Dungeon Crawler Carl Book Six Grand Finale Two-Night Event. Night One of Two. Chapters 264 - 267 (Patreon)

This is it. The last few chapters will be broken up into two nights. Book six ends tomorrow night.

Cliffhanger warning.

Chapter 264

A graphic appeared at the bottom corner of the interface. This was something new. It showed all the team names. As I watched, a rapid-fire string of miniature, face-down cards appeared after each team with a blip, blip, blip. It was a counter showing how many cards each team had. Donut had 21 cards, I knew. Katia and Li Na both had 20. Imani had 15, and Elle carried 22. The first six cards of each deck were highlighted with a glow, presumably indicating the totem cards.

At the bottom, separated by a space was the name Ysalte, followed by a row of about 17 cards.

Amayon only had six. All totems.

Our goal was as difficult as it was clear. We had to play offense with Amayon and kill his six totems as soon as possible, which would allow us to talk to him. With the Vinegar Bitch, we had to play defense. We couldn’t hurt the goddess directly, but the moment she ran out of cards, she’d be able to nuke us from orbit with one of her spells. We had to keep her deck from running dry for the next ten minutes.

This was going to be a tough balance, even at five versus two.

Donut appeared terrified, but she was putting on a brave, determined face. She’d switched back to her sailor cap. It used to look ridiculous on her, especially with her sunglasses, but it seemed more appropriate now somehow, in a way I couldn’t explain.

She hadn’t had time to pull her potions out, and if I pulled my own, they’d turn to vinegar. I pulled a few out anyway, remembering what the debuff said, and I tucked them on the ground behind her.

“You got this?” I asked as I quickly worked.

“I am the current reigning champion Persian cat in the galaxy. I have received more trophies and purple ribbons than anyone alive. And most importantly, I am a warlord of the Princess Posse Faction Wars team.” She turned to regard me. “Yes, Carl. I got this.”

I gave her a pat and faced our opponents.

The goddess and the demon lord she’d enslaved.

And

Here

We

Goooo!

The ten minute timer started to tick down.

Li Na, Katia, and Donut spread out behind us as their decks appeared in front of them. Mongo remained near Donut, as he’d been trained. The music with the heavy guitars rose in volume, rattling my teeth. Me, Li Jun, and Bautista spread out in a half circle as we rapidly talked strategy. Louis was currently hauling ass down the stairs and would meet up with Britney and Tran in the stairwell, and the three of them would continue back to the lobby. That marked for death symbol was a major problem for him, but as long as we kept the goddess occupied for the next ten minutes, we could push that off to another time.

Samantha remained floating in the room, looking about.

Elle: Oh fuck me. More demons are coming. Trying to come in through the door down here. Your boss battle forced me and Imani to summon our damn decks, so we can’t cast spells. Doing our best to hold them back, but we might be running up toward you.

We had to watch where we stepped. Multiple holes and cracks dotted the flooring, and each time Amayon so much as shifted his position, new fractures appeared. This whole building was going to come down.

For just a moment, nobody moved. We all looked at each other, each one of us sizing everyone up.

And then, it was on.

Chaos erupted all around me. So much happened at once, it was difficult to clock it all.

Li Na tossed out the first totem, which exploded out onto the ground in a flourish of snow and red sparkles.

Get ready to lose your mind! It’s Xing Tian!

“Oh my god, what is that?” Donut cried as she tossed a card of her own out.

Li Na’s Xing Tian totem was a level 80 creature that was a human without a head. The large, shirtless man had a wide, cackling face built into the flesh of his hairless chest. He carried an axe in one hand and a large shield in the other.

“Hold and block!” Li Na shouted at her card, who gibbered something back at her.

Donut’s first move was The Thief card, which she cast on Amayon just as he swept out his own first totem. A card—not the one he was attempting to summon—flicked up out of his deck, resized itself, and landed in Donut’s hand.

“Holy wow, look at that card!” she called out.

Amayon’s totem landed with a heavy crash. It was a flaming rock creature. I didn’t have time to read the description before it fell through the floor and tumbled away.

Katia and Ysalte also made their first moves, both summoning totems at the same time. Katia summoned her scary-ass bird creature, followed by a consumable utility card called Timeless, which would keep the bird summoned forever.

The bird landed upon Katia’s shoulder with a fanfare that looked like colorful, burning embers and dancing baby pacifiers wafting into the sky, which would be odd as fuck if I’d really had time to think about it. The totem was a large, cat-sized raven, but its head was a skull of an infant human. The skull was punctuated with little holes filled with teeth. I’d once seen an infant skull before and knew that’s what they really looked like, but seeing it in real life was terrifying.

Annie – Útburður. Level 80.

Katia leaned in and started whispering instructions to the totem.

The Vinegar Bitch’s summon was a familiar one. It was the first totem I’d helped Sister Ines’ team capture. Yago the monk seal. He was the same thing as our Geraldo.

This version of Yago, however, was different. He was now 25 levels higher than his regular 70. He crackled with obsidian-colored energy and was wider than he’d been before.

Yago – Monk Seal of the Earth Order. Level 95.

He’d been buffed with some sort of extra Earth magic. His headband had changed, and it was black with a red swirl.

“Oh, oh yeah, a bunch of bitches to fight.” He pointed a flipper at me and did a hop, waving his fins with karate noises. “Time for a rematch. Time for Yago to go to poundtown on your ass!” He started flipping directly toward me, shouting “Yip, yip, yip!”

Crash! The seal crunched right through the floor, and he also plummeted away, screaming.

Ysalte grunted with annoyance. “You! Seal! Find him!” She bellowed down into the hole in the floor. “Find that one with my mark upon him, and kill him!”

Donut: LOUIS LOOK OUT A MONK SEAL IS COMING FOR YOU.

Elle: Come to us, Louis. We’re coming up the stairs!

Louis: A rock monster thing that looks like Chris is fighting us already! It’s level 120! It crashed through the ceiling!

Imani: We’re coming!

As that was happening, three more totems appeared. These were all from Amayon. He only had totem cards, and he was emptying his hand as rapidly as he could. The ground rumbled as they appeared all at once in a cacophony of overlapping explosions and fanfares. Two were the same thing, though they had different names. The third was entirely different.

Gallu – Level 100 Inferior Demon.

Mavet – Level 100 Inferior Demon.

These first two were tall, fat, winged demons with wide, evil faces, each carrying a whip and covered with leather and chains like they’d just stepped out of an underworld biker bar. They were small, male versions of that Slit demon who’d attacked us on the fifth floor.

Samantha screamed at the sight of them and flew across the room directly for them.

Gallu the demon reacted with surprising speed. He cracked his whip, and Samantha spun off, screaming about his mother as she ricocheted away.

The third newcomer was a ridiculously, over-the-top sexy looking, human-like, female demon with outrageously large breasts. Not quite Odette-sized breasts, but pretty close. They floated on their own in front of her, each defying physics and gravity.

Naamah – Level 120 Succubus Nest Queen.

“Hello, boys,” the succubus called after Samantha’s screaming waned. She waved across the hallway at us. She pointed at me. “I choose you, stud. Let’s dance.”

“These are not true representations,” Amayon rumbled, his voice physically painful to listen to. He didn’t have any cards in his hand. He would automatically draw his last one soon.

To my right, Bautista was spamming stuffed animals everywhere, ripping off tags left and right as the creatures flew from his hands. Several were the grulke frogs, but armored versions I’d never seen before along with other monsters, from trolls to small dragons to other things covered with claws and teeth. Bautista shouted, and they, as one, all turned on the twin inferior demons. As they surged toward the monsters, a few fell through more holes in the floor, screaming as they disappeared.

Louis: Tran is down! Britney and I are running! Oh god. It’s the seal. He’s here.

Tran: I’m not dead! I fell down to a different level. My wheelchair is sparking. I think it’s going to blow! I’m stuck!

Imani: We’re almost there. There are demons surging up the stairs behind us.

I pulled a banger sphere and decked the succubus as hard as I could. The metal ball bounced off her head with a splatch. It barely did any damage. She grinned at me with a mouth full of sharp teeth.

“Someone who likes it rough. I can respect that.”

She hissed and lunged, flying across the area at ridiculous speed, like she’d been launched from a gun.

I cast Talon Strike on my foot and did a snap kick as hard as I could at the speeding creature. She oofed with pain, and she took some damage, but it didn’t stop her momentum as she slammed into me. My health flashed as she hit me with the force of a bus.

We hit the ground and slid, tumbling as we flew between Katia and Donut, barely missing the hole in the ground for the stairs, and sliding into the area that had once been the service hallway.

The creature had vampire fangs, and she moved to chomp directly on my neck just as I activated my new tech-based shield. She bit down and cried out, her teeth sparking and then shattering like broken crockery against my neck. She screeched in outrage as I cast Wisp Armor on myself, attempting to shore up my shield. I instinctively clicked on a healing potion without even thinking.

A terrible taste flooded my mouth.

A Kombucha! Achievement flashed as I remembered the vinegar debuff. I cast Heal instead.

I was on my back with the pissed-off, shrieking succubus pinning me down. She grasped onto both arms. Her hands sparkled where they came in contact with my flesh. My shield was rapidly losing power. The demon wasn’t huge, but she was clearly stronger than me. She bodily picked me up and slammed me down against the floor over and over again, squealing angrily.

A tentacle wrapped around the woman’s waist and yanked, pulling her up off the ground. I gasped in pain as my shield sparked out, and her nails ripped into the flesh on my arms. She was dragged away into a fulminating, gorilla-sized shadow of black clouds with dark tentacles ripping in and out of it. The demon woman was pulled into the cloud. She let out a scream from within the darkness, followed by a spray of blood.

I started scrambling back until I saw the monster had our flag over it. This was the card Donut had stolen from the demon.

Banjo – Level 120 Hell Scrub.

I jumped back to my feet and returned to the fray, dodging holes in the ground.

Li Jun and a human I’d never seen before were fighting side-by-side, battling a ghommid strongman. The human was a Legendary Master, and it was one of Li Na’s cards. She kept tossing speed buffs onto him.

The ghommid was just a regular NPC that Sister Ines’ must have flagged, but he had an Oak Champion buff after his name. Li Jun was literally walking on air, dancing and kicking, trading blows. Alongside him, the legendary master was a blur. In moments, the ghost creature was down.

I growled in frustration. We needed to keep Ysalte’s totems alive. On my interface, she was down to just ten cards, and barely a minute had passed. She was discarding her own cards when she could.

Katia had a moss-covered troll I’d seen before summoned along with a pair of twin boys, also trolls, dancing on top of the two Inferior Demons who were half dead, surrounded by stuffing as Bautista continued to toss out an alarming number of his beanie animals. The entire group of them tumbled away as the floor broke. A moment later, a plink, plink indicated the two demons were dead.

Amayon’s row on my interface now only contained two cards. One was facing upward, showing the rock monster was still active. The demon had the last card in his hand, and it appeared as if he was struggling to play it. He was growling in frustration, but his claw wouldn’t move. It was Ysalte, I realized. She was trying to keep him from playing his final card. She knew he’d be free to cast his spells once he was out.

“Donut” I called.

“I’m on it!” Donut shouted. “Watch this!”

Donut tossed out Force Discard. Amayon’s last card disappeared with a Poof! graphic.

“Ha! Suck it, bitch!” Donut shrieked as the kaiju-sized demon let out a satisfied grunt.

That was it. He was out of cards. We just needed to kill that first totem he summoned.

Carl: Does anyone know where the rock creature is? He’s the last piece!

Yoink!

“Hey!” Donut cried.

Ysalte had tossed out a card, a unique mystic called Raid Stash.

Five cards came flying at the goddess and entered her hand. It was a card from each of us, including Imani and Elle downstairs.

Multiple people started shouting at once.

“Oh, crap!” Katia called. “They stole an inactive card from my inventory! It’s one of the totems we were forced to take after the key boss fight! Oh shit, it’s Tran’s mom!”

“Watch out,” Li Na yelled at her brother. “She has the Zhe totem!”

Elle: Guys, holy shit. Head’s up. She stole a totem from me and some junk card from Imani.

“Carl, Carl!” Donut called. “She took the ...”

Ysalte tossed four totems out at once. Three humans and a sasquatch thing. All four crash-landed in front of us, one by one. These were all the stolen totems.

The sasquatch along with one of the humans—a large, elderly Asian woman—both roared and jumped down through the same hole in the floor that Yago caused. The other human, also an Asian woman, but much younger, said something to Li Jun, who screamed in outrage. “You’re not my cousin!”

I only had eyes for the fourth one. This was the card she’d stolen from Donut’s inactive deck. The only inactive totem Donut currently carried.

Leveled-Up Frank. Sober Edition. Level 100 Night Elf Blood Assassin.

“Hello, Carl,” Frank Q called as the floor rumbled. “Fancy seeing you here. Where’s your ring?”

“Go get him, Mr. Whatever you are!” Donut squealed at the cloud of tentacles. The Hell Scrub made a clicking noise and started floating toward Frank, who pulled a red sword from over his shoulder.

Both Katia and Li Na tossed more cards out as Donut also summoned Geraldo the monk seal, who crashed onto the floor and almost fell through.

A distant explosion shook the entire building. One of Katia’s trolls cried out and plummeted away.

Amayon let out a whoop of triumph, and he lifted his massive arms into the sky. In doing so, he knocked a corner of the building, causing everything to rumble even more.

This building is going to collapse.

Tran: I got the rock bastard! My wheelchair blew a hole in his chest! I need a healer.

Imani: Where are you? The floors are collapsing in on each other!

The world froze. The countdown stopped.

What the hell?

We had seven minutes and 27 seconds left. Had it really only been two and a half minutes?

I took in the scene. Frank was in the process of slicing his sword through a tentacle. The young woman—Zhe, who was apparently Li Jun and Li Na’s cousin—had a bloody, squirting heart in her goddamned hand. She’d just pulled it from the chest of the Legendary Master. It appeared the master totem had gotten a memory ghost’s shirt stuck on his face, which had momentarily blinded him. Li Jun was in the midst of a backflip. Katia’s skull-headed bird thing was flying through the air, aimed directly at the Frank totem. Li Na’s Xing Tian was about to time out already.

Samantha was finally on her way back, her glowing form just visible as she rocketed toward us. She was off the northeast edge of the building, perilously close to the massive demon, having blown a hole through the tornado of demon birds. She’d been tossed so far away, she had seaweed in her hair.

Ysalte was in the middle of tossing something else out. She couldn’t move, but she was like us, conscious of the pause. She started to shout insults.

And behind it all loomed Amayon, who had a new look of outrage on his demon face.

Quest Update! The Missing Piece Part One!

Demon Lord Amayon is trapped! The very demon eviction event that allowed him to come to this realm is his undoing! Now that he’s taken his true form, he does not have enough power to cast his spell! And what’s worse, there aren’t enough souls left in this dying world to even trigger the spell anyway. Everyone and everything is mostly dead!

If only there was a way to replace the souls that had triggered the event in the first place.

The same type of souls. The same flavor of chowder, so to speak.

Refill the world with souls. Then power Amayon up before the timer runs dry.

Oh, and the demon may attempt to cast an alternative spell before you buff him up. You’ll either have to stop him or convince him to wait.

Match resumes in thirty seconds.

“What the hell does that mean?” Katia shouted from behind me.

“Are you kidding me?” I shouted. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Oh my god, Carl,” Donut yelled. I couldn’t turn my neck to see her. “Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Is he in your hand?” I asked.

“No!”

“What about Midnight Express?”

“Yes, I have it!”

“What is this witchery!” Amayon shouted. “Release me!”

I took in a deep breath as I eyed the frozen form of Samantha. “Okay. Everyone. You’re gonna have to talk Amayon into waiting for a few minutes. I’m going to run the moment we unfreeze. Donut, message me when you pull him and then cast the Midnight Express card!”

“Run? What do you mean run, Carl? We’re on the roof of a skyscraper! Where are you running?”

“Samantha!” I shouted as loud as I could. “I’m coming to you!”

“I can’t move!” Samantha shrieked back. “I am frozen!”

The timer was about to resume.

This was going to suck. “Here I come! Don’t let me fall!”

Chapter 265

The world unfroze, and I bolted toward the edge of the building as the battle continued all around me. I jumped past the Zhe totem as she started to devour the heart she’d just pulled from the chest of the legendary master totem. Samantha zoomed back toward me at full speed, screaming as I ran and leapt off the edge of the building. I caught her in midair like a goalie stopping a penalty kick. I pulled her to my chest as we both dropped like a rock. Demon seagulls and bats, who’d been keeping their distance, shrieked and moved to pursue. We plummeted past a flying, humanoid, bat thing totem sporting Elle’s flag, which moved to attack the demons.

“Carl, what are you doing!” Samantha shrieked as we slowed our descent. She clearly struggled to carry me. She tried to struggle out of my grip as we approached the ground. The sensation was like trying to float atop the waves while clutching a slippery ball between myself and the ocean.

I slipped as Samantha bobbed up, and I grabbed onto her pigtails, like I was holding the handlebars of a bicycle. “To the ground, but stay with me! I need to run between the demon’s legs!”

“I am not a carnival ride, Carl! I will not... Okay, that does sound like fun. Hang on.”

We hit the ground, landing right around the corner from the gigantic, kaiju of a demon, who was still trying to cast his spell.

His centaur body was not like that of a horse, but almost pig-like. His legs were shorter than I was expecting, and each of his cloven-hooved feet were at least ten feet tall. This close, he stank of a scorched barnyard animal. He stomped in frustration, shattering concrete. Rock rained off the side of the building.

I still clutched onto Samantha as I turned and ran alongside the building and angled myself between his legs. His hair-covered body writhed over me as he continued to shout. Above, the roar of a new beast filled the air.

Donut: LI-NA JUST SUMMONED A DRAGON!

Black, stinking liquid rained down on us as I ran between his legs. It burned every time it hit skin. I didn’t know what the hell it was, and I didn’t want to know. Samantha squealed with delight.

“We gotta go to the beach!” I cried as we came out the back of the demon, who didn’t see or probably care about my passing underneath him. The ocean was just a block over, but I didn’t have time to run. “Fly! Fly!”

“You’re too fat, Carl! Louis and Donut need our help!”

“I believe in you! Go!”

Samantha grumbled as she zipped off again, me clutching onto her. She struggled to pull me up, but she managed to get me about a foot off the ground, complaining the whole time. She flew at a breakneck speed, passing between buildings, across the freeway, and we approached the beach.

Donut: I HAVE HIM!

Carl: How long does the Midnight Express card last?

Donut: THREE MINUTES!

Jesus.

Carl: Wait ten seconds then play it!

I glanced at the clock. Five minutes thirty seconds left. I let go of Samantha’s pigtails and dropped to the rocky beach, which was covered with corpses. I rolled and jumped to my feet, racing into the water. I didn’t see any zombies or demons. It was just dead fish and birds and seals and crabs as far as I could see. Mixed in were memory ghosts, walking along the beach, looking out into the ocean, enjoying the day after Christmas.

A new achievement appeared as Donut played Midnight Express.

It was one of the two consumable cards Ren gave me before she died.

Tag! You’re it! For the next three minutes, you are now the deckmaster!

The cards appeared in front of me, floating huge in the air. One of the four slots was taken by the Midnight Express card, which would remain persistent until it timed out. The card featured a pair of tag-team wrestlers. Behind me atop the building, Donut was now temporarily unfettered, which would allow her to cast her spells and use her inventory while I had control of the deck.

“Samantha,” I shouted. “Go back! Fast! Enhance Donut’s spells!”

She didn’t argue as she zipped off, leaving me alone on the beach.

The other three cards in my hand were Golden Combo, which would allow me to combine two totems, a Time Extend, and the card I was looking for.

Raul the crab.

I flipped the card, and Raul flew into the water with his typical fanfare. Far behind us, Amayon rumbled again.

“Daddy Master Carl! I am honored to be of service! I am ready! Ready to...” Raul trailed off as he looked upon the carnage. The crab turned in a circle, clearly bewildered. “What happened here?”

“No time to explain, but you gotta do your thing. Do it now!”

“Uh, what thing is that?” he asked, still looking about. “Everybody is dead. By the heavens. How is this so?”

A new card appeared in my hand. It was Alpha Male Carl. I hadn’t wanted to put him in the deck, but it was either him or Frank, and Donut decided he would be the better choice. We’d been a totem short after Donut used Ren’s other consumable card—Glow Up—combined with our Golden Combo to permanently fuse Lazarus with Skylar Spinach. The stronger versions of Asojano and Uzi Jesus made it a great, powerful combo, especially since we’d be allowed to bring a single card with us onto the next floor.

But none of that mattered right now.

Right now, I needed to get this damn crab to jerk off into the ocean.

The whole demon eviction event had happened, at least according to the announcer guys, because the AI had made the unusual decision to consider crab sperm a mob. Because so many had “died,” it broke Sheol, and it kicked off the event. Now, Amayon’s take-me-home spell required a metric fuckton of souls to pay the passage or whatever, and the AI was sticking to its original rule. It had set us up for this bullshit. It was clear it had to be a crab. I just had to convince him to do it.

“Listen,” I said to the crab. “We only have a few minutes. This is how you move to the golden heavenly throne or whatever you call it. Your people are dead. You are the last one left. The eggs are still out there. You can save your people, but you have to do it now.” I swallowed. “You have to fertilize the eggs. Go!”

He just looked at me. “Now? Here?”

“Yes!”

An explosion echoed from the building.

“Glorious Master Carl... That’s a lot of pressure to perform.”

“You have been training for this your whole life, Raul. This is how you save everybody. Go into the water and do it. Fast!”

“But why does it have to be right now?”

“Look. Do you see that giant demon over there? He’s going to destroy this world if he doesn’t go home. He needs a few million souls to go home. So some of your little guys will have to make a sacrifice, but the rest will be fine I’m sure. You have like a billion of them, right?”

“My hallowed seed consists of the essence of my holy ancestors. Ancestors who must fight for another chance to rise to the next stage.”

I tried not to let my frustrated panic edge into my voice. “That just means the survivors will be the most worthy. Right?”

Donut: THE GODDESS LADY SUMMONED A WEIRD VERSION OF PAZ BUT KATIA PUT HIM IN A SHIELD JAIL THING AND HE’S PROBABLY GONNA TIME OUT! ELLE AND BRITNEY AND LOUIS ARE BACK UP HERE, BUT IMANI IS STILL LOOKING FOR TRAN.

“Okay,” Raul said uncertainly, moving sideways off into the water so he was half submerged. The waves lapped all around him, washing more corpses up on the shore. The entire beach stank like death. “But don’t watch.”

“I won’t look. Just let me know when you’re done.”

Raul was only half the equation. I needed to power Amayon up. I was going to have to use Alpha Carl to help me. I turned my back and summoned the totem. It hit the ground, which started to rumble with his entrance sequence.

“I can’t do it,” Raul called from behind me. “I need a baby seal.”

I turned at that. “What the fuck, Raul?”

He waved his pincer. “No, not like that. The seals hang out near the eggs. It’s like an automatic reaction. We’ve been programmed to perform when we see baby seals.”

It was no wonder the monk seals wanted these guys all dead.

The ridiculous, red white and blue entrance sequence for Alpha Carl exploded across the beach. I tried to tune it out while I dealt with Raul.

“Look, over there. There’s a pile of dead baby seals. Try that.”

“Hello, little brother!” Alpha Male Carl called. “Whoa. What happened here?”

This version of Alpha Carl was much friendlier now that I’d been the one to summon him. A little too friendly. I glanced at the clock. This wasn’t going to work. Three minutes before the whole quest was done. One minute left before Donut took back control. I would still be stuck here when the Midnight Express card expired, and so would the two totems, but we were running out of time.

“You look upset. Do you want to talk about it?” Alpha Carl asked.

Donut: THE SATAN DEMON GUY WON’T LISTEN TO ME. HE’S GOING TO CAST ANOTHER SPELL. HE AND THE VINEGAR LADY ARE YELLING AT EACH OTHER. I THINK THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE IN LOVE. SHE’S ALMOST OUT OF CARDS. SAMANTHA AND I ARE GONNA HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.

“Okay,” I said to Alpha Carl, who was looking at me with sincere concern. “I need you to almost kill me. I can do it to myself if I have to, but I’d prefer if someone else does it so they can stop at the right moment. You have to beat me to an inch of my life and then stop.”

If I wanted my eighth-floor-only Martyr’s Path benefit to activate, I would have to be under 5% health. It would release flames over all of my outside-of-buildings footsteps. Since my fire attacks were currently enhanced with Sheol fire, and since I’d run underneath the demon, it would bathe the demon in Sheol fire. It would enhance his power. Hopefully enough.

The timing was important. It had to happen right after the release of the souls.

Behind me, Raul started to grunt. “Yeah. That’s right. Look at you all dead and shit. That’s right you fuzzy little seals.”

“You want me to beat you up?” Alpha Carl asked. “I’m not going to do that. I love you, little brother. Maybe we should hug it out.”

I tossed the time extend onto Raul just as the Midnight Express timer ended. The cards in front of me disappeared.

Tag! You are no longer the deckmaster!

Two minutes and four seconds left.

“Gah!” Amayon bellowed in the distance. I looked over to see the giant demon punch himself in the face. “I will destroy... Gah!” He did it again.

Donut: I CAST WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON SATAN!

Samantha: OKAY THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE. I THINK HE IS BIG MAD.

Alpha Carl put his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t need to hurt yourself to feel loved. Despite all of your failings...” He paused, looking over my shoulder. “All right. You’re gonna have to explain what that crab is doing.”

“He’s saving the world,” I said through gritted teeth. “But he needs motivation.”

Katia: Guys, Annie is down, and I’m out of cards. Daniel, on me. I’m going to try to stop the goddess.

Imani: I found Tran, but he’s surrounded by demons!

“It’s not working. I can feel you judging me,” Raul called.

“Stop being a little bitch and get the job done!” Alpha Carl barked.

“Don’t yell at me!” Raul snapped back. “I’d like to see you perform under this sort of pressure. Wait, never mind. Yell at me again. I think it’s helping.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re doing you weird little armored sea rat, but you need to do what my brother says or I’m gonna come over there and break you in half.”

“Yes. That’s it. That’s it,” Raul said. “It’s happening. I’m ascending! I’m ascending to past the cloud rank and into the golden heavenly light. No more kowtowing. No more kowtowing!”

“You two, keep going,” I said as I dashed away. One minute left. I was going to have to do this the hard way. There were plenty of ways for me to hurt myself, but I could only think of one that would also return me to the main battle.

Carl: Donut. I’m coming back right now.

I paused. Shit. This is going to hurt. Forty-five seconds.

Carl: SAMANTHA. DON’T LET ME OUT UNTIL THE FIRE FLARES.

Samantha: WHAT? WHY ARE YOU YELLING? I’M HAVING A TUSSLE!

Behind me, Raul let out a loud, satisfied groan as Alpha Carl continued to berate him. At the same moment, I pulled the teleport trap trigger out of my inventory, and I stepped into it.

I teleported to the trap.

The trap I left inside of Samantha.

Chapter 266

I landed headfirst inside of Samantha’s neck hole.

At first, I felt nothing other than the lack of oxygen. It was just my head, like I was wearing Samantha as a hat that covered my face. The rest of me was restricted, too, like Samantha had been burrowing through something when I appeared. It wasn’t tight, and I could move my legs and arms, barely, but it was burning hot, despite my resistances. I felt Samantha start to push me out, but I wriggled my arms up and grabbed her and pulled down, keeping her on me. I felt the lower half of my body slip away from something, and my legs were suddenly out in open air. I started to bicycle them back and forth.

We only had twenty seconds. I watched my health. Come on, come on.

And then, my head started to burn. The intensity ramped up. Fifteen seconds. I felt my hair burn away. Ten seconds. I could hear distant screaming, and I realized I was violently whipping back and forth. Five seconds. We weren’t going to make it. My health was plummeting.. I couldn’t breathe. The acid was literally melting my face off. But something was happening to Samantha too, as she slammed over and over against something.

The timer ended, and I wasn’t down to 5%.

I had failed.

I had failed. All that for nothing.

I had failed.

A page of notifications appeared, but I couldn’t read them.

I was at 7% health, and I ripped Samantha up off of me. I remained in darkness, and my health continued to dip.

A button appeared in my interface, and I mentally clicked it with all the force I had.

The Martyr’s Path has engulfed your steps.

The Scavenger’s Daughter has enhanced your fire attack.

My legs burned as a sound unlike anything I’d ever heard invaded my prison, wherever I was. It was like every wing in the world started flapping at once. Like every soul in heaven and hell sighed in unison. Like every scream was expelled at the same time.

I couldn’t breathe again, and I started to fade. All the air had been sucked from the world.

But just before I fully passed out, I gasped. The air returned as quickly as it had gone.

The slamming motion stopped, replaced by a cackling sound. Laughter. Laughter from Amayon. It came from right above me. I slammed my Heal spell. My health stuttered up. My health had gone down to 2%, and I had a blinking red line of debuffs.

The music stopped.

Quest Complete. The Missing Piece. Part One.

What? I didn’t understand. We’d run out of time. I’d cast my spell seconds too late. But then my eyes caught a notification persistent on the screen. A world notification. The timer had actually stopped with just two seconds left, but it wasn’t because of something I had done.

A deity has fallen. The heavens tremble with rage.

System Message. Crawler Paz Lo has slain the goddess, Ysalte. He has been marked for death by all deities except sworn enemies of the late goddess.

System Message. A Memorial Crystal for the Goddess Ysalte has been generated. It will be available to be looted on a future floor. Great riches abound to who may find it.

System Message. All worshippers of Ysalte have permanently been inflicted with the Despondent debuff.

What the fuck? What the actual fuck?

Ysalte is no longer in the realm.

The Scavenger’s Daughter has looked away, though her eyes remain open to the presence of Amayon. All of your vinegar-infused potions outside your inventory have been enhanced. The rest of her effects will fade with time.

My health rose, but it moved hesitantly, like I was still being drained in other ways. The heat was unbearable. I still didn’t know where I was. Paz had killed the goddess. But how? How was it possible? He was her own totem.

Just like Imani’s entire party had been killed by her own totem, I realized. Just like Uzi Jesus had shot Florin. They’d warned us from the beginning that our totems weren’t always safe. But how? She was immortal on this floor.

Everything from my waist up was still stuck in something, but at least I could breathe again. It was pitch black. My legs dangled in the air, but they were burning hot. I was too close to a fire. Samantha was still here, above me in the dark, growling and grunting and screaming. Suddenly we whipped again, slamming against something else. Nearby, the demon howled with outrage.

Donut: CARL WHERE ARE YOU? YOU BLEW UP THE WHOLE CITY! EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE! KATIA GAVE PAZ AN ARROW THING, AND HE STUCK IT INTO THE DWARF LADY’S EYE, AND THEN HE BLEW HIMSELF UP. WE ALL FELL DOWN SEVERAL STORIES. THEY GAVE HIM CREDIT FOR IT EVEN THOUGH HE WENT AWAY WHEN SHE DIED.

I slammed again. I tried a Heal potion, but it was still vinegar. I used a rare heal scroll. It felt like I was inside of a barrel that was rolling down a hill. I couldn’t sustain this. I tried calling out to Samantha, but she was still doing nothing but screaming in outrage.

“I will kill your mother! I swear to the heavens and hells she is dead! And I’ll make sure she stays dead this time! Release me this instant!”

Carl: I’m with Samantha! I don’t know where I am!

Donut: YOU CAN’T BE WITH SAMANTHA! THE DEMON GRABBED HER OUT OF THE AIR BUT HE’S STILL PUNCHING HIMSELF! I DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD WORK ON HIM BUT IT DID. IT’S NOT GONNA TURN OFF FOR ANOTHER TWO MINUTES!

Holy shit. I’m in the demon’s hand. He’s punching himself over and over.

Elle: We won the damn quest, but my card deck is still active!

Li Na: It’s the demons. They’re swarming the building, and they’re too close. It won’t let us finish out the battle until they’re gone, too! Our decks won’t go away until we’re out of range.

Louis: Dude! I got a Celestial box for outliving a goddess who has a marked for death curse on me!

Donut: WHERE’S CARL? EVERYBODY STOP TALKING WE NEED TO FIND CARL.

Carl: I’m in the demon’s hand, and he keeps punching himself with me in it.

I was actually being cushioned by the hand itself as he continuously pounded himself, but every time he hit himself, I took a ton of damage. Samantha remained above me, shrieking.

Elle: Holy shit. I see you! I see your legs. Don’t let him drop you! That’s Sheol fire burning at his feet. If you fall into that, you’re dead.

Imani: The demons are still swarming up the stairs. I need help. Tran and I are  trapped. We’re in a pocket of debris!

I tried a Heal potion again, and this time it worked, but it was only half effective. None of my spells would get me out of here. They’d either cause him to drop me or worse, squeeze harder. Samantha would be fine. I’d pop like a bug.

“You! Demon guy!” a voice bellowed. It was Donut, screaming at the top of her lungs. She was using her headset microphone at the full setting. The autotune was turned on, too.

“Turn off your spell,” the demon bellowed. “Turn it off or I will smash you and all you love.”

“I will turn it off, but you have to let my friends go. They’re stuck in your hand!”

Smash!

Amayon groaned as he pounded himself again. This time if felt as if he’d given himself an uppercut.

I felt myself lifting in the air, and he unclenched his hand, revealing me and Samantha. I started to pull myself toward her. If I could grab back onto her pigtails...

He turned his hand to the side, and I dropped, tumbling into his left hand with a heavy smack. He lifted me to be eye to eye, even as he punched himself again in the face with his right fist. Demon spittle rained over us.

“Let them go!” Donut shrieked again.

I almost lost my footing as I stood in the demon’s scorching hand. All around, the city burned. Every place I had stepped outside of a building had burst into flames. That spread all the way to the coast and back again. I wondered if Florida and Iowa were also burning. They probably were.

Samantha shook her head like a dog and came to hover next to me.

“Carl, that was the second weirdest sex I ever had,” she grumbled. “You gotta warn a girl if you’re going to just pop in like that.” She looked me up and down. “We are going to have to do something about your hair before we announce that we’re dating now. I’ll break it to Louis, but you’ll have to put up with me straying sometimes. If I ever catch you cheating on me, there’ll be trouble.”

“I did warn you,” I said, trying to catch my breath. I took another Heal potion. My head still spun. “And we are not dating. Nor was that sex.” I had resistance to surviving inside of Sheol, but even at a few hundred feet away, the Sheol fire itself was almost unbearable.

I looked up into the sky, and despite everything, I felt an enormous sense of relief. Even though he was punching himself again and again, he’d done it. Amayon had started casting the spell to send himself home. The massive, red cloud filled the sky, growing by the moment. I still had no idea how long it would take to cast, or if we’d buffed him up enough to cover the world. But at least he cast it.

Behind us, the FOSCA building still miraculously stood. Sort of. The area with the stairwell had completely collapsed in on itself. That was where Imani and Tran were trapped. The northern façade of the building was just gone, giving me a view of almost every level. Several other ceilings and floors had also collapsed, creating compartments and pockets everywhere. The top few levels were nothing but steel girders. Crawlers and totems along with some of the strippers and several of Bautista’s animals swarmed over the crisscrossing metal beams of the upper levels, all moving lower as demons swarmed upward, many climbing the outside of the building like spiders. The demons were all trying to get higher, closer to the sky and to Amayon, trying to make certain they could hitch their way home. But if they had the chance to get home by taking someone with them, they weren’t squandering the opportunity. From my vantage, I could see a dozen different fights all happening at once. As I watched, Dong swung his new sock at a demon crab who plummeted away, falling into the Sheol fire below. Steve the troll screamed as he swung his club back and forth. Li Jun and yet another kung fu totem fought side by side, swinging from metal beams as concrete rained.

I returned my attention to Amayon. The demon glared down at us. He punched himself in the face with his right hand.

“You are a child of Emberus,” he grumbled at me. He turned his attention to Samantha. “And you. That disguise won’t fool me. I know who you really are.”

“Oh, hey,” Samantha said up to him, suddenly acting casual. “So... how’s your mother?”

He started to growl.

Donut: CARL WHAT DO WE DO? DEMONS ARE EVERYWHERE. WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. I STILL HAVE MY DECK OUT. ALPHA CARL AND RAUL TIMED OUT AND RETURNED TO MY HAND BUT RAUL IS TWICE AS STRONG NOW.

Carl: Hang on a second.

I held up a hand. “I have a message from Emberus.”

Imani: There’s too many. Oh god. They keep coming.

The demon cocked his head. I had to keep downing Heal potions to prevent myself from keeling over. I felt like was getting cooked alive. The demon’s attention was fully on me.

“It’s more a question than a message, I guess. He wants to know if you know what happened to his son. Uh, what was his name again?”

“Orthrus’s daddy?” Samantha asked. “He’s such a good puppy. That was Geyrun. He got murdered.”

Amayon burst into laughter, but the laughter was cut short as he balled his right fist and hit himself in the face. I stumbled as the world shook. The spell was about to run out.

“That’s what he sent you to ask? To ask about his son? You tell him that I know exactly what happened to his child. I was witness to the deal being signed. If he assists in helping me kill my three brothers, I will tell him.”

Fuck me.

A new notification came, but it moved into a folder.

I took a breath. “I cast the spell that gave you new strength. I filled this world with the souls you need to go home. Tell those other demons to leave my friends alone, and I will deliver your message.”

The Why are you Hitting Yourself? spell timed out.

The demon sighed with relief. “You also helped slay Ysalte, the mother of my child, so we are even, and I owe you nothing, mortal. The act of speaking to you already delivered the message to Emberus. Soon, this entire world will be scoured. Know you have served your god well. You will be remembered as a martyr, I’m sure. Consider yourself lucky I have given you this much consideration.”

He turned his hand to the side, dumping me and Samantha toward the never-ending fire.

Chapter 267

I had anticipated this, and I grabbed onto Samantha’s pigtails once again as we slipped away. She screamed as we plummeted, but she angled herself back toward the building, almost like we were zip-lining, and we glided toward the hopping up-and-down form of Donut, who had Lazarus summoned next to her on a metal beam. She was on maybe the 25th or 26th floor, right above a group of intact floors.

Lazarus had his RPG out and was about to blast it into the chest of the demon, but I yelled at him to stop.

I let go of the sex doll head, and I stumbled onto the burning-hot metal beam.

“Carl!” Donut shouted. She was on her feet, jumping up and down on the hot beam. Mongo was one floor below, roaring at a group of approaching demon crabs. I could see him and others through the multiple holes in the floor. “Everybody is below, trying to get to Imani and Tran!” She paused. “Carl, what happened to all your hair!”

Behind me, the demon turned his back on us. His pig-like body turned and brushed against the building, causing it to shake even more. He’s done with us, I realized. He would leave us alone as long as we left him alone. He wouldn’t stop the possessed demons from attacking us, but at least we didn’t—hopefully—have to worry about him striking us down. He just wanted to go home.

The birds and bats continued to swirl around him, thicker than ever. They were still arriving from all over. Most of them seemed to ignore us, too. They only attacked if we got close.

Amayon raised both of his hands into the air, and he shouted something into the sky in a language I did not understand. Lazarus also screamed something and lifted his RPG again. He was trembling with rage at the sight of the massive demon.

“Leave Amayon alone,” I shouted. “We need him to cast his spell! And don’t fire that thing here. You’re going to collapse the building!”

“The building is already collapsing,” he complained. “Why summon me if you’re not going to let me blow stuff up?”

“Donut, Carl, come!” came a shout from below. I looked between my feet to see Li Na and Li Jun struggling with a group of demons one level below. That level still mostly had a floor. Sort of. Mongo was already there, perched atop a turned-over bed in a wrecked apartment while the memory ghost of a kid was eating something at a kitchen table. As I watched, a demon seal lunged at Mongo, but the dinosaur jumped up to our level, and the seal broke through the floor. It continued to fall, but the hole he made revealed another mostly-intact floor below that. Louis stood there on that next floor down, looking up at us.

“We’re coming!” I called. Donut jumped to my shoulder. She still had her card deck summoned. I aimed toward a girder and jumped, landing upon it as Li Na and Li Jun both jumped down one more level to be near Louis. I quickly followed, landing between Louis, Katia, and Dong Quixote.

“Imani and Tran are two levels below,” Katia said, “but the whole area is swarming. If we can get to them, then we can get the hell out of here!”

“No!” Dong shouted. I turned to see a group of crabs swarm up through a hole in the wall. One grasped onto the arm of Author Steve Rowland, and a portal opened up. The troll was sucked into hell, screaming. The elderly stripper shouted and rushed at the remaining crab and clobbered him with his nickel sock. The crab went flying off the edge and plummeted into the fire below.

Lazarus shouted something and another crab appeared, coming through a wall. It grabbed onto him, and they also disappeared. Splitter or not, getting pulled into hell was a good way to completely eliminate a card.  I jumped back and prepared to kick, but both Lazarus and the crab were now gone.

Totem Eliminated.

“We need to go down one more floor!” I shouted.

“Carl, why hasn’t the quest updated yet?” Katia called as we prepared to jump.

“I think we’re waiting for the cloud to spread over the whole world,” I shouted back. I kicked a charging crab and felt it shatter under me.

Below, I could see Bautista, Britney, and Elle ripping up pieces of rubble to gain access to the next floor down. Tran and Imani were apparently trapped in a pocket. Elle had two totems summoned helping with the job. One was another sasquatch thing, and the second was a massive bear/hippo thing called a Gumberoo.

“We need more hands!” Elle called. “Come help!”

“The entire building is covered with demon crabs,” someone called. It was another human. Another Li Na totem. “We need to hold them back while you work!” The voice cried out and died.

“I’m out of cards!” Li Na shouted.

Imani: They’re in here with us! I’m holding them off the best I can!

Elle: Do you have cards left? Do you have a Flee card?

Imani: I won’t leave Tran. And I don’t trust my last totems.

Tran was in Katia’s squad. She’d have to use a Flee card for him to get away, but she didn’t carry them in her deck. She was out of cards now, anyway.

“I have a few Phase Through Walls scrolls!” I called, jumping down to land amongst everybody else. “I can get through, give them the scrolls, and we can keep going down!”

“If you read that, you’ll drop like a rock,” Elle called. “You can’t control it. You’ll end up in a pile of rubble and cut in half. Let’s dig first!”

“Donut,” I said. “What about your Hole?”

“It’s not in my hand!” she said. We’d added the Hole spell to her staff totem in hopes of using it to cut either an enemy totem or deckmaster in half.

“What do you have?”

“Alpha Carl is back in my hand. Shi Maria. My golden combo card. and the Lamp snare. I can’t discard for a bit. I already discarded Jola. He’s too big for this place! I don’t have any Flee cards in my deck, either!”

“Okay,” I said, looking around, thinking fast. We had demons coming up from both sides. Everybody was engaged, fighting them off while Elle and the others were desperately digging through the rubble. “We need you to get rid of your deck. You still have Puddle Jump available, right? We gotta get everybody out of here.” She still had Skedaddle, too, but that escape spell would likely dump us into a pile of Sheol fire. “Discard when you can, especially the snares, but in the meantime summon Shi Maria and Alpha Carl and combine them. That’ll get rid of that combo card. Do it fast. We don’t have time to deal with either of their usual bullshit anyway, especially Shi Maria. Maybe combining them will help. Have them hold off the demons while I help to dig. Discard or play everything you can until you get your staff totem!”

Donut tossed Alpha Carl back out and then Shi Maria, shuffling the spider off toward the edge where there was no ceiling. Hopefully she would fit. Both of their entrance procedures started.

I punched another crab before it could grab unto me, and a notification popped up.

The Scavenger’s Daughter has been fed. Unleash her wrath.

I looked at the bar in my interface, and it crackled with black energy.

I needed to unleash it, but I didn’t dare do it while up here.

Alpha Carl appeared. Just behind him, Shi Maria appeared, too tall for the hallway. Metal bent and snapped as she materialized. Most of her bulbous body hung outside the building, but her long, horrible legs spread out, snaking into the hall. Donut tossed out the Golden Combo card.

Alpha Carl looked at me and was about to say something when his face exploded. Shi Maria had shoved a leg right through the back of his head. He exploded all over me, showering me with gore.

“Carl!” Donut shouted in panic. “It says...”

The intended target of the Golden Combo has been incapacitated. Proceeding to the next available target.

You have been combined with Shi Maria.

~~

Thanks all for your support. Tomorrow will be chapters 268, 269, and the epilogue.