Chapters 192-194 (Patreon)

I'm posting the rest of the chapters, but the files are too big to stick into a single post, so I am going to sticky THIS post. The next post coming up today will be chapters 195-Epilogue.

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Chapter 192

<Note added by Crawler Carl, 25th Edition>

From page four of our planning notes:

There’s a big difference between Donut enchanting someone, like she used to do to the bopcas in the saferooms, and her actually magically charming them like she’s done to Kiwi the velociraptor. They’re two different things. For the first one, Ferdinand will want to do what she says and will fall over himself to please her, but he won’t actually be under her magical control. He can still object, and we wouldn’t be able to get him to attack Queen Imogen or toss himself off a cliff or anything like that.

If we manage to magically charm him, that’s a whole new ballgame. He will not only be Donut’s official minion, he will do what she says almost without question. We can use Clockwork Triplicate on him. He’ll be listed as a minion. We can talk to him via chat. He’ll have automatic saferoom access, etc. We have a way to do that. Mordecai can make a charm animal potion. All we need is a liter of cat blood. Good thing we have a ready source.

Most charm spells are line of sight, including this one. That means it will work even if he’s in the queen’s ballroom, and Donut is on stage. If he’s in the audience, she can down the potion right when she goes on, and he’ll be hers.

They brought him in to fight Donut. We’re going to make them eat that decision.

Once Ferdinand is under control, we can use him for lots of different things. He’ll fight for us. We can use him to attack the queen and distract her if we have to. We can use him to unlock the door to the queen’s chamber from the inside. He probably has some powerful spells.

After we get confirmation that Ferdinand is indeed just a cat, we’ll implement the plan. We’ll have Donut take the potion while she’s on stage at the start of her act.

~ Carl

NOBODY IS STABBING ME, CARL. I DON’T HAVE A LITER OF BLOOD IN ME. I AM VERY PETITE.

Is it still going to work if he’s a higher level than Donut? We’re assuming he’ll be a province boss.

~ Katia.

We’re not stabbing you, Donut. We’re draining blood. But yeah, we’ll have to do it a few times to get enough. Katia, I asked Mordecai the same question, and he says it’ll work as long as Donut’s charisma is high enough. The level is irrelevant. It’s the actual stat numbers that are important. He warns that she’ll have to keep constant tabs on him, though. He’ll be like Kiwi, who tends to go a little crazy when she’s not being watched. He’ll be double charmed at this point and probably in love with her and will put himself in extreme danger to protect her. That’s good to a point. We just don’t need him attacking prematurely and blowing the whole operation. We don’t want Queen Imogen to know he’s been charmed if we want her to leave and fight Signet. It’ll probably be obvious once it happens, so we should wait until Donut hits the stage but just before Imogen leaves to fight Signet.

~ Carl

~

Everything in the room stopped.

An elf’s panicked and surprised voice squeaked, “I present to you, Queen of All That Is and the Queen of All That Will Be, the One and Only True Blood, Immortal-in-Waiting, Chosen Daughter of Apito, Her Majesty on High, Queen Imogen of the High Elves!”

The queen, who’d just suddenly appeared in the middle of the ballroom pointed at her cat. She had a streak of blood down the center of her chest, ruining her glittering, color-changing ballgown. She ignored everyone else. “Ferdinand, get here this instant!”

Holy shit, I thought. She was out there fighting.

Several of the crawlers started murmuring, reacting to the sight of the queen, thinking they’d resurrected a dead crawler.

The cat bounded across the room and jumped to the queen’s shoulder. He landed upon it, but then started to sink through. He yowled and hit the floor.

“Ferdinand,” Queen Imogen growled at her cat. “Pray tell me, where are you?”

“What? I’m hanging with my bird.”

“Get out of that room and get back up here this instant.”

“Well,” Ferdinand said. “That’s a problem, now isn’t it? Now that you’re at the party, I’m locked in here along with the rest of the castle’s staff.”

Her eyes smoldered. She held up her hand as if to backhand the cat, who cringed. She paused, remembering the rules of her own spell.

“Stay out of the way. We will discuss this after.” She looked sharply around the room, focusing on Signet.

“There you are, my long-lost, half-breed sister,” she said, her voice full of venom. “I see you secured a last-minute invitation.”

“Hello, Imogen,” Signet said. She took a threatening step toward the queen. “I did. Apito herself hand delivered it to me.”

Imogen held up a hand, stopping her. “Stay back. The goodwill ballroom does not protect me from your mongrel stink. Even with the anti-water curse, I can still smell it from here. The fish stench. Pitiful. We have nothing to say to one another. Enjoy the party while you can.”

Signet took several more strides toward her sister. Imogen laughed and spread her arms. “What are you going to do? Assault me? You can’t cast magic. Your strikes will not land, so they won’t count. If you truly wish to break the seal, you’ll find yourself in the realm of mumbled screams before you take a second breath. But first you’ll have to attack one of your friends here, and you’ll end up damning them all. Who will it be? Perhaps Carl, your lover? Do you hate me enough to kill him and damn yourself to eternal torture for your revenge?”

Katia: Her stats are 201 down the board except intelligence, which is 300. It says her mana is temporarily unlimited. That can’t be good. She’s immune to poison and curses and has an ability to return magical fire. Nobody hit her with fireballs or magic missiles or magic bolts. Susceptible to blunt-force attacks. Her spell list is several pages long.

Imani: We’re going on stage next. List off the protection spells she has while we get ready.

“Dude, are you banging that Signet chick?” Louis asked.

“No,” I said. “I don’t know why she thinks I...” I let out a strangled yelp as I felt myself get dragged across the room toward Imogen’s open hand. My bare feet skipped across the floor, toes bouncing and skittering. I hit a table, and it went flying. I stopped before the queen. I felt myself get picked up off the floor. It didn’t hurt, so maybe it wasn’t constituted as an attack, but it was damn close.

The queen angrily pointed a finger at me as I floated before her. “My castle is besieged. You’re trying to ruin my spell, Carl.”

“That’s not me,” I gurgled. “The mantises are coming from Vrah and her mother.”

“So those aren’t your changelings swarming my towers right now? That’s not your mongrel lover standing behind me? Those weren’t your friends hiding in the trees just outside?”

Carl: Gideon. Run.

Warning: This crawler is deceased. They have been removed from your address book.

No, I thought, looking back at the blood running down her dress. No, no, no.

“The sink is running,” I said. “We’re not supposed to let it run.”

“What?” Imogen barked.

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself.

You will not break me. You will not fucking break me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said. “Nobody I know is...”

Bam! The entire palace shook. A terrible rumbling filled the chamber. Above, the inverted tree hanging from the ceiling dropped multiple acorns to the floor. They hit the ground like hail, rolling like spilled dice. A moment later, a second explosion came, this one louder.

The queen went fuzzy for a moment, and I dropped from her grip.

Sledge: Guard turrets get good. Twister house blow up. Got both.

Louis: Nooooooo!

Sledge: Surviving is winning, Louis. Everything else is bullshit.

I hit the floor like a sack of dirty laundry. Imogen turned as if to leave the room, but paused and then growled.

She can’t leave, I thought. Now that she’s at the party, she can’t leave unless someone breaks the seal just like the rest of us. That’s why she came now. The castle is being attacked from all corners, but they can’t get in here. She just needs to keep us from breaking the seal.

Imogen turned to the stage where Imani and Elle were slowly setting up a group of chairs. The queen strode forward, picked up a chair from where it had fallen, and placed herself into it.

“Proceed,” she shouted up to the stage.

“So much for being peaceful, right mate?” Florin asked, reaching a scaly hand to pick me up. He wouldn’t take his eyes off Queen Imogen.

“You okay?” I asked. I was still reeling over the loss of Gideon and his team. That had been almost thirty crawlers. They’d stayed back to help sow chaos. I’d asked them to help. They’d died because I’d asked them.

The river screamed.

“I’m okay,” Florin said. “Katia was right. It looks like her, but it ain’t. It’s her twin. I can tell. It’s not really her either. Iffy was worried about what had happened to her. Her sister. It’s not right they’re using her body like that. We gotta do something about it.”

“Working on it,” I growled.

Florin was a lot more fucked up about this than he was letting on. It was obvious, but he was doing his best not to let it show. Good for you, I thought.

Onstage, Imani and Elle were going back and forth about something nonsensical and laughing hysterically. It was actually the first time I’d seen Imani laugh in a very long time. She didn’t yet know about Gideon and his team.

“What are they doing?” I asked.

Florin waved a hand. “It’s some skit they did together at the old folk’s home talent show a while back.”

Carl: Samantha. Are you going to answer me? I know you’re not dead because you can’t die.

Samantha: I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU FOR THREE MORE MINUTES AND SEVEN SECONDS. YOU’RE IN A TIMEOUT. YOU TOLD ME I COULD DO IT, AND YOU DIDN’T TRUST ME. YOU’RE IN A TIMEOUT, AND THEN I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.

Carl: If the guards are already dead, it wasn’t me. We don’t have time for your bullshit. Get in there and pull the two soul crystals. Just the ones on the right side. Then tell me how they died.

Up on stage, Elle and Imani finished up.

You are no longer muted. You may now cast spells.

You are no long peace-bonded. You may now access your inventory.

All around the room, the crawlers looked about. The warning light which would let the guards and Imogen know about the change did not flash. My people spread forth, telling the crawlers to keep their mouths shut.

Samantha: OKAY. I PULLED OUT THE SOUL CRYSTALS BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM.

Carl: Tell me.

Samantha: THE OTHER TWO SOUL CRYSTALS ON THE LEFT SIDE ARE ALREADY PULLED OUT. THEY’RE STILL HERE ON THE FLOOR. THE PERSON WHO KILLED THE GUARDS TOOK THEM OUT AND TURNED OFF THE PROTECTIONS OF BALLROOM B ALREADY.

“Oh, shit,” I muttered.

I looked sharply over at the group of hunters. The vast majority of them were putting a wide amount of space between themselves and that other group, who remained in a semi-circle around Katia and Lucia. Katia was saying something to Vrah, who hissed back at her.

Vrah had a plan. A plan I didn’t know, and that was goddamned terrifying. Someone working for her was inside the castle. Whatever this was, it was going down, and it was going down now. They had to attempt it before Donut hit the stage.

I looked around wildly, trying to see their plan.

SAMANTHA: ALSO, THE SOUL CRYSTAL FOR THE GOODWILL INTERFACE HAS ALREADY BEEN TAKEN AWAY. IT’S STILL WORKING BECAUSE OF THE CAPACITOR LIKE YOU SAID. BUT WHOEVER WAS HERE TRIED IT ANYWAY.

Carl: How did guards die?

Samantha: MANTISES. THEY’RE ALL STILL SITTING AT THEIR CHAIRS, BUT THEIR HEADS ARE SEVERED SITTING ON THEIR BODIES. THERE’S A WHOLE LOT OF BLOOD IN HERE AND A LOT OF OTHER GROSS LIQUID. IT SMELLS LIKE OBIZUTH’S MENSES RAG IN HERE.

I felt cold. Of course. I felt like an idiot for not expecting this the moment we heard about the mantises. The floor shook again.

Carl: Samantha, take those two crystals from the left side and put them back into place. Do it fast, and do it now. Then get ready. Seal the room if you can. She’s going to come for you. It’s Diwata. She’s here.

The enemy’s plan came to me all at once.

Diwata/Circe was in the castle. She’d blended in with the rest of the mantises and had come to assist her daughter.

I had seen that the goodwill ballrooms were protected by a capacitor on Edgar’s map, making it impossible to simply turn them off, which is why it hadn’t been a part of our plan. Circe had wrongly thought she could break the connection between the ballrooms, which would effectively end the party. She then would’ve personally dealt with the queen while her daughter moved in on me, likely rushing up the stairs and storming our ballroom. The castle would be filled with mantis nymphs. There would be no escape for us. It was the best possible outcome for her and her daughter.

But since they couldn’t do it that way, Vrah and her mother had an alternate plan. They were still filling the castle with the nymphs. Diwata/Circe gave the hunters back their magic ability and was waiting for her daughter to get someone to break the seal. With us and Signet in the room, they were gambling Imogen would attack us first, giving Vrah time to escape the ballroom. She’d easily be able to escape in the chaos.

If Samantha shoved the soul crystals back into the slot and effectively blocked the hunters from using their magic and inventory again, it wouldn’t stop them. But it would be all the more difficult for them to prepare for the inevitable breaking of the seal. Or to cause it. It would also lure Diwata back to the third floor and attempt to fix it.

Samantha: OHH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FUN FIGHT. I WILL FUCK HER UP.

I looked about, trying to see the position of all the players in the room.

Eva hovered in the corner by the stage, near the now-locked exit door. She knew something was going down. We were stuck in the room, but we could leave once the seal was broken. She was planning to bolt. She had an escape device. A ring, supposedly. It’d kept her alive until this point.

Lucia, Katia, Bautista, Gwen, and Tran remained at Chaco’s counter. The group of hunters led by Vrah were moving in. I didn’t know what their plan was, but they moved with sudden, terrifying coordination.

This whole thing was like a reverse game of chicken. Nobody could make the first move. We all had to be cautious to the extreme.

Nobody was currently on stage, and the musicians weren’t playing. I heard a distant crash. There was fighting in the castle. In the halls. There was another explosion followed by the sound of something crumbling. I wondered how the changelings were faring in all of this. Signet’s squad had likely entered, too, looking for her.

Carl: Sledge? Are you in?

Sledge: Not yet. Rubble in the way. Trying to get into tower. Bears and gnome hiding in rubble. Mantises everywhere. More by minute. Coming out of tower to fight outside. Elves everywhere still. Elves coming out of woods. Brambles chasing elves, moving faster than usual.

Imani: Most of the crawlers outside are getting forced down the stairs. The brambles weren’t supposed to get this far into the elf territory for hours yet, but I think they’re reacting to the elves trying to beat them back. The elves at the border who were fighting them have retreated to defend the castle, and now the brambles are chasing them.

I felt my heart sink even further. With every minute that passed, our chances at surviving this were slipping further and further away.

Louis: How are we going to get down the stairs now?

Carl: There’s one in the basement of this building. It’ll remain even after the castle is gone.

I didn’t add what we all knew. That stairwell was locked, and it would remain locked until Imogen was dead.

If I hadn’t just learned that Lucia’s head was possibly housing other children, I would’ve been happy to let the hunters use her to break the seal. But we couldn’t let them do that. We needed to keep them from launching their assault. We wanted this on our terms, not theirs.

The problem was, we didn’t have an alternate plan. What else could we do? Just wait and let Imogen win? That wouldn’t work. She’d still attack us after, and she’d possibly be immortal. We’d still have a castle filled with pissed-off mantises all around us, plus the hunters, plus the goddess Diwata.

We were fucked. Everything that could’ve gone wrong, had.

We only had one last hope. If that fell through, one of us would have to force open the protection seal.

It was either that, or go with the nuclear option. Carl’s Doomsday Scenario. Would I be willing to kill all my fellow crawlers just to make certain the hunters also died? Would I be willing to kill Donut, Katia, Imani, Elle, and all the rest of my friends?

Would I?

Up on stage, Li Jun and Na and Zhang were juggling knives in a circle. They did one quick circuit, and then they turned and bowed to the audience and rushed backstage.

“Next act!” Imogen shouted from her chair. She pretended to sit casually, but I saw the tension in her. Her hair had become disrupted and was falling to the left. She looked about the room, eyes meeting mine. “Only two more acts. Then we must dance for five minutes. Carl. You’re dancing with me.”

One of the draconians had a spell suddenly appear in his hand. It was a fulminating, gray ball of something. I had no idea what it was, but he looked like he was about to roll the spell like a bowling ball right at the feet of Lucia and the others.

Carl: Samantha! Put the gems back! Fast!

Samantha: PUT YOUR BOXERS BACK ON. I JUST DID.

The spell whiffed out. The draconian looked at his hand stupidly. Vrah turned her head in my direction, and I gave her a middle finger.

Carl: Good job. She’ll be coming for you now. She’s in the form of a flaming mantis giving birth. She’s immortal, but she won’t have any powers beyond that. I think. Do everything you can to keep her away from the control panel. If you can stop her from giving birth, she’ll go away. I believe in you.

Samantha: YOU DO?

Carl: You can do it.

Samantha: OKAY I GOT THIS.

Across the way, Lucia laughed at the semi-circle of hunters and pushed her way through, coming back to our side. She strolled casually in our direction, holding her half-empty bottle of tequila. Katia and the others pushed through and retreated with her, following her at a safe distance like a group of celebrity handlers.

The second-to-last act appeared on stage. It was the mushroom guy. Horton. He had an acoustic guitar that was missing a string. It was the same guitar that Britney was going to use for the final act.

Sledge: Prudence dead. Died protecting two babies. They’re crying. Hugging Bonnie. Too many mantises. Still fighting.

That was it. Sledge didn’t need to get into the castle, but it took several minutes for him to cast his spell. He needed to be protected when he cast, and we were running out of time. With all the mantises? No way.

We were done.

I suddenly felt very, very tired.

Our only, meager chance of survival was if someone broke the seal at the correct moment.

I looked down at my hands, and then I looked over at Eva.

The others would have a chance. Donut would have a chance.

I opened the chat window.

I closed my eyes for a second, just a second, and I pretended like everything was all right. The world had never ended. My mother and I had never left Texas. I was outside right now, sitting in the shade of a tree I’d planted years before. Everyone here, all my friends, never met each other under these horrific circumstances. Donut was fat and happy, sitting in her cat tree somewhere warm, growling at a cocker spaniel.

I’d never head the water running through the pipes. Or gone down into the basement to investigate the noise. I’d never found the note followed by my mother a minute later.

I let the dream live within me. Just for a second, and I returned to the chat window.

Carl: Donut. Plan A is a go. Repeat. Plan A is a go. Do the whole performance, start to finish. Don’t forget Ferdinand. He’s still sitting front and center.

Donut: REALLY? YAY! HOW ARE WE GOING TO BREAK THE SEAL?

Carl: Just deal with your performance. I have a plan.

Signet was suddenly beside me, her entire form shaking. She paused as if she was carefully thinking of what to say.

“You told me, Carl. You told me, but I didn’t understand. That Empress D’Nadia ... creature said many things to me, Carl. She claims the whole universe has been looking forward to watching this party and seeing what was going to happen. That you’ve been forced to cancel your attack because of Diwata and the peace seal. She tells me the deity is actually under control of that bug thing’s mother, who had to sell half of all her possessions just to get here and try to help her child. She says more people than there are stars in the sky are watching this very conversation unfold right now.”

A strange, oddly satisfying sense of calm washed over me. It was strangely comforting. Like coming into port after a long time at sea, knowing very soon you’d finally be able to rest in a real bed and sleep for a long, peaceful time.

“Welcome to the shitshow, Signet. D’Nadia is correct. Everyone is watching. We weren’t expecting it to have gone down like this. We didn’t know about the anti-violence seal. We weren’t expecting all the mantises. My changelings have made it into the castle, I think, but I don’t even know if they’re okay or not. The mantises are everywhere. My guy with the big spell is in trouble. I keep thinking of things I could’ve done differently. Everything is fucked. Everything has gone wrong, and it’s my fault.”

“If all she says it’s true, how is any of this possibly your fault, Carl? It sounds like you’re dancing at the end of the same strings as the rest of us.”

Samantha: HERE SHE COMES! I LOCKED THE DOOR AND SHE CAN’T GET IN. HA! SUCK IT, BITCH!

I chuckled. “Samantha is down there, about to fight Diwata herself. Right under our feet. I told her that I believed in her. It won’t be long.”

Imani: Carl, what’s happening? You’re not planning on doing what I think you’re going to do, are you?

Carl: I am. Don’t tell Donut because she’ll freak out. Take care of her for me.

Elle: Go fuck yourself, Carl. We need you. We all need you.

Carl: So you’ll let us all die, then? This is our only chance.

Imani: I’ll do it.

Elle: The hell you are.

Carl: Oh, for fuck’s sake. We’re not getting into a pissing match over who the biggest hero is. I already have a plan set in motion. If any of you do something, you’re just going to screw it up. I’m going to kill Eva and break the seal.

Elle: Goddamnit, Carl. Donut is never going to forgive you.

Carl: As long as she’s still alive, I don’t care.

“Tell me, Carl. Why did you bring that poor girl here?” Signet asked.

I grunted. “Which one? There’s a few.”

“Tina.”

Samantha: THAT’S RIGHT, DAUGHTERFUCKER! SHE CAN’T GET IN. THE HALLWAY IS SMALL. HER BABY BUGS ARE GETTING SQUISHED. OOZE IS COMING UNDER THE DOOR. SHE IS A REALLY BAD MOTHER.

I gestured at the stage, where Horton continued to tune his guitar. Imogen was getting impatient.

“Tina? We have a quest involving her. She’s going to dance.”

“Quest?” Signet asked. “What does that mean?”

“It’s not important. We need to give her what she wants. We’re having her finish her dance recital. It combines well with everything else that’s about to happen. ”

“Carl,” Signet said. “That’s not what Tina wants.”

“What?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

Sledge: Mantises everywhere. In front of and behind. We are surrounded. I will protect little ones best I can, but it won’t be long. I am sorry.

Samantha: CARL THE DOOR BROKE OPEN. I DON’T THINK I CAN DO IT.

Carl: Both of you, if you gotta lose. Lose big. Samantha, you have to keep her from turning the magic protection back on. If you don’t, Donut and the others will be in big trouble in a few minutes. Do whatever you can.

Signet lifted her arm and pointed to a small tattoo there against her pale skin. It was a puddle of water. Within it, a little fish stuck its head up out of it and looked at me sadly. “I met Edgar the tortoise the night my mother died. I think I told you this story already. Do you know what the first thing I said to him was? It was, ‘can you bring her back?’ He said no, but he could help me with the memory of her the best he could. She’d been too long dead to do it properly, but he gave this to me that first night. She’s not complete, but I’ve grown to realize that’s okay. What’s left still lives within me. Everyone who lives on the hunting grounds and who knows Tina’s story knows what she wants. It’s not to dance in a recital, Carl. Young Tina wants the same thing I do. She wants what I suspect you do, too. She wants her mother back.”

I felt as if I’d been slapped. How the hell did she know that?

“Her mother is Kiwi,” I said. “The mongoliensis.”

Signet nodded. “Tina’s mind is gone, and she doesn’t realize that other dinosaur has been there the whole time. She already has what she wants, yes. She just needs to see it. I think what you’re planning on doing for her tonight is close, but it’s not quite right.”

“It’s okay,” I said absently. “If we have time, Donut will make sure she’s reunited properly with her mother.”

“This is ‘Wonderwall,’” Horton said, and he started to play the song.

Donut: OMG.

I laughed. I laughed at the absurdity of it all. Here I was, about to get sucked into a literal hell, sitting down at a party, talking to a tattooed, topless fish woman while listening to a mushroom dude named Horton play a poorly-tuned guitar, singing my cat’s favorite song. All while the entire universe watched.

Ka-Blam!

The entire building shook again. This was a big one. Everything not in the room flickered but came back. Tables fell over. The buffet collapsed, spilling food everywhere, scattering hunters. We all stopped and looked around. Horton paused his song.

I looked down at the floor, shocked. The floor tiles under our feet had shattered like windshield glass. Toward the far side of the room with the exit doors, the floor tiles were just gone in several places. Burning, jagged holes remained. A few crawlers stood on the empty spaces, but they didn’t fall through. It was just like the quadrant seals from the previous floor.

A terrible stench filled the room.

The missing floor tiles were replaced with... something else. Turning and mixing and spinning colors pressed against the invisible shield of the floor. It was white gore and green bug parts, I realized. It moved and undulated under us like the innards of a blender trying to mix coconut and cherries and avocado.

The hunters, I realized, were all looking upward while we were looking down. Their attention was focused on the back, left corner of the room, but to me, the ceiling there looked intact. The hunter ballroom was on the second floor, and we were on the fourth. The explosion had occurred between us on the third floor. That had been a soul crystal going off, I realized. It must’ve been a small one. It had blown apart the floor under us and the ceiling above the hunter ballroom, exposing the illusion.

Yet, the goodwill ballrooms still worked.

Samantha: OKAY. THAT WAS MY BAD.

Carl: What the hell happened?

Samantha: I WAS TRYING TO LOSE BIG, LIKE YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I LOST TOO BIG. I HAD TO USE THE SOUL CRYSTALS. THEY BLEW UP. ALL OF THEM. DIWATA IS STILL HERE, BUT SHE’S KNOCKED OUT. I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD DO THAT. THEM BABIES ARE STILL COMING OUT. REALLY FAST, BUT THERE’S NO ROOM FOR THEM, SO IT’S LIKE WE’RE IN A SAUSAGE PRESS. I NEED A CIGARETTE. AND MAYBE A BATH.

Carl: That was more than one crystal? Christ, I’m surprised you didn’t blow up the whole castle!

Samantha: YOU SAID IF SHE STOPPED GIVING BIRTH SHE WOULD GO AWAY, SO I STUCK THE CRYSTALS IN MY MOUTH, AND I WENT UP THERE AND CHOMPED DOWN ON THEM.

Carl: Wait. You went up where?

“Uh, I guess I’m done,” Horton said and went offstage.

“Carl,” Signet said. She stood to her full height and brushed herself off. She had a white acorn in her hand. It’d fallen from the inverted oak tree earlier. Huh, I thought. I guess that tree really is in here.

She popped the acorn in her mouth and crunched down. Magical Fervor appeared over her head.

Her hands gave off an inconspicuous glow. The tattoos all around her started to swirl. “There will be no arguing with me. I know you well enough to know what you’re planning, and it will not work. My idea is better. Just tell me when.”

“Signet, what are you doing?” I asked, alarmed. “Who is your sacrifice?”

“That D’Nadia woman said my mother was never real, Carl. She said all my friends, all my fallen brothers and sisters whose memories adorn my body are not real. That they never were.”

“You don’t need to do this,” I said.

“Your companion, Princess Donut has a very powerful Light spell,” Signet said. “I can do this without her help, but if you could ask her to cast it using moonrays as the source, it will make this much more worthwhile for you and my family. Much more.”

Imani, Elle, and Katia rushed up. They had come in an attempt to talk me out of it, but they stopped at the sight of a glowing Signet.

“Carl, that tentacle-faced buffon of a woman said something else to me,” Signet said. “She told me she was sad that you weren’t going to survive this evening, because she’d been looking forward to meeting you on the battlefield outside of Larracos. I want a favor from you, Carl. I want you to show her exactly how real my family is. I want them all to see.”

In order to cast her Ink Marauder spell, Signet needed three people. Herself to cast the spell, a sacrifice to be the source of the blood, and a third party to kill the sacrifice.

But the spell didn’t have to go that way. There was a method to cast her spell with only a single person. One who was all three.

“Signet? Are you sure?”

“Just tell me when. It’ll happen fast.”

Sledge: Mantises in front were changelings. We are free. Bonnie safe. Cubs safe. For now. Castle very damaged. Real mantises still everywhere. Elves too.

I met the eyes of my friends standing around me. “We’re back in business.”

Carl: Everyone. Get ready. Stage plan A. Escape plan D. I repeat, Escape plan D. If you don’t have a feather fall ability or potion, come to me. Prepotente, come here. Fast. I need you.

Chapter 193

Up on stage, the curtains pulled, and Donut stood there alone. She once again wore the little, fake headset microphone. Ferdinand sat upon the center table in the midst of the three judges with his ridiculous hat, eyes affixed on her, his tail wagging back and forth. I handed a Feather Fall potion out to a crawler.

Donut: I TOOK THE CHARM POTION. IT WORKED!

“Come on, baby! You can do it!” Ferdinand called from the table. He looked over at Empress D’Nadia and said, “That’s my bird up there.”

My interface blinked.

Sir Ferdinand, minion of Princess Donut, has joined the party.

Donut cleared her throat. The stage went dark, and then a spotlight appeared above her, focused narrowly on her tiny form. Her tiara glittered.

“My name is Princess Donut,” she said, her voice amplified, yet small at the same time. She didn’t take out the sheet music. She didn’t need it. “I am singing a song. My mother used to sing this to me. It’s called ‘All Eyes on Me.’”

Backstage, a guitar strummed. It was Britney, who turned out to be a damn virtuoso with the thing. The Popovs had the guitar in their inventory, having found it in a boss room long ago. The song played, a sad, minor strum. It sounded full and lush, despite the missing string.

Donut took a breath and started to sing:

“Good girl, good girl, you’re a good girl, my princess.
“You’re like a root beer float. Oh yes, oh yes.
“I’d take it all back and never let you win. I wouldn’t do it all over again.
“I love you. I love you. I’m sorry, my princess.

“All eyes on me.
“All eyes on me.”

As she sang the nonsensical song, repeating the whole set of lyrics a few times, the exact same goddamn song a drunken Bea used to sing to her, she slowly moved to the right side of the stage.

Her voice soared. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard.

The lyrics didn’t make any damn sense, but she sang them with such sad longing, it felt as if a hand had reached into my chest and wrenched at my heart. The spotlight faded.

“Hot damn,” Elle said. “She’s getting good.”

The spell did exactly what the title implied. Everyone in the room, without even realizing, was now affected by a minor charm. Even the hunters and the crawlers and the damn queen. The charm wasn’t all that useful, honestly, but it was perfect for this occasion. It focused everyone’s attention on a subject of the caster’s choice.

Britney stopped the song, letting the last chord hang. Then, she started playing a new song. It was faster, more intricate, baroque style music.

The spotlight reformed on stage, focusing on Big Tina, who stood at the center. The crowd gasped at the sudden appearance of the giant dinosaur. The spell was now fully cast, and everyone in the room stood or sat in place, transfixed. Despite the horror show of churning bug flesh under our feet and over the heads of the hunters, all eyes were on the stage.

The spotlight had a blue tint to it, washing the room in warm moonlight. The glowing of Signet’s skin tripled in intensity.

With Donut’s insane charisma, everyone had been affected by the spell. Everyone, including Imogen and myself. Only Signet seemed unaffected. She stood next to me, growing brighter by the moment. Nobody noticed the spell being cast.

They kept their eyes on the stage.

We were originally going to use this moment to all get into various positions depending on the escape plan. Escape plan D was more of a... haphazard... escape.

The massive dinosaur took a hesitant step forward. Her bright, pink, newly-washed boa hung from her neck. Her inert wand remained in her hand. As we watched, the wand glowed. Donut had just cast the recharge scroll on it.

The dinosaur looked at the wand with wonder, then waved it. Sparkles danced through the air. Tina made a little, excited hop, one that shook the stage, and then twirled.

The wand, it turned out, did a little more than just shoot sparkles. It did that, too, but it was another charm spell. A performer’s trick. It was very similar to Donut’s spell, but it had a little more kick to it. The audience, already heavily focused on the dinosaur were now enraptured by her. They weren’t forced to stare like zombies, but the wand cast a spell called The Recital, which had the effect of making everyone happy. It made them feel as if they wanted to be there. That they wanted to watch the stage. That this was something they’d been looking forward to.

It filled me with warmth. With hope. I felt tears form in the corners of my eyes.

The two cretins, Clay-ton and Very Sullen appeared on both edges of the stage, each holding a stick that rose all the way to the ceiling. Pulled taut between the sticks was a massive piece of fabric—a ship’s mainsail Elle had in her inventory—with waves painted on it. It rose all the way to the ceiling, obscuring the back of the stage. According to Prudence—poor, dead Prudence—Tina was supposed to do a dance called the “Water Ballad,” which was about a mer-bear or some shit. Tina twirled again, casting more sparkles. She skipped across the stage.

“When you see my family,” Signet said, gritting her teeth through the spell. “You tell them I did this out of my own free will.”

It was Vrah who realized what was happening. She either had immunity to this sort of charm, or she finally noticed the glowing naiad standing off at the edge of the room. She shouted and started pushing her way toward the stage, pointing at Signet.

Carl: Sledge. Do it.

Sledge: Casting now. One minute to chant spell. Five minutes to cast.

Carl: Sledge, you’re inside the castle. That’s okay, but it means you’ll be transferred to the ninth floor with everyone else. Ferdinand the cat will go, too, and he might be a problem, so watch him. When you get there, there might be some zombie things attacking you. The good news is, none of the faction wars guys will be allowed to touch you, so hopefully you’ll all be safe. You’re going to feel really sick for a full day. But you’re going to have a lot of people around you who’ll protect you. Thank you for doing this, and thank you for taking care of Donut. I’ll never forget what you’ve done for us tonight.

Sledge: No let Bomo beat my Frogger score.

Carl: I’ll unplug the machine the moment we get back.

Sledge: Good.

The two cretins holding the backdrop approached the forward part of the stage, pushing Tina up to the very edge, where she twirled again, sparkles spinning around her. They dropped the fabric, revealing a line of 30 velociraptors plus Mongo and Kiwi. They were all wearing ridiculous, hand-sewn costumes around their heads, depicting sea creatures and sea anemones and starfish and whatnot. One was supposed to be a shrimp, I was pretty sure, but it had the antennae in its mouth and was chewing on it. Another, a clam, had her mask completely over her eyes, and she was twirling in circles, unsure of what to do. Her tail slammed against her neighbor, who squawked loudly.

Mongo had a crab costume that had fallen around his neck. Kiwi was covered in white, paper mâché bubbles, ringed around her neck like an oversized, pearl necklace.

One of the costumes, a piece of seaweed, fell lazily from the ceiling where it’d just been accidentally cut in half.

The inconsistent line of velociraptors danced back and forth to the guitar music.

Carl: Britney. You need to get away from the backstage area. Come out.

The guitar faded, and the dinosaurs continued to sway back and forth.

Donut: READY WHENEVER YOU ARE.

Imani: Everybody who’s on the right side of the room, move left. Look at the floor tiles. Move to a place where the floor is solid.

Signet reached forward and squeezed my hand.

“Carl,” she said. She could no longer move her neck as the tattoos spun faster and faster. “Do you happen to have a knife?”

“I do,” I said. I pulled one from my inventory. It was the same knife someone had once used in an attempt to assassinate Donut. I handed it over to her, handle first. At the same time, I slipped on my wrist bracer. All around, crawlers slowly pulled out their weapons and armed themselves.

“Thank you,” Signet said. She raised a glowing hand and put it on my cheek. “Protect your family, and watch over mine.”

The hunters, not knowing what was going on, all started to shout. The effect of the charm spells had finally faded.

Imogen looked about, surprised as Signet came and rigidly sat next to her sister.

“I only have two regrets,” Signet said. “One is that I never got the chance to say goodbye to my Grimaldi. Maybe one day. The second is that I won’t be the one to kill you today.”

“What’re you doing?” Imogen asked, alarmed.

“You know, we were going to leave. My mother and I. We were going to go to an island and leave all this behind. I think about it all the time.”

She looked her sister in the eye, she pulled the knife, and she tore it across her own throat.

From the ceiling, every acorn on the upside-down tree fell at once. There was no warning or reason to it. They all hit the ground like little gunshots.

The floor rent open, and Signet plummeted from sight, getting pulled into the Nothing as Imogen grabbed at her, as if to stop her.

Ethereal shrieks rose from the tear in the ground. Black wisps and tendrils lashed upward. The stench of sulfur filled the room.

“So much for season three,” Elle muttered

“Psamathe,” a faint voice shrieked from the dark, sounding distant and hollow. “Psamathe, we are coming.”

The hole in the floor snapped shut.

Signet was gone, but an outline of her body remained, black shadows spinning. It was her tattoos, twisting and turning and undulating. Signet’s blood also remained in this world, yanked from her flesh as she was torn away, temporarily creating an ethereal form that rose into the air and started to swirl and swirl upon itself, turning into a tornado, growing bigger by the moment.

Warning: Apito has turned her back. The seal has been broken. The Butcher’s Masquerade has failed to cast. The protection of this chamber has stopped.

This party is over.

The three judges at the table disappeared with a crack of lightning. Chaco, at the far end of the room, also disappeared.

I pulled out the ring of divine suffering, I placed it on my finger, and I marked Vrah.

I then pulled two smoke curtains. I held them in my hands like twin grenades, and I tossed them both into the room.

Carl: Now!

Chapter 194

Many, many things happened at once.

“Sic ‘em,” Donut cried.

The velociraptors shrieked as one and leaped off the stage and landed amongst the surprised hunters. A raptor dressed as a pufferfish sailed across the room, landing atop a draconian and savagely ripped at his neck, decapitating him. At the same moment, Mongo and Kiwi fell upon Vrah, who screamed in rage as hunters fled and died.

“Surprise, motherfuckers!” Samantha yelled as she fell from the corner of the ceiling. She surfed into the room in a tidal wave of bug gore that slopped down like oatmeal through the hole in the ceiling. A hole I couldn’t see. She hit the ground and rolled, pushing straight through my legs. She launched herself into the air and landed amongst Kiwi and Mongo, biting onto the dying form of Vrah.

“Remember me, bitch!” She chomped down on the bug.

At the same time, geysers of bug gore erupted up through the floor into our own ballroom. Mixed in with it were some actual, living and intact mantis nymphs, who squealed and moved to attack. These things were about 2/3’s the size of the real deal and a third the strength, but there were a lot of them.

Tina roared and also leaped off the front of the stage, but the moment she did, she vanished. She was now the sole occupant of Attendant Ballroom B, not including the surprised workers and animal handlers, which we couldn’t see. Sure enough, an elf suddenly appeared, landing on the stage, only for Tina to reappear for a moment to chomp him in half. She roared again as blood sprayed across the stage.

The disembodied tattoos swirled around Imogen, who screamed in outrage as the tornado encased her like a cocoon.

“I’ll protect you, my bride!” Ferdinand shouted up at Donut. He blinked and disappeared.

All around us, the hunters died. But not all of them. Many were escaping from the now-open doors, scattering like cockroaches. I looked to our own doorway, and mantises surged in, blocking the exit. I growled.

Chaos reigned as the gore continued to ooze into the room from above and below. The Popovs swung their meteor hammer through the room, twisting and shouting as they destroyed the nymphs. Prepotente had potion bottles in his hands and tossed them. Li Na rushed through the room, tossing chains as her brother danced atop them, ripping the bugs to pieces. A pair of summoned monsters with chainsaw arms flanked Bautista as he cut his way across the room. Florin had taken up a position in the corner, his shotgun raised to his shoulder as he blasted one after another. The blasts had become like a beat.

Lucia cowered behind the crocodilian, hands on her ears. She cried in terror.

Imani: We need to get out of this room.

Carl: two minutes. Donut’s Hole spell won’t work. The floor below us is literally filled with nymphs. The exit halls are blocked.

Imani: Where’s Diwata?

Donut: I SEE HER ON THE MAP. SHE’S RIGHT BELOW US. SHE’S NOT MOVING.

The tattoos harassing Imogen weren’t growing to the enormous, building-sized proportions they usually did. But they weren’t turning into 2D tattoos, either. A fully-realized, three-headed nodling ogre formed and hit the ground and roared. The name Di-Wi. Memory Golem formed over the nodling’s head. It swung and missed at the incorporeal form of Imogen. A massive, Tina-sized hammerhead shark slammed into the ground, no longer floating like it usually did. It flopped angrily about, rolling over—and through—hunters and dinosaurs as it started to angrily chomp at nymphs, only some of whom were actually in the same room as it. Yet another tattoo, a normally-gigantic, snake-like dragon—also appeared, but it was only the size of my arm. It stuck its head straight up at the ceiling and fired a beam of light directly into the air. It hit the edge of the Scolopendra mosaic, which shattered and stopped twisting. The dinosaur roared and flew upward, disappearing.

We only had a minute before Queen Imogen would regain control of the situation. Smoke still filled the room. Signet’s reanimated tattoos couldn’t harm her directly.

Crack! Red lightning filled the room, coming from Imogen. It spread in every direction at once. A bolt struck me in the neck.

“Gah!” I cried as my health ticked down. Every creature in the room staggered.

The attack hadn’t been too powerful, but it had hit everyone at once.

I jumped over to where Vrah lay on the floor, bleeding out. Mongo and Kiwi had ripped all of her limbs off. Both dinosaurs also bled from multiple wounds. One of Vrah’s compound eyes had been punctured and shattered like a bee’s honeycomb. White ooze seeped from the wound, pooling around her.

“How,” Vrah gurgled.

“Kiwi,” I said. “Back onto the stage. Quick. Mongo. Finish her off for me. Make it hurt.”

Kiwi pressed her head against Mongo’s for just a moment. She knew. She knew this was goodbye. She turned and returned to the stage as Mongo roared gleefully and dove back into Vrah.

My interface chimed, letting me know I’d successfully finished off the mark. Her highest stat had been dexterity. I looked about for another target, but none had full health. Multiple hunters worshiped Emberus. Only Imogen had full health. I pulled my ring off. For now.

“Samantha,” I yelled. “If I don’t see you again, thank you!”

“Where am I going?” she asked. She had managed to pull a chunk of Vrah chitin off her body, and she spit it out. Her hair had all burned off, and she looked like a Barbie head pulled from a housefire. “Are you breaking up with me? Is it because of Louis?”

“What? No!” I said as I ducked a friendly-fire magic missile. A nymph flew at me, and I punched it in the head. It exploded, but not before it raked its arms across me. I cried out in pain. I swung at another, but my hand flew right through it. It wasn’t in this room. “You’re in the castle. You’ll teleport away. Ninety seconds!”

“Where’s Signet?” Samantha shouted. “She needs to give me my body!”

“She’s gone,” I said. “She killed herself to save us.”

“What?” Samantha demanded. “I’m going to...” She paused, seeing something. She rolled off toward the stage.

The sound of a crying child caught my attention.

I ducked a flying nymph attack and then kicked another as it launched at the three newcomers cowering on the ground.

Not all of Signet’s tattoos were warriors.

The young, hairy form of Clint cried as he clutched onto the apron of the equally terrified Miss Nadine. The dwarf-like chee woman had once upon a time been a caterpillar, and before that a teacher of young children. She cowered with the boy, unsure what to do. They’d both been hit by the lightning attack. Clint’s health was almost gone. I instinctively pulled a health potion and shoved it at him. He grabbed it in two hands and sucked it down. To my surprise, it worked.

There was another person there, too. A naiad, prone on the ground. The harsh eyes of the creature were closed, as if she was sleeping. Signet’s mother. The memory of her, at least, given flesh. The label over her read:

Princess Lunette. Incomplete Flesh Golem.

“Cousin,” Samantha said. She poked the golem with her burned head. “Cousin, wake up!”

“Nadine,” I said. “How long you guys will last?”

“Forever,” she said, panting the words. “She gave us... She gave us life.”

“You’ll transfer, then. It might get bumpy for you guys.” It was going to happen at any second.

The breathless Nadine pointed to the prone form of Princess Lunette. “Signet. Wants you. Take the golem. She took memory with her. Just left body. Help Samantha. Find a Pulpmancer.”

“Take it! Take it, Carl!” Samantha shrieked, bouncing up and down like a basketball. I kicked another nymph.

I picked up the form of Signet’s mother. It weighed nothing. It wasn’t alive. It had no dot on my map. I pulled it into my inventory.

I grinned down at Samantha. “We’ll figure this out when I meet up with you on the ninth...”

“Fuck that!” Samantha said. She rose up off the ground, floating magically, and she shot off like a rocket, blasting down through a hole in the floor.

What the hell?

Nadine picked up Clint and clutched him in her arms. We all ducked as Florin’s shotgun blast hit a pillar, sending wood chunks everywhere. Katia had formed into her sentinel gun and was blasting away. The nymphs just kept coming and coming.

“You fools!” Imogen shouted, waving her arms and pushing her way through of the mess of tattoo warriors. A squid had formed, and it was pulling itself upward through the ceiling. Imogen's hands glowed. She swiped her hand to the left, and my arm snapped. Just like that. I cried out in pain as I was pulled through the air toward her, bones in my body cracking and breaking.

“Gah!” Imogen cried as the orange form of Sir Ferdinand appeared and slammed into her head. She staggered, and I crashed into the floor. My shattered arm bone ripped through my skin.

Ferdinand went flying, blood spewing as Imogen savagely backhanded him. He flew in one direction, his hat in the other. He hit the ground and yowled and then disappeared.

I cast Heal on myself and pulled myself to my feet and my bones knit, like broken glass forming in reverse. I staggered as I fell unsteady. Come on. Come on. Imogen would recover at any moment.

“Kiwi,” Donut called, still upon the stage. “Come here! Lower your head!”

Kiwi moved to Donut, who reached up and grasped one of the bubbles around the back of Kiwi’s neck with two paws. She squeezed, and the potion ball hidden within the bubble exploded.

Big Tina reappeared on stage just as the I Take It All Back potion spread over the velociraptor. The effect was instantaneous. Kiwi stagged and then stood to her feet, having been transformed from a dinosaur to an ursine. It happened even faster than I thought it would.

The bear stood to her height, naked except the remaining paper bubbles. She looked at her paws in surprise.

Tina, upon seeing the transformation of her mother, roared. Then roared again. Then a third time, only this time the roar sounded almost like words. Then a fourth time. “Mom? Mommy? Where are we? Mommy? Mommy?”

She remained in the form of an allosaurus.

Quest Complete. The Recital.

Sledge: Five seconds. Good-bye.

I met Donut’s eyes. All around us was blood and carnage and death.

“Potions!” I shouted. I had my nipple ring fall ability, but I didn’t trust it. I drank a Feather Fall potion. I’d gotten the potions out of the box, along with a bunch of other things, when I stood upon Prepotente’s personal saferoom cube. He had one zap left on his wand, and he’d let me use it. All in exchange for letting him take over the party for a day or so.

Vroom.

Everything froze.



~

Here we go. The end is nigh. Next chapters coming in a few minutes.