Chapter 223 (Patreon)

Hey everyone. A quick, minor retcon to the previous chapter… We learned that Carl and Donut had received a dozen Size-Up potions from Prepotente after Carl read the book to them, and Donut had used the potion on the bats to determine they weren’t worth flagging. (The potions give the stats of a monster) Donut had received the potions using the trading interface.  


Chapter 223

“Okay,” Donut whispered after a minute. She’d taken another Size-Up potion. A pair of memory ghosts, chatting in Spanish, zipped past us. Low music played from several crashed vehicles. “He has a lot of Intelligence. It’s 150. His Dexterity is lower than you’d think for a ninja crab. Only 75. And his strength is only 50, but there’s a star thingy. What’s it called? Oh an asterisks, and it says his claw’s crushing power is three times his strength. He has a couple of spells, including something called Chi Cultivator. I think that’s what he’s casting now. That one says it permanently triples his power if it’s successful, but he has to cast it a bunch of times before it works, and it uses all his mana to cast, so I think he might be out of magic juice.”

I relaxed. If he was really out of mana, this would be much easier. “Magic juice?” I asked.

“That’s what Louis calls mana. I like that term.”

“Does he have any sort of ranged attacks or teleports?”

The crab continued to sit atop the box truck, loudly chanting to himself, voice rising over everything else. “You are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy. Soon, Raul. Soon, you will wash yourself in the celestial light.”

The back of the truck had popped up when the vehicle crashed, revealing the cargo area to be empty. The vehicle had once been a U-haul truck, but there was white paint over the logo. The back was half rolled up, and a rope dangled there. If one pulled the rope, the back would presumably close.

I eyeballed the space underneath the truck, between the bottom of the cargo bed and the street. There needed to be just enough space for me to fit. It was going to be close. I took off my nightgaunt cloak to be safe.

My Phase Through Walls potion only worked for nine seconds. My potion cooldown was low enough now that I could presumably chain them like I used to do with water breathing, but the potion itself had a one-second cooldown, preventing one from using them that way.

“He has a spell called Water Cannon and another called Bris. Like Brisk with no k at the end. A bunch of his spells are meditation ones. Does that mean he has to sit there and chant to cast them? That’d be no good if we’re going to add him to our deck. The Posse isn’t going to like someone who just sits there and mumbles. Oh, and he has a magic protection shell that looks really strong, but it’s also a meditation. It says he has to say the magic phrase to cast it, and it takes ten seconds to cast.”

“We need something like that. We’ll see how it all works once we catch him. You’ll have to mute him fast just in case he can replenish his mana somehow. Move quietly and use chat from here on out.”

I prepared my Phase Through Wall potion. Mordecai had warned us a hundred times about this stuff, that we should only use them in emergencies because the effects could be counterintuitive. And if they snapped off prematurely, you could end up cut in half.

I had ten of the potions now. We kept getting them in boxes. We’d tested one out earlier as we were leaving the graveyard. According to Mordecai, the mechanics of them were much more complicated than it appeared on the surface. They worked on anything that was “a solid and unnatural non-biological with empty space on both sides,” so if we were on the second floor of a building, we’d plummet away and would only stop once we hit the bottom floor. Or another living thing. I wouldn’t pass through the cracked pavement under my feet, but I would pass right through the truck in front of me like it wasn’t there.

We started stalking toward him, skirting around and over smushed cars, but before we could make it too close, he spoke again.

“I sense your aura,” the crab called.

I froze.

“Do you consider yourself sly? Like a razor fox? Your feeble attempts at cunning will not trick me. Oh no. I am of the Sun-Kissed Cloud, you fool! Have you come to test me? To seek fame for yourself? I shall make your bones shatter to dust!”

He did not move from his position. His back was still to us.

I was about to send the go message, but then he added, “No, no. That wasn’t powerful enough. You can do this, Raul. The seals only respect power. You will not kowtow. Confidence. Confidence.”

He hadn’t really sensed us. He was practicing lines. We edged up a few more feet. I eyed the back of the track.

Carl: I don’t know about the rope part. You won’t have leverage.

Donut: I GOT IT. IT’S GONNA BE EASY. I CAN LOOP FOUR OF THOSE WEIGHT THINGS AROUND MY TAIL BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS TO HURT.

Carl: Okay. What about the spell? Can you do it from here?

Donut: I THINK SO. BE CAREFUL. HE SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS A LOT OF NERVOUS ENERGY. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT NERVOUS ENERGY, CARL. CASTING WHEN YOU’RE READY.

Carl: Okay. Get your ass on that rope.

I positioned myself to jump and nodded. Donut cast Hole directly underneath the crab, who yelped and plummeted from the roof of the truck into the cargo hold with a clatter. The combat notification appeared. She snapped off the spell as we rushed up. She cast Mute on the dazed crab as she jumped, mouth first for the rope.

At the same moment, I formed a fist as I rushed up. I downed the Phase Through Wall potion. A nine second timer appeared.

The tailgate of the large truck came almost up to my crotch, but I passed through it and the half-open roll-up door like they weren’t there. I was already swinging. I connected with the surprised crab, and he flew back, crashing into the wall against the truck’s cab, rocking the whole thing.

I ducked a snap, using my phase to jump through the wall and back again. I clobbered the crab once again.

A muffled cry came behind me. It was Donut, dangling mouth-first from the rope. She’d pulled a large, 100lb free weight from her inventory and had it looped through her tail, in an effort to give her more weight, but the door didn’t roll down. She pulled another. Then another. The door was stuck half open. The plan was to keep him trapped in here while I moved in and out with punches.

Raul recovered and snapped a big, red claw right at my head.

I dropped down through the truck’s floor before popping up again and punching the crab right in the center of its floor-facing chest. He let out an oof and rocketed up against the ceiling of the truck before smashing back down. I felt shell crunch under my blow.

Two seconds.

I was still standing on the pavement, with the truck’s floor through my crotch. I dropped a Fear-inducing smoke curtain into the cargo just as the still-dangling Donut cast her health-draining, resistance-lowering Brain Freeze on the crab. He started to whimper and scramble back. His health was only at half.

“No, please,” he said, his voice suddenly frightened. I didn’t hear the rest as I dropped to the pavement and pressed myself against it, waiting out the phase potion.

Carl: Don’t worry about the door! Get out of there!

I felt the bottom of the truck against my back as the potion’s effect snapped off. Thankfully, I didn’t get hurt. I waited one more second, then I pulled a flag and kept it in my left hand as I downed a second phase potion. I jumped up to find the crab in the back corner of the truck, cowering with multiple debuffs over him. Donut had retreated to the roof of another car, and she’d slammed him with a magic missile, keeping him cornered. He hadn’t scuttled out. His health was in the red, but not red enough.

Donut: OTHER CRABS ARE NOTICING.

I strode forward and punched him several times. He didn’t fight back. He just raised his claws in fear as he said, “No, no, no!” I jabbed him with the flag, and I dropped to the ground as the card flew into my hand. I hit the pavement and pressed myself against the ground, breathing heavily just as the potion ran out the second time.

Combat Complete. Deck has been reset.

Carl: Are they coming?

Donut: NO. THE ONES WHO NOTICED GOT BOWLED OVER AND ARE NOW GETTING EATEN BY THE OTHERS. I DON’T THINK THEY REALLY CARE IF WE’RE HERE OR NOT. JUST STAY THERE A MINUTE THEN BACK OUT.

I took a breath. The phase potion had been a bad idea. I should have waited to see if Donut’s rope idea had worked before taking one. I’d been afraid to get trapped inside the truck with the thing. I gave myself a moment for my heart to stop thrashing.

I rolled out from under the truck, wiped myself off, and, keeping low, I moved to the back of the truck. I reached up to grab the rope. It pulled easily and with no effort. The back of the van closed and locked with a snick. I gave Donut a look.

“What?” Donut asked. “I was trying to pull it down with no leverage, and with my teeth. You’re lucky you didn’t get snipped in half. That was obviously a thumb-oriented task, Carl. You should never have let me agree to it.”

“Yeah,” I said, deciding to drop it. I looked doubtfully down at the common card. Raul had potential, but he’d been really skittish and had panicked the moment the fight started. I wasn’t certain if that was the Fear spell or not. We’d have to spend some time with him in the training arena to see if he was worth it.

“What do we do now?” Donut asked, peering around the back of the truck at the exodus of crabs. I handed her the card, and it disappeared into her inventory. We only needed one more before we could start fighting with them.

I settled down to the ground, my back to the truck. Behind us, the migration continued unabated, 100 meters away. There’d be no more cars coming from the north, and if there were any cars left coming from the south, they wouldn’t get anywhere near us.

A light rain started to fall. “We’re gonna wait it out,” I said. “Just let me know if any start to move toward us.”

I hesitated, and then I turned off the mute on Samantha and sent her a ping.

Samantha: OMG ARE YOU COMING OR WHAT? WE’RE BORED.

Carl: We?

Samantha: ME AND MY NEW BEST FRIEND, MARIA. SHE’S GOING TO CAST THE SPELL TO GIVE ME MY BODY BACK, AND THEN SHE’S GOING TO GO ADVENTURING WITH US. SHE’S EXCITED TO MEET LOUIS. SHE THINKS HE SOUNDS REALLY TASTY.

~

It took another hour for the crab migration to clear. There had to be tens of thousands of the things. Most of this time I spent in chat with Samantha, getting as much information I could about Shi Maria, the spider we were attempting to rescue her from.

I pulled the Bahamas book, and I compared the information with what was written there. It was pretty much an exact match. On a whim, I sent a message to Prepotente and asked him if he’d come across a similar spider, and he answered with a terse, No.

That made sense since this was considered a “unique” monster. Though Uzi Jesus was also a unique, and we knew of several Jesus variations floating around.

The drawing of the monster in the book was terrifying. It was a colossal, translucent, beige and brown spider speckled with black dots and covered with hair. The illustration helpfully included an image of a dead or paralyzed Bopca caught in her web, giving the sense of scale. The bulbous abdomen was the size of a Volkswagen bug, and her legs were ridiculously long, curving up and down.

But most terrifying was the face. There was no torso and arms, like with that one crawler we’d met on the bubble level. It was just a human-sized head attacked to the body. It was of an older, haggard woman with long, stringy black hair and flaking skin, as if she’d been badly burned. Her lower jawbone hinged all the way downward, giving the impression that she was screaming. A pair of hairy fangs dangled from her mouth, dripping with venom. She did not have human eyes, but four, black, orbs, all in a row, with two huge ones in the center and smaller ones on either side.

“How in the goodness did she swallow Samantha when her head is so small?” Donut asked as I examined the image.

The question gave me an unexpected wave of goosebumps.

Shi Maria, Samantha’s name for her, was listed as one of several alternate names in the book. The primary name was “The Screamer.” I read the short description:

The Screamer.

A former resident of the celestial realm, this demi-god is a formidable opponent. Specializing in trickery, illusion, and mind-bending spell-casting, this female arachnid spends her days in unending torment. Her husband, also a demi-god from a long-forgotten pantheon, is missing. She will do anything to find him again, even if that means she must tear down all of reality to do so.

The problem is, legend has it she killed her husband. That she ate him right up. She was banished for the crime. She insists she is blameless, but sometimes, during her more lucid moments, she’s not so certain of her own innocence.

Beware her lies.

That was followed by a long list of spells, including a level-15 Unending Insanity, which was self-explanatory, and a level-15 Lights Out, which I knew was a blindness spell. Neither of those could be cured without divine intervention. Thankfully, Mordecai had prepared us for this and had brewed us a protection potion. The potion was called Liquid Therapy, and we needed to take it once a day. The protection lasted until you slept.

That single potion would protect us from both spells, along with a host of other fear-based debuffs and afflictions. The ingredients were expensive, but we had Mordecai make several, enough for the entire guild. I’d had to use my two table upgrade coupons for his alchemy table. He hadn’t left the crafting room since.

We’d already taken ours for the day.

Shi Maria had dozens more spells, most of which were illusion or fear-based paralysis. Under skills, she had Spinneret, which was her ability to her shoot spider web out of her ass, and Venomous Bite.

Under weaknesses, it listed Fire and that she was especially vulnerable to Psionic attacks.

We had protections ready her web. We were both immune to her venom. We were as ready as we could be to face her.

“You know,” Donut said as she read over my shoulder. “She really is quite similar to Samantha. She’s looking for her husband just like Samantha. She’s a little crazy. I wonder if she really murdered him. You know how they love to plot twist us with these back stories.”

“It doesn’t matter.” My eyes read that Beware her lies line again. “She’s obviously lying to Samantha about her ability to animate that body I have in my inventory. I don’t see anything in her listed spells that suggests she could do that. We need to be careful with this. If we can keep her under control, she’ll be a great card, but I’m not so sure anymore that’ll be worth it.”

“Samantha’s going to be really upset if she’s lying,” Donut said. “She really wants that body.”

Behind me, the crabs had finally cleared. The rain, which had been nothing but a little trickle, was now starting to come down harder.

“Okay,” I said, pulling myself up. “Let’s find Samantha.” I paused as a new notification appeared.

Quest Update. The Chowder War.

Crawler Sister Ines Quiteria has negotiated an agreement with the Monk Seal Abbot and has warned him of the vile treachery of the crabs. The sneak attack will likely turn into a slaughter without your intervention! What will you do? Will you side with your fellow crawler, or will you turn this into a rumble for the ages?

I exchanged a look with Donut. “At least we know she’s keeping herself busy and isn’t following us. Hopefully that whole quest resolves itself without us.”

Donut scoffed. “Does it ever?”

~

Hey all! I hope you're well. If anyone lives in the Seattle area, my band the Heart-Smashers is opening up for the Horrorpops on Sunday the 16th at El Corazon. I am hand-selling tickets that are cheaper than what you'd find at stubhub. If anyone wants to go, let me know. Use the comments not the messages here in Patreon. Or message me on Twitter or Facebook.

Here's an awesome illustration of the tiny, stick and explode Rot Stickers from book one.