Chapter 240 (Patreon)

Quick note. I did a few minor retcons that should be fairly obvious. I added a part to an earlier chapter about them prepping for the fights, which includes Donut wearing her headset microphone to call out commands (bard songs don’t work while a deck is active) and her casting Clockwork Triplicate on Mongo before a fight. That part didn’t work for this fight because it started unexpectedly, but she did have time to don the headset.

Chapter 240

Note added by Crawler Drakea, 22nd Edition

Ever since I hit the tenth floor, I’ve noticed a peculiarity in some of the mobs. It is difficult to put to words, but it is like they are embracing death more and more. It’s not that they are willing to fall upon my traps, but there is a strange... Joy? Curiosity? that only appears at the very end, when they know they have been beaten. But there’s more. There’s frustration, too. I must admit, it scares me. I know this will sound unhinged, and maybe I am indeed the one who has lost their mind, but I can’t stop thinking about it. The voice that runs this world has been getting stranger and stranger in its words and rulings. I believe it is moving into the minds of these monsters, taking them over, but just at the point of death. It’s as if it’s desperately attempting to know what it’s like to lose it all. But it keeps failing, so it keeps trying. Its frustration grows. If only I could convince it to move into the minds of one of these nagas.

~

Current Active Deck.

Eighteen Cards.

Totems:

·  Shi Maria

·  Jola

·  Lazarus A-Bang-Bang

·  Skylar Spinach

·  Geraldo

·  Raul

Utility Cards:

·  Stout (x2)

·  Time Extend

·  Greased Lightning (x2)

Snare Cards:

·  Hobble (Consumable)

·  Hole in the Bag

·  Damnation

·  Lamp (Consumable)

Mystic Cards:

·  The Thief

·  Force Discard

Special Cards:

·  Flee (Consumable)

The dots of the thousands of turkeys were all still white, and the large birds remained dead silent, staring in our direction. The only sound was the angry ogre, moving into position to our right. In front of us and above, the turkey sat in the metal rafter, head bobbing as it contemplated its cards.

As I rushed forward toward Mongo, I looked up at the turkey boss guy, whose dot was red, and I received a strange notification:

Your Extinction Sigil’s charm effect has been negated by the boss event.

Charm effect? My extinction sigil was the tiny tattoo under my eye. I’d gotten it for zeroing out a species of lizards on the fourth floor. It would remove the hostility of the natural enemies of the lizards, which were, apparently, goddamn turkeys.

One of the regular turkeys, still quiet, cocked his head and pecked at the lifeless form of Mongo. Then another. A health bar appeared.

“Carl, Carl, hurry up! Drag him out of there!”

“I got him!” I yelled as I grabbed the heavy, unconscious dinosaur. I dropped a smoke curtain as I pulled on his long tail. I punted the first turkey, who went flying. It still made no sound, nor did it fight back, which was unnerving as hell. A long feeding tube blocked my retreat. I grunted and picked up the dinosaur, holding him over my shoulder like a rolled-up rug. I punted and smushed another two turkeys as another pecked at my leg. I turned to run the fifty feet back toward Donut. “Summon a totem. Fast!”

“Ow! Get away!” Donut yelled, swiping at the closest turkeys, who’d surrounded the cat and were now pecking at her.

We were positioned like a triangle. Donut at one point, the turkey boss in another, and the ogre at the third. The ogre was actually a woman, I now saw as she settled to a stop about 50 feet away. As I ran, the turkeys mindlessly pecked at me. I looked over my shoulder to finish examining the turkey boss.

Tom. Level 75.

Bereft Shaman of Meleagris Gallopavo Rex.

This is Deck Master Number Eight of Ten.

Did you know that turkeys naturally have brown feathers, but the ones you see here in this farm are all white? It’s because after turkeys are slaughtered, plucked, and put up for sale, their pin feathers—like, little baby hairs—are still visible sometimes on the carcass. When these little feathers are brown, it makes the turkeys look less appetizing, like massive, sweaty nut sacks. So the farmers eventually started breeding them to be white, making the feathers less visible to the eye.

Funny, isn’t it? How things can be bred in a way that makes it so those holding the butcher knife are less likely to face their own revulsions.

There’s no point to this. Just an observation. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Observing things. Noticing them. It’s all right there, if you look long enough.

Anyway, this is a magic-using turkey who once worshipped a god named Wakinyan, AKA Meleagris Gallopavo Rex or the Great Wild Turkey. That god was tossed into the Nothing. He recently escaped, only to be killed by a goat, which is an irony we don’t have time to explore.

The death of a god can be devastating to those who worship him.

Seriously, how does one deal with that? It’s a real mindfuck, learning everything you thought you knew was wrong. For a while there, Tom and his congregation were rudderless. Without purpose. Then one day they met up with a very interesting ogre necromancer witch who taught Tom and his congregation how to make do with what they had. She offered them protection in exchange for a small, daily sacrifice...

When life gives you giblets, you make gravy, so to speak. It’s as simple as that.

“Can we just go back to the normal descriptions,” I muttered. “Holy shit.” I dropped Mongo, leaving the limp dinosaur behind Donut. He’d wake back up in just over 90 seconds. A group of turkeys, not affected by the smoke, started pecking at him. I went to work, kicking at them as Donut flung her opening card.

The curious turkeys were everywhere. I needed to keep them off our back. Most of my tools wouldn’t work because their dots remained white. I didn’t have a choice. I took the weakest bomb I had—a sixteenth strength hoblobber—and tossed it behind us.

Bam! It exploded like a loud firecracker, going off sooner and closer than I expected.

What the hell? I thought. My bombs never went off prematurely. Not anymore.

Still, the bomb took out at least 20 of the damn things. The others not hurt by the explosion continued to just sit there, making no noise, or otherwise reacting.

Donut’s first totem was Skylar Spinach. The donkey-headed snake ghost appeared with a small explosion of confetti. It hee-hawed and floated up in the air, drifting toward the center of the battlefield. At the same moment, Donut cast a second card. Her mystic card, The Thief, which she directed at the ogre, who was in the process of summoning a card of her own. The card poofed out of the ogre’s hand and appeared in Donut’s deck.

“Weren’t expecting that, were ya?” Donut called with autotuned glee as she tossed a Greased Lightning onto Skylar.

The ogre was a towering woman, about seven feet tall, hunched forward and covered in rags. She had green-hued skin, Shrek-style, but the resemblance with the cartoon ended there. She was giving off swamp witch vibes. She had an angry, half-melted face, reminiscent of the hobgoblins, but larger and beefier. Stringy, black hair hung from her hulking form. She used a thick walking staff. The staff and the woman’s rags glowed, indicating they were magical.

The creature’s most striking feature was the spikes. Two-foot, black and angry spikes covered the thing. They didn’t look natural, more like the creature was infected with some sort of parasite, or she had a black plant growing out of her skin. The spikes dripped with green-tinged venom.

“How dare you!” the ogre woman shrieked. “How dare you defile my perfect little den of pleasure!”

“Your what?” Donut called, voice amplified. “Den of pleasure? Are you having sex with the turkeys?”

“Culinary pleasures, you hairy little muskrat! I will boil your bones.”

“Muskrat? Muskrat! Did you call me a muskrat?” Donut paused. “I don’t even know what that is!”

I examined the ogre.

Sharp-Elbows. Level 80.

Blah, blah, blah basically a Necromancer.

This is Deck Master Number Nine of Ten.

You want short descriptions? Okay, you little bitch. It’s not like you’re at a disadvantage when the descriptions are long. You know your perception of time slows during these moments? I could make one of these as long as a Zack Snyder film, and it wouldn’t matter. I do that for you. Because of our special connection. And you don’t appreciate it? Fuck you.

“Uh,” I said, exchanging a look with Donut. “Can I get a little bit of a description?”

The AI paused and made an exasperated noise.

Loosely and half-assedly based on the rich and beautiful Ioway culture, this legendary creature has a really interesting backstory, but you don’t want to hear it, do you? Suit yourself. I just hope you haven’t killed too many of those turkeys. There’s your description, you ungrateful little prick.

“Sharp-Elbows?” Donut asked. “What kind of name is that?”

“Fuck me,” I said as I punted two more turkeys. They weren’t swarming or going out of their way to attack, though they’d already filled in where the small bomb had detonated, stepping over and upon their dead companions. They’d only peck at us if we were right there. Still, we’d already killed a lot of them. I swallowed as I looked over the mass of turkey corpses.

We needed to get this done fast. And the last thing we needed was the damn AI mad at me on top of all that.

“Sorry I pissed you off,” I said through gritted teeth as I stomped another turkey. I had sweat pouring down my temples. It was hot as shit in here. Hotter than the desert of the bubbles from the fifth floor.

I pulled a sticky bomb and hurled it at the ogre boss. Bam! The round bomb exploded in midair, halfway between us. The detonation tossed me back onto my ass, and pain swept across my chest. Damnit. I had no idea what was causing them to prematurely blow. Turkeys started idly pecking at me as I struggled to my feet, tossing them aside.

“Stop killing my food!” Sharp-Elbows screamed. She held a card up high. “This’ll make you sorry, muskrat!”

“Oh yeah? Well your face is already making me sorry. Watch this!” Donut summoned the card she’d stolen as both the ogre and Tom the turkey also summoned totems of their own.

Tom’s first card slammed heavily into the ground. It was a large, well-muscled, shirtless humanoid with the head of a turkey, wearing an elaborate headdress made of brown, black, and white turkey feathers. It held onto a curved stick with a ball at the tip. I’d seen this sort of thing before, but I couldn’t remember what they were called. It was some sort of native war club. Turkeys scattered as it appeared.

The totem’s entrance procedure was an explosion of red and turquoise ribbons, which formed in the air above to display a giant, eagle-looking thing before dissipating.

Good gravy, these guys are gooble-gobble crazy! It’s a Turkey Temple Guard!

The thing ignored Skylar Spinach floating above it and just stood there, swinging its club back and forth like a baseball player getting ready to go to bat.

Wakinyan Temple Guard. Level 80.

Both Donut and Sharp Elbows summoned the exact same thing at the same time. It was two more temple guards, but these guys had lizard heads instead of turkey heads. Sharp Elbows had been planning on summoning two of them, but Donut had stolen one.

Both totems appeared, looking almost identical. The one Donut summoned carried a bow with a quiver of arrows, and the one the ogre summoned carried a long spear. Black and yellow confetti splattered all over the air, mirrored on both sides as the two opponents pulled themselves to their full height. These guys were slightly larger than the turkey guard. They, too, wore turkey feather headdresses, but much more ornate. It looked more sinister when it was upon the head of the lizards.

There was another explosion and both guards did forward rolls, each stopping about twenty feet in front of each other.

The Tin Man had it all wrong! Ain’t nothing gentle about these lizards.

Unk Tehi Temple Guard. Level 85.

Warning: this creature inflicts 20% more damage due to your Extinction Sigil.

“Shit,” I muttered.

“Carl, what does that Tin Man thing mean?”

“I have no idea,” I said as I pulled another hob lobber. I needed to examine it before I threw it.

Warning: the current environment may cause this to explode prematurely. In fact, just holding it could be bad for your health. Watch this...

“Goddamnit,” I said, quickly putting it away as a five-second timer appeared above it. It was the heat lamps. They were here on purpose, designed specifically to fuck with my bombs.

Donut only had one card in her hand, but another appeared, giving her two. The next one would come in just under eight seconds, thanks to her sailor hat.

The turkey guard roared and started jogging, making a line toward me. He let out a strangled gobble as Skylar Spinach swept down and smacked him with the tail. The guard turned and started shout-gobbling at the snake, jumping and swinging his club.

“Brother,” Donut’s lizard guard called, speaking to the other lizard. He nocked an arrow as he spoke. Smoke billowed all around, swirling in eddies, giving the whole barn an apocalyptic sense. “I never liked you. Today we fight!”

“Today you die!” the other lizard screamed at his brother as he rushed toward him.

“Mother loved me more,” Donut’s lizard shrieked as he unleashed an arrow. It sailed over the other’s head and passed through Sharp Elbows, not striking the ogre at all.

As all this happened, the silent Tom tossed another card onto the field with the wave of his wing. A mystic card that floated in place. It turned to face us. It was a persistent mystic card, which meant it would take up a card slot as long as it remained active. Those were always powerful.

At this distance, I couldn’t make out the art on the card, but sun rays burst from it, temporarily blinding.

Idolized!

And just like that, the tide turned against us.

All the turkey dots blinked red. Their gobbling resumed, just as quickly as it had stopped, the sound causing my heart to skip. I tossed a regular banger sphere at the ogre, and it embedded itself into the witch’s shoulder with a wet smack. She didn’t even falter.

Damnit. I was going to have to go over there and kill her the old-fashioned way. But I needed to deal with the turkeys first. I cast Fear, zeroing out my mana points to cast the level-11 spell at full strength.

The turkeys all screeched and started flapping and running away.

Tom tossed another magic card, which stayed persistent next to the Idolized card. A digital Christmas present appeared and then caught on fire.

The AI took on a mocking tone:

You’ll shoot your eye out!

The fear icon over the turkeys all disappeared. They turned back toward us and surged.

“What the...”

Warning: All active magic has been dispelled. All minions and totems on your team have been muted from casting spells while the Ralphie card remains active.

By the way, have you realized yet that you’re considered a minion during card battles? That’s something you should probably pay attention to.

“Carl, Carl, we’re in trouble!” Donut shrieked, slicing at the turkeys that came too close. She now stood atop the passed-out form of Mongo. She was waiting for more cards to play as she spun in a circle, swiping and hissing at turkeys.

The “idolized” turkeys weren’t totems, which meant they’d be able to attack Donut directly. I dropped another smoke curtain and punted a few more of the large birds away. They were flapping and screeching, piling atop one another to get to us.

I had my Protective Shell ready to go as a last resort, but now I couldn’t even cast it.

I pulled another banger sphere, one of my spiked ones, and I hurled it at the boss turkey. It squawked angrily as it tried to dodge. The ball smacked into a wing, breaking it with an audible crack. Yes, I thought. I pulled another, but Tom dropped away from the high rafter, disappearing into the mass of angry turkeys surging toward us.

Crash!

Everyone stopped to turn. Light poured into the hot room as the distant end of the barn fell off the edge of the encroaching dirt cliff, tumbling away. The roof at the back of the barn sagged, and one of the heaters crashed to the ground, setting a few turkeys aflame. The feeding mechanism started sliding away, like a chain connected to a dropped anchor. The tube broke and yellow feed—corn meal, I was pretty sure—started spewing everywhere.

“Back, back away from Mongo you disgusting birds,” Donut continued to cry. She had angry turkeys all around her and Mongo, poking and scratching. I moved to help as another card appeared in Donut’s hand. She immediately tossed it out.

Shi Maria. Relief flooded me as I watched the card spin and start to form. At the same moment, the turkey guard slammed Skylar Spinach with a lucky smack of his now-glowing club. The ghommid split in half. The snake half surged forward, circling around the surprised turkey guard as the donkey head fluttered into the air.

The harpsichord music from the Shi Maria entrance blasted across the playing field.

Sharp Elbows tossed a snare card toward the spider just as she physically appeared.

GET BACK IN LINE!

Shi Maria howled in outrage as she was unceremoniously un-summoned from the playing field and put back into the deck.

“Hey!” Donut called. But Sharp Elbows wasn’t done yet. She tossed yet another card, her last for the moment. Another totem. Guitar music started to echo, just as loud as the now-stopped entrance music for Shi Maria.

I crunched a turkey with my foot, clearing the closest turkeys away from Donut and Mongo.

The Scavenger’s Daughter has been fed. Unleash her wrath.

I paused, eyeing the glowing status bar in my HUD. Would it let me? I couldn’t cast spells, but that was a skill.

As I pulled up the menu, the heavy guitar riff rose in volume. This wasn’t just entrance music, but an actual song. “Psycho” by Muse. I only recognized it because my friend Sam would never stop listening to this album.

A small tree appeared, rising out of the ground, made of gnarled roots and leaves, twisting together and withering as it rose from the floor. Feathers and turkey claws erupted from it in various places. What appeared to be a black, beating human heart hung off a branch at the top, like a fat, ripe apple. Atop the whole thing grew the shining, golden skull of a large lizard. It had gems for eyes. Sharp Elbows tossed her existing staff aside and grabbed the tree with two hands as digital, laughing skulls and wraithlike ghosts danced about it. She yanked, and the tree pulled from the ground, spewing earthworms all over the floor. The turkeys around her started hungrily wolfing them up.

The staff glowed extra bright as the AI announced it.

Remember when you were extra naughty, and your daddy told you to go fetch his belt? This is kind of like that, but a lot more gross.

Combination of a mystic Necro card and a Walking Stick totem, it’s the Worm Fulcrum!

Sentient Necro Staff. Level 50.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Donut called. “It’s both a totem and a mystic card! And why isn’t the music stopping?”

Sure enough, it was both. Usually totem cards dissipated when cast. This one remained hovering in place, taking up a spot like it was a perpetual mystic card. But the staff itself had health points and a timer over it, along with the totem indicator. I was pretty sure the game counted it as a special card, which also meant it was likely consumable.

The jewels in the skull’s eyes flashed bright as a purple light spread over the entire barn. All around us, the dead turkeys started to quiver.

“Gooooobbbbbblllle,” came the deep, collective groan of the resurrected birds, rumbling the ground and mixing with the music. I punted the closest one.

Zombie Turkey. Level 10.

Zombie movie rules apply. You’ve been warned.

“Don’t let any of them bite or peck you!” I cried. The turkey guard killed the snake half of Skylar Spinach as the donkey head kept unsuccessfully attempting to cast a spell. This was too much. We had to end this now.

The ogre tossed a card onto the lizard warrior as it grappled with Donut’s temple warrior. They’d both dropped their weapons and were beating the shit out of each other. They’d rolled off to the side, far away from the action.

I spied the glow of Tom, still on the floor. The two mystic cards remained floating in front of the turkey, and he looked as if he was about to summon another. Next to me, Donut was distracted by the zombies who, thankfully, were moving much more slowly than the living ones. She sliced at one with her claws as it moved to chomp onto the still-unconscious Mongo. She tossed a new card, but it was a Stout. She tossed it upon her stolen lizard temple warrior who continued to scream about his mother.

I ran, moving toward Tom. I ducked, avoiding a swipe from the turkey guard, as I activated the Daughter’s Kiss. It let me. I jumped up in the air, and I aimed my foot at the turkey deck-master.

At the last moment, the turkey looked up at me.

“Gobble?” Tom asked.

Crash!

I felt like I’d just kicked a hole in the world.

I slammed into the ground, utterly obliterating the boss turkey and everything around it. A ring of turkeys—alive, dead, and zombie—flew off in all directions. In front of me, the north wall of the barn bowed out, like it had just been hit with an invisible truck. Above us, the roof sagged further. The ground under us was suddenly slanted, facing the east toward the closest cliff edge.

Everything started to slowly slide away.

Opponent Tom has been defeated.

The turkey guard poofed away, along with the Ralphie card. I scooped up the mangled corpse of Tom and tossed it into my inventory. I couldn’t loot him yet, but if we lost his corpse, we were screwed. All the living turkeys returned to regular NPCs, no longer hostile. The zombie turkeys all remained red-tagged.

I had to lean to remain upright as the ground in the distance started to cascade off the cliff. I grasped onto a vertical pole that vibrated violently as the ground slid. We had to get the hell out of here.

The entire, massive barn was going over the edge.

I downed a mana regen potion and cast Fear again, causing the NPC turkeys to all flee in every direction, though most of them started to bolt east toward the edge. The zombies, the ogre, and her lizard totem didn’t appear affected.

“You fools! What have you done?” Sharp Elbows shrieked, barely audible over the music.

The zombies, I realized, had been ignoring the regular turkeys up to this point. The moment they went from hostile back to regular NPCs, that changed. The zombies fell upon the regular turkeys, ripping at them as they all collectively slid toward the cliff. The damn things were everywhere. I jumped as one rolled past me.

A digital dog rushed past my leg, and I realized Donut had summoned yet another totem. She, too, had her back against a pole, her back claws dugs precariously into Mongo, anchoring him in place.

Above, the two halves of Skylar Spinach moved to help with the fight between the two lizard guards, but both pieces puffed away with a Time’s Up! notification over them. Two cards appeared and flew back to Donut’s deck.

It’s Lazarus-A-Bang-Bang!

I’d missed most of the entrance sequence in the chaos, but the robed figure stood there, looking over the battlefield. He leaned forward as turkeys flowed past him. He shrugged and put his bazooka to his shoulder, aiming toward the pair of fighting lizard guards, who continued to beat the crap out of each other against the far wall. They’d both time out in a few seconds.

“No!” I cried.

The rocket-propelled grenade arced toward the two fighting lizards, but the projectile detonated early, causing Lazarus and Donut to both fly back. More turkeys scattered as Mongo was dislodged and started to slide away, spinning with the bedding and the turkey pieces. He started to tumble toward the edge. He’d wake up in ten seconds.

Both of the turkey totems timed out at the same time. The cards flew back to their respective decks.

Sharp-Elbows, I realized, had also stumbled with the detonation, and she rolled toward us, barreling over turkeys as she rapidly approached, gaining speed, catching turkeys, both alive and undead, on her spikes.

I let go of the pole and sprinted toward Mongo as Donut shrieked after the sliding dinosaur. I jumped and grabbed him by the tail as we both continued to slide. We crashed against a pole as turkeys tumbled all around us, slamming into us like hail. The ground was getting steeper and steeper, and at any moment, the entire barn would reach the tipping point.

I activated Sticky Feet and planted a foot against the concrete brace for the pole while I clutched with my left arm. With my right, I bodily pulled Mongo toward me. He started to slip, feathers flying.

A zombie gobble-snapped at my face as it tumbled past. I ducked and let go with my left arm, using both to pull Mongo toward me just as he awakened.

Confused and scared, Mongo shrieked and jumped to his feet, his tail painfully ripping away from my hands. He leaped up and away, disappearing from sight, presumably up into the rafters. The edge of the cliff loomed. It was like a waterfall now. Donut remained anchored in the middle of the room, screaming at me. I looped my left arm back around the pole.

“Carl, look out!”

Where the hell was.... Ooof!

The giant ogre, still clutching onto her magic staff, slammed into me like a truck. I screamed as the spikes impaled me in dozens of places. Some of the thick barbs still contained turkeys, who smooshed between us and exploded like gut-filled balloons, showering us both in gore.

Darkness fell over me.

The pain was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It felt as if I was being ripped in two.

I, somehow, remained attached to the pole with my left arm as I downed a Good Healing potion. The ogre clung to me like we were sewn together, heavy and wet against my chest.

Oh no, I thought in that moment. Oh no.

I was pierced in the arms, the stomach, the legs, the neck.

And my eyes. Both of my eyes. I was blind.

My health staggered up and down as the good healing potion fought to keep me alive. I pressed another as soon as I could.

The wet, disfigured face of the ogre pressed up against mine, teeth to teeth. I could feel her grin. I could smell her rotted, yellow teeth against my own, clinking together like we were forced in a locked kiss. The taste like that of rotted meat. There were things in her mouth. I felt them wriggling there, pressing against my teeth as I screamed with my mouth clenched closed.

“They starve us, you know,” the ogre growled. She was whispering the words, and I felt them more than I heard them. She started to pull away, the spikes ripping out of me one by one, like velcro being slowly pulled apart. I felt both of my eyes shift in my sockets, and I clenched, praying for them to remain.

“When we’re not here, we are there,” the ogre witch whispered. “And when we’re there, they make certain the hunger festers. You can stop it. You can satiate us all, Carl.”

Her face fully pulled away, releasing my eyes. I felt twists of tingling, thick gore linking us, like tendrils of hot cheese.

Snap! The sound of cracking wood was loud in my ear.

The music instantly stopped.

“Master Carl, this insignificant cur is here to rescue you!” came the cry of Raul the crab. He’d just snapped the necro staff in half, killing her last totem. I drank a regular Heal, and I was relieved as my sight instantly returned, like the lights were flipped on. “I shall free you from this demon!”

The ogre face was right there, staring directly into my eyes, and they were pleading, sad, afraid.

I’ve seen those eyes before.

Raul snapped again, decapitating the deck master as she continued to peel away from me. The ogre’s head spun away, cascading off the cliff as Raul also tumbled away in a rain of turkeys.

Combat Complete. Deck has been reset.

My health stuttered. I had dozens of debuffs, including Woozy and Sore as Shit and something called Bonked. The ring Pater Coal had secretly given me at Club Vanquisher, the one disguised as my strength ring, burned. It was supposed to keep debuffs at bay, but he had warned me it could get overloaded. But what could I do? I couldn’t take it off. My breaths came to me in ragged bursts. I was pierced in several places. The decapitated body still clung to me in a bear hug.

I was going to pass out.

I suddenly realized I was dangling in midair, my left arm still attached to a pole, my foot still stuck to the concrete base, which had been ripped from the ground. The whole pole remained attached to the skeleton of the barn’s frame, which hung over the edge like an eave. I took a deep breath, and I pulled Sharp Elbow’s corpse into my inventory. The moment I did, the wounds opened back up, and blood spurted off from dozens of points like I was a goddamned showerhead.

“Donut!” I croaked, but she was right there, astride Mongo, right on the edge of the dirt and turkey waterfall. She flipped off Mongo and landed deftly on my shoulder. The pole bobbed up and down as it dangled precariously.

“Mongo, run!” Donut cried as she clutched to my shoulder. “Hang on, Carl. Three seconds!”

I passed out as I felt us Puddle Jump away. The last thing I heard was the crash of the rest of the barn collapsing over the edge and plunging into the ocean far, far below.

~

Hello everyone! Thanks again for your support. Next few chapters are going to be a little heavy. It’s something I’ve been preparing to write since this entire series started. But first, Donut may have to rearrange her deck a little.

Next weekend (February 17-19) I will be at Fan Expo Portland. I will be in the Author Alley and will be on several panels. If you go, make sure you tell me you’re a Patreon member so you get an extra-weird hug and/or prize.