But I Swear You're Really Pretty, Part 2 (Rewritten) (Patreon)

As If I Didn't Already Know

Avelyn woke up the following day, shaken by a gentle movement. After opening her eyes, she saw Elizabeth grabbing her shoulder.


"Hey, wake up. Are you alright?" Elizabeth said.


Avelyn sat up and realized she was on the floor beside the sofa. The blankets were there, too.


"Oh... I'm sorry".


"Why?" Elizabeth asked. "You didn't hurt the floor!"


Avelyn giggled, ashamed.


"Come on," Elizabeth continued, "I'll make breakfast."


Both wore the same clothes as the day before, as if they had made an agreement. However, it had been involuntarily.


After washing her face in the bathroom, Avelyn sat down at the wooden table in the dining room, which was actually part of the kitchen. Elizabeth already waited for her. In front of them were two dishes with two hot cakes each, a cup of tea for each one, maple syrup, and cutlery.


"Thank you for the meal," Avelyn said before taking the first piece of the food.

They ate in silence. Avelyn looked uneasy, but Elizabeth didn't seem bothered by the lack of communication. After finishing, Elizabeth delicately cleaned her lips with a tissue and asked Avelyn a question.


"Tell me, are you a student?"


"I was in high school but haven't attended in a while."


"Because of the bullying?"


"Yeah," Avelyn replied, "I hated how boys acted with each other, and I think the things they say about the girls are disgusting, but girls won't treat me better. I didn't fit anywhere."


"I'm sorry they treated you that way. People can act really dumb, but treating others like that is never okay."


"What about you?" Avelyn asked. "Are you in the uni?"


"Oh, no, I left high school after my parents died. I have a job, though I'm on a short vacation right now."


"What's your job?"

"I do a bit of everything. I serve coffee, carry errands here and there, keep the boss' child happy, keep world peace, and sharpen the pencils. I'm an assistant to a rich lunatic, and I must fulfill all her whims. Sometimes, it looks like she doesn't need me at all; other times, she can't live without me, and I'll have to leave for a few days. It's unpredictable and stressful, but it brings food to the table."


"I'm sorry," Avelyn replied.


"Wha—What? Why are you excusing yourself now?"


"Well, I'm here, eating your food without giving anything back..."


"It was just—it was just a saying," Elizabeth laughed. You don't have to worry about that, seriously. Everything's okay. I have no financial problems if that's what you're worried about."


"Still, I think I should get a job."


"You see, I don't think anyone would want to hire you if you look so down unless it's to fill spaces in someone's funeral or something. There's no hurry; take your time, and you'll eventually get something."


"O—Okay. I can give you some money for the inconvenience, at least. Thank you for everything, Lizzy."


"You're not an inconvenience, and I insist you don't worry about it."


"Th—Thanks."


"Hey, would you like to go out for a walk? I think you could use some distractions."

Avelyn noded.


—


Both left the apartment shortly before noon. The street was surrounded by colorful houses and small businesses on both sides, though it looked calm compared to the day before. Perhaps it was too early for the people to fill the streets near the small city center. Only a few individuals walked outside. Avelyn seemed lost in her own thoughts. Elizabeth, who always seemed confident and relaxed, was at her right. She looked at Avelyn out of the corner of her eye.


After a few minutes of silent walking, they passed in front of a small, local women's clothing store. Behind its wide windows, several mannequins displayed long dresses in pastel colors. For the first time, Avelyn raised her gaze to look at the clothes. Once they left the store behind, she sighed and looked down again.


Elizabeth simply pretended not to notice.


A bit further, Avelyn seemed tense while two girls around her age walked in the opposite direction, getting closer step by step. One had fair skin and brown, wavy hair and wore a short, black, pleated skirt, a white T-shirt, and a green windbreaker. The other was a woman of color with slightly coiled hair, leather pants, a white top, and a black jacket.


Avelyn tightly held part of her T-shirt and the messenger bag strap in her right fist. She bowed her head even more.


Finally, she and Elizabeth passed by the young women and heard them speaking cheerily.


Again, a sigh.


"Are you trying to hide it, or do you want me to notice?" Elizabeth thought. "What are you trying to tell me?"


"This doesn't seem to be of help..."


"S—Sorry! It's just that—I, um, well... I'm still sad about everything that happened."


"I can imagine. It's not like you can just forget about it. I wanted to go to an apparel store nearby, but I don't want you to get bored; that surely won't help you feel better."


"Don't—Don't worry. I have no problem with that. We can go if you want."


"Are you sure?"


"Yes. And I don't get bored by visiting stores, so don't worry."


"Great! Let's go."


They arrived at a nearby apparel chain store. It was moderate in size but had a large variety. Because of the season, most of the clothes were winter fashion.


Elizabeth pretended to look at some tops and coats, but her attention was focused on Avelyn, who followed closely and looked at the dresses.


At that moment, Avelyn's phone rang. Elizabeth took the first thing she could and quickly went to Avelyn.


"A call?"


"No, it's... Just a reminder for my pills." Avelyn took a packet of pills out of her bag.


"Wait, is that... Can you show them to me?" Elizabeth looked surprised and took the blister out of Lynn's hands. "Oh... No, it wasn't, sorry. I thought it was one of the meds I took when I was sick."


"It—It's, um, for my allergy..."


"Sorry, sorry." Elizabeth smiled, embarrassed, and gave the pills back to Avelyn. "Anyway, haven't your parents called you?"


"I blocked them and took the SIM off, just in case. I'm sure they're sending me a lot of messages, but I don't think they're saying anything I'd want to read."


"I see. Sorry. Well, I'll go to the fitting room to see if this size suits me."


She had accidentally taken a white, short floral dress. "Not quite my style... But he doesn't know that," Elizabeth thought.


Once in the fitting room, Elizabeth left the dress hanging from a hook on the wall and took her smartphone from her pocket. She started writing a message.


"Hey, V. I need some info about some medicine. It's called..." Elizabeth typed and sent it once she had finished.


"Who's that for? You don't need to take that."


"The boy I told you about. He said it was for allergy."


"How old was he again? It has nothing to do with allergies, so he shouldn't take that. In males, it can cause gynecomastia since it works as an antiandrogen."


"I don't know what ginandtonic or antihydrogen are. English, please?"


"He'll grow breasts because it blocks testosterone, the 'male' hormone."


Elizabeth's face immediately lit up. "Now that you mention it..." she thought.

"I know what it's for now. Thank you, V."


"Did he tell you why he's using it?"


"Nah. She talks in her sleep, shouts when awake, and doesn't even need to open her mouth."


"'She?' I thought it was a boy?"


"Yeah, me too. I'll explain later."


Elizabeth came out of the fitting room and walked towards Avelyn, who was visibly nervous, wandering around the store. She looked carefully at Avelyn's chest. Her open hoodie made it easier for Elizabeth to notice the shape of it through the T-shirt. "Yeah, there's definitely something," she thought.


Avelyn finally noticed her when she was just a few steps away.


"This isn't my style, you know?" Elizabeth said. "Why didn't you stop me?"

"I—I'm sorry! I... didn't know."


Elizabeth laughed. "Calm down, I'm just kidding. I mean, this isn't my style, but how could you know? We just met yesterday. Now that I think of it... What's your style? Can you show me what kind of clothing you like?"


"Umm, well... There's no men's section at this store, so..."


"Who said it had to be men's clothing? Is there anything you like? You could get yourself a dress, a blouse, or a skirt."


Avelyn's face turned completely red. She tried to hide it, unsuccessfully.


"I—I don't know much about that..."


"I can teach you."


Avelyn pressed her lips together, showing discomfort. Elizabeth realized she may have pushed a bit too much.


"Maybe some other day?" Elizabeth said, trying to calm Avelyn. "Let's go home, we can come back later."


They left the store. Avelyn avoided Elizabeth's gaze, walking slightly behind and hiding her face.


"So, what kind of music do you like?" Elizabeth asked, trying to break the silence.

"I... Listen to a bit of everything."


"Something in particular? Don't tell me wind noises are enough for you."


"Rock. I like instrumental Rock."


"Great! I love Rock and Metal and anything with guitars in it."


"Do you play guitar?"


"Yup! And piano, though it has been a while since I've played. I don't have instruments at the moment. Maybe I'll get one soon."


"I'm sorry for that. If... If you get a new guitar, could you teach me to play?"


"YES!" Elizabeth exclaimed excitedly. "Of course! I'd love to teach you. So, you'd like to play guitar, huh?"


"Yeah," Avelyn smiled shyly. "I'd like to learn to play any instrument, actually. I love music. I'd like to sing too, but... I... hate my voice, so..."

"It's just a matter of practice, don't worry! I can teach you to sing, too. I'm sure you have a beautiful voice for that."


"Ah, no, that's not it, but... It doesn't matter. Thank you."


Elizabeth was confused for a moment. The light that started to appear on her friend's face was vanishing again. It didn't take long for her to understand what Avelyn meant, and she smiled confidently.


"Your voice is not that low."


"Wh—What?" Avelyn looked at Elizabeth, surprised.


"I'm just saying you could hit high notes without a problem. I wonder what range you can reach with some practice. Do you know you can even sound like a girl? At least when speaking, I've seen people do it! Boys who sound like girls. But... we were talking about singing." Elizabeth laughed. "Sorry, I don't know why I said that. It was weird, right?"


"No! No, it's okay!" Avelyn laughed nervously and blushed. "It's... interesting."


"Yeah. You can learn too! I may not be able to teach you that, but we can look for someone who can."


Avelyn kept quiet after this, but she could not hide her excitement or broad smile despite all her efforts.


"Nailed it!" Elizabeth thought.


—


Both returned to the apartment. Avelyn's mood seemed to have improved; her expression was more relaxed. They had lunch, and Avelyn offered to do the dishes after that. Later, she sat on the sofa and read something on her phone. Her expression slowly changed, becoming more serious, and soon after, she looked pretty preoccupied, distressed, even.


Elizabeth, who was sitting on the armchair, observed the changes.


At some point, Avelyn lay down, left the phone, and looked at the ceiling.


"What if she turns her back on me? What if she hates me and tells me to leave? Why do I feel this need to tell someone what I am? I know it's wrong, but I still want someone to see me for who I am, even if they think it's dumb. If she could see me... If she could let me be... Besides, she deserves to know the truth. She has given me a place to stay, and I can't even be honest with her. I have to tell her..."


"Are you okay?" Elizabeth interrupted Avelyn's thoughts once she realized her eyes were getting wet.


"I d—I... Don't know..."


"Do you want to talk about it?"


"I'm... Not sure I should. I don't know if I can. I'm scared."


"It's clear you're struggling to keep it all inside. You can trust me. Whatever it is, I promise you I'll listen. I won't judge you; I won't treat you the way your parents did."


Avelyn kept quiet for several seconds, trying to find the words to express her feelings.


"I... I can't thank you enough for all you do for me, and I've thought that if you're going to let me stay with you, you should know the truth about me so you can be sure you're okay with me staying."


"That'd be fair, but I don't want you to feel forced. Only tell me if you're ready."


"I don't know if I'll ever be ready, but I do want to tell you. I've always wanted to tell someone, I've... For so long, I've looked for someone I can trust and tell how I feel. I want someone to know the real me; I want to stop hiding, even if I'm just a weirdo, even if it's stupid. I just want someone to see what's inside. Is there something different inside of me, or am I only this? I don't know..."


"Let it out. I won't hurt you."


"If... If I could..."


Avelyn took a deep breath.


"If I could have chosen, I would have chosen to be a girl."



—

Goodbye.


I'm gone. Don't look for me. If you have at least a tiny bit of true love for me, don't look for me. 


I'm tired. I can't keep living this way. 


I'm sorry I'm not the son you wanted me to be. Neither of us decided that. That's how it is; this is who I am. I'm not sick or crazy; this is what's inside of me. If you can't accept it, I'd better leave.


I don't want you to change me. I'd rather die. I'd rather cease to exist than live a lie, trying to be something I hate, trying to make everyone happy but me. Understand I can't give what you expect from me. 


When did the box become more vital than its content? I can't define my life for what's outside. Isn't the mind, heart, and soul more valuable than that?


But you don't care about me. All you think about is what others think of you. How much shame I'd bring to you if people knew. 


I won't keep up with this. I won't stay still while you yell at me anymore. I won't take your hurtful comments, hits, and disgusted looks. 


I don't need to be cured; I need to be loved for all I am and feel. 


If you can't love me like that, I'll look for someone else, and if there's no one, then I'll die alone. At least I'll die trying. What I can't do is give up. 


I want to live. 


I want to be myself without having to hide in my room at 3:00 am, trying not to make any sound so I won't wake anybody, fearing that, if you hear me, you'll hit me again. All I want is to be free. 


I just want to be myself. 


I don't want to see you again unless you open your hearts and minds and are ready to listen. 

Otherwise, please, I beg you, unless you want to see me die,


don't look for me. 

---

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