16 - 20/365 (Patreon)

16/365 - January 17, 2011
Trying to finish inking two pages of Bucko tonight so I can start penciling the next one tomorrow. Guh, probably not going to finish in time.

17/365 - January 18, 2011

I think about identity and labels a lot. 

No, I don't have anything particularly new or insightful to share that hasn't already been written on a hundred other blogs. All I've got are half-baked theories and beliefs that are pretty much entirely unresearched and when I try to talk about them with people I know I sound like a ranting blowhard. 

Does it matter that I identify as queer? 

Being in an oppositely-sexed marriage to a cis-man, I'm not exactly on the dating market so is it necessary to advertise that I'm attracted to other genders than my husband's? If I were single, yeah, I'd need to let people know about my sexuality in order to find potential sex partners. But now? Isn't it enough for me to know that for myself, what exactly am I hoping to accomplish by describing myself as "Queer" in interviews and when I speak on LGBT panels? I'm not really DOING anything particularly queer.

There's abstract arguments to make in favor of this, such as: being out about my sexuality contributes to an overall culture of making it okay to be "out"… I guess? A ton of people, mostly women, thank me in emails and at conventions for sharing my story because it's so similar to their own, that they feel less alone knowing someone else has gone through exactly the same experiences. That… does that count for anything? It makes me feel good, but does it validate continuing to publicly make a point of labeling myself "Queer"? 

But then there are the people, primarily lesbians, who are angry at me for calling myself queer. They say I'm not allowed to identify myself as one since I'm married to a cis-man, that the evolution of my personal sexuality and relationship is somehow offensive to them. I just want to ask them, would you really prefer that I renounce my queerness? Wouldn't that be MORE offensive to say "I WAS gay until I found THE RIGHT MAN". Do they really want me to be an "ex-gay"? Wouldn't that validate a really hateful, dangerous way of thinking about sexuality? 

The first person I was in a serious relationship with gradually went from identifying as "female" to "male" over the course of the four years we were together. This was the person I was completely sure I was going to marry some day, and if it had actually come to that then I would have been a woman marrying a man. Would those angry detractors of mine still insist I'm not queer in that case? I would still be a woman with a man, but I somehow suspect they'd be a bit more lenient in their judgments if my partner weren't cis. 

Yes, I'm a cis-woman and Matt's a cis-man and we have a totally awesome, fulfilling sex life with each other, yet both of our sexualities and our relationship feels so far away from what we both perceive to be heteronormative.  But on the outside, that's what we look like. Another straight couple enjoying the rights that are automatically granted to heterosexuals when they get married. Well, except in regards to immigration. Oh my lord, I should tell you about our immigration experience sometime, it was held up for a YEAR because INS determined me be too gay to be in a legitimate marriage with my husband. Hilarious homophobia galore.

So I keep going around in circles. It's nobody's business what the complexities of my sexuality are and they're kind of a moot point since I'm not on the dating market. But I don't want to blend into the majority as Just Another Straight Couple, because, dammit, we're not one. 

I am a queer.  …But do I need to keep telling people?

I don't know.

18/365 - January 19, 2011

Ahg, already fell behind today. Crap. I meant to completely pencil page 19 of Bucko today, but came home with only a roughed in sketch. Will try to power through tomorrow and still at least get a start on inking, as planned. 

But in productive news: Matt made so much headway getting my personal site operational again! It's almost entirely done and now all I want to do is spend time tweaking every little last thing till it's all perfect. 

In news that is the opposite of productive, I had a totally rad evening watching mothafuckin TEEN MOM 2 with my fellow Teen-Mom-a-holic, Lindsay. There was one beautiful moment where Chelsea's boyfriend's totally awesome mom came on screen and we both turned to each other and yelled "I LOVE HIS MOM SO MUCH" in perfect unison. We kept having to pause the show so we could vent our frustrated disbelief at what a crap mom Jenelle is. I mean, seriously! She's the worst.

19/365 - January  20, 2011

First thing when I do when I get back in my house after biking for almost an hour to get home is strip off my sweaty, sweaty cycling top (A tank top/sports bra, so I don't waterlog my nice bra and top that I put on once I get to the studio) and then sometimes I get Matt to make me a drink. 

I could make one for myself, but everything tastes better when it's made by someone you love. 

Today was such a good day. 

Finally, at page 19, I feel like I found my stride with the art for Bucko. This is the best page I've drawn by far-- and it was so easy! Not, like, it wasn't hard to draw. But the process was pure joy, my mind and my hand were completely synced up. My backgrounds had their own personality and though they were complex and detailed I could plot them out with a natural flow. My character body language could have had stronger silhouettes and maybe better expressions, but they serve their purpose. Plus, bonus points to me for not only drawing just one or two bikes but the interior of a freakin' bicycle shop crammed full of wheels! (Non-Artists: Bicycles are stupid hard to draw). It took me all day to finish penciling. 

I'm so proud. 

I deserve to lounge on the couch topless drinkin' a Morgan's Spice Rum with Lemonade.

20/365 - January  21, 2011

Aw yeah, I actually made dinner! It was mostly okay. I mean, it wasn't terrible, but I would have sent it back if I were eating out at a restaurant.

This morning I was supposed to meet Terri in the studio at 10 so we could have a little tea date before getting started with work. My stomach was feeling a little rough, so I made myself a cuppa before heading out just to settle it down, but I let it steep too long and it was only after I had poured it that I realized we were out of milk so it was a little harsh. And then I suddenly had to bolt for the bathroom to gag and spit up for a while, though no actual barfing. 

When I got into the studio I was relieved to find Terri arriving after me, so our morning meet up would have been off anyway! We were giving our excuses for lateness and I told her how, totally randomly, I got really nauseous this morning and then the Entire. Main. Room. in the studio went dead silent and LOOKED at me. 

"Aw, c'mon guys, I wasn't even being that gross!"

David turned around from his desk to give me A Super Look. 

"What???? Why is everyone staring at me?!?"

David suggested slowly, so I could comprehend him, that "when a lady randomly gets nauseous in the morning, it traditionally means something." 

...it took me a moment to catch his drift. 

Then everyone, including myself, spent the next five minutes making fun of me for being oblivious about the potential of being knocked up.

Inside, I felt absolutely ill. 

My entire life I've gone without any pregnancy scares on account of always using protection and with my IUD I've gotten really blasé about the minuscule chance of any sperm actually surviving long enough to reach an egg. To be honest? I feel pretty impervious. Impenetrable, you might say. 

But in those first few minutes where it suddenly dawned on me that, yes, I could still get pregnant-- that it was possible for me to be pregnant at that very moment-- it fucking horrified me. Ants ran through all my veins and I felt the urge to vomit. 

Erika Moen: Bastion of Maternal Instincts. 

Honestly, I'm positive that I had a sensitive tummy that was exacerbated to nausea by the bitter tea-- not morning sickness.

...Just to be on the safe side, I'm gunna buy a pregnancy test.

[Photo by  Matt]