Batting 1000 (Patreon)

This is a celebration of hitting 1,000 watchers on dA!

Batting 1000

“Baseball Is Too Boring Now!” was the headline making the rounds on all of the news aggregation sites.

Destiny stood at a podium giving a press conference on the death of America’s defining sport and oldest major league association. She was so tall, legs so long, that it was the podium in front of her that needed the stepstool to accommodate her height! Meanwhile, her breasts were a perfect small, spherical, and athletic, reminiscent of… well, a pair of baseballs.

Behind them was the iconic image of Destiny swinging a wooden bat so fast that it ignited on fire. The burnt husks of what remained of each of the 162 bats, one per swing per game in the season, were valued collectors’ items. The oft-celebrated ceremonial pitch had been usurped by Destiny’s first at bat. It was effectively ceremonial now. As soon as she struck the ball no matter what the pitch, the other team surrendered before any further damage to the stadium or injury to the players could occur. It looked like there would be no seasons conducted in the future.

“Questions please, one at a time. Yes sir, you.” The moderator pointed at a raised hand.

“Destiny, how do you feel about single-handedly bringing down America’s pastime?”

“I don’t see how I can be blamed for it. I followed the rules of the game, and I played to the best of my ability. If giving 100% is the American way, then that’s exactly what I did.”

“Next question please!” The moderator pointed at another.

“Did you consider the feelings of the other players? Of the athletes who trained all their lives to play this game before you trivialized all their hard work?”

“They were trying to strike me out. Why should I feel bad for sending baseballs hundreds of miles into the distance? That’s the game.”

“What about when they tried to walk you and you still hit a home run on the first pitch?”

“Oh. Is that why they were stepping off to the side so much or throwing such bad pitches? I thought they were just inferior players. Well, inferior-er, I should say.”

“Next question! Folks, one question per reporter, please.”

“Will you go back to basketball, Destiny?”

“Don’t know. Dunking from the half court got a little boring with my flying powers. Maybe a racket sport, like table tennis or badminton.”

The crowd of reporters groaned in disappointment.

A whole flurry of hands shot up now. Apparently this was a popular topic.

“We really liked you playing basketball Destiny. But if basketball isn’t your thing, how about a sport with a bigger ball?”

Destiny took off her signature shades and narrowed her eyes.

“What sports have bigger balls?” she asked suspiciously.

“Well, beach balls exist. I’m sure we could come up with a sport for that…”

“What angle are you getting at? I’m an athlete, not some sort of swimwear model.”

“WE WANT TO SEE YOU WITH BIGGER BOOBS!” One of the raucous reporters yelled out.

The crowd hooted in agreement.

“Yeah! Baseball’s too small!”

“Can’t even see your boobs from the back in that picture!”

“Go back to basketball! Or something bigger!”

“How about an enormous shotput! We’ll build one!”

Everyone started to clap.

“So that’s all you care about, huh? Me having large boobs. Bigger than a human head, I take it.”

The crowd cheered uproariously.

“You know, I hear golf was invented by severing the head of an animal and trying to hit it into a hole.”

She hovered above the podium, sneering ominously.

“So how about I do that? Who here has the biggest head? I’ll rip it right off and give you all a nice show…”