Chapters 254 and 255 (Patreon)

Remember what I said last week about cliffhangers?

Chapter 254

Time until level collapse: 6 days, 15 hours.

<Note added by Crawler Tipid, 5th Edition>

It was me or him, and I chose to save myself. I didn’t think. I reacted. I reacted to save myself. Anybody else would do the same. I keep telling myself that again and again. Does that make me evil? No, I don’t think it does, not when I think of it logically. Then why do I feel that way?

~

I paced back and forth, trying to figure out the last part of the plan while Donut rearranged her deck for sustained combat. I now knew where we were. We’d actually teleported deeper into Havana, but we were in a small, forested area surrounded by trees with the city just a few blocks away. We were about five kilometers from the church exit and 15 from capitol building. I didn’t know which one Quan would go to, but I suspected he’d head for the further one.

I only had half an idea. Think. Think. Think.

Ren: Carl, I gotta say, those teleport traps really fucked us. Khulan isn’t even back yet. We set off those teleports and a goddamned alarm trap that I had to pull into my inventory because it wouldn’t shut up. It was playing a Backstreet Boys song. How far away did you teleport us?

Carl: There’s multiple types of teleports. The two-part ones let me pick a specific location. The loop-de-loops let me change places, and the regular ones just send you out to a random location. That’s the kind I used there.

Donut: YOU’RE LUCKY HE DIDN’T BLOW YOUR CHEATING ASS UP.

Ren: If he’d blown us up, you wouldn’t have anybody blocking the door, now would you?

Donut: IT WOULD BE WORTH IT.

“Donut, chill. We need them.”

Carl: There’re more regular teleports outside on the stairs. Best leave them there. Set more of your own traps if you have any. If he’s coming, it’ll be soon. Be careful. I think he can go invisible.

“Don’t tell her where the traps are! Even if they stop Quan, we’re still going to have to fight them. Her meatball wants to eat Mongo. And who the heck is Khulan? I’ve never met a Khulan. Is that a boy name or a girl name? I bet they’re a cheater, too.”

Khulan was a woman, part of Ren’s team. I’d never talked with her, but I’d seen her a few times on the recap along with the rest of Ren’s squad. I couldn’t remember her class, but she was human. She would paralyze people while Ren torched them with her flamethrower. Ren’s regular party was normally seven or eight people, so I didn’t know who the last member was. I knew she’d had a terrible time during phase two and only a few had survived.

“We’re not out of this yet, Donut. Take a deep breath. Stick to the plan.”

“What’s the plan? We don’t have a plan yet! I can’t Puddle Jump that far, and my Skedaddle won’t work like that, either. We don’t know where he’s going!”

I reached down and scratched her, trying to calm myself. Her eyes were flashing as she quickly rearranged her cards. “Listen.” I lowered my voice, trying to sound soothing. We were in a hurry, but this was important to get out. “Even if we don’t stop him, I have my bone key benefit. I can still open that door. Imani is our first priority, and our friend. We’re trying to save her. But we are safe for now. Okay?”

“Okay,” Donut said after a moment.

“And Ren is our friend, too. I know you don’t like her, but we can still do this without having to hurt our friends. We’ll do what we can. I will use that bone key if it means I don’t have to fight either of them. You saying inflammatory shit is going to make them not trust us.”

Donut didn’t say anything. She was shaking with fear. She would never like Ren. And she didn’t trust the bone key benefit.

I didn’t trust it, either. I thought of Tipid, and their last few entries into the cookbook. Of the terrible suspicion I had about how that key worked. I didn’t have time to think about it, and I put it in the back of my mind.

I reached down and picked up Samantha with two hands. I brought her up and looked her in the eyes. She was covered in sand and gore. She felt heavier than usual, and there was a slight vibration to her that wasn’t normally there. She still had the Desperado Club logo tattooed on her neck where Katia had tapped it with the poke and stick tattoo kit, but the ink was starting to fade.

“Samantha,” I said. “This is important, so pay attention.”

“We’ve discussed this, Carl. If you want to date me, you must get in line. Maybe if you fight Louis for my honor I’ll consider it, but not if you mess up his beautiful, squishy face.”

I resisted the urge to shake her. “We don’t have time. You haven’t been honest with us. You have to tell us what you can do.”

She just looked at me.

“You mean, like, with my tongue?”

“Goddamnit, Samantha. You teleported an entire beach back to us. You can fly. A while back when we were in the simulation room, you almost cast some sort of attack spell. I can feel how much power you have coursing through you. But I need to know what you can do. What you can cast.”

She opened her mouth and closed it.

“Please,” I said.

Her mouth started to quiver. “I... I don’t know why, but sometimes I feel stronger than usual. Before I was banished to the Nothing when I had my original body, I would get more powerful when someone prayed to me or bought a charm with my likeness or when I melted someone who wouldn’t date one of my worshippers with my Acid Bath. You know, like normal stuff. But it’s not like that anymore. My father took my power away and my whore of a mother tried to steal my man, and everything changed.”

“Okay, but when you do feel stronger, what can you do?”

“I can fly. I can fuck up anybody who looks at me funny.”

I took a breath. “Be more specific.”

“I can help spells. I can make them more powerful. But it doesn’t always do what I want. Like, sometimes it’s a lot stronger than I thought it would be. And sometimes it doesn’t work too good. I used to have this dissolve spell that was really great, but I haven’t been able to get it to work. Not on the, uh, outside. And sometimes my magic does stuff without me asking.”

She suddenly burst into tears. “It’s because of this stupid body. You have to get MaeMae to the next floor so she can get the supplies to get me into that flesh golem. I can do all sorts of good stuff when I have a real body.”

“Other than flying and enhancing spells, can you cast anything on your own right now? Can you teleport me?”

She continued to weep. She spoke through gasped sobs. “Teleport? No. I’m useless. Oh gods, it’s true. I’m useless!” She turned in my hands. “Don’t look upon me. Now you know my dark secret. I’ve been faking it the whole time. It’s all a lie!” She blew snot all over my hands and started rubbing her nose on me. “I’m a fraud. How can anybody love me? You’re going to tell Louis, aren’t you? You’ll tell him, and he’s going to reject me! Just like my king did when he left me for my mother. Everybody always leaves me.”

“Samantha,” I said, trying not to let my exasperation show in my voice. “You’re far from useless. You’ve helped us a bunch of times. And you’re getting more powerful by the moment. I’m not going to leave you. You’re part of the team.”

She sniffed and blew out more snot. She grunted and turned herself to face me again. “Really? I’m part of the team?”

“Yes. Of course.”

She sniffled again. “Why do you want to teleport?”

“I need a way to get somewhere fast, but we don’t know where it’ll be until the last minute. It’s one of two places. Somewhere far. I thought maybe since you’d gotten to Shi Maria so fast, you could teleport more than you were saying.”

“I didn’t teleport to MaeMae. I told you what really happened. I hitched a ride. I tried to stop a train and I got stuck to the front, and when the train left the edge of the map, I got squished and bounced away, and I landed in her web. I might have wrecked the train, too.”

“You never told me that.”

“Why don’t you do what that scary lady does? The mean one whose dog got his head popped off by Donut? I know you have some of those traps, too.”

“It’s too late. I have to set those up...” I trailed off, and I blinked. Holy shit. Of course. I jumped into my inventory and searched for the two-part teleport traps. How many did I have? I only needed one set, but more would be better. “Samantha, I could kiss you.”

“I’m not a whore, Carl.”

~

Mordecai: There’s two more of the two-part sets for sale on the market. That’s it. They are really expensive. Too bad the Desperado is still closed. I’m buying them now and will have them for you.

Carl: I have four sets. Florin?

Florin: Hang on, mate. I’m going in right now. I hate going down this early, but I’ll let you know. Okay. Going through the door right now. You’re right. It’s a room. About five by five meters with a stairwell in the middle. It’s just like the room with the giant globe from the beginning of the floor.

Carl: Do you have any traps? See if it’ll let you drop one on the floor.

Florin: I got a spike trap. Dropping now.

There was a long pause.

Florin: Sorry, mate. Got an error that says, “This area is outside the level. No traps may be set in the stairwell chamber. Nice try, though.”

My heart dropped. For a second there, I thought we’d found a way to avoid any more bloodshed.

Carl: Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. We’ll have to do it the hard way.

Florin: I reckon after what you did with the bubbles on the fifth floor, they ain’t too keen on letting people teleport their way out of trouble anymore.

Carl: Mordecai. My trap master skill lets me put traps on non-static items. Will that work? Like, if I put it on the back of an automaton, and it walks into the room with me?

Mordecai: I really doubt it. Sorry, kid. Those rooms have some strict rules. The rules regarding stairwell chambers are even more strict than those surrounding saferooms.

Carl: Damnit. Okay. Sorry for making you go down early, Florin.

Florin: No worries, mate. See you on the other side. Keep your head up. Do me a favor. If you get word of Lucia, send me a message. She had good days and bad days, and it’s been more bad than good lately. Li Jun says she just took out half the squads who don’t hold keys, and they’re holding back, hoping they don’t have to fight her. Any message you send I’ll get when I pop out onto the ninth floor.

Carl: I will.

Samantha was still in my grip, turned upside down with her jagged, latex stump facing up at me. I remembered that badger bartender guy who’d gotten his arm stuck in there. It’d had an acid effect. He’d eventually been ripped in half by Minge the demon, but when Samantha had discharged the rest of him, the flesh had been burned off. I hoped the small, fist-sized spider automaton would be okay. It had the anchor half of a teleport trap affixed to its flat, top surface, designed specifically to hold such things. Samantha insisted that it would be okay, that her “Juice” would only burn flesh.

I took a breath and shoved the little spider inside. It pushed easily into the latex. The small robot made a scared, disapproving noise as it disappeared. My fingers did not burn. I had the impression that it took a minute for the acid to start working.

Samantha bit me on the hand as I shoved it in. I grabbed the second, red-painted automaton, this one with the trap Donut had set. I was careful to only touch the sides of this one. Donut didn’t have the trap master skill, and she couldn’t use the two-part traps at all, but thanks to the hunter battles at the end of the previous floor, she was now level five in the Automaton Pilot skill, which also allowed her to affix some other traps to the back of the little robots. This one was also a teleport trap. A rarer one, actually, but one that required a lower level to use. It easily slipped in with a little slurp noise.

“Samantha, how many of these can I fit in here?”

“I can take anything you got.”

I shuddered as I slipped two more automatons in. These were the same as the first.

Samantha stifled a giggle. “This is just like...”

“Don’t. Please, no. Just make sure you pop them out the moment you land, and tell me when you do. The last thing either of us want is me teleporting directly into, you know.”

“Into my nussy?”

“Yeah. That. And make sure the automatons are right side up, too.”

A new chat popped back up. It was just Mordecai.

Mordecai: You need to quit trying to help everybody else and focus on saving your own ass. I think you’re onto something with the teleport traps, but I don’t see how it’s going to work for anybody else. In order for those things to work, you have to set up both halves yourself. You can’t set the trigger half and have someone else set the anchor. If that was the case, you’d be able to just teleport around at will using the guild rooms to trade trap anchors with other crawlers.

As we talked, I dropped Samantha and started moving through the clearing, arming the trigger half of the three teleport traps. The first I set to only be tripped by myself.

Carl: But we can do that, and I hadn’t even thought of it. At least I can. I can teleport if we use the automatons. We’re doing it now. I can set the anchor on the back of the automaton and give it to someone else, and I can go where ever I want. After this, I’m going to make sure Donut trains up the trap ability so she can do it, too. We might not be able to teleport directly into a stairwell chamber, and it won’t do us any good to zap into an area with more keys than squads, but if there’s someone out there with an extra key... But first we need to save Imani and Ren’s squad. We’re just waiting to see where Quan shows up first. Donut is preparing to activate the aggro of the duendes. There’s like a hundred of them out there, so she can keep the battle going for a while if she has to. She stays here, and I go in.

Mordecai: Okay. Assume you get the keys. What then?

Carl: I’ll give one to Imani and one to Ren using our flee cards. If we can’t find someone with an extra key, I’ll use the bone key on myself. We have options now, Mordecai.

Mordecai: Saving Imani, I understand. But I wouldn’t count on there being any extra keys floating around. First, you’ll only have a few days to get Donut’s trap skill up high enough. And you need to rethink removing one of your bones, potentially a vital one, to save that other crawler. Plus you’ll lose your jacket, and all the benefits. It’s a shitty trade off no matter what you do.

Carl: It’s three other crawlers. Good people. We need everybody we can.

Mordecai: Everybody else needs you more. Donut needs you. It’s stupid to risk it. You don’t know if the teleport trick will work. I’ve never even heard of this bone key benefit before. I have seen other magic keys, and they don’t always work as advertised. Self-preservation is not being selfish. You have to take care of yourself first.

Carl: If I have to, I will make the tough decision. But I will be damned if I’m not going to do everything in my power to prevent it first. I almost made that mistake already on this floor, and I would’ve lost everything. I’m not going to do it again. Not until it’s too late.

Mordecai: What does that even mean?

I ignored him as I spray painted an arrow on the ground, pointing to the third teleport trap. I looked at Samantha and had a thought. I pulled one more of the aimed teleport traps out. My last, for now. “Samantha. Come here. I’m gonna place one more inside of you.” I put the other half, the actual trap part, back into my inventory.

“Oh boy,” Samantha said as she hopped into my hands and presented her neck hole. It wriggled like the butt of a puppy.

“Please don’t do that.”

“I can’t help it. It does it by itself when I’m excited.”

A new chat popped up.

Ren: He’s here. I think he may have disabled the teleport traps by the entrance. He’s invisible, but Chuluuna can see him. He’ll reappear once the fight starts. He hasn’t come in yet. Being cautious. We’re hiding and will confront him if he gets in. Get your ass here if you want to help.

Carl: I’m on my way. My aim kinda sucks, and it’s about 15 kilometers away, so it’ll take a few minutes. Hold as long as you can.

“Donut,” I said as I pulled the head tosser extension out. “It’s time.”

Chuluuna was also a human, but he had a strength-based class that allowed him to turn his skin to stone. He was Ren’s main tank—at least he was until she got that pet—and he could withstand her flamethrower. He was also husband to the third crawler in their group, Khulan. I prayed Donut was wrong and we wouldn’t have to fight them.

I carefully side-stepped my trap as Samantha hopped into the head-tosser. I really needed to practice more with this thing, but I was already getting better at hitting a target. The problem was, I couldn’t see the capitol building from here. I had to get her over most of the buildings in downtown without over-shooting her into the ocean.

Deep breath. You can do this.

I spun and tossed. Samantha rocketed away.

“Carl,” Donut said as we waited. “What if they don’t fight at all, and he gives his second key to the dog lady?”

“He can’t just give up a key. They have to fight. It would require him to use a Flee card, and he won’t do that. It’s too risky. I don’t think he can choose which key he’d lose, so he’d risk having to fight Imani and probably us again. He went to the further stairwell because he’s probably hoping we haven’t talked to the people there and warned them of his tactics. He’ll try to fight and will go straight to the stairs the moment he gets Ren’s team to teleport away. He’ll take the other key with him. Now go start your fight with the Duendes. Be careful. Mongo, keep her safe, but don’t kill them too fast.”

Mongo screeched and then turned toward the woods and started stalking toward the red dots. The tiny mobs were all over the place, swinging through the trees, chattering angrily.

“Don’t send them into the teleports until I say so,” I said. “Make sure you’re protected first. Make the best combo you can.”

Donut was clearly nervous. “Don’t let that meatball eat you.”

Samantha: THAT WAS A GOOD THROW! I’M ACROSS THE STREET! I QUEEFED OUT THE SPIDERS!

Carl: Are they upright?

Samantha: YES!

“Here we go,” I called as I stepped forward into the first teleport trap.

Chapter 255

Entering Havana.

Crunch.

The spider automaton crushed under my weight as I teleported atop it. The other three spiders—two regular and one painted red—scattered away. Samantha was only a few feet away. I unsummoned the xistera extension still at the end of my hand, and she blinked and reappeared right next to me.

A bolt of lightning shot out the front of the capitol building, crashing through the door. Glass shattered, pouring down the stairs.

I looked about, searching for zombies or demons. I didn’t see anything, but smoke rose from several places in the city. Many buildings were on fire. A distant screeching filled the air, followed by multiple crashes. There was nothing here, though, and that was good.

Combat Started.

Donut: WE ARE FIGHTING THE DUENDES. MONGO IS EATING THE ONES WHO GET CLOSE. THERE WAS ONE NAMED CARLOS. LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU WANT THE TOTEMS. I HAVE JOLA AND SKYLER SPINACH IN MY HAND NOW. I’M WAITING TO SUMMON THEM.

Carl: Okay. We’re here. I’m rushing in now.

I looked at the red automaton. I didn’t want to risk anyone hitting that one yet. Donut had set it so crawlers not in her party would set it off, so I couldn’t trigger it, but because her trap skill was so low, if I did touch the trigger plate, it would go off and go inert. It was an emergency Loop-De-Loop, meaning if someone touched it, they would switch places with Donut. I didn’t like Donut being separated from me, and this was our only option to get her back to me in a pinch. I’d have to hit another crawler with the trap. I would’ve preferred to use a regular trap, but she wasn’t high enough level to use them yet. This was one of Lucia Mar’s favorite traps, though I suspected her trap skill was so high, she could turn them off and on from afar, controlling them like gate locks.

I turned to the other two robot spiders. Thanks to my upgraded table, they actually listened to voice commands now. “You, stay here and stay hidden. You other two, follow me upstairs but stay outside. Samantha, on me.” The two spiders clicked and followed.

The red spider buzzed and lowered to the ground, pressing itself against the wall. A memory ghost walked by, and his pants got stuck on the spider, covering it up.

I downed an invisibility potion. We rushed across the street and moved up the stairs moving toward the broken door. The whoosh of Tserendolgor’s flame thrower went off, followed by an unholy screeching and a wave of heat. Even in a card battle, I knew she could still use the thing. The ground rumbled.

A screaming, flaming pox slug rushed out the door. The level 11 slug was about as tall as my knees. It had green, spiked hair atop its flaming head. The strange monster ignored us as it tumbled down the stairs, the flames overwhelming it. It hit the bottom of the steps and stopped, its flesh bubbling.

“Oh boy,” Samantha said, looking down at the still-flaming corpse. “This party looks like it’s gonna be a fun one.” She looked up at me. “Carl, where are you?”

“I’m right here. I’m invisible, now shush,” I said, moving to the side of the door, peering in. I tried to take it all in as quickly as possible.

This was the room it had all started in. It seemed so long ago Donut and I popped into this room on the first day of the eighth floor. It had seemed so tranquil back then, but now everything was on fire. Chaos reigned as Ren and Quan fought.

We wouldn’t get added to this particular fight because Donut had to be in range. She was in the middle of her own fight far away. She chose to use her card deck for that fight, which meant she could summon her totems as long as the battle with the duendes was still active. Donut remained safe, but, using the teleport traps, I could bring her summoned totems to me.

That meant—at least I hoped that meant—that Quan couldn’t use his snare cards on our totems. And more importantly, our totems could attack Quan directly without having to worry about first dispatching his own totems. It was an exploit. Actually, it was more than an exploit. It was a chickenshit move. I didn’t care. We just needed to get through this before they patched it.

I prepared a sticky hoblobber.

Quan was there, his back to me, high up against the ceiling, screaming something I couldn’t make out. As I watched, he cried out in pain as another slug slurped out of him, plummeting to the ground. The level-12 slug hit the tiled floor and groaned in pain before pulling itself up. This one was female for some reason, and it had clown makeup and weird, wispy pigtails on the side of her slug head.

Quan had summoned that turtle thing again, and it sat there in the middle of the room. There was some sort of low-level pig thing summoned, too. Meanwhile, Ren stood with her back to the exit, flamethrower in her hands, and she was waving it back and forth. The Chuluuna guy was next to her. The large, Mongolian man was a hulking presence. He appeared to be in the middle of casting something. Garret, her pet Tummy Acher, stood on her other side, even bigger than Chuluuna. The pet was also a damage tank, and it could swallow just about anything whole. It giggled as Ren torched the room.

The third member of her squad, Khulan, wasn’t here at all. She still hadn’t returned from being teleported away. With the zombies and demons everywhere, I knew she had a dangerous path back here.

Ren’s squad had some tall, hairy totem summoned, standing in front of them. Ren’s flamethrower went right through it, not hurting it at all as it stalked toward the turtle. I could also see that Ren had taken our warning about Quan’s tactics to heart. She had a mystic card summoned, facing outward. It was preventing Quan from looking at her hand or forcing discards.

I moved to throw the hoblobber up at Quan, but I paused as a new notification rolled in.

Amayon has made an appearance in the realm.

You are in the presence of a Demon Prince of Sheol. The Scavenger’s Daughter has opened her eyes. She fills with dark power.

Temporary effect: All Fire Spells Utilize Sheol Fire instead of regular fire.

Several miles to the west, a gout of flame burst into the sky, followed by a scream that shook the ground.

Area Message:

The Madre de Aguas has succumbed to her zombism curse. She has fallen and risen again. But the curse has left her vulnerable, and a major demon has involuntarily slipped into the realm. Amayon has arrived. Beware, all. Beware.

Hell has come to burn the world.

“Uh, Samantha,” I whispered, pausing. “Who is Amayon?”

“Oh, is he here? You know the crown prince of Sheol? The ladies in the harem thought I had banged him when I was talking about someone else? Ew, as if. Amayon is that guy’s brother. I’ve never met him. We didn’t have much to do with the down-there guys, if you know what I’m saying. We all mixed together in the Nothing, but he wasn’t in there. He likes to set things on fire. Kinda like Emberus, actually. They don’t like each other.”

Quest Update. Find out who killed my son.

You have a rare opportunity to question Amayon, one of the four princes of Sheol as to who murdered my son, Geyrun. He may have some insight into the matter. Do not allow this opportunity to go to waste.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I hiss-whispered as a second, deeper bellow filled the air. A distant explosion rocked the earth.

Donut: CARL ARE YOU DOING THAT OR IS IT THE DEMON?

Imani: What is going on out there?

I started to send a response but I had to hit the ground as a Chain Lightning spell shot forth from Chuluuna. It hit the turtle, the pig, the slug—which exploded, and Quan. Several branches shot out in other directions, including out the door. It arced right over my head.

Quan’s jacket absorbed the attack, and he was unharmed. Both the turtle and the pig fell over, almost dead as Quan tossed out a Mass Heal card. He summoned a third totem. It was a level-10 rabbit that hit the ground with a peep. It didn’t have any sort of entrance sequence other than a explosion with the words Yeah. It’s a Rabbit floating over it.

At the same moment, Ren tossed out another totem of her own. This was a big one.

The ground began to rumble anew as red, yellow, and blue streamers exploded through the air. Holographic dirt showered everywhere. A horn fanfare played.

Carl: Donut. Send them in. Who do you got?

Donut: I WILL COMBINE LAZARUS WITH SKYLER AND THEN SEND JOLA. I’LL PUT A TIME EXTEND ON BOTH. IT’S THE BEST I CAN DO WITH MY CURRENT HAND. HERE THEY COME.

“Okay, Samantha, if this doesn’t kill him, I want you to go fuck up that one-armed guy floating there. I need you to distract him as much as possible because he’s about to be pissed.” I turned to the two spiders and whispered, “Inside! Inside!” The spiders beeped and moved into the room, each following along the inside wall and toward a corner, trying to stay out of sight.

Quan started to play another card as I tossed the sticky hoblobber up at him. It splotched against the back of his head and detonated. He cried out and flipped, angling downward and crashing heavily to the ground. That would’ve one-shotted pretty much anyone, but he had multiple shields going. He was disoriented but otherwise unhurt. His shield spell that had protected him was now in the red. We had to keep it up or it would refill.  He cried again as another, bigger slug slurped out of him, coming from underneath his jacket. This one was already dead, having been hurt in the blast.

“Not so fast, you one-armed bitch!” Samantha shrieked, flying toward him. She landed on his shoulder and chomped down.

At the same moment, Ren’s newest totem emerged, coming up out of the ground, showering floor tiles everywhere.

Wriggle, Writhe, Repeat! It’s the monster you can’t defeat! It’s Basquiat, The Mongolian Death Worm!

The worm was like a bus-sized version of one of those sand worms from the Dune books and movies. The beige, fleshy worm featured three face flaps that opened like a flower, revealing circles of sharp teeth. The thing was big enough to swallow me whole. It opened its weird mouth and roared as the confetti exploded all around it.

Ren tossed another card onto the worm. A glowing consumable.

Temporary Immortality!

“You’re fucked, now!” Chulunna shouted.

Garret cackled with laughter as the worm moved toward the rabbit.

Everything froze as Quan finally let go of his latest card. The card rose into the air, spinning before it exploded, meaning it was a consumable.

Toss-Up! Three for two!

The icons over all five of the active totems flashed and switched. The rabbit, pig, and turtle were suddenly on Ren’s team, and the hairy ghost thing and the Mongolian Death Worm were now flying Quan’s flag.

“Oh, shit!” Ren called, pulling her flamethrower back up as the hairy ghost fell onto Chulunna. The ghost had a blinking notification over it, that it was about to time out. The worm continued toward the rabbit, gobbling it up as it passed through the ground, disappearing, the sound like that of a train whipping by. It appeared again as it burst up through the tile floor and into the air, consuming the turtle, and then taking out the pig, all in a single gulp.

All three of Quan’s former totems were consumed in a seconds.

Quan, still disoriented from the blast, shook his head and started to rise back up in the air, ignoring Samantha gnawing on his shoulder. My invisibility ran out. He turned to look at me and shouted something. I felt the ground rumble just as a pair of totems appeared in front of me.

Jola the Christmas Cat appeared, filling the left side of the room, rising all the way to the ceiling as Lazarus appeared on the right, bazooka at the ready. The automaton spider under him crunched in a shower of sparks. He’d been combined with Skylar Spinach, but he looked exactly the same as before.

I dove backward, jumping from the entranceway and back outside as the ground rumbled. The death worm appeared, flying out of the ground right where I’d been standing. The entire entrance to the capitol building started to crumble. The massive, fast-moving worm squealed and arced through the air. It chomped directly onto Lazarus, who cried out in pain, getting swallowed whole by the worm, who dove back below ground.

“Chu! Chu!” Ren called as her friend was pulled apart by her own totem. I hadn’t seen what had happened, but the man’s innards had been ripped apart in the seconds I’d been looking away. Just like that.

“Mér líkar ekki úlpan þín,” Jola said. The cat’s voice boomed, filling the room. He was talking to Quan.

The worm reappeared, right underneath the cat, but it passed through the noncorporeal totem and it arced again, slamming onto the floor without piercing it. It did a barrel roll as it vomited out a shower of gore and body parts, including pieces of Lazarus. The worm’s head turned toward Ren, who was kneeling down before the body of Chulunna. The other totem was gone, having timed out.

“Basquiat, no!” Ren called.

The worm roared and dived for Ren. She rolled out of the way. The worm took out the corpse of the other crawler and disappeared.

Ren tossed a card. A mystic that covered her with an opaque protection shell. It had a 20 second countdown over it.

“I hath risen again, motherfuckers!” came a new voice, jumping out of the gore of worm vomit. Uzi Jesus stood to his full height, his entire body glowing with golden light. He also now held not one, but two gold-plated Uzis.

Uzi Jesus – Gold Edition.

Behind him, Asojano had also returned. He, too, shined with golden light. It was clearly Asojano, but his name had changed. The strange wand he normally held had turned to a short staff with a sugar skull at the end. His grass skirt now appeared to be made of woven gold.

Lord of Blight – Gold Edition.

Donut had combined Skylar Spinach, the splitter ghommid, with Lazarus. So when Lazarus had died, he’d reverted back to the two cards that had been used to create him. Except that Skylar was a special type of Ghommid, and when he split, the new versions were actually more powerful than the previous.

Donut: CARL, CARL. WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME! I SUMMONED SHI MARIA AND SHE’S EATING THEM TOO FAST! SHE ASKED WHERE YOU WERE, AND I TOLD HER, AND NOW SHE’S MAD I DIDN’T SEND HER TO YOU!

“Guys,” I said, pointing at Quan who’d just desperately discarded something. He’d floated back to the ceiling, but his shields were down. His hand was empty. He’s looking for a Flee card. We couldn’t let him get away. Not again. “Finish him off.”

“No problem,” Uzi Jesus said, twirling his twin guns on his fingers. One went off and flew away. “Dad damnit. Ow, fuck!”

The ground rumbled again. The worm popped up under Ren, but it stopped with a metal clanging noise, the sound like that of a car crash. Ren’s opaque shell didn’t move. A fissure ran along the wall.

“Jola, keep the worm off our back!”

Jola wasn’t listening to me. He only had eyes for Quan. “Mér líkar ekki úlpan þín.”

The cat opened his mouth, and a yellow bolt appeared.

Fashion Critic!

Everything Quan was wearing flew off of him, like an explosion. He dropped like a rock, crashing hard to the rubble. Samantha spun, screaming across the room, bouncing off Garret and rolling to the center of the chamber. Clothes flew around the room in every direction, including a shining cloak that spun to a stop at my feet. I quickly scooped it up and pulled it into my inventory. An achievement appeared, and I waved it away.

That was pretty much the same spell as Donut’s Laundry Day except the cat was going to literally eat the clothes if we let him. Why? Who the fuck knew.

Quan groaned. A card appeared, but it was clearly not a card he wanted. He was naked now, the stump of his missing arm waving back in the air. The stump on his arm held half of a tattoo, the top half of a young girl’s face.

Jola glared at me. “Þjófar verða étnir. Gefðu það til baka.”

I had no idea what he said or why the system wasn’t translating all this Icelandic, but the threat was clear. I took a step back. The death worm made another attempt at Ren, equally unsuccessful. Her shell would disappear in a few seconds. The next attack would get her unless she managed to summon another totem. Her massive meatball pet ran in circles around her static shell, babbling, clearly ready to push her out of the way the moment the shell ran out. I doubted even the tummy acher could withstand an attack from that worm.

“Yeah, baby!” Uzi Jesus cried as he unloaded his remaining uzi into Quan’s naked, one-armed body. “Yeh the fuck haw!” His halo burst into golden light.

Bullet Hell!

More bullets suddenly rained, coming from all directions, pouring into Quan. An impossible amount, and not just from the direction of the gun, but from above, too, pouring into him like rain.

These weren’t real bullets, I realized, but more like bee stings, otherwise he would’ve been dead already. Quan’s body danced on the floor as if was getting turned into Swiss cheese.

Yet, the tough little bastard still wasn’t dead. His health plummeted. Asojano slowly walked up to him and went to a knee, ignoring the hail of bullets. He put his hand on the prone man’s body. Boils appeared across his naked chest. A line of debuffs appeared, one by one, each appearing with a plink.

Still, Quan lived. I watched, fascinated.

That is, I watched until a growl from Jola took back my attention. The cat had just finished slurping up Quan’s pants and was now looking at me and hissing, clearly angry at me for taking the jacket. He was going to pounce.

Carl: Holy shit, Donut, end the battle! End it now!

Donut: IT’S ALREADY OVER! SHI MARIA IS EATING THEIR CORPSES LIKE POPCORN!

Jola hissed and pounced and disappeared in a puff of smoke as both Uzi Jesus and Asojano disappeared.

Combat Complete. Deck has been reset.

Quan wasn’t dead. Donut’s fight was done, but this one wasn’t yet. He lay on the ground, bleeding, unmoving. His eyes had turned completely white, and he had a dozen debuffs floating over him, including several I recognized. He was blind, and he wouldn’t be able to heal. He was done. Still, I had to finish him off before that worm ate Ren. The ground rumbled. Behind me, Garret the tummy acher let out a strangled cry as it rolled directly into Ren, pushing her away just as the shield disappeared. At the same moment, the worm popped back up and tried to eat the meatball, but Ren cast a trap card, freezing the worm in place for fifteen seconds. Garret rolled away as Samantha yelled something at him, rolling after the meatball.

“Carl,” Quan wheezed. “Carl. Give it back. Please. Fast.”

I started to scoff. Like I would give the jacket back to him.

But I realized that wasn’t what he was asking for. I quickly searched into my inventory, and I found it. The simple, golden ring I’d taken off his hand when I’d ripped his arm off. It was a ring from before, likely his only possession from before the collapse. The ring read “For Daddy” on the inside.

It was still attach to his arm, which I still had in my inventory. I extracted just the ring and dropped it into his remaining hand.

He took in in a deep, rattling breath. “She’d be ashamed of what I’ve become.”

I didn’t answer. I formed a fist, but before I could finish him off, he died.

The frozen worm disappeared. More gore showered onto the ground where the worm had been, including the corpse of Chulunna.

The battle was over.

Quan Ch, with over fifty player killer skulls, was dead. Finally dead.

~

A champion has fallen. A bounty has been claimed.

I hadn’t realized he’d slipped back into the top 10.

Donut: CARL, CARL I GOT CREDIT FOR THAT!

The ground shook again, and this time a chunk of ceiling fell, landing directly onto Garret.

I reached down and tried to loot Quan, but it wouldn’t let me. Donut had to do it. I’d be able to get the rest of his stuff in a few minutes.

A new dot appeared on my map. A crawler. I straightened my back, but it was Khulan, the last surviving member of Ren’s squad.

“No,” she said, running into the room. The younger, Asian woman didn’t even look at me. She ran to the mangled body of crawler in the back of the room. She fell to her knees, draping herself over his body. “No, Chu. No!”

A ton of cards appeared floating over Quan, more than I’d ever seen. There were dozens of them. I couldn’t loot any of them.

“Where’s the keys?” Ren asked. Panic rose in her voice. “I didn’t get the keys!”

Donut: CARL, THEY GAVE BOTH THE KEYS TO ME! THIS IS GREAT!

Oh, shit. I hadn’t been expecting that.

“It’s okay,” I said. “Donut got credit for killing Quan. We’ll get her over here and get you a key. We have time. I’m sorry about your...”

Warning: The door to the exit stairwell at El Capitolio Nacional de Cuba has sustained damage and will become unusable in five minutes. If the doorway crumbles, the associated key will dissipate.

“God fucking damnit.”

~~~~~

Hey all! JordanCon was a blast. Thank you everybody for your continued support. My next con isn’t until the end of May… Crypticon here in Seattle. I plan on having this finished before then. Only a handful of chapters to go. It’s probably not going to end how you expect. We’ll see.