuse brain matter together. It's impossible.

ELLIOT: It was. But thanks to Mr. Nygma here, it's now a reality. 

EDWARD: Me? (scoffs) I didn't do anything.

ELLIOT: Oh, but you did, Edward. You were the first successful run of the NanoTech prototype. The information gathered from your - precious mind was invaluable. We found we could extract information, memories, anything we wanted, and essentially copy it to another brain. 

CRANE: You could make someone a genius in a matter of hours. 

ELLIOT: Minutes. 

CRANE: Well then why kill the rogues? Why not use their minds too, like Edward? 

ELLIOT: The technology is still... imperfect. Sometimes it takes, sometimes it doesn't. But I can't risk letting word of this get out. Unfortunately, they had to be silenced.

EDWARD: But you haven't even tried it on us! You're just going to kill us without even trying?

ELLIOT: Your mind is broken, Edward. There are too many fingerprints in there, now. As for Dr. Crane - well, he gave us something... Much better.

CRANE: I gave you nothing. 

ELLIOT: It didn't take us long to realise that your brilliance was not your own, Dr. Crane. You may have solved the riddles, but you didn't act alone. 

CRANE: No...

ELLIOT: You brought DOZENS of minds to my doorstep. Hundreds. Fresh minds to test on. To take. For the greater good. Why would I need one mind when I have a legion of them now? They will be invaluable to the Brainiac resistance. 

EDWARD: Harvesting our LISTENERS? Oh, that's low, even for you, Elliot.

ELLIOT: I mean, honestly, Jonathan. What use could your mind be to me? Someone who runs in through the front door to save their dear friend? Someone who tries to save the day, all by themselves.

CRANE: Well before you kill me, Elliot - I have two points. First off, Edward is a colleague, not a friend - 

EDWARD: Hurtful!

CRANE: And secondly, whoever said I came here by myself?

EDWARD: Unexpected!

CRANE: (power down, hissing of gas) You might not want to breathe, Edward.

EDWARD: Oh, no. Not again.

ELLIOT: (coughing, hears his mother whispering his name, lullaby music) Who's there? No. This is a trick. (fires his gun) This is toxin. (hears his mothers voice) You're not real. (fires) You're in my head. I'm sorry! (fires) I'm sorry, mother, alright? Get away! Arrgh! (fires twice more) Arrgh! (gets punched several times) 

CRANE: You certainly like to wait until the last minute, don't you?

BATMAN: Gordon. Elliot is down. Area's secured. 

EDWARD: Well, kudos, Crane. I didn't think you played well with others. Now if you'll just untie me, I'll get out of your collective hair.

BATMAN: YOU'RE going back to Arkham.

EDWARD: But I - uggh. Fine. There's more psychopaths on the OUTSIDE, anyway. 

CRANE: (is untied) Thank you, Mr. Wayne. I believe this squares us up nicely? (leaves)

EDWARD: Argh! You're letting HIM go? What, did he save your LIFE or something? (pause) AHHH! You DID! Whose side are you ON? Is no one going to untie me? Hello? Ohh, this SUCKS.