Uncensored post / self-portrait (Patreon)

Well, eight more days until I leave this dreary place and relocate to somewhere I hope has a brighter future. I'm nervous because I am moving out of a spot that is small and safe, and we are moving into a spot that is becoming a hot spot for the virus. I'm trying not to let it get to me as I remind myself I can only be cautious and the anxiety isn't helping anymore. It's sometimes hard to distinguish helpful anxiety from hurtful when you have an anxiety disorder. Cortisol becomes confusing and hard to manage.

My partner just took off some eight boxes I packed. I really have so much left to do. I still need to cut the internet, gas, and power on. Phone calls make me anxious too, so that should be fun. 

In other news, I owe someone a custom set that I hope to complete today or tomorrow. Ideally I really need to shoot it today and edit it tomorrow and send it in. I feel behind even though I don't think much time has passed. The days feel long and short all at the same time. The commission is for someone who works on miniature sets. It's pretty damn cool to see the result.

If we turn our focus to this image... this was a self-portrait I shot years ago during my first tour to Texas. It makes my heart hurt to remember I was there again just in March, but only to nap before making a 12 hour drive home at midnight once I realized the severity of COVID-19. That may be the biggest hit of reality burned into my brain for awhile.

Here, however, was a calmer time. A happier time. I did get a bad allergic reaction on this trip (thanks to New Orleans) but I hold only fondness for this trip. This was an AirBnB I stayed at; it was a little guest house located in the backyard of a lovely couple's home. The husband primarily spoke English and the wife barely could. The husband wasn't home, so the wife interacted with us the most and she was an absolute dream. She didn't understand us much, but she cut up fresh pineapple for us and made us feel at home. She was so sweet and inviting. I really miss the feeling of that... the feeling of staying in a new place and meeting new beautiful people. 

I loved how this room felt. I felt happy, but the room portrayed something else when I edited. A somber beauty. A restless night.

This image is much more relatable now than it was then, it seems. 

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Self-portrait, @thisisnotbeauty
Houston, Texas 2018