More Bummer Times from yer ol' Pal Erika :D (Patreon)

I made the decision to break up with someone who has been a close friend of mine for, jeez, probably about a decade. Wait, over a decade, I think.

I dunno, man.

It sucks.

It’s made me feel a lot of empathy for my ex when she dumped me the first time, back in my early 20s. At the time I was fundamentally not in a place in my life and self-awareness to understand why she broke up with me. It felt as if it had come completely out of the blue and I was fucking devastated. Of course now, in my 30s, I can retroactively see the times she tried to talk to me about her concerns and, yeah, christ, I woulda dumped me too. But I was blind to it then. I was blind to my behavior, I was blind to (some) of her needs, and I was especially blind to why on earth would someone end a relationship with someone they love? LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED, RIGHT? (haha, no, of course not. Love is not enough, as I’ve talked about before.)

But yeah, back to the present. I dumped my friend.

I’ve felt that shocked hurt that was on their face. I’ve experienced that sense of being blind-sided, of not seeing this coming. I’ve felt that raw betrayal from someone I loved and trusted.

My prior attempts to feebly express concern were just... They weren't in a place to hear it. And I wasn't strong enough to insist "No, really”. So my comments would be brushed aside and the good times friendship would continue uninterrupted and I was watching someone I care about implode and hurt others at the same time.

I wasn’t planning on breaking up with them. I planned on having a heart-to-heart where I told them “I love you and I am worried about you and this is why and you need to get help.” I mean, that’s what I did do. It… it did not go well. It wasn’t a fight. It was me saying “These behaviors are hurting you and scaring me.” and them telling me “You’ve got it all wrong.”

They’re fundamentally not in a place in their life and self-awareness to understand. It feels like this has come completely out of the blue to them.

I didn't do it "right". And there was no "right" way to do it.

But what could I do? I felt like human garbage enjoying the fun parts of the friendship while passively watching them self-destruct. I didn't want to show up at their funeral thinking "I enabled this”.

Ending this relationship has made me so scared. I’m terrified of my friends doing this to me. I’m frightened that I am blind to some trait or behavior of mine that is so glaringly obvious to everyone around me. I’m afraid my friends will try to gently bring it up and I won't understand and I’ll keep digging down further into it and at some point I’ll have forced them to abandon me because I’ve unknowingly become a toxic force in their lives, poisoning them and poisoning myself as well. Just like my friend. Just like my mom.

Haha, oh god. I didn’t realize the parallels to my mom until I wrote it all out. Jeez, it’s friggin’ uncanny, no wonder it’s freaked my shit out! I mean, losing a friend is going to be awful anyway, but the way this played out…

NEWSFLASH: I will be terrified I am going to turn into my mom until my dying day.

So yeah, this event and these free-floating feelings of fear have been rattling around my brain for a few weeks now. WELCOME TO MY BRAIN :D