Chapters 225, 226 and News about the Dungeon Crawler Carl television series. (Patreon)

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Chapter 225

December 22nd.

Time until Phase Two. 40 hours.

Carl: Whatever you do, don’t tell her about the potion we take that protects us from the insanity debuff. No matter what. Don’t trust her. Ever. In fact, try not to talk to her at all except to give her orders during battle. She’s plotting against us. Also, don’t tell her that Larracos has been flooded. Don’t mention it to Samantha, either because she might say something.

Donut: THE SPIDER LADY IS A CARD NOW. I’M NOT GOING TO TALK TO HER ANYWAY. I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE LET YOU DO THAT.

Carl: She has a plan I don’t see. Our only advantage is that she doesn’t know we’re immune to most of her abilities.

Donut: SAMANTHA ALREADY KNOWS LARRACOS IS FLOODED.

Carl: Yes, she does. But we don’t need to remind her. She doesn’t realize that means the mage who might be able to transfer her to the body is probably dead.

Donut: OH NO. THAT’S REALLY SAD.

Carl: I’m sure we can figure something else out for her. In the meantime, we want Shi Maria on our side long enough to get off this damn floor.

Donut: I DON’T LIKE SPIDERS, CARL. NOT WHEN THEY’RE BIGGER THAN I AM. THEY GIVE MONGO NIGHTMARES.

Out loud, I added, “We need to get back to that one safe room near the Desperado Club. I want to do some practicing with our deck, and Katia and I have a thing we need to do.”

“Ooo, that sounds exciting,” Samantha said. She rolled between me and Mongo as we trudged back north. “I want to do something exciting.”

“I got good news for you, then,” I said. “You’re gonna get to do something really fun. We gotta get you into the Desperado Club first, though.”

“Goodie,” she said. She growled and rolled off, chasing after a frog. She’d floated for a while, but had grown tired and reverted back to rolling. Donut, Mongo, and I were spending the time grinding on monsters. The crabs were gone, off to the coast, and we didn’t see any more bats, but there were bird mobs everywhere, and sometimes they’d just swoop in on us without warning. Thankfully, Donut could see them coming, and she usually managed to knock them out of the air before they got close.

We did manage to come across a strange entity that might’ve been good to flag, but Mongo killed her before we could even examine her properties. Samantha said she smelled something off the path even though there were no marks on the map. This was just past the marshland, so I figured we would humor her. We followed her snuffling form until Mongo suddenly pounced on a pile of dead undergrowth at the base of a kapok tree.

The thing was a hairy woman with backward feet, and she’d been asleep under the pile of foliage. Her dot showed up red in that last moment before she died. Mongo chomped her to death before she fully woke up. Her name was La Ciguapa, and there was an entry about her in the Bahamas book. She had a special ability to lure opponents with charm, and she was hard to kill... except by familiars and pets.

Unfortunately, she was of Legendary rareness, and it was unlikely we’d run across another one. It was a wasted opportunity for the deck, but the good news was that she dropped two cards. An uncommon snare card and a mythic special effect card.

The snare card was called Damnation. It didn’t kill the monster, but it made it so an enemy’s totem card would be discarded once it timed out, whether it was dead or not. That was a good card to use against powerful monsters we might be otherwise unable to kill.

The special effect card was interesting. It was a consumable card called Glow Up. It could be cast on any active card or totem, yours or the enemy’s. It changed the card itself, altering it so it permanently reflected the item’s current state. So if we had a totem with a summoning time of 120 seconds, and we buffed it with a time extend, and then we cast Glow Up on it, the totem would permanently summon for 240 seconds in future battles. We could only use the Glow Up card once, so this was something we’d have to think about. If we used it properly and were smart about how we stacked the buffs on it, we could turn an already-strong card into something practically immortal.

While we grinded our way back north, I managed to fill up and drain my Scavenger Daughter’s patch three more times. I learned a few things along the way.

The power of the Daughter’s Kiss special attack was much more potent if the captured souls in my backpatch were all of the same species. If I killed nothing but Howling Gulls, and the soul essence bar was pure, when I unleashed my melee attack, it was almost twice as powerful than it would be otherwise. Plus, the residual effects of the attack were stronger. Howling Gulls used a scream attack, and when I dispersed the charge, it not only obliterated the monster, it unleashed a scream multiple times more powerful than what the Howling Gulls usually cast. I tried a charged attack on an iguana thing called a Yuanat, and the dog-sized mob turned into literal dust when I punched it, causing a crater ten feet wide.

Other than the monster Mongo killed, nothing was flag worthy. We now had a full deck, but I did want a few backups just in case some of our totems didn’t work out. I suspected our strongest card, Shi Maria, would do what we asked. For now, at least. But I just knew Asojano was going to be an ass, plus Uzi Jesus would probably also be too much to handle. And I had no idea what was going to happen if Geraldo the Monk Seal and Raul the crab were summoned at the same time.

We could actually now use the deck in real combat, and Donut wanted to try it, but I told her to hold off until we got to a simulation room. Even though the environment could hurt us in the simulation room, Uzi Jesus couldn’t shoot us in the head. We needed to get some serious practice in before I’d be comfortable with Donut using the deck.

On top of all of that, Zev was indicating we’d be going on Odette’s show soon. We needed to be ready for that.

It took us almost three times as long to get north as it did for us to travel south, as we stayed on foot and stopped to kill everything we encountered. We didn’t quite make it back it time, so we stopped at a roadside saferoom to listen to the daily update. This was a small, traditional style saferoom with a Bopca, who was a good-natured guy named Pahzi. Donut demanded a crab dish and a bowl of meat for Mongo, while I ordered a pork sandwich.

We settled into a small booth as the show started. We watched a group of crawlers in Tokyo as they ran from a woman wearing a surgical mask and carrying scissors. One crawler turned and hit her with a spell that caused vines to grow from the ground, and the woman ripped through the vines easily. She slashed the throat of the crawler.

I hadn’t heard from Katia in a few hours. We’d been going back and forth on our plan to deal with Astrid, but she’d stopped responding after saying she was going to do some reconnaissance inside the club. I was actually starting to get a little worried.

Carl: Hey, Katia. Are you back yet? We’re at a saferoom, and I wanted to send Samantha out into the guild. I’ll leave the tattoo kit on the counter for you. I hope you’re doing okay.

She didn’t answer. Next to me, Donut was grumbling while she cracked open the crab legs herself. The bopcas used to do it for her, but not anymore. Mongo finished the meat in about two seconds and was now screeching for more. Samantha rolled off and was inspecting a jukebox in the corner of the room.

The screen depicted Osvaldo in a sprawling city. He was doing some crazy parkour shit, bouncing off walls while chasing a monkey thing that was swinging back and forth on electrical lines.

He was wearing the memorial crystal around his neck.

The program then moved to Florin, who’d gotten his hands on a goddamned tank from the Ecuadoran army and had managed to drive it to the bank of some river. He was using the big gun to take out a serpent as wide as a school bus. I already knew he’d managed to snag this monster as a card, but I hadn’t realized he’d done it that way, nor had I realized how big the thing was.

I sent a note to Bautista, asking if he knew where Katia was.

Bautista: She’s okay. She’s asleep. She found some secret merchant in the Desperado Club, and she’s out of sorts. But she’ll be okay in a bit.

That... that didn’t seem right. A new wave of worry hit me.

Carl: Out of sorts? What does that mean? Does she need healing?

Bautista: No. She’ll be fine. But I think you’ll have to wait a day for your operation. She’s not going to be ready.

Carl: We can’t wait. We don’t know if we’ll have access to the Desperado Club after the switch. Are you sure she’s okay? She’s in your personal space? I’m going to come over.

Bautista: No. We’re still in the Desperado.

Carl: She’s asleep inside the Desperado Club? Do you need help? We’re still an hour away from a club access, but I know Imani’s team finally found an entrance. I can send her in there.

Bautista: Just leave it, okay? She’ll be fine.

That did not make me feel better. I moved to a new chat and sent a message to Imani. I was in the middle of sending another to Li Na when Cascadia’s daily update interrupted me.

She was back to her regular, chipper self. Or at least, she was pretending. I did catch a hint of tension there.

Hello, Crawlers!

We are just a day away from phase two. Most of you have filled your squad, and that’s great. Some of you have even started to battle each other, which is even more exciting!

We definitely encourage this behavior. Starting tonight, the prices in the mock battle arena are going up. However, if you beat the simulation at challenge level, new arena options will open up.

Here’s what to expect when phase two starts.

When the timer hits 12:01 AM on December 24th, regardless of where you are or what you’re doing, you will be teleported to a room similar to the one you started in on this floor. Here, your squad leader will be given at least two choices on where to go. You will have sixty seconds to make a choice.

Once a location is chosen, you will immediately transfer there.

Every totem in your possession that is not in your active deck will be lost. Other cards will not be lost, so feel free to keep and collect as many of those as you want. If you do not have a full squad, a random totem from your starting area will be chosen for you and automatically added to your deck.

This new area will be another memory simulation. In addition, it will be populated by intelligent mobs who carry decks. If you kill these mobs, you will be able to take their cards. You will be allowed to take any of their totems as well, but if you do so, you must choose an existing totem in your deck to lose. Once phase two starts, you may never have more or less than six totem cards in your possession.

Your map will be marked with a key location that will be approximately ten to fifteen kilometers away. You will have 48 hours to get to that location and retrieve the key. This key can only be used to open the stairwell location that was adjacent to your original starting area. Once the door is opened, only squad members of the keyholder may pass.

“Oh, shit,” I muttered. I could already see where this was going.

At midnight, just as the clock turns to December 26th, phase three begins. All keyholders and their squad will teleport back to a random location within your original area. From there, you may proceed to your starting point and exit to the ninth floor.

If you do not manage to collect a key during phase two, all is not lost. You will be able to transfer to a new location for phase three. Again, you will be given at least two choices.

You will transfer to the doorway of the stairwell location of someone who has collected a key. In other words, you’ll be blocking their path. If you can kill them before they exit, you can take the key to save yourself. And yes, it is possible for multiple keyless squads to transfer to the same location. So the potential of crawler on crawler violence is quite high. Doesn’t that sound just great?

Of course, you can avoid all this if every squad manages to get a key. Good luck with that.

Now get out there and kill, kill, kill.

“Goddamnit,” I said. I took a deep breath.

You will not break me. You will not fucking break me.

“Carl, does that mean we’re going to have to fight people to get out?”

“Maybe,” I said. “If we get a key, there might be squads who didn’t get one blocking our path to the exit. They’re gonna be desperate, and we might have to fight them. They’re gonna use this to set up some pretty awful battles.”

“What if we can’t get the key?” Donut asked.

I put my hand on Donut, and I rubbed the side of her face. “Then we’ll do what we have to.”

She pressed into my hand. “I don’t want to fight other people.”

“I know,” I said. I thought of my backpatch, and of the mysterious bone key benefit. “There might be a way to avoid it, but I really don’t want to use it. But I will if I have to.”

Chapter 226

Imani: She’s okay, but she has a nasty debuff. She found some secret room called a drug den. It’s set up like one of those frozen yogurt places, where you get a bowl, and you self-serve stuff into it and add toppings. It’s really messed up. She made herself something, and it knocked her on her ass. She’s going to be passed out for ten more hours.

Carl: Ten hours? Holy shit, that’s cutting it close. That doesn’t sound like something she’d deliberately do.

Imani: Well, she did it. The description on her debuff says she has a fifty percent chance of adding a bunch of strength when she wakes up, but there’s also a chance she’ll lose intelligence. While she’s passed out, she’s “Bliss Surfing.”  I don’t know for certain what that means, but I think she’s reliving a memory. That’s what the blitz sticks do, too, but I think this is supposed to be more intense. Elle is guarding her right now. Based on Daniel’s reaction, I’m starting to think this isn’t new.

Carl: What do you mean? How do you know?

Imani: He didn’t want to tell me any of this. The way he was making excuses for her... Let’s just say it’s familiar. It was like I was looking into a mirror. I’m going back to the guild to talk to Louis and Britney and see if they know anything.

I had a sinking sensation. She’d found the drug den because I’d told her where it was. She’d asked me about it.

Donut: IF YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY KATIA IS A CRACKHEAD, I WON’T BELIEVE IT.

Imani: Nobody is saying she’s a crackhead, Donut, but I’m afraid she’s going to need some help. This stuff is really addictive.

Donut: EVERY SHOW HAS A SEASON WHERE ONE OF THE CHARACTERS GETS STRUNG OUT ON DRUGS OR ALCOHOL, AND IT’S ALWAYS STUPID BECAUSE IT STRESSES ME OUT. KATIA IS NOT A CLICHÉ. I SIMPLY WON’T ALLOW IT.

Imani: We’ll figure it out.

Carl: My and Katia’s quest is important, but it’s not going to matter if all of us don’t get a key during phase two. So make sure you practice with your decks. Donut and I are about to go practice with ours, and then we’ll get to the Desperado Club and figure out what we’re going to do.

“Carl,” Donut said, looking up at me. “She’ll be okay, right?”

“Katia is the second toughest woman I know,” I said. I scratched Donut’s ear. “Come on. We need to practice.”

~

Entering the Mock Battle Arena.

Warning: You have at least one consumable card in your deck. This card will be lost if used in this arena.

Choose your difficulty.

“Pick the medium one,” I said. “The one equal to our deck.”

“Hey,” Donut said. “They raised the price! It used to be 2,000 gold, and now it’s 2,500!”

“Yeah, they told us they raised the prices.”

“Oh, yeah. They also said we get something if we beat challenge difficulty. Let’s do that instead.”

“Not yet.”

In the chat, there was a lively debate about the best deck size and composition. With six totem cards and an initial hand of four cards, it was important that you pull at least one totem right away, or you’d be vulnerable to attack. Someone suggested that an 18-card deck was the best choice. It meant we had almost an 80% chance to pull a totem in the initial spread, but it still allowed for a decent number of other cards.

I wasn’t a math guy, and I wasn’t even sure if that percentage was correct, but we decided to test it out. Donut and I put our initial deck together, consisting of 18 cards.

We had the six totems: Geraldo the monk seal, Asojano the orisha, Skyler Spinach the ghommid splitter, Uzi Jesus, Raul the crab, and Shi Maria the spider.

The next six were all utility cards: Two Time Extend cards, one strength-increasing Stout card, one mana-increasing Blue Stuff card, a speed increasing Greased Lightning card, and the consumable Combo card. Donut didn’t want to add the combo card because we wouldn’t be using it in practice, but I thought it was best to keep it in the deck to make this as realistic as possible. Also, I suspected the time extend cards would be unnecessary, but we wouldn’t know until we practiced with them.

Then, we had three snare cards. These would be pointless in the simulation because they were only useable against card-carrying opponents. But again, I wanted a realistic deck. One could alter their deck ahead of battle, but sometimes you didn’t know when a fight was going to start, so our ready deck had to include these cards. We had Hobble, which was also consumable. The mana-draining Hole in the Bag, which was not, and our new Damnation card.

We had two mystic cards, which were also useless here. The card-stealing Thief and the Force Discard cards.

And finally, we had a single, consumable Flee card.

Until we got some practice in, I wasn’t certain if this was a good spread or not. We didn’t have very many snare cards, and I suspected those might be better than utility cards, but this is what we went with.

We kept Mongo out of his cage. I planned on rolling Samantha into the guild hall before we entered the simulation, but I changed my mind at the last minute. She was always good for distracting enemies.

Mongo bounced up and down excitedly as Donut scrolled through our environment choices while Samantha rolled in circles around my feet.

“Pick something urban,” I said. “Not the arena. And not something that sounds dangerous. Make sure the environmental factors are all earth standard.”

“I don’t know what that means, Carl.” She gasped. “They have a 1980’s shopping mall! Just like in Stranger Things!”

The world immediately changed so we were, indeed, on the first level of a bustling, multi-level shopping mall. Rows of stores spread out in front of us. My eyes caught a colorful arcade, and next to it was a Kay-Bee toy Store—which was absolutely packed. And then a Walden books. Christmas decorations hung along the long hallway. In the distance, a line of children and bored parents waited for their chance to sit on Santa’s lap, whom I couldn’t see.

We stood next to a brick fountain, which was filled with coins. Donut coughed, and I breathed in the familiar scent of cigarette smoke. Dozens of NPCs appeared in the simulation, walking back and forth as they carried bags. Up on the second level, multiple people hung off the railings, chatting away and laughing. Some people were smoking. Roving bands of teenagers stopped to regard us. A girl whispered to another as they giggled and pointed at my boxers. Samantha rolled up to a group of boys outside the arcade, and bit down on one kid’s shoe and started growling. The boy kicked her like a soccer ball, and she went flying.

Next to us stood an Orange Julius stand, and the girl behind the counter looked at us and said, “If you’re not going to order anything, you gotta move.”

I hadn’t realized that these simulations could include physical, interactive NPCs on the actual playing field. These were the same as most of the patrons inside of the Desperado Club. Not really alive like the regular dungeon NPCs, but they still had physical bodies and would be in the way.

Battle Begins in Ten Seconds. Deck is locked in place.

“Can you turn off the people?” I asked.

“I can, but it’s too late. I already chose it!” Donut said. “I kinda like it.”

A girl with a side ponytail looked down at Donut. “Aren’t you the cutest thing ever? And is that a dinosaur? That’s wicked awesome.”

Mongo screeched joyfully at the girl and waved his arms.

Combat Started.

Donut leaped to my shoulder as the four cards appeared floating in front of her. There was no sign of the monster, though with the mall this packed, I suspected we wouldn’t have to wait long.

I examined the four cards she pulled. Greased Lightning, Stout, Shi Maria, and Uzi Jesus.

“Save the utility cards and play the two totems,” I said. “Summon Jesus, talk to him for a second, then summon Shi Maria.”

Donut looked at me sideways from my shoulder. “You sure you want those two at the same time?”

“Yes,” I said. “That’s why we’re doing this. We need to see how they work together. It’s important they get used to each other.”

In the far distance, someone started to scream.

Donut swiped forward, summoning the Jesus card.

“Body of Christ!” an unseen announcer shouted as translucent, sparkly angels floated in the air.

The ground cracked, and a wooden cross grew up from the hole. Uzi Jesus was nailed to the cross, his gun in his right hand. Mongo squealed with concern as the people around us all started to cry and run away.

“It’s Heyzoos, the Uzi Jesus!” the announcer shouted as the words appeared floating in the air. Heyzoos flexed, and the cross shattered into holographic dust as the barefooted man landed on the tiled floor of the mall, his white robe flapping in a wind that wasn’t there. His long, flowing hair also waved. A golden halo over his head sparkled. A 75-second timer appeared over him and started to count down.

“Holy shit,” I muttered. I’d forgotten about these ridiculous intros.

“Who are you?” Heyzoos asked, looking me and Donut up and down. The guy had a Texan accent for some reason. All around us, people started screaming and running for the exits. The girl behind the Orange Julius counter bolted. In the distance, the wall separating the Santa display fell over as parents and children fled. “What happened to the crocodile guy?”

We’d agreed ahead of time that Donut would do most of the talking. It was important to see if they’d follow her instructions.

“You shot him in the stomach,” Donut said. “So he gave you to us.”

Another card appeared in Donut’s deck, but it was a snare card. She immediately discarded it.

“I was going to heal him,” Heyzoos said defensively. He scratched at his temple with the barrel of his gun. His finger was planted on the trigger. “So, who we sending off to meet dad? Hey, what’re you doing.” He jumped as Samantha started bumping into his legs.

“Whatchu got under that robe, huh?” Samantha asked, rolling around him.

“Samantha, leave him alone,” I called. “Come back here.”

“But I want to see his penis,” she said.

“Samantha, you little shit,” I said. “Come here, or you can’t go adventuring with us again.”

“We don’t know what we’re fighting yet,” Donut said. “Go over there and wait to see what comes out, but first we want you to meet another card.”

She flipped the Shi Maria card, and a laughing, web-covered skull appeared in the air, exploded into a thousand little spiders, and for a moment, the whole area appeared covered in spider webs. Ominous harpsichord music made a dun-dun-Dunnnn sound as the giant spider appeared, standing over Heyzoos, who was cowering at her sudden appearance.

“The Bedlam Bride!” the announcer shrieked.

A 120 second timer appeared over the massive spider, who rose high into the air, her giant legs spreading across the entire hallway, knocking decorative candy canes off the walls. Up on the second level, people screamed and scattered. The spider hiss clicked as the head on her stretchy neck twisted around with confusion.

“Fucking shit!” Heyzoos cried as he started to empty his gun into the belly of the giant spider. A health bar appeared and started to slowly descend as he fired into her. The already screaming, panicked crowd went even more berserk.

Maria recoiled, hissing and clicking. She leaped up to the second level and turned, facing the screaming man.

“Stop!” Donut yelled.

One of Shi Maria’s legs shot forward and skewered Jesus right through the chest. He cried out but kept firing. His gun didn’t appear to run out of ammunition. She lifted the screaming form up in the air, and with another leg, swatted the Uzi out of his hand. It went flying.

“We are on the same team,” Maria hissed at Jesus. Her health was halfway down. Heyzoos’s health was also in the red and dropping rapidly.

Shi Maria looked at Donut. “Do you have a heal totem card?”

“Uh,” Donut said. “No?”

“We have one,” I said, but it’s not in the deck. “He’s our healer.”

“You should kill him,” Samantha called up to Shi Maria. “He hurt your tum-tum!”

Another card appeared in Donut’s hand. The combo card. She discarded it.

“Heal me,” Shi Maria demanded of Heyzoos.

He groaned in pain. He raised his hand as if to cast something, but then he dissipated into dust.

Totem Killed.

At the far end of the mall, a figure appeared, floating up from the ground, then another. And another.

They were reindeer. Goddamned reindeer. There were eight of them, floating in a perfect V formation,  and even at this distance, I could see they were covered in gore. Each had a strange, triangular dot over their heads. Entrails hung from the antlers of one of them, and to my horror, there was a small man still attached to the end of the stream of guts. A man dressed like an elf. He screamed before plummeting back to the ground. The trail of intestines remained attached to the antlers.

I was expecting Santa to appear next, and he did, but not in the way I anticipated.

A ninth reindeer appeared, rising in front of the others. The decapitated head of Santa—or the poor guy working at the mall pretending to be Santa—hung from the creature’s mouth. It spit, and the head dropped away.

The reindeer roared, lion-like. And then, its nose started to glow.

Its entire body glowed yellow, meaning it was currently invulnerable.

“What the hell,” I said.

This one also had a symbol over its head, but it was a triangle in a circle. I was pretty sure I knew what those symbols meant. We hadn’t seen this type of monster yet.

Rude-Dolph the Blood-Nosed Slay-Deer. Level 100.

Eastern United States Legendary Creature.

Warning: This is a Puppet-Master. This creature is intangible until all the puppets have been killed.

Eight of Eight Puppets still live.

Nobody is laughing at him anymore.

All nine reindeer started galloping through the air at us.

We had to kill the other eight reindeer before we could even touch Rude-Dolph.

“Carl, Carl, do you see that?” Donut shouted. “It’s a cheap knockoff of Rudolph! He ate Santa!”

Another card popped into Donut’s hand. It was Skylar Spinach, the ghommid splitter. Donut immediately whipped it forward, summoning it. An explosion appeared, followed by wisps of ghostly figures. The donkey-headed snake had a timer of 60 seconds.

“Skylar Spinach!” the announcer shouted.

“What in the name of the gods is that thing?” Samantha demanded.

“That entrance is not nearly as exciting as the others,” Donut muttered just as a laser shot out from the nose of Rude-Dolph. The blade of light made a vroom noise, and it was like a continuous Magic Missile blast. A ceiling support for the mall crumbled. The crackling laser arced through the mall, sheering off a leg from Shi Maria and cutting right through Skylar Spinach. The laser missed Mongo by inches—though it wouldn’t have hurt him anyway in the simulation. It passed harmlessly through Donut.

“Get them!” Donut shouted as Shi Maria hissed and angrily scuttled forward.

“You have to kill the other eight first,” I called.

Skylar Spinach had split in half and was now two creatures. Skylar and Spinach. Skylar was still a donkey head, but it grew a pair of bat wings, and it took to the air, screaming toward the reindeer. The lower half, Spinach the snake, wriggled about like a worm, though spikes protruded from the area of the split. The headless snake reared up, and all the spikes flung out toward the incoming herd, the spikes shooting into the oncoming reindeer and peppering them with foot-long spikes. One of them—Blitzen—exploded into dust.

I looked over at Donut’s hand. She had three cards with another appearing in a few seconds. None were totems.

“Play Greased Lightning on Shi Maria,” I said, and she quickly flipped the card out toward the injured spider, who was now halfway down the mall. The card somersaulted through the air, spinning like a boomerang as it slapped onto the back of the giant spider. A giant lightning graphic appeared with a crack just at the same moment as Shi Maria shimmered and split into four different versions of the same, terrifying spider.

“She just cast an illusion,” I said, awed by the sight. I knew I could—and probably should—be entering this battle, but it was important to see how these guys fought. One of the illusions was suddenly moving much more quickly than before, and she spat a glob of web out of her ass at one of the other reindeer, who slammed to the ground. At the same moment, another roared and attacked, opening their mouth to, I don’t know, attempt to eat the spider. Before it could connect with the massive creature, the reindeer was slammed in the side by Skylar, the bat-winged donkey head.

Yet another reindeer cast a spell, and the illusions all dissipated.

Rude-Dolph floated above all of this, and he appeared to be charging up another attack.

Shi Maria moved so quickly, she was a blur. One of the reindeer—Comet, I think—fired a white ball of magic at her, and it missed her by a wide margin. Suddenly, half of the remaining puppets turned on one another. Just like that, with no warning. One of them screamed and gored one of his fellow reindeer. He was frothing at the mouth, like he’d been hit by that enraged debuff and Donut’s Why Are You Hitting Yourself spell at the same time.

I felt a sudden, strange tug in my chest and my brain at the same time. It came out of nowhere. It felt as if all the breath had suddenly been knocked out of me. A wave of dizziness swept over me.

No, I thought. This isn’t right. We’re supposed to be safe in here.

Shi Maria had opened her third eye. It shone like a never-ending jewel atop the center of her head. I couldn’t tell the color. It was like black and white and yellow and red all at once. Even at this distance, I could feel it, calling to me, like there was a physical line between that third eye and the center of my brain.

It’s the river, I thought. It’s the river in my mind.

I didn’t know why or how I thought that. The thought didn’t even make sense.

“Carl, Carl, are you okay?” Donut shouted.

I’d gone down to a knee, and I didn’t even realize it. I sucked in air.

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Keep your eyes on the totems.”

The affected deer, having been driven both insane and blind, growled and then turned on each other.

Holy shit, I thought, watching open-mouthed. I pulled myself back to my feet. I looked nervously over at Mongo, who sat next me, bouncing up and down, uncertain if he wanted to enter the fight. Even though he was protected from the spell here in the simulation, I knew how dangerous this would be in a real fight. We needed to make sure Mordecai finished that potion for him as soon as possible.

In seconds, all the puppet reindeer were dead, and the little marker over Rude-Dolph blinked out. The yellow glow vanished. At the same moment, the deer fired another attack from her nose, but Shi Maria deftly scattered out of the way, despite the missing limb, crawling up to the second floor of the mall and then leaping across the way as the entrance to a store called Merry-Go-Round and another called Glamour Shots exploded.

Donut flipped another card out. This was Geraldo the monk seal. He appeared with the same fanfare as before. At the same moment, Shi Maria pounced, flying through the air, using one of her legs to literally rip Rude-Dolph in two. The monster let out a pitiful cry as the two pieces of his body remained floating in the air. His nose sputtered and blinked out.

Geraldo the seal did a flip and made two little karate moves before he stopped dead at the sight of the giant spider, which had lowered itself underneath the ripped-in-two reindeer. The female head on Shi-Maria reached up into the air like a baby bird and started greedily devouring the dripping entrails from the deer’s body, like she was eating spaghetti slowly oozing from the sky.

“Yo, what the fuck?” was all Geraldo said before the Combat Complete notification came, and all the totems disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Next to me, Mongo let out an uncertain screech.

“Carl,” Donut said after a moment. She, too, was staring at the empty spot where the spider had been. “I’m really happy we didn’t have to fight her earlier.”

“Isn’t she great?” Samantha asked.

~

Hey everybody! Thanks so much for reading. Happy Halloween. Be safe out there. I know the floor timeline is a little squiggy, and I’ll have to fix it on the next editing pass.  

I don’t know if y’all saw this, but I just want to leave this out there:

https://deadline.com/2022/10/dungeon-crawler-carl-author-matt-dinniman-wme-1235155412/

So, what does this article mean? (And more importantly, what does it NOT mean?)

WME is William Morris Endeavor. They are the largest talent agency in the world. They are responsible for more than half of all the scripted television series airing today. One of my two agents is a guy named Paul Haas. He represents several well-known actors and writers, including George R. R. Martin.

This has been ongoing for a bit now, but we are attempting to sell a high-concept, high-budget, multi-season television series based on Dungeon Crawler Carl.

Real talk. The odds of this actually happening aren’t great, and nothing is actually sold yet, but the good news is, I’m not working with this team on a whim. Things I can’t talk about have happened and are happening, and frankly it has blown my mind who has shown interest.

That DOES NOT mean an animated series isn’t going to happen, but we figured if we’re going to go for it, we might as well shoot for the stars. I promise to keep you guys updated if anything happens.