last night in the goth room (Patreon)

i quit drinking and i actually gave all my fun drugs to my brother because he's trying to ween himself off of klonopin but now he's kind of just hooked on kratom and he's miserable and i feel fucking stupid for even suggesting he try and find something for his anxiety a couple years back. anyways--so i didn't have any of my fun drugs and ive never been so fucking bored in my life. i disappointed myself by thinking about all the things i was going to do once i got here and then having absolutely no discipline to do any of it. i don't even think he weened himself off of it even a little but at least he's only on 2 a day. could be much worse but i still feel bad for him. i wish we weren't so bored then maybe we wouldn't be so anxious

i went on omegle a couple times as cum maintenance (unrelated: found out im a sexual blind instinct in regards to the enneagram), but i felt annoyed that as soon a i heard stranger's warbly, thin voices, that i'd dry up so quick because it would be cool to make money off of camming. i did think about one guy for two days after i chatted with him because he was so shy and cute and im pathetic--skin was really unhealthily white and his hair was the same color as his skin which...normally i would not find attractive but he had these blue lights on in his room so it made him look gaunt like trevor goodchild. he was really shy and it was cute to make fun of him but i felt too weird about showing him any holes so i just watched him awkwardly dance around his room. pretty sure he was in college. he told me about blood play. wow not for me. 

anyways, i will miss this room and the handful of clothes i packed up and left in a hurry because i felt stifled. i need to learn how to live with less. but now i am going back to the red room where i know i'll feel another kind of despair i'll miss counting all the dead flies that couldn't find their way out of the basement in the morning... but it also was getting kind of gross and i'll miss trying to keep you interested from a distance. i don't know why this sounds like a goodbye i just started typing and then just couldn't stop