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Pt. 3 The first time I saw myself in the mirror.

― … If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman.

Avelyn looked down at the floor, sad and ashamed. Elizabeth was standing in front of her, calm.

― Please, Lizzy ―Avelyn continued without looking up ―. Please listen to me, I want you to understand how I feel.

― Continue.

― I’m… I’m not happy with my body, I hate how I look, I don’t want to be seen. I envy you, you, and every other girl because I don’t look like any of you, because I wish I was like you. I don’t know if that sounds stupid, but I want to be a woman, wear pretty clothes, not have to pretend I’m something I’m not, I don’t want to look like a man, and I can’t help but want to change, but I don’t know what to do… When I told my parents how I felt, they didn’t stop saying all those awful things and beating me, so what can I expect from life then? I just want to be like any other woman, and wear cute shoes, and have a cute haircut. I want people to see what’s inside of me…

Elizabeth’s expression changed, she seemed angry.

But maybe inside of me, there’s only someone really weird…

― What did you say? ― Elizabeth asked ―.

― I’m… Sorry, I told you I was some weirdo, with strange dreams… ― Avelyn leaned forward, ready to stand up ―.

― No! I mean… Did your parents beat you?

Avelyn stopped.

― Well… I know it’s not easy to have a son like me…

― That’s not an excuse! You didn’t deserve that. I’ll be honest with you, I’m not surprised by what you’ve told me, I already knew that was what you were so afraid of telling me, but of course, I didn’t know things were so bad with them. It’s not fair.

― Did you know? ―Avelyn asked ―. How?

― Please, you’re an open book! The things you say about yourself, how you react to certain things… Besides, you’re not the first trans person I know.

― Trans?

― Yeah, everybody thinks that you’re what your body looks like because that’s right for most people, but you’re different on the inside, your mind, your soul, right?

― I… think so. I didn’t know there was a word for that.

― Listen, I don’t know much about this, I only met a trans boy some years ago, but at least I know that there’s nothing wrong with it and I don’t judge you, also I’m willing to learn! This Is your home, here you can be yourself, that’s what you need to heal, stop hiding and being afraid. Hey! Do you want to be my friend?

Avelyn went from being surprised to having a shy smile while tears started to flow out her eyes.

― Really?

― That was what you thought I wouldn’t accept about you, but I did, so I don’t see why we can’t be friends now!

Avelyn walked towards Elizabeth covering her face with her hands and was received with arms wide open.

A hug.

― Thanks, Lizzy…

― Thank you, for trusting me.

After a few moments, they separated and Elizabeth took Avelyn’s shoulders.

― So, may I know your name now?

― I, well.. ―Avelyn looked troubled ―

― Before you say anything ― Elizabeth rolled her eyes ―. I don’t mean the name your parents gave you. I want to know how you’d like to be called.

― Ah, I still haven’t chosen one…

― This is your chance! A chance not many of us have, is there any name you like?

― Actually… Yes. It’s A- Avelyn.

― Evelyn?

― N-no, it’s Avelyn, with an “A”

― Oh! It’s a really pretty name!

― But… I think it’s too pretty for someone like me. I feel like others will laugh at me for having that name.

― First of all, don’t worry about what people will say. Second, not every woman looks the same, not all of us have wide hips and big breasts, not even long hair! And I have some news for you, not all of us have the same chromosomes or body parts. Don’t overthink it. If you like it, that’s your name, you deserve it as much as any other. Stop hiding. I’ll always support you.

― Tha-Thanks. You’ve done so much for me, and I hope I’m not being a burden.

― There you go again. You’re not, Avelyn, you just need a little help.

Avelyn blushed brightly and turned around to hide her face.

― I feel dumb if you call me that ―In her face, however, there was a big smile ―.

― Don’t be ashamed, it’s pretty and it fits you.

― I can’t thank you enough… Don’t you think this is weird?

― No, not at all. There are a lot of things in this world I may not understand, but I’m not here to judge every single thing that my mind can’t comprehend. It would be terribly hypocritical of me, for I have been mistreated by people who didn’t understand how I felt just because they hadn’t felt that way. Also, I’m not that ignorant. My mom was a psychologist, I know a few things thanks to her. What you need is to be authentic to yourself, and when you finally are, you’ll find the right people.

― I hope so… Thanks.

― Listen, may I call you Lynn?

― Y-yes ―Avelyn replied, almost whispering ―.

― Good, so, there’s no hurry, but when you’re ready, I’d like to know you.

― What would you like to know?

― A lot of things, but I mean I’d like to see you, the real you.

― How… Can I do that?

― For example, wearing cute shoes, a skirt you like… Just being yourself, doing what you like, not trying to pretend…

― Then… I think I can try it.

Avelyn took her backpack and carried it to the bathroom. She dressed in a couple of minutes, and despite being nervous and insecure, she stepped out to let herself be seen by her new friend.

She was wearing some old jeans a bit too baggy for her, a women’s polo shirt in black and a silver bracelet. She was barefoot, and of course, had her short hair.

Elizabeth looked at her, but it was obvious Avelyn was uncomfortable.

― Hmmm… No, that’s not you.

Avelyn looked up to see her, feeling almost hurt.

― You’re not happy, you’re nervous and afraid, and you don’t like how you look ―Elizabeth started to walk towards her ―. Don’t you have more clothes?

― I… Have a dress, but…

―No, come with me, let’s try something.

Elizabeth grabbed Avelyn by her wrist and took her to her room. There she looked inside her closet, taking several clothes out until she finally went with a black dress. She threw everything else inside. Then she took two wigs out of a little door on her closet and put them over a table on aside.

― Let’s do this! Put the dress on.

― Okay… Could you… Turn around?

― Pff, how boring ―Elizabeth joked and turned around ―.

Avelyn took her polo shirt and jeans off and got into the dress. She lacked the attributes to fill the front of it, but still, she was excited. When she finished, she allowed her friend to see her, and the blush on her cheeks didn’t vanish from that point on.

― Sit and take your glasses off ―Elizabeth said while she was bringing one of the wigs from her table ―. I wanted to try the brown wig on you, but you’ll look more like you with the black one.

― Why do you have wigs?

― Remember I told you I was sick? Some time ago I had to fight cancer. The one thing I liked the most about myself when I was younger was my long, straight hair, it reached between my waist and hips, but I lost it all when I was going to chemo. It was so hard to see myself without it. It’s still short, but I don’t need the wigs anymore, so you can wear them while your hair is growing out. You’re going to leave it long, right?

― Mhm, I’ve always wanted long hair.

― Great! Let’s hope it grows fast! Now, let’s do your makeup. I don’t have a foundation in your skin tone, so let’s go with something light and natural. Actually, I think that’s even better.

She started to work on Avelyn’s look, applied blush on her cheeks, not that Avelyn needed it. Then she did her eyeliner and put fake eyelashes on her.

While Elizabeth was retouching her eyebrows, Avelyn noticed her legs, barely covered by the dress. She took the border of it and tried to push it a bit down.

Finally, Elizabeth applied a touch of lipstick to Avelyn’s lips.

― Almost done. Tell me, what shoe size are you?

― I'm a size 27**

― I knew it! ― Elizabeth smiled and took a pair of shoes from beneath her bed ―. I guess it’s not surprising, we’re almost the same height. Put them on, they should fit you.

Avelyn looked at the delicate shoes she had in front of her before putting them on. They were around 7 to 8 centimeters high. Once she was wearing them, Elizabeth stood in front of her.

― Ready?

Avelyn nodded. Elizabeth helped her to get up, and when Avelyn stood up, finally she could be at least a bit taller than Elizabeth.

― Don’t worry if it’s a bit hard to walk, you’ll make it right with practice ―Elizabeth said ―.

Elizabeth took Avelyn in front of the mirror she had in her room. Avelyn almost didn’t recognize herself, she looked so different, and she had never seen herself this way. Her vision was blurry since she didn’t have her glasses, but still she could see enough to feel moved. From head to toe, all she saw was a woman with long hair, a pretty dress and cute shoes, with a feminine shape and a delicate face with features highlighted by makeup she had never used before.

She started crying.

Finally she could say to herself that she was beautiful.

I hid for so long, eager to be found, afraid that I would be alone forever behind a mask of lies and sadness.

I hated my voice and my body. I always hated my reflection, but…

For the first time I see myself. That's me, the real me. There's so much happiness inside of me, but at the same time, I can’t help but think… This is how it should have been.

This is how it should have always been. Why wasn’t it always like this?

Why did I have to hide and be afraid? Why did I have to live feeling so wrong for so long?

“I want to die”. That thought has crossed my mind so many times, I almost end up believing it, but I don’t want to die. What I really want is to be alive, to be loved for who I am.

I can’t go back.

I need to change, I need to do something. I just want to be myself, to cause harm to anybody, just feel at peace with myself.

That's all I want.

The next morning, Avelyn woke up excited. Could she get to be herself again? She got up but didn’t see Elizabeth. She only found a note on the table saying:

“Hi, Lynn.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but you were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you up.

Unfortunately, I got a call and I had to leave to take care of a couple of things. It’s from my job. I’ll try to be back as soon as possible. I’m pretty sure It’s only gonna be a couple of days. Don’t worry, you’ll be safe here and there’s enough food in the fridge.

When I’m back I want to find you here, but if you have to leave, please tell me how to find you. We have a lot of things to do together.

Love ya, sis!

P.S. I felt really happy to see you yesterday. The prettiest thing you were wearing was that smile. Feel free to check my closet, and if you find something you like, you can wear it! Remember this is your home.”

Avelyn just stood there, not knowing what to do.

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** 27 is a size in centimeters used here in Mexico. around a US 10, UK 8 and EU 41. I used this because, since it's in cm, there's no difference in men's and women's shoes sizes unlike some other systems, this way Avelyn doesn't need to know her size in women's shoes as she would have no experience at all with those.

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