Get Smart: Look Who's Crossdressing Now (Part 2 of 4) (Patreon)

“You know anyone who is gay?”

“Um, no.”

“You know our agent Liberace?”

“Yeah, what about him.”

“Gay.”

“Gay? But there are women all over him.”

“That's his cover.”

“I don't believe it.”

“You know who else?”

“Who?”

“Paul Lynde.”

“The center square on Hollywood Squares? He is usually surrounded by women.”

“Yeah, Eartha Kitt, Abby Dalton, Rose Marie, and Gisele MacKenzie. If he wasn't surrounded by all women, they would have a lawsuit on their hands. You know why you can't see him from the chest down?”

“Because there is the big 'X' or 'O' in front?”

“No, because he is always wearing a skirt, with hose and high heels.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he and Eartha Kitt share a wardrobe.”

“I don't believe it.”

“You know who else is gay?”

“Who?”

“Rock Hudson.”

“The rock is gay?”

“He's had more men than Mae West.”

“Wow!”

“But what does that have to do with KAOS opening a clothing store. KAOS has to wear clothes too.”

“I already made that joke.”

“Don't correct me, I'm the Chief!”

“Sorry about that Chief.”

“Better.”

“It's a children's clothing store: girls ages newborn to seventeen.”

“That's odd, most of their killers are men.”

“That is what I thought,” Max said stealing 99's point.

“Maybe you are right, you and 99 should investigate.”

“How?”

“Act like a married couple looking for clothes for their daughter. That should do it.”

Max and 99 drove to KAOS Clothing. They circled the block looking for anything suspicious.

“Looks alright,” Max told 99.

“I don't know, something doesn't seem right.”

“What did you say?”

“I said it doesn't seem right.”

“I can't hear you.”

“Your allergy is still acting up?”

“Make sure you are facing me. I think seeing your lips will help me make out what you say.”

“OK, I said something seems off. You know not quite right.”

“What do you mean. I don't recognize the customers. No one on the top ten killer list or anything like that.”

“I don't know it just seems odd.”

“What does?”

“Most of the mothers are coming in with their boys.”

“What is wrong with that?”

“It's a girls' clothing store. The boys also seem eager to go. Boys usually don't like to buy new clothes.”

“I think you're right. Let's go in.”

Max and 99 parked a few blocks away and walked into the store. Their suspicions were confirmed. Mothers (and some fathers) were obviously shopping for their sons. They held the clothing out in front of the boys seeing how it would look. Then they took their boys into dressing rooms. None of the boys were wearing skirts or dresses, but the tops and pants that the boys were wearing were definitely girlish.

There seemed to be a lot of women coming in with boys. Even some fathers came in with boys. There were of course several women with their daughters, but it seemed like there were more boys than girls. The tops tried on were mostly in pastel colors and/or were graphic tees that would appeal more to girls than boys. Kittens, butterflies, and unicorns adorned the tops. Ruffles, sequins, and puffed or capped sleeves were the norm. The bottoms were tighter and more colorful than boys' pants should be. These boys weren't selecting completely sissy fashions, but they were heading in that direction. Mothers were talking about getting rid of these boys' dirty or ripped apparel and replacing them with these new things.

“Can I help you?” a salesperson asked.

“Oh, we saw your commercial and thought we would stop by.”

“Yes, the holidays are coming. You are looking for something nice for your...?”

“Our daughter.”

“Yes, we have a wonderful selection. If you don't find what you like just ask.”

“Thank you.”

“I've seen enough,” Max told 99 confidentially. “Let's see what the Chief thinks.”

“But before we go, I need to see one thing?”

“What?”

“You know I think you would look really good in this shirt,” 99 told Max. She took a top from the rack. It was a white knit top with a V-neck and a pink applique of a dolphin wearing a hat. It had cap sleeves that left the entire arm bare.

“I can't wear that,” Max said.

“Why not?”

“Because as a CONTROL agent I always have to wear a tie, and this doesn't have a collar.”

“How about when you are off work, the dolphin is so cute and without sleeves, I can see your muscular arms.”

“Come 99, we have to tell the Chief.”

“Are you sure you don't want to try it on?”

“Don't be ridiculous.”

“I think you would look really cute it in. You like dolphins, don't you?”

“Let's get out of here.”

“OK, how about this light-yellow uniform shirt with the peter-pan collar and short sleeves? You can wear it with your suit and tie.”

The saleswoman returned and asked, “Can I help you?”

“No, we have to be going,” Max said.

“Yes, do you have this in powder blue?” 99 asked referring to the schoolgirl uniform shirt.

“We do.”

“Maybe another time, we have to go,” Max told her while hustling 99 out of the store.

“What are you doing?” Max asked 99 as they walked to the car.

“Nothing, I just thought you would look really cute in that top. But I see what you mean about the yellow, powder blue would look so much better.”

“Drop it, let's return to the office. Tell the Chief what we saw.”

“OK, Max.”

Max and 99 passed Larabee who was sitting at his desk outside the Chief's office. They didn't bother to ask his permission to enter the office.

“Chief, we got to talk to you.”

“What is it, Max.”

“KAOS is selling girl's clothing to boys.”

“What do you mean?”

“It's a girl's clothing store, but boys are buying the outfits.”

“So what.”

“Don't you understand, if the boys are wearing girl's clothes how will they play like boys? I mean think of football. Boys can't play football in skirts, when they get tackled they will show off their undies.? This is a plot to destroy our way of life!”

“I don't understand.”

“Well first football, then baseball, America's sport. Then who knows what else. Soon KAOS will be coming for apple pie, coca-cola, and Chevrolet: all things American.”

“Did you see any boys wearing skirts?”

“Well, no.”

“I don't think this is a problem. I told you there are more gays in America than you think. This is probably the sissy boys expressing themselves. There is nothing wrong with being a sissy no matter what the public thinks.”

“But I think this is serious.”

“Drop it, we have more important concerns.”

“Like what?”

“I want you to protect the TK-800. KAOS's European branch is trying to get it into the country.”

“The TK-800?”

“Right”

“Chief, if they ever get the TK-800 out of Europe, we are in a great deal of trouble.”

“Uh-huh.”

“There is only one thing that bothers me Chief.”

“What is that?”

“What is the TK-800?”

“I'm sending you and 99 to Belgium to deal with the TK-800 situation.”

“When do we leave?”

“Now. Your bags are already at the airport. You leave immediately.”

Weeks later Max called Control on his shoe phone.

“I take great pride in saying the forces of evil have once again been foiled,” Max announced over his phone. “in their attempt to extinguish the torch of liberty...Sorry about that.” Then to 99, Max said, “Wrong number.”