BTS: It Gets Bearder by Hien Pham (Patreon)

Please welcome this Behind-The-Scenes post by Hien Pham! He is sharing his creative process of how he made this week's comic, It Gets Bearder. This was originally shared on his own Patreon, so head over there if you want even more thought process posts from him. 

-Erika

---------------------------------

CW: depression, suicidal ideation

This month's OJST is all about the immigration of my head hair down to my beard! The origin of the comic's sentiment is a heavy one. During one of the lowest points in my life, I was wrestling with severe depression and losing badly when I caught a glimpse of my beard in the mirror. I've always looked at it, but I don't think I've ever seen it so clearly then. It looked good. I had a good beard. It was the first time I could bear really looking at myself in months and I thought "what a waste if would be if I don't keep going".

OJST's ideal tone is a lot lighter than that original narrative, so I had to look into ways of lifting up that initial sentiment without losing the weight of the surrounding circumstances.

It would be a "waste" because I've come so far. "Waste" is a really heavy word to use because it brings to mind that downward spiral, so let's shift the focus onto "I've come so far": where was I before, and where am I now? I used to be in a place where I didn't have control, but now I am in a place where I do.

Ok, so what was the place that I didn't have control over? This is where that page 1 anecdote came in handy! It presented a series of things that happened without directly referencing - while still heavily implying - how they made me feel, barely skirting around emotional descriptions. On the next page I used the word "fled" to describe my hair moving to my chin. This 1. implies that "where I used to be" was bad, "where I am now" is better and 2. puts the focus on the latter.

This page is also the first time the comic explicitly mentions how I "feel", so now emotions are brought front and center and they're immediately associated with an act of care: self-care, beard care. After a lot of strategic wordsmithing, we're off to the borderline-cliche-but-painfully-sincere rest of the comic!

The first draft I sent over was based around "it gets better". By now, it's kind of a household phrase for us queer kids who need something to hold onto in our darkest days. That script read:

Every time I brush my beard, I'm wrestling back a form of self-expression that was denied to my younger self. And I get to tell him that-

It gets better

You grow a beard. It's thin and it doesn't show up on photos all that well, 

But nobody pulls it off better than you.

You'll grow it long and you'll trim it short. Do whatever you want with it because it's yours. Nobody get to tell you that you body is unacceptable.

The way they look at you won't matter. You matter.

It gets better. Bearder than ever.

This draft felt really internal. There's a lot of context and meaning behind the things I said but I did want to spell it out more clearly and move away from just me in my own head. Plus, another facet of beard care is sometimes on those really horrible days, I don't have the heart to care for myself, but I can and I do still care for my beard. By caring for my beard I end up spending time and effort on myself and I start to the healing process.

After one more round of revision, the final comic is something I'm super proud of! Although I'm a bit disappointed I couldn't find space for the "better / bearder" pun haha!

Thank you all once again for reading and for supporting me! I am grateful in more ways than I could ever express. Thank you!

Take it easy and take care, everyone!