September 2021 - $1 Tier Apology Email (Patreon)

Duuuude. We don’t have your dollar. I know, I know, we said we’d give it back. And this email comes to you as a direct contradiction of our previous messaging. But you know what we’ve got? A story. And isn’t that what’s most important in life? The stories we tell, that’s how we communicate, how we share our lives with each other -

You want your dollar? Ok, well that’s not gonna be possible. And here’s why.

We framed it. See, we framed it, like, in celebration? And so we’d know where it was when we needed to return it to you. But mostly to commemorate our first dollar borrowed from our great friend [YOUR NAME] through Patreon. And what an accomplishment it is! Aren’t you proud of us? We know we’re proud of you.

So we left for the weekend - we separate work and life, we have boundaries, these are all good things, right? And our regular armed guards patrolled the premises like they do every weekend - thanks for your help Ronald and Linus!!! and you’re not going to believe this - but they were distracted by a beautiful woman that turned out to be a deceptively painted trash can. They were then unfortunately hogtied by a group of as-of-yet unidentified professional thieves who proceeded to use acrobatics to hop over the laser alarms, and then drilled holes through the safe to steal the dollar you loaned us. They escaped from the roof using a carefully lined up aerial ladder from a borrowed fire truck.

But hey, we’re going to get your dollar back. We’re going to! Cross our hearts. The heist team wasn’t a plant or a laundering scheme or anything. We’re going to get your dollar back - but in pursuit of that, we’ve gone ahead and debited your card on file another dollar. For the rescue efforts. You understand, right?