Just, like, soooo depressed (Patreon)

Haha guys I have been, like, super depressed the last couple months. I know how annoying it is to read that sentiment, like, aren't we all struggling? We've all got our worries and our hardships, it feels so... selfish to pop into your life just say to "Hey, I know you've got your own problems, but I just want you to know that I'm not doing so hot!" What are you supposed to do with that information? What do I expect to get from sharing that with others? The answer is nothing. But here is the thing: I feel ok sharing that right now because in the last couple days I've started to pull out of it. At least, I hope I'm pulling out of it and not just experiencing a 36 hour respite before my brain throws itself back into the fog. 

Ok. So anyway. The last few months have been super rough in the mental health department. That's why I haven't been able to make you guys more updates on here. I've got about four or five (or six???) rough draft posts that Matt has written up that I need to spell and punctuation check* but even the basic act of editing the spelling of somebody else’s writing just feels insurmountable at this moment. 

*TANGENT: My sweet, smart, eloquent husband is severely dyslexic and even though he IS, I think, a good storyteller, his spelling and punctuation and general writing structure are… Hm. Well, they are a bit bizarre. But if you had him verbally read back the sentences he writes, they sound find! Because his brain knows what he’s meaning to say and the rhythm with which it’s meant to be read! But it does not translate into the plainly written word. So that’s where I come in. It’s like he’s this sculptor who can make these beautiful statues, but he’s got so much clutter and mess surrounding them that you can’t really see the sculpture behind them, and then I come along with a broom and tidying the place up so you can focus on the thing that he’s actually made, y’know? 

SO ANYWAY. 

Starting Friday afternoon, it feels like this thick soupy fog has lifted a bit off of my brain. I wish I could say it’s because I did something special, tried something new, but I think it’s really just my brain chemicals shifting of their own accord. The last few months I’ve been focussing on just getting the bare minimum done. Get up. Take my bipolar meds. Put on clothes. Get on the bus. Draw the comic. Post #Fresh #Content on social media. Eat three times a day. Work out 1-2 times a week at my pole studio. Briefly text or talk with a close friend as many times as I can manage in a week. It sounds so basic, but it took everything in me to keep maintaining those fundamental practices, and anything outside of that was superfluous. I dunno, I kinda figure most of the people who follow my work either have personal experience with depression/Mental Illness or have probably read an article or two about it, so you don’t really need me to describe it, right? It’s garbage. For me, it’s like my brain and physical senses are telling me I’m on fire and what I SHOULD be doing is rolling around on the ground screaming in pain and I have to consciously tell myself “This is passing. You will not feel like this forever. So just keep swimming as if you’re not on fire and eventually you won’t be. I hope.”

Remember my Hourly Comic and Matt was all “maybe you need to adjust your meds?”, well I did. Several weeks ago (maybe a month or so?) I got on Lithium like an Officially For Reals Bipolar Person, in addition to the Lamictal and Fluoxetine I was already on. Maybe it is finally kicking in? Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little relief. I hope so. Or maybe it’s because I’ve kept up my routine of maintaining my bare minimum practices of Being Functional. Perhaps it’s a combination of the two! Probably. I’m trying not to get my hopes up that this relief will last for a while, but dang, I really hope it does. 

BRAINS, amirite? Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. 

Haha and just because I’m starting to feel better doesn’t mean I will actually answer my email. I think I’m about a day or so away from declaring Email Bankruptcy and just archiving everything. Everything. There’s too much and I’m just one person and I can’t… I can’t give everyone what they want. It doesn’t sound like much, just replying to a letter. Such a simple task! But that is My Thing. We’ve all got That Thing that just paralyzes us and even though it feels like every other functional adult can do it, you just can’t rise to the challenge. Maybe it’s mowing your lawn. Or returning the library books. Or calling the fix it person to come repair that broken thing at your home. It’s so simple. But the thought of attempting it makes you want to go to sleep for a hundred years. 

The moral of the story is: If you have a question that actually needs an answer, you gotta email Matt. If you just want to write a thing and send it out into the ether without ever getting a confirmation that it was, indeed, read, then go ahead and send it to me. 

I meant to write about this way back in the second paragraph but then I got distracted. What I wanted to talk about was that phenomenon when you’ve got a bunch of important exams or a big project that’s due and it’s fucking brutal but you keep pushing yourself and you just have to make it through it and then you’ll get to have a week off or something. So you push yourself and you get! it! done! and then it’s the first day of your break and… you’re sick. Your immune system could support you just long enough to get that Important Thing done and now it’s like “That’s it, I’m out, you’re on your own.” and you just have to lie in bed for a week while your body gets ravaged and then recovers. 

I think that’s what’s going on with my brain. 

2016 was really, really, really hard. I didn’t fully understand it in the moment because I was just focused on Getting Through our immediate challenges, keeping the boat floating long enough for us to get to land. So I knew things Weren’t Good, but I just didn’t have the time or energy to really look at it and understand just how hard it really was in the moment. And now that things are getting better, now that our boat has reached land (or, at least, land is within sight), my brain is like “Oh good, now that the fire is under control, I can take a break from being strong and resilient. TIME TO CRASH AND BURN.”— like when your immune system is all “Ah, now that you’ve met your deadlines, it’s ok for me to get sick”. So my brain is all like, “The immediate danger is over? Cool, let’s just PLUNGE INTO A DEEP, SELF-INDULGENT, OBNOXIOUSLY CLICHÉ DEPRESSION”. It’s my mental version of getting the flu. 

I hope I’m almost done with my brain flu. I hope I get a couple weeks free from it. Dare I hope for a few months? We’ll see! In any case, I will enjoy this little break I’ve had since Friday. Just long enough for me to go see a movie with my friend later today :)

You seen any movies recently? Even if you havent, I'm wishing you all a calm, peaceful brain for an evening. 

Sincerely,
(☉ε　⊙ﾉ)ﾉ
(Self portrait of the author)