Mother’s Day Journal Entry (Patreon)

Mother's Day is... not a difficult day for me? I don't know. It doesn't actively hurt like it used to. It's a day that feels like a dull ache, like when the weather changes rapidly and the old scar on my  hand becomes more tender. It doesn't hurt, but there's some heightened feeling in there. 

Typically when I talk about my mom to people, it's to share the bizarre stories because they're entertaining and they create a context to explain why I respond in the sometimes unusual way that I do in situations where "normal" people can navigate tactfully. It's been nearly a decade since I cut off all contact with her and my raw, jagged wounds have had time to heal enough that I'm finding more and more room to appreciate the positive experiences she did give me. Because she did. 

My mom nourished my interest in art and theater, she actively encouraged me and sought out classes to teach me more. She spent so much time of her life driving me to classes and rehearsals, attending performances.

Her eye was always catching details wherever she went, especially as she traveled from point A to point B. Like a dog on a walk, she had to inspect the plants and gardens and knickknacks we passed, they were too enticing to leave as a peripheral glance. At the time it drove me crazy, because she acted erratically, jerking her head to follow what had caught her interest, pivoting her whole body and darting off course. I drive Matt crazy doing the same now, dragging us away from our path because my eye is always spotting interesting details in the world around me.

That poor woman. I wish she could have gotten mental health care, I wonder who she would have blossomed into over the decades. We’ve all got our demons, we all cause other people deep, profound pain sometimes. I think there are very few Bad People out there, people who intentionally harm others and relish in the hurting of their victims. The rest of us, we're trying our best, to the best of our capabilities, and sometimes that just isn't protection from the damage we do to the people around us, the people we love. 

She was creative and passionate and, in certain aspects of my life, nurturing. Some of my good qualities and talents, I owe to her. I wish she could have gotten the care she needed. I wish things had turned out differently. I hope she forges her own closure and finds peace.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY 😬