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the night we got engaged, we both took half a tab and went into the ocean with our clothes on.  we came back to the hotel and took a hot shower. he started peeing on me and i put my new diamond ring directly in his stream. we couldn't stop laughing. i mean its probably the nicest thing either of us have ever bought or owned and i soiled it immediately.

three months later, we're in the shower again and i told him i was freaking out and that's why i've been partying so much. i start crying and he asks me what im so afraid of. he tells me nothing's even really going to change, that we should talk about what we want our life to look like. i say—

      i feel like my life is over!

of course it's not

      i can't just think of myself anymore!

of course you can

      i can't have crushes anymore!

of course you can

      i'll never fall in love again

of course you will

My heart swelled and broke. And that was it.

all my friends are going through breakups and i don't want to be there for them. i really can't. im tired of listening to them get in their own way. im sick of rounding down my words. i wish they could see how easy love could be. i wish they had a higher threshold for pain. but then i really wish i were them. god what i'd fucking do to get to feel all that over again. i guess im just jealous. i want to feel insecure and tormented by someone again.

i cope by telling every new one the same thing i told him (we both know i'm lying). each time the swell gets bigger and i hope it never pulls me in.