i’ve never felt closer to quitting (Patreon)

maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't but I had to take a break.

I’ve always been a quitter. If it ain’t love, then leave—that’s what I say! It’s not something I recommend to young folks trying to figure out who they are, but it’s suited me well because it’s kept me happy for most of my life—which is something most people (I've found) cannot say.

Like many Korean moms, mine wanted me to play piano growing up. I sucked at it/fucking hate it, so she finally let me quit. I wanted to be a singer up until I was thirteen, but once I realized no one looked like me on TV, I immediately abandoned that because I wasn’t motivated enough to blaze that trail. Too lazy. Besides, I knew I was resourceful and fairly smart—I could succeed and be happy doing something else. As I grew older, I loved fashion and writing so I went to college for journalism and merchandising. Once I graduated, I found out how hard journalists have to work versus how much they get paid and knew, again, that i’d hate that. So I quit. And like many a dumb bitch, I interned for a few high-profile fashion designers and found that I hated 99% of the people I met. I still love clothes today, but I wasn’t a masochist, so I quit. Once I finally found something I was good at and enjoyed, I stuck with it (a job I still do to this day!). But every job and relationship that netted out in the red—I promptly left. Even to this day, I find it grating when people with options constantly whine about horrible managers or having to endure the most dull, mind-numbing work. No one’s making you do this! I get that work is work and relationships take work...but neither should have the power to make you unreasonably miserable for long periods of time. I mean, what even is your life at that point?

So as a serial quitter, I’ve been content. I’m the creator of my own orbit and I will only let things in that make me feel great. I was happy. I had an employable skill that kept me fed, I was loved by my friends and family and I didn’t care about everyone else. Fuck those people! They’re sheep and I quit them. To the internet, I was nobody. Not hot enough to be an Instagirl and not particularly talented in any way—but I used what skills I did have and by some dumb stroke of luck, I was chosen. It was never my intent, honestly. I just wanted to make videos and make my friends laugh. And yes, I always loved how it felt against my face.

When it all went down, I used to tell people over and over that I was “sooo lucky”—lucky to have so many followers, lucky to have an emergency exit to my boring 9 to 5, lucky that other more talented artists wanted to work with me, that brands wanted to give me clothes, cast me in photoshoots—how crazy! All of this attention just for gaining an accidental audience. I can admit, a big part of me has always loved attention and I’d even go as far as to say that I’ve always felt I deserved to be famous. Not because I had any particular talent or gift—but because, you know...I was a good person and I would never abuse it. I’d be able to handle something like that. And for a while, I did: I hid, I rarely did anything public, I never posted sponcon unless I really liked the product, I avoided working with assholes, and I only took clothes that i’d actually wear in real life. I held on tightly to the romance of why I started because it was the truth, periodically taking breaks just to cleanse myself and work. I handled it.

But ambiently and insidiously, it affected me just like it does everyone else. The truth is, when something like virality happens to you, you’re suddenly thrust into another orbit: you have to deal with completely new experiences that you’d otherwise never have had to deal with and...most of them, in my experience, have been negative. So i’ve been wanting to quit. Sure, i’ve met a handful of great people and gotten to go to a lot of cool places but today, five years later since my followers skyrocketed, i’d have to say that my life was better before. It’s a cautionary tale you’ve heard before but i’m here to tell it again because no matter what, it feels as if we are all just Naomi walking straight off a cliff thinking, yes...But I’d be different if it happened to me. And yes, fine, maybe. But as a stubborn self righteous anticapitalist, who places very little importance on individuality—the life of an “influencer” left me sad and anxious most of the time. Which is why I want to tell it candidly because if you’re reading this, it must mean you’re a little bit like me. This is my honest takeaway about the life I never asked for as the account holder of Bread Face. 

And now we're here: Having a creative outlet is important to me—it relaxes me, it's cathartic, and I wish I had more time and money to do it which is why I am here to ask you for more time (in the form of your money). Breadfacing will remain free, but I'd like the freedom to create more. Bread is not free and neither is my time and unfortunately, money motivates me to keep creating. I know...sad but it is what it is. 

I know this sounded like a lot of whining but I hope you can empathize. 

TLDR: started to hate IG but still want to create. your money/support holds me accountable!