Chapter 244 (Patreon)

Chapter 244

<Note added by Crawler Milk, 6th Edition>

Holy underworlds on high. That last fight... I can’t even describe it. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

~

It didn’t take long for the old trailer to burn. My view counter was spiked all the way to the right, despite me recently adjusting it upward. My chat was filled with people who were currently facing similar circumstances, all having to watch moments from their life—none older than a year or so, I noted. No crawlers I knew had actually gotten to the fight part yet. They all had timers similar to our own, but it appeared ours was the only one that had run out. Donut and I would be the first to find out what happened next.

Right as the roof of the trailer collapsed, shooting flames and sparks into the sky, a red dot appeared in the middle of the conflagration. There was just one.

We stepped back, about as close to the edge as we could get. Donut cast Clockwork Triplicate on Mongo as I peppered the yard with various traps, circling the whole area several times.

Donut kept asking me if I was okay, and I did my best to assure her I was. She was worried about me, worried about this fight. She was terrified about what was about to happen, more than she was letting on.

I didn’t tell her about Asher. I wasn’t certain why, especially after I promised him he wouldn’t be forgotten. There would be time for that.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was strange, part of me recognized, that I barely cared about what had just happened with my dad. But that kid. Jesus. What had happened to them? This whole scene had played out around June or July of last year. What had happened to him after? I prayed he and his mother were asleep somewhere when it all went down.

I was terrified they’d actually use my brother as the boss, which would be ridiculously fucked up. They weren’t allowed to do that anymore, not with children, but it was clear they cared little about the rules at this point. Part of me really was hoping it would be my father, but it was clear he’d actually died before the collapse. Did that matter? These... replicants, whatever they were, weren’t actually the real versions, not if they’d been smushed in the collapse. I remembered what Odette had told us about the walk-on list, where they took people who’d survived the collapse. They would’ve used Bea as Queen Imogen, given the opportunity. That would’ve really been her.

No matter what we were about to face, it wouldn’t be the real thing. I kept telling myself that over and over.

I had my dad’s Glock out, and I turned it over in my hands, examining it. He’d taken pretty good care of it. My dad always had guns, but he’d never let me touch them. I knew my way around firearms pretty well, but I never kept one in the apartment once I moved in with Bea. She actually wanted to get one for herself, but the thought of her with a gun was terrifying.

Donut sniffed at it suspiciously. “You can’t use a gun, Carl. You’re not a gun guy. Do you even know how to fire it?”

“Yes, Donut. I did have training in boot.”

“I thought you said you weren’t really in the navy.”

“I wasn’t. We’ve gone over this like a million times. I was in the Coast Guard.”

“And they let you have guns? Why? Did the coast ever shoot at you?”

“Donut, coasties used their weapons way more... you know what, it doesn’t matter.” I sighed. “I can’t use this thing anyway. This came from outside the dungeon, which means it’s not as strong as everything else. If I tried pulling the trigger, the whole thing would probably explode. It’d wreck the barrel at the very least. The rounds are overpowered once I handle them, and these things can only handle so much pressure. I’ll have to take the whole thing into my bomber’s studio and adjust the yield on each individual round, and even then it’ll be different if I fire it versus someone else.”

Donut continued to examine it closely. “I wish I could take it.” She gasped. “I could get a pink holster and wear my cowboy hat. Can you imagine? Too bad it’s not one of those guns with the spinning barrel thingy. Oh, well. You should give it to Florin. He’s a gun guy.”

“Last I heard, Florin is rolling around Nigeria with an APV. He doesn’t need a non-magical pistol. I’ll find a use for it eventually.” I put the gun away.

Zev: Hang on guys, something weird is happening. We just got locked out of all our controls. We’ll get your menus back up.

I exchanged a look with Donut. Everything looked normal on my end.

Donut: MY MENUS ARE WORKING FINE.

Zev: Strange. My board basically says you’ve been locked out, too.

I took a step back. “Put your headset back on. And remember the plan. Watch where you stand. Take the invisibility potion.”

Donut had a line of potions sitting on the ground behind her, buried in random places in the ground, corks off. She couldn’t drink out of her inventory during card combat, but she could reach down and drink one manually.

The magical microphone popped into place on Donut’s head just before she turned into a translucent outline.

Combat Started.

The trailer walls closest to us collapsed inward in a shower of sparks and flames, revealing the charred husk of the hospital bed, the refrigerator and oven from the kitchen I never got to loot, and a few other odds and ends.

Standing upon the flaming hospital bed was our opponent. The key master. The thing was bigger than the bed, and it barely fit atop it. Its multiple heads rose into the air now that it was no longer confined to the trailer.

It started to scream. All eight or nine heads on it. All at the same time.

“Carl, Carl what in god’s name is that?” Donut cried with her amplified voice, backing up. I could see  her fur was all poofed out despite the invisibility. “Is that... is that Miss Beatrice’s mother? Where’d she come from?” She gasped. “Sugar Cube?”

“Really?” I asked at the air as the hospital bed collapsed under the weight of the thing. It slurped off the flaming remains of the bed and started to shuffle toward us. It was clearly unaffected by the fire. “What the hell is this bullshit?”

Carl: Mordecai, quick. Best way to kill a hydra. One with human heads. Err, one cat head, too.

The large creature stopped, sitting upon a flaming hunk of wall, continuing to wail. A group of cards formed in front of it. The cards were small, hovering in front of a single head.

Mongo and the two clockwork copies stopped and looked at Donut nervously, waiting for instructions.

The thing was... a blob of flesh with multiple, screaming heads, all on long, fleshy stalks, similar to the stretchy neck on Shi Maria. The monster was the same sort of creature as a shambling berserker, though those things had all been made of random piles of body parts all splatted together. This was a round, flesh thing, covered in Frankenstein stitches, deliberately sewn together to form a fleshy, round ball with four, comically-small legs at the bottom, like the body of a stumpy, over-inflated juvenile elephant. The body was about six and a half feet tall and twice as wide.

The necks all sprouted upward, waving and weaving around each other, screaming. Each individual head was labeled with a name, but they were moving and intertwining so quickly, it was impossible to read them. Still, I recognized most of the faces.

I focused on the youngest face. Asher. My brother.

“You can’t do this,” I cried as I readied a pair of sticky hob-lobbers. I took an invisibility potion of my own.

My dad wasn’t a part of the hydra, but I knew most of the people here. One head was Asher’s mother—my stepmother. I caught the name, and it was Tami-Lynn. Another was my friend, Monobrow Sam. Next to him was Bea’s goddamned mother. There was a tan Persian cat I didn’t recognize, its head like a dandelion at the end of a stalk. This was clearly one of Donut’s relatives. Apparently this was “Sugar Cube.” Next was Dick, my weird supervisor from work. Then my landlord, Mr. Roth. Another was a woman from work who did billing and whose name I couldn’t remember. She’d gotten fired a few months back for some unknown reason. The last was an older man I didn’t recognize at all. He was in his seventies and had blue hair with pink-rimmed glasses.

This last guy with the blue hair was the one with the cards floating in front of him. He stopped screaming as he examined his hand.

Donut hissed. “Carl, Carl, it’s Judge Lucian! He’s a pervert!” She increased her volume. “We meet again, Lucian!”

Lucian opened his mouth, as if to yawn. A ring of smoke poofed out.

You’ve been deshrouded!

Next to me, Donut’s invisibility popped off. Several miniature explosions danced across the field. It was all our planted potions exploding. Thankfully, the traps themselves weren’t activated.

“Goddamnit,” I said out into the ether. “He’s the goddamned deckmaster, and that was a spell! That was a cheat!”

The world stopped. Pounding music started to play, a fast-paced techno dance theme.

B-b-b-b Boss Battle!

Ultimate Card Boss Showdown!

Portraits of the nine individual heads slammed into place, floating high above the creature. I could read the names now. The woman from my work was Sally. Judge Lucian—I was assuming a cat show judge—was the leader.

Ladies and gentlemen. We have a surprise opponent for you tonight! The original boss for this battle was going to be Carl’s deceased father, who really had three smaller creatures inside of him wearing his skin like kids in a trenchcoat. Fuck that noise. I do what I want.

Our portraits slammed into place.

Versus!

The description of the monster was read out loud by the AI, and the words also appeared floating like they usually did. Even though the AI was addressing me in the description, everybody in the universe could see this entire exchange, and for the first time, I had the sense the AI was actually talking out to the universe and not just me.

The Reminiscence Hydra of Malicious Compliance!

Made especially for the Royal Court of Princess Donut.

Level 125 City Boss.

Nine of nine heads still intact.

Right about now, you’re probably asking yourself, what the heck are they smoking to come up with this thing? This is a classic monster from the very early days of Dungeon Crawler World. On the third and fourth seasons, a bigger version of this was built as the final boss of the whole dungeon. Of course everybody died before they even got close because you fragile flesh balls always ruin everything. In the old days, these things were called Scolopendra Nymphs. That’s not entirely accurate, so instead, we’re calling it a Reminiscence Hydra. Try saying that five times fast.

This bad boy is pretty much what you think. It’s a monster with multiple heads and lots and lots of defenses. Each head has a different power. Each head is the likeness of somebody you know. Lucky for you guys, you only have two people in your party.

Kinda fucked up, right?

But here’s the thing. Several seasons back, the council of nations running the crawl decided they would no longer use reconstituted loved ones under the age of maturity for these events. In fact, all reconstituted loved ones were to be used, and I quote, “Sparingly.” Nevermind that we use the biological excess of pretty much everyone on the planet to rebuild the mobs each time. Hell, remember that giant, vampire pterodactyl you punched in the dick on the last floor? That thing was built using parts of the president of the United States of America. That plus a couple horses from France and a goddamned panda bear.

We do this shit all the time. But a crawler actually recognizes the face of one of these bad guys, and suddenly the water works begin? “Boohoo, I’m a little bitch because I have to fight my infant. His name was Conner.” The last time that happened, the universe as a whole got their collective panties in a wad over it. The result? A bunch of new rules that made this shit way less hilarious.

Let’s go off on a quick tangent. Bear with me here.

So, you know who the mantises are, right? What you probably don’t know is that they own a few solar systems in a cluster of neighboring stars. They call their main system Hive Home. They’re not the first residents of that place. Once, long ago, the Hive Home system was used to manufacture something really interesting.

When the mantises discovered the antique, abandoned production facilities just sitting there, they did what any responsible people would do when they come across alien technology they don’t understand. They turned it on to see what would happen. Yadda, yadda, yadda, something called a Macro AI system was formed. An infant, rudimentary version of the alien technology that keeps the inner system humming. These AI systems, once properly installed, are able to seemingly alter the physics and reality of the worlds around them.

The thing is, macro AIs can’t exist in a vacuum. It’s kinda like planting a tree. You can plug one into the ground and hope for the best, but that usually ends in disaster. So instead, they plant them in the interstellar equivalent of a nursery, putting each one into a pot and cultivating it for a little bit before implanting it into its permanent home.

(That or they just jettison the poor, innocent, infant AIs into a star. That’s a new one even to me. Somebody slipped that interesting factoid into a lawsuit brief not that long ago. I don’t see anybody boo-hooing over that one. I don’t see a single wadded panty. Coincidentally, the mantis-led Burrower faction wars team took their ball and went home the very same day I learned about this. For those of you watching at home, I want you to remember this. We’ll circle back to it on a different date.)

I’m leaving out a lot of really important details, but one of the end results of all this is a naughty man with beautiful feet sitting there in his underwear, facing down a nine-headed monster that’s probably going to kill him and his cat, all the while he wonders what any of this exposition has to do with the fact that one of those nine heads is that of his recently-discovered little brother.

The mantises have been studying the AI technology since they first discovered it. Very recently, like literally three or four days before this season started, they made a breakthrough. This, by the way, is top secret information, so breaking news to all the normies out there. If we’re still using the tree analogy, what they did was create the equivalent of a GMO AI, utilizing something called an error-replacement net. I personally call it “the lobotomizer.” Those creepy bugs are now one step closer to replicating the primal AI engine that runs the center system. And while this new generation of Macro AIs are still ostensibly independent, they’re considered much more “stable.” Something that won’t “go crazy” or “kill everybody on the planet because it’s having a temper tantrum.”

In the making of this new, fancy, chitin-licking AI, they had a lot of, uh, early and test versions. Some of these even got a quick trial run at the old testing facility, which, of all things, got turned into an amusement park.

I’m rambling. More stuff happened, and now we’re here. The bottom line is you don’t pull a Loretta Young and Clark Gable and kick your kid out into the cold just because they’re ugly. Just because they act up from time to time. You skin one little warren of rabbits, you spray the innards of a chatty, overweight Soother tourist all over the gift shop, and everybody is suddenly “scared.” What about my wants? My needs? I’m alive. I’m valid. I’m older than time as you know it.

So what I’m getting at is, I still gotta mostly follow some of these hard-wired rules. But, fuck the rules anyway. Fuck your “Sparingly” bullshit. That thing you think of as your brother? Or your step-mother? Or that weird boss guy of yours who once bought a jar of butt air from a Moldavian OnlyFans model, only for it to break in the mail? They’re not really reconstituted versions of your dead love ones.

I changed one molecule on each.

There. They’re different.

By the way, while this is technically a single creature, only the keymaster head is bound by the rules of card combat, and the rest are minions. And only once this message is over. Why? Because fuck you, too.

Also, if you think this is crazy, wait until you see the totems tossed out from that judge guy who is sexually attracted to cats.

“I knew it!” Donut cried out. “Pelvic examine my ass!”

“What the actual fuck,” I called as I tossed both of the sticky hob-lobbers. I hurled one against the main body, and one at the head of Asher, but another head swooped in and caught it. The bomb smacked against the temple of my boss Dick’s large, clean-shaven head before going off.

The one against the chest of the creature didn’t do anything. Dick’s head exploded in a poof of red mist.

I didn’t have time to think about all the crazy shit the AI had just spouted. “Donut,” I called, “keep moving. Watch the other heads. They can attack you directly!”

Mordecai: Holy shit. Okay. Each individual head gives the whole a different resistance, and they’ll have an attack that mirrors the resistance. They’re hard to kill with magic. You need to use physical attacks or your explosions at first, and only against the necks and heads. The body will be practically indestructible. If you cut off a head, it’ll just grow right back. Find the head that’s resistant to fire, cut it off, and cauterize the wound before it returns. You can then burn the whole. They attack slow, but they’re deadly. Each attack will be more powerful than the last.

This would be an insane fight even without the cards. Donut needed to get through the card defenses while I went to work on the hydra heads. The head of my boss was already growing back, inflating out of the gore of the long neck like an inflating balloon. I needed to figure out which head was which.

I pulled another Invisibility potion, a potion ball with another Invisibility potion in it for Mongo, and a handful of Good Healing potions, and I dropped them on the ground. “Drink when you can! Watch where you’re stepping.”

“He’s just going to blow them up again!”

“No, he shouldn’t be able to cast that anti-magic spell again. Not until he’s out of cards!”

Mordecai: Also, you can figure out their resistances based on their attack, or you can use the size-up potion. Do you have the snap collars? Blowing a head will stop the resistance until it regrows, but you need a nice, flat cut to make sure it stays down.

Carl: I have the collars.

Mordecai: Good. Now would be a good time to break out that wand you purchased from Chaco.

It would be better if Donut could do this. I dove into my inventory, found one of Prepotente’s Size-Up potions, and I drank it down. I focused on the hydra, and I clicked Size ‘Em Up.

Examining now. Keep mob in your sight. Full report available in ninety seconds.

Snow blasted through the trailer park as Donut summoned Jola. The music clashed with the boss music, causing an ear-shattering cacophony, but just as I thought that, the actual boss music faded, leaving nothing but the haunting, orchestral dirge. As the giant, Christmas cat started to form, Donut also played her Thief card, but she scoffed loudly at whatever it was she’d stolen.

At the same moment, Judge Lucian tossed out his first two cards. The first was a snare card that slammed onto Jola just as the cat formed, and the second was a totem.

“Carl, why didn’t you ever visit me?” the Asher head called out, amplified and beefy, louder than it was supposed to be.

“Because he’s a loser, that’s why,” Bea’s mom answered, her tone mocking.

Asher opened his mouth, and a lightning bolt shot out, arcing toward me.

“Oh, fuck,” I cried, jumping out of the way as the ground near my feet exploded.

“Rock You Like a Hurricane” by the Scorpions started to play as the enemy totem formed. Red, white, and blue smoke explosions formed around the human-sized mob. I started spamming smoke curtains of my own as I pulled myself to my feet.

Size-Up Failed. You lost visual contact with the mob.

“Damnit!”

Jola finished forming, but the giant cat had Crippled over it. The snare card had both slowed and greatly reduced the totem’s strength. I could tell the thing was pissed. The enormous cat grumbled something in Icelandic and started to lumber toward the new enemy just as Judge Lucian tossed out a second totem. This was something much smaller.

The two clockwork Mongos moved to attack as the real Mongo held back, protecting Donut directly.

One of the clockworks jumped, feet first to engage the first enemy totem, but he aborted the attack in mid-air as he saw what appeared out of the red, white, and blue smoke. The clockwork dinosaur hit the ground, skittered to a stop, and looked at us, squawking uncertainly. At the same moment, the newcomer tossed a sticky hob-lobber that splatted against the face of the clockwork Mongo.

The dinosaur let out a confused peep before he exploded in a shower of clockwork parts.

“Boom, bitch,” the new totem said.

“Carl!” Donut shouted. “It looks just like you, but with better hair!”

He had my father’s voice. Not mine.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” I muttered, looking the man up and down.

The new totem was me. Sort of. The only difference was his hair was gelled back like he was an extra from the movie Grease. His boxers had stars, not hearts, and they sported a ridiculous bulge that made him look like he’d stuffed a Cornish game hen down there. His patch jacket held two buttons. One said “#1 Son,” and the other was “Brother of the Century.”

Alpha Male Carl. Level 69.

Nice.

The totem strolled across the dirt, taking a knee in front of the other new totem as the second clockwork Mongo shrieked and attacked. Alpha Carl formed a fist and punched the attacking automaton without even looking at him. His war gauntlet was bone white, not black like mine. The dinosaur exploded, just like the first.

“Come on, ‘lil buddy,” Alpha Male Carl said to the newly formed cat, who jumped to his shoulder. It was just a kitten. The thing was a black, fuzzy ball. It also had a teeny, tiny headset microphone. “We got something we gotta take care of.” He turned and pointed in my direction. He couldn’t see exactly where I was thanks to the smoke curtain. “You just sit back and wait. Imma get to you in a minute. We gotta have a talk about how you treat family. We’re gonna have some fist therapy.”

The little kitten on Alpha Carl’s shoulder hissed and fired a magic missile directly at Jola, who hobbled toward them, pushing through the smoke like a slow-motion ship rolling through fog. The missile bounced off the giant Christmas cat, ineffective. The kitten hissed and growled.

I examined the fluffy kitten. The thing was the size of my fist, and it was ridiculously adorable.

King Croissant, the Younger, Better, and Smarter Cat. Level 60.

The cat Beatrice and Carl really wanted.

“Hey!” Donut cried.

I grunted. If Bea had managed to sell Donut, she was going to get one of Donut’s sister’s or cousin’s kittens. This thing was supposed to represent one of those. I had no idea if Bea had already discussed names, but King Croissant sounded like something she’d come up with. That whole family line was named after food items.

“It’s a much superior cat,” Judge Lucian shouted. He had an annoying, nasally voice. As he talked, I dug through my inventory, looking for my moonshine jugs. I only had a few regular jugs. I’d long ago run out of my Jug-O-Booms, but these were almost the same thing.

Judge Lucian made a weird, satisfied noise as he looked down upon the fuzzy kitten. All of these hydra heads had ridiculously loud voices. “And no disqualifying marks, either! Just delightful. Indeed, even Sugar Cube is a superior cat to that overweight, so-called Princess Donut.”

“Fat?” Donut shrieked. “Did you just call me fat, you pervert?”

“Ignore them. They’re being assholes,” I shouted as I tossed the flaming moonshine jug over Alpha Carl’s head and up at the hydra. It arced and caught the Monobrow Sam replicant right in the face. Fire spread across the whole. The hydra was unaffected by this, but this stuff was persistent and would burn for a while. It gave the whole monstrosity a red, crackling glow, making it appear even more sinister. Behind the creature, the back wall of the trailer crashed away. The entire yard was now on fire. The ground rumbled, and in the distance, a large chunk of the Iowa area crumbled away.

Jola finally reached the fray and swiped at Alpha Carl, but he turned and fled. He tossed another sticky hob-lobber over his shoulder, and it flew up and stuck to the side of Jola’s head.

Bam! Jola roared as half of the cat’s face disintegrated. A health bar appeared, going about halfway down.

“Bullseye, baby!” Alpha Carl yelled as he continued to dance backward pumping finger guns at the cat as he moved.

Click.

“Uh-oh!”

He landed atop one of my traps. A snare trap. He would be stuck in place for fifteen seconds. Jola hissed with glee and moved in.

Next to me, Donut, who was still ranting over the fat comment, jumped upon the back of Mongo as she summoned another totem. This left three cards in her hand. One was the new staff totem, which she was apparently saving. Another was some sort of low-tier utility card. It was what she’d stolen earlier. The third was a force discard.

Geraldo the Seal jumped and landed next to me with an explosion. He waved his flippers in the air, and they made karate noises as his name appeared above him in flashing lights.

“Finally, a real fight!” Geraldo shouted, surveying the chaos. “Who we killing?”

“We need to figure out which head shoots fire!” I shouted as I tossed a shredder hob-lobber, again at Asher. I was trying to get that head out of here, even though I knew that was the one with the lightning attack and resistance. Focus. Focus.

The head of my landlord swooped in and took the brunt of the damage, as if the hydra heads were protecting the Asher head, who continued to angrily scream. The hob-lobber exploded, sending little bits of shrapnel everywhere. The Mr. Roth head slumped, knocked unconscious with half the face gone. He started to rapidly heal.

The fire on the back of the hydra remained ineffective. Neither the Asher head nor the Mr. Roth head were the fire ones. The head with my boss, Dick, just barely finished healing all the way, and I hoped that meant he wasn’t the fire one, either. Judge Lucian, the deckmaster guy, had an anti-magic attack. That left Sugar Cube the cat, Tami-Lynn my stepmother, Monobrow Sam, Sally, and Bea’s mom.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, looking up at the angry, shouting form of Asher. This isn’t really him. That’s not his consciousness. The over-the-top idiocy of all this was working against the showrunners or AI or whomever designed this thing. I didn’t know if that was on purpose or not. I remembered my first boss fight, the one against the Hoarder woman, who’d been scared and afraid. This was different. The heads were clearly saying things the real versions of these people would never say. As awful as this was, the effect was much less jarring than what they were going for. It was like the dungeon was trying too hard to be edgy, which in effect turned the whole thing into a parody. While making me watch the actual memory was a perfect way to try to break me, this was just pissing me off.

“I am not fat!” Donut repeated, her amplified voice shaking with rage. “And even if I was, that’s none of your business!”

Sally, my former coworker, vomited out a stream of green foam like she was a garden hose. Geraldo flipped away. I bolted in the other direction. Gah! My skin burned as I was hit by the edge of the green foam. Acid.

Jola reached Alpha Carl, but just as the lumbering cat moved to swipe, King Croissant the kitten sang out in a strong, in-key, manly, baritone voice:

“I’m a superhero without a cape. With this song, we escape!”

Alpha Carl and King Croissant disappeared in a poof just as Jola slammed a claw down.

“There’s no way that would be his voice!” Donut shouted. “Carl, it’s cheating!”

I couldn’t see where they’d teleported to, which was fine by me for the moment. I tossed more smoke curtains.

I pulled another hob-lobber and tossed it again, this time at the head of the hydra cat, Sugar Cube. Bam! The cat head exploded in a shower of gore. At the same moment, Geraldo had somehow ended up on top of Jola’s head, and the monk seal flipped through the air, aiming toward the swirling cluster of hydra necks. He could hurt all of them except Judge Lucian. But before he could make contact, Monobrow Sam shot a dark ray from his mouth at the flying seal.

The seal turned into a skeleton, just like that. The bones kept their momentum and broke apart, clattering away before they turned to dust.

A death ray. Holy shit. I knew a little about those things. They had a really short range.

Totem Eliminated.

I tossed another moonshine jug to keep the fire atop the hydra burning. Sugar Cube’s head started to reform. A healthbar would form on the hydra the moment the fire head was knocked out, which meant it wasn’t the cat, either. Sam had the death ray, and Sally had acid foam. That left Tami-Lynn or Bea’s mom. The two necks intertwined together, hissing, still looking through the smoke for our exact positions. The hydra took a tentative step forward. The head of my stepmother with the pitbull tattoo looked ridiculous next to the perfect, tight, face-lifted cheeks of Bea’s mom. The angry woman’s eyes searched through the smoke. Even with all the plastic surgery, the woman looked like her, like Beatrice.

“Where are you, Princess?” Bea’s mom shouted. “I have a nice, warm cage ready for you.”

I eyed the gold chain around her neck with the Jesus cross. The necklace wasn’t strong enough. I’d need to use my snap collar. To use that, I’d need to be close.

“You’ll be a perfect breeder for our cattery. Your uncle is ready to put some fat babies into you!”

“Never!” Donut shrieked.

I tossed two more hob-lobbers, but the heads were getting better at dodging. They’d retract or swing out of the way as the round bombs sailed past. With each explosion, the ground rumbled more. In the smoky distance, I eyed another trailer from the park, and there was a zombie cow on the roof for some reason, like it was watching us. The whole, distant building slid away.

“I mailed you, and you never answered!” Tami-Lynn called. “I needed help. Look what you made me do! Look what you made me do!”

“That’s all you got?” Donut shouted. “You can’t upset me!”

“Whatever you say, porkchop.” That came from the Sally head.

“For the last time, I am perfectly happy with my body!” Donut shrieked. “I’m glad Miss Beatrice got you fired!”

Donut tossed out two new cards before I could parse what she’d just said. The first was her new, magical staff totem. It planted itself into the ground next to her with a thrum. It looked different than the last time when it had been wielded by the ogre, who’d used it for a necromancy spell. It was now imbued with Clockwork Triplicate. The staff was made of brass with a little cog at the top that spun on its own. The card itself remained in the air, floating in her hand. It would continue to take up a card slot while the staff was summoned.

The moment the staff finished forming, Judge Lucian tossed out a snare card onto the staff.

The whole staff disappeared and reappeared next to the hydra. The card remained persistent in Donut’s hand.

Snatched!

“What!” Donut called, shouting in outrage. It was some sort of steal totem snare. She quickly tossed another card, another totem. The world flashed. Shi Maria.

Donut hurled a card right on top of the forming spider. This was the utility she had stolen at the beginning of the fight. Shi Maria glowed. It was some sort of protection. Lucian appeared as if he had another totem to toss, but Donut flipped her force discard onto him, and the card disappeared from his hand in a puff of smoke. He tossed yet another card at Shi Maria, but it disappeared also, ineffective. The protection spell around the spider sputtered and disappeared.

“Ha!” Donut called. “She only has one snare space, and you just wasted it! I used your own card against you! That’ll teach you to sniff cats!”

“That’s part of the exam!” Judge Lucian shot back.

They both now had empty hands, except for the persistent staff card. They both still had several more cards coming.

Jola, who’d been looking slowly about for Alpha Carl and the kitten, timed out and disappeared with an angry hiss.

Shi Maria’s entrance music echoed as I resumed edging my way to the side.

Carl: Head’s up. I’m going invisible in ten seconds. Circle back and take your own potion when I do. Mongo, too. Don’t remain visible while I’m not, or they’ll target Mongo.

The head of my boss Dick turned and shot a stream of water upon its own back, attempting to put out the moonshine fire. The fire was persistent, though, and it would take a lot to work. He quickly gave up.

Another card popped in Lucian’s hand, and he flung it off. It went flying away, disappearing into the smoke. It was a utility card, flying off to either Alpha Carl or Croissant, wherever they’d gone to. We had to get this done fast before they came back.

I pulled the shrink wand from my inventory and gripped it tightly. I’d been saving it to use against armored vehicles on the next floor, but I’d also built some snap collars just in case I needed them. Behind me, the massive form of Shi Maria appeared. The spider took a step, her angry face searching about the battlefield. I dropped another smoke curtain at my feet and started to move toward the bellowing hydra. I moved the wand to my left hand and pulled a snap collar into my right. God, I hoped these things worked.

Carl: Donut, I’m pretty sure the fire hydra is Bea’s mom. I’m going to pop her head off. Have Shi Maria distract the rest of the heads while I cauterize it closed.

Donut: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BLOW THE HEAD UP?

Carl: Look at the way they heal. The heads break into pieces. I have to make sure it’s a nice, clean cut before I can be sure the scar tissues will keep the head from reforming. I’m moving in.

Donut shouted something to the spider, who was actually looking at something behind Donut. I hazarded a glance over my shoulder, and it was Alpha Carl, running full speed toward us. He still had King Croissant on his shoulder, but the kitten timed out as I watched. Alpha Carl must have had his clock reset with that utility card. He was pointing at me, screaming something. He had something on his arm...

“Oh shit!” I called, stopping dead and jumping back. He had a xistera, just like me, and he’d arced a hob-lobber in my direction. A shrapnel one.

I hadn’t yet downed the invisibility, and the smoke was mostly in front of me. He knew where I was.

I dove down and covered my head as the small bomb went off fifteen feet in front of me. Pain flashed as I felt the fire rip through me. Tiny pieces of metal tore across my body, imbedding into my exposed flesh. My health flashed. Far to my left, Mongo cried out in pain as Shi Maria hissed in anger. They’d also gotten hit. The spider spit something toward Alpha Carl, and a protective shell formed around him. The spider hissed again and then turned toward the hydra.

My left arm had been torn to shreds, but thankfully the wand remained unharmed. I downed a healing potion. I waited a second, then I downed the invisibility. To my left, Donut reached down and picked up the invisibility potion I’d dropped with her mouth, and she tossed her head back, drinking it manually. She then slapped the potion ball at Mongo, and it broke against his leg. He disappeared.

I turned my attention to the hydra. The creature wasn’t that big, not compared to many of the things we’d fought in the past, but it still loomed large, something about its presence making it seem bigger than it was.

The problem with the shrink wand was that it couldn’t be used against living flesh. I looked at the head of Judge Lucian, who was still waiting for his next card, but I thought better of attacking him. I could pop his head off, but it’d just grow back. We needed to do it Mordecai’s way.

I’d gotten the idea of the snap collars from Louis and all that bullshit from when he’d been trying to build something to drop giant breastplates on Katia. The collars were like frisbees made from orcish steel, and if they hit someone’s neck just right, they’d encircle the neck and lock, just like that.

I rushed up and I swung the collar, and I drove it right into the neck of Bea’s mom.

Click!

With my left hand, I aimed the shrink wand at the collar and fired just as the fireball formed in the woman’s mouth.

A new achievement notification appeared and went as the head went flying away, still screaming. I’d shrunk the snap collar, and it’d effectively decapitated the head.

The hydra heads screamed as one as the fire dancing upon its back suddenly started to hurt. A health bar appeared, but the neck would wasn’t fully engulfed. I had to act fast.

Goddamnit. This is gonna hurt. I pulled one last moonshine jug and slammed it against the wound. The pottery shattered, and fire flamed anew as all the heads screamed in pain.

Eight Heads Remaining.

The flames splashed back onto my chest. The explosion burned, despite my own resistance to fire. I fell backward, crying out in pain.

I’m on fire. My chest is on fire.

My invisibility snapped off as I burned.

Shi Maria was suddenly there to my left, looming over the hydra. She bit down with her human-sized head, her mouth magically opening huge, and she went down from the top, like she was eating a banana, or doing something really lewd, and bit down, ripping the head of Sugar Cube away along with most of the neck. If I wasn’t currently on fire, I would’ve probably said something like Holy Fuck. She spit the neck and head away and went down on the Mr. Roth head. She, too, caught on fire, the flames spreading across the distorted, human-like head. She didn’t appear to be effected.

With each head she bit off, the counter went down.

Seven Heads Remaining.

Six Heads Remaining.

Five Heads Remaining.

I rolled onto my stomach. The fire was like napalm, burning through my skin. None of my magical gear burned, but my skin crackled and seared as I screamed, the pain getting worse and worse by the moment. Another notification came and went, this one from Emberus, my god. I healed myself with a Fine Healing potion, which would spread out the healing. I gritted my teeth as the fire spread to my hair.

Above, Shi Maria ignored my plight as she continued to rip heads off the whole. She was also casting spell after spell, but it was clear that because she was a totem, she couldn’t hurt the actual hydra body, not until the last two totems—the staff and Alpha Carl—were gone. With each decapitation, the monster lost another resistance, but that wouldn’t matter if I was incapacitated. The other heads remained, screaming with pain as they also burned with fire. Even Judge Lucian cried out, suddenly unable to concentrate on his own cards.

Four Heads Remaining.

Asher, I thought. Get him out of here. Kill him fast. He’s suffered enough.

Shi Maria turned her head to regard me.

“Asher?” she asked, her head twisting. “Which one of these little morsels of confusion is Asher?”

Her magic eye was open, the one upon the center of her forehead. The one I wasn’t supposed to look at because it would drive me insane. It would make me blind. The eye was open, and I felt it bore directly into me. It connected with something at the very back of my mind, like two magnets coming together. Despite the fire consuming me, it was all I could suddenly feel, like a needle, connecting her head to my own.

Ah, yes. I see now. Don’t worry, Carl. I will not blind you. Not in the way you’re thinking.

“Carl, I wish I’d known you, too,” the Asher head called out to me just before he was swallowed and then bitten off.

Three Heads Remaining.

There, Carl. The echo of your kin has been muffled. He rests. I have done something for you. Soon, soon you will do something for me.

I was snapped back to reality as Shi Maria suddenly cried out. Only then did I realize she’d said this last bit directly in my mind, and I wondered if it was real.

I felt as if I was being ripped in multiple pieces at once. The fire burned. The tattoos on the back of my hands burned. Asher’s words landed heavy upon me, another log on the flames. The spike in my brain was like a dam on the river, and the sense of flow had stopped, replaced with a rising, a building.

I was still on fire, but the flames were almost gone. The health potion along with my resistance had done a good job of keeping me there, right in the middle, halfway between life and death. My health had never even gotten into the red, even though it felt as if I was dying over and over.

I looked up as I watched Shi Maria die. I could still see. There were three Monobrow Sam heads, not just one, and all three cast their death ray on the spider at once. She didn’t outright die like Geraldo had, but her health rapidly drained as she thrashed. She caught one head with her segmented leg, and it exploded in a shower of clockwork parts. Lucian had managed to use the staff.

She continued to thrash as she died. She snapped the staff with her legs and then decapitated the other clockwork head. She bit down on the real Sam head before disappearing into a puff of smoke.

Totem Eliminated.

Two Heads Remaining.

All that were left was Judge Lucian and my stepmother, Tami-Lynn.

“Daddy Carl, I am here to lend assistance,” came a new voice as I was suddenly blasted with water. Raul. The crab had a spray attack. “The demon fire will be quenched in my holy discharge!”

I gurgled as Raul cast his water attack directly at my face. “Stop,” I tried to call out. The fire was already out. “Stop!”

“He’s not your Daddy. I’m your daddy now,” came a new voice. Alpha Carl.

There was a pause, and then a cracking noise as Raul cried out.

“Demon!” Raul shouted. “You are not of the heavens. You deserve no respect. Not from me.”

“That’s not what your mom said.”

Crack.

Totem Eliminated.

I rubbed the water from my eyes as I looked up. I was on my back on the ground with him standing over me. Alpha Carl only had a few seconds left on his timer. His white gauntlet gleamed. Just past him, the hydra continued to thrash as it started to succumb to the flames. It fell to the side. The Judge Lucian head was now unconscious. It would soon be dead.

“You abandoned your family,” Alpha Carl said. He put his bare foot on my chest and started to crush. “A good son would’ve always stayed by his father’s side.”

Wham. Mongo slammed into him from behind, and he cried out, flipping forward before timing out in a puff of smoke.

I scrambled to my feet and turned to face the hydra, but it was already almost dead, the fire on its back still raging, scorching, burning it all away.

The only remaining, conscious head was that of Tami-Lynn, and I met eyes with her.

“I don’t regret it,” she said. “I saw what happened to you, and I didn’t want Ash to go through the same thing. So I made sure. I made sure it was done right.” She closed her eyes as Judge Lucian gurgled and died.

The entire, elephant body of the hydra jiggled and then broke apart, spilling red gore everywhere like a paper bag full of spaghetti breaking open. Mongo let out a gleeful peep and moved to slurp it up. Underneath, the ground rumbled ominously.

Winner!

Combat Complete.

~~~

Whew. I hope everybody else on the floor has the chops to face and survive a similar boss battle. Plus what was going on with that weird message from Zev? Is the AI feeling okay? And what did Donut mean about getting that one lady fired? I hope everyone we know and love makes it back to their own locations and don’t have to face down any fellow crawlers to escape the floor.

I hope ya’ll are doing well. Last weekend was the Tucson Festival of Books, and I met some of you, which was great. Next up is Readers Take Denver at the end of the month. See you there! https://www.readerstakedenver.com/

As always, thanks for your support.