High Functioning Crazy (Patreon)

Man, the last two weeks, and especially this last week, have been real rough on my poor body and brain. Just, real weak, real tired, brain on fucking fire. It’s frustrating, because I met with my psychiatrist last month-ish and I was doing ok-ish at the time and my blood draw said my lithium levels were safe so we didn’t adjust any of my meds but now it’s like, fuck, do I need to tweak my brain drugs again because I am barely functional 😬 

I can’t imagine what life would look like if I weren’t bipolar. 

I know it wouldn’t be perfect or necessarily any easier but, dang. Haha. What would it feel like to not carry this particular boulder on my back for the rest of my life? What would it be like to feel a feeling, positive or negative, and not immediately scrutinize it for signs of impending mental illness takeover? What’s it like to trust your thoughts, your gut? Crazy. 

I dismiss myself and I get dismissed by others because I’m Crazy. 

I’m High Functioning Crazy: I maintain long term relationships, I work hard, I contribute to my community and pay my taxes, but still, at the end of the day, I am and always will be Crazy. Crazy Girl with the Crazy Thoughts from her Crazy Brain and its Crazy Brain Chemicals that overwhelm my poor exhausted body.

I didn’t intend to write about bipolar stuff when I started tapping out this caption (I was just gunna say I’m tired and leave it at that), but now I can’t help but appreciate what a perfect photo this is for it. 

When I set up this picture with my ten second self-timer and my phone leaning against a cement pillar, I had tried to frame it so I’d be on the far left and the grocery store would fill the right 2/3rds of the image. I was annoyed this had turned out perfectly centered but now it’s like, yeah, it’s split down the middle like my mind is, half filled with a beautiful, disorganized sky and the other side a dark, ugly cement building, and here I am, balanced in between the two.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(A version of this was originally posted on Instagram)