Chapter 149 (Patreon)

Time Until the Hunt Begins: 3.5 Hours.

Trophy Count: 34

Remaining Hunters: 1013

The number of hunters in the dungeon appeared on the screen, just below the remaining crawler counter, which had lowered to 83,995. The hunter count had ticked up a few times in the past few hours, presumably as a few more last-minute stragglers decided to press their luck.

Katia and the others had left an hour ago while it was still dark. Apparently Team Meadow Lark had run into some trouble along the path, and they’d gone out to assist. All was well now.

Now that the sun had risen, we also needed to get moving. We were still only a few hours from Zockau, and the hunters were going to spread from the city like a cloud the moment it opened up. Teleport spells and scrolls were rare, but as we’d already demonstrated, not unheard of. In a day or two, the hunters would be all over the map.

We prepared to leave. We had a rough map of the floor’s layout, and we needed to head south, get to the river, and cross it. There were towns and villages and cities on either side, but most hunters avoided the high elf areas because it was too dangerous.

Still, most everyone on my chat was pushing their way deeper and deeper south, as far away from Zockau as possible. They figured they’d take their chances against the elves rather than face the hunters.

Katia had made the map based on the gate coordinates Gwen’s team had looted off the body of Quetzalcoatlus on the previous floor. She’d drawn out a paper copy for us, and it was nearly identical to the one I already had in my scratchpad that I’d copied from the cookbook.

I hadn’t realized just how large this place was.

“If I’m translating the gate coordinates correctly, it’s about 100,000 square kilometers,” she’d said after I asked her. “Really similar to Iceland, actually. It even has a similar shape.”

“Really? That seems huge, especially compared to the last floor.”

“It’s big,” Mordecai agreed. “The ninth floor is the biggest one, though most of the action takes place in one small area.”

“Wait, how big is this really, like from edge to edge?” I asked.

Katia moved her finger from top to bottom. “It’s about 400-something kilometers from north to south, so what? 250 miles? And about 300-something kilometers from east to west. The river, end to end is about 500 kilometers, but that’s only because it’s not straight.”

The river meandered from the northeast corner to the southwest, bisecting the map like a slithering snake. It branched off into multiple tributaries and lakes, I knew, though Katia didn’t have any of that yet on her map.

“Are these roads?” I asked, pointing.

“Yes. We’re using the same information gathering system as we did on the Iron Tangle. Every time someone finds something new, they’re calling it in. Imani is the one who’s mostly coordinating it, but I’ve been copying down everything, too. Some of these locations are estimates.”

“And these are bridges?” I asked.

“Yes, but again, the location is approximate.”

“Do we know how many there are?”

“At least a dozen, but probably more,” Katia said. “We only have a general idea of most of them.”

“I know you guys are busy, but do you think you can help organize something for me?”

Katia sighed. “You know I’ll do anything you ask. To a point.”

I grinned. “This one will be easy. I just want all the bridges knocked down. All except this one.”

~

Now, a few hours later, I reexamined the map. I examined the main road off Zockau. It seemed to run straight to the river, cross it, and continue on its way before ending about halfway into the jungle.

Carl: Hey Miriam. Have you guys left yet?

Miriam: Yes, sweetie. Are you feeling better? We are traveling the main road south, following the path of the caravans. We plan on crossing the river soon and disappearing into the jungle. There are very few mobs about.

Carl: Are you coming across a lot of traps?

Miriam: This main road is mostly clear. The caravans make their way up and down this road, and their bodyguards cast anti-trap spells as they travel. Even if they are traps made for crawlers, they are still disarmed by the spells.

That was super valuable information. I sent a quick note to Katia, asking her to spread the word. We needed to map out the regular caravan routes and add them to the community map.

The lack of mobs was because the hunters had likely cleared them out around the cities. It wasn’t until we got further away would we find more.

I had multiple IEDs I’d built, designed to only be triggered by hunters, and I’d need to be careful with their placement. I didn’t want to waste them.

Carl: Is there a town near the bridge?

Katia’s map had noted a “possible” settlement here, and I wanted to make sure.

Miriam: Yes. A very big town. It’s about forty kilometers from where you are now. Maybe 60 from Zockau. It’s where we started. A large Ursine settlement just on the other side of the river. Be careful if you go. They’re very peculiar there. We have to put Bianca away when we enter.

I took a pencil and circled the area where the road met the city.

~

Donut: YOU CAN’T USE BOMO AS A SUICIDE BOMBER. IT’S NOT RIGHT.

Carl: It’s not a suicide bombing if he comes back the next floor. He already agreed to it.

Donut: BOMO IS OUR FRIEND. WE DON’T BLOW UP OUR FRIENDS, CARL.

Carl: He actually seemed kinda excited at the idea.

Donut: IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK ANYWAY. THEY’LL BE WAITING FOR HIM.

Since Bomo had last entered the personal space through the saferoom in Zockau, he’d leave the same way if he went out the door by himself. I wasn’t sure if there was a door just sitting there or not in the saferoom. Even Mordecai wasn’t sure. He knew the door would appear if Bomo exited, but he had no idea if it generated and remained there while he was inside like it would with regular party members. If there was a door sitting there in the situationally generated space, the other hunters certainly would’ve noticed it and would be prepared. If there wasn’t a door, someone probably still would’ve figured this out by now. It was a pretty obvious move.

I was going to load Bomo up with a very large bomb, send him out into the safe room, have him step outside, and blow the shit out of the town. This would be a bigger explosion than last time. Much bigger. I wanted him to do it when there was only about a half hour left on the timer so more hunters would be outside.

Now that we could chat again safely, I’d been relaying the plan to Donut. Anyone who’d been paying attention could probably figure this out, but that was okay. Bomo would pull the wheeled bomb out of the personal space and emerge out in a saferoom, and there wasn’t anything anybody could do about it. The only way to stop him would be to block the door off and keep him from exiting out onto the street. If that was the case, it’d require resources and teamwork, and I had the impression none of these guys were too keen to work together. But if they did, Bomo would return to the personal space, and we’d save the bomb for later.

The bomb itself was pretty cool. It was similar to the barrel explosives I used before, but much bigger in yield. A few days back when we were still on the previous floor, Mordecai had left a few little square blocks on my sapper’s table called Nitro Sludge. They were a by-product of a shield potion he’d been working on. They looked like squares of uncooked ramen noodles. They were completely inert, but if vaporized at a high enough temperature, they released an insane amount of oxygen. I’m no chemist, and I have no idea how this stuff really works, but Mordecai tried to explain it to me anyway. Each block was the equivalent of several hundred pounds of ammonium nitrate. They weren’t explosive on their own, but they acted like an amplifier if used in the correct situation. Too little, and they did nothing. Too much, and it actually muted the explosion. I seriously had no idea how it really worked since they had so little mass, but after a lot of trial and error, I’d come up with the perfect mix.

I had a large, egg-shaped, clamshell-like bomb casing from the previous floor. It was a type of live ammo ball, but it was broken and couldn’t be used again to hold and protect a living creature. I could, however, fill it with explosives and a few blocks of Nitro Sludge and then weld the thing closed.

The finished, egg-like bomb was about five feet tall and much too big to easily carry, so I built a little cart to place it in that Bomo could pull behind him. For good measure, I also imbued it with Fear. Because why not?

According to the simulator, if the bomb worked properly, it would flatten everything within a third of a mile from the epicenter and would severely injure or kill everyone for a good half mile beyond that. It was by far the largest bomb I had constructed myself. At least intentionally.

The system helpfully named the bomb on its own.

Just Wait Until Your Daddy Gets Home – Wheeled Bomb.

Type: High Yield Thermobaric Explosive. Also imbues Fear within blast radius.

Effect: I hope you’re paid up on your homeowner’s insurance.

Status: 250. Fortified.

Boom.

I wasn’t actually expecting this plan with Bomo to work, but I figured it was worth a try. In the meantime, Donut and I would be booking it south using the royal chariot dune buggy, which I still had in my inventory. I wanted to get to that town on the other side of the bridge and check it out and see if it was a suitable base of operations.

Donut: WHAT IF I MADE A CLOCKWORK BOMO?

Carl: Uh, would that work? Can you even make a clockwork Bomo?

Donut: HE’S LISTED AS A ROYAL COURT MINION. WE’D HAVE TO SWITCH HIM OVER TO A MINION OF ME AND NOT THE PARTY, LIKE WE DID WITH CLAY-TON AND VERY SULLEN. REALLY, CARL. YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO HOW THE PARTY SYSTEM WORKS. ONCE HE’S JUST A MINION OF ME, IT LETS ME MAKE CLOCKWORK VERSIONS.

Carl: Well, shit. That’s actually a great idea, but I don’t know if the clockwork would exit out the correct door.

Donut: YOU UNDERESTIMATE ME, CARL. THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO LET ME KNOW THE PLAN. DON’T WORRY. I GOT THIS. ONLY PROBLEM IS I MUST BE IN THE SAFEROOM WHEN WE DO IT.

I glanced at the clock. If the road was clear, we could get to that next town no problem. We had just over three hours.

Carl: Okay. We’ll prepare Bomo in case we don’t make it in time. But if we can get to the next town in three hours, we’ll do it your way.

~

“Okay, do you understand? Don’t touch it until it’s time to leave. It’s really stable, but if you screw around with it too much in here, it might turn into a dud.”

Bomo rumbled. Behind him, the Sledge made a disapproving sound. He wasn’t mad that Bomo was possibly doing this. He was upset that Bomo didn’t want him playing Frogger while he was gone because he didn’t want him to beat his score, which meant the Sledge would have to go two weeks without playing.

I had a Playstation Two and a television set I’d gotten from the house along with a ton of games. I’d managed to hook a dwarven battery to a power strip without blowing everything up. I was hoping to expand their videogame horizons, but their hands were too big. I was going to make them cretin-sized controllers when I got a chance.

We left the space and moved to the streets. We didn’t have time to go exploring in this town. Everything had been destroyed, and that was even more evident in the daylight. We moved from the space, out into the Whataburger, and out into the streets, headed south.

“Your kind are not welcome here,” a creature called. This was a bugbear atop a house, hammering wood into place. The creature stood, looking down at us. He wore a tattered, leather apron and clutched an enormous hammer in a clawed hand. He pointed the hammer at us. This was my first time really looking at a bugbear. Shamus Chaindrive, the submarine captain from the last floor, had been a bugbear, but he’d been nothing but a head in a jar and I never really got to see him.

These guys were ugly bastards. He was large, furry, with pointed ears and a goblin-like face. This one had an orange-brown tint to his fur. Others were more brown or red. Each one was about my height, but twice as bulky. We did not want to tangle with these guys if we could avoid it. His accent was eastern European, reminding me of that dead idiot Vadim who’d locked himself in an escape pod and got himself killed by jellyfish.

“Carl, I can smell him from here. He smells like pickled beets and vodka. Disgusting,” Donut muttered.

Goiter – Bugbear. Level 42.

Councilmember of this settlement.

One of the few races who managed to not get fully wiped out by Scolopendra’s nine-tier attack, the bugbears are now one of the most common races one might find in the Kapok district of the Hunting Grounds, second only to the Ursine and the Bush Elves.

Bugbears are on the same evolutionary tree as goblins and hobgoblins, which is to say they’re ugly and mean and are rumored to have sexual relations with toads. Like hobgoblins, they’re known for blowing stuff up, but the explosions they cause tend to be involuntary. They are engineers at heart and spend their days attempting to construct automatons and vehicles and other contraptions with varying degrees of success.

Despite their name, they are not actually bears. Their neighbors and rivals, the Ursine, are happy to point this out every chance they get.

You gotta treat a bugbear like you would treat the enormous, drunk guy at the end of the bar. It could go either way. He’ll either want to fight you or be your buddy. And there ain’t no way to predict which one it’ll be.

“We’re not the ones who destroyed your town,” I called up to the bugbear. “We’re here to kill them.”

“That is different story, then. This means we are friends. I shall buy you a drink.”

“Sorry,” I called. “We gotta get moving. But just a warning, those same guys will be coming through here again in a few hours, so you should get ready.”

Goiter the bugbear circled his head, cracking his neck. “We’ll be ready.”

I saluted him, and we moved out of town.

~

Like Miriam said, the jungle here was completely devoid of mobs. At least it was near the main road. There was wildlife and all sorts of foliage, but we didn’t have time to examine anything. Mordecai had given me a list of items to look for that was literally five pages long. I told him to take some gold and hire someone to look for him.

I drove the chariot while Donut rode Mongo and ran alongside. Her Twinkle Toes spell made it so Mongo could run faster even than the dune buggy, and she’d been practicing it, trying to level it up. Mongo loved going fast and screeched with joy whenever she cast the spell.

I stopped a few times and planted a few claymore-like mines. They’d only be triggered by hunters. I suspected I was wasting my time, but it couldn’t hurt.

As we traveled, Donut worked on her singing. She was attempting to cast Entourage, but she could only make a single illusionary Carl appear when she sang in a low monotone, and the resulting illusion was vaguely transparent, which was no good.

“Carl, this system is broken,” Donut said. “It’s not letting me cast my new spells right.”

“Keep working on it,” I said. “We’ll find you something to help…” I trailed off as I received an odd notification.

Your god, Emberus, has made an appearance in this realm.

I stopped the cart and looked around. I didn’t see anything. Nothing changed.

“What? What is it?” Donut asked.

I told her.

“He’s probably collecting all his money from you.”

Just about a minute later, a second notification appeared.

Emberus has returned to the Halls of the Ascendency.

“Weird,” I said, and we continued on our way.

It didn’t take long for us to reach the river.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but there were no real surprises here. The stream was pretty big, maybe 250 feet across. I couldn’t tell how deep it was. It flowed north to south, but at a slow pace. I didn’t see anything on or in the water, but Donut said she saw a few white dots flash by. There was a steep slope here, and we didn’t dare approach.

There was an impressive-looking, wooden, covered bridge here, big enough for two carts to pass side-by-side. The ground just in front of the bridge was burnt to hell, suggesting there’d been a trap here not too long ago.

I could see the city on the other side of the bridge, bigger than I expected. A pair of funeral bell mushroom guards stood at the end of the bridge watching us impassively.

We had just under an hour before the hunters would be released. I stopped the chariot and stowed it away as I clomped my away across the bridge, taking note of the multiple braces that led down into the river. We’d gotten word of maybe ten bridges that had been knocked down. That wasn’t nearly as many as I hoped, but hopefully the word had leaked to the hunters. They, the ones who couldn’t fly or teleport at least, would be funneled toward the bridges that remained. Hopefully.

Entering Large Ursine Settlement.

“I must say,” Donut said from the back of Mongo. “This village smells much better than the last one. It’s no wonder why these ursine folk don’t like the bugbears.”

We stopped at the end of the bridge, just before the two mushroom guards. It was kind of odd. This town’s main residents were the ursine, which were large, bear-like humanoids. In Zockau, the bear guys were the guards and there weren’t any of the funeral bells.

Unlike that very first dryad village, which had been part of the jungle, this one was mostly devoid of jungle foliage. The jungle encroached all around the big town, but there were no wild, unkempt trees within the streets. Rows of well-manicured shrubs and trees with flowering buds dotted the city, but it was clear this town was very well taken-care of. Multiple stores and shops and guilds all lined up neatly amongst cobblestone streets. I caught sight of a Club Vanquisher entrance in the distance, but I did not see a Desperado Club. I knew there had to be one in there somewhere because Mordecai said all “large” towns would have access.

There was no indicator that the hunters had ventured this far before they’d been sequestered. The town seemed fully intact, and like Donut said, it actually smelled nice. Kind of like flowers mixed in with clean linen.

My map had a strange, red diamond symbol on it, just at the edge. I zoomed in and saw it was listed as a Temple of Hellik.

Hellik was the brother and enemy of Emberus. I had a quest to kill the god that I’d eventually have to deal with. In the meantime, I would supposedly to get a bonus any time I killed a worshipper of Hellik, though I wasn’t about to wade into that pool any time soon. I had way too much stuff to deal with.

I didn’t see any temples of Emberus in town, though I did notice a few other churches that weren’t labeled. They all sat together in a row down one street deep in town.

There were dozens of NPCs about. Most of them were the large, hulking ursine, but I caught sight of multiple bush elves and dryads along with the occasional dwarf and even bugbear, plus a dozen other random creatures. I saw none of the monkeys that seemed to plague the more southern cities. I didn’t see any other crawlers, but I did catch a few oddities. There were a pair of dots with the cross, indicating them as elites. They both were moving away. In addition, I saw two different white dots that were shaped like stars. I hadn’t seen that before, but I knew from Mordecai and the cookbook that white stars sometimes indicated quest-giving NPCs.

We stopped in front of the two funeral bells.

“Hey buddy,” I said to the guard. “Do you guys even talk?”

The guard just looked at me. His flat, white face was an emotionless mask.

“Do you think you can point me toward the mayor’s office?”

The guard made a sort of deep-throated rumbling noise which I took as a “No.”

“I don’t think he talks, Carl,” said Donut.

I sighed. “Let’s get into a saferoom.” We started moving forward, but the two mushrooms suddenly lowered their spears to block our access. Their dots on the map remained white, but they weren’t letting us pass.

“What is it?” I asked.

One of the funeral bells pointed at Donut and Mongo with his long spear and made a very slight “no” motion with his head as Donut made a scoffing noise.

I realized he was pointing the stick directly at Mongo’s chest. Mongo screeched in indignation. The guards both made a dangerous, growling noise. These guys were level 90. We didn’t want to fight them.

The second funeral bell pointed to a poster that was tacked to the interior wall of the covered bridge behind us. I turned to examine it. The paper ran the length from the floor to the ceiling of the bridge and was so old and faded I hadn’t noticed it. The system was kind enough to read it for me.

Sign. This is a set of rules put forth by the town. This is an Ursine settlement, so consider yourself lucky this one is short.

Town Rules. Failure to heed any of these will result in immediate decapitation:

• No fighting.




• No alcohol.




• No illicit drugs.




• No magic on the streets.




• No dancing.




• No singing outside of a temple.




• No unruly children.




• No gambling of any kind.




• No stealing.




• No littering.




• No swearing.




• No sexual activity outside the sanctity of marriage.




• No Macaques of any breed unless escorted by a Dryad.




• No Naiads.




• No Half or Quarter Naiad Mongrels.




• All High Elves must register their presence at the guard headquarters.




• All bugbears must take a bath in the river before entering and then register at the guard headquarters. Funeral Bells will provide soap.




• And absolutely, positively no dinosaurs of anykind. No exceptions.

“What?” Donut exclaimed. “This is an outrage! They specifically called out Mongo! He’s just an innocent, little child. And no dancing? No singing? All of these rules are just ridiculous. Well, except maybe the bugbear one. But all the others are just awful. I will not have it. You there,” she called out to one of the guards. “Get me the person in charge immediately!”

“Donut,” I began, “we don’t have time. Just stick Mongo in his carrier and…”

To my utter astonishment, the mushroom guard grunted and turned, waddling away while Donut sat there, still astride Mongo. She made a little harumph noise.

“We don’t have time for this,” I said again as I watched the slow-moving mushroom lumber down the street.

“It’s about the principal, Carl. Mongo loves villages. The last one didn’t care about  him.” She patted the dinosaur on the head. “Don’t worry. Mommy will get it all sorted out.”

Mongo snorted.

“All right,” I said, “But the hunters will be free soon. Plus, we should probably find out why that last rule is necessary.” I shivered at the thought of having to fight a pack of Mongos. Holy crap.

An older Ursine wearing honest-to-goodness glasses suddenly appeared, walking hurriedly down the street. He met the funeral bell and exchanged a few words—it appeared they did talk—and then they both turned toward us.

“No, no, no,” the bear said as they approached. “This is not real royalty. I told you to only summon me if it’s a member of the High Elf court. Not whatever that is.”

The bear was about the same size and shape of a bugbear, but this one was a large, brown bear who walked on two legs. While the bugbears seemed overly muscular, this guy just seemed pudgy. But he was also a bear, and I knew looks could be deceiving when it came to these guys. This one had some gray around his snout and was clearly a little older. He wore no pants but had a vest. The glow around his dot told me he had magical gear.

I was suddenly reminded of another bear, this one a reanimated corpse on roller skates, and I shuddered, remembering.

I examined the creature.

Elmer. Level 40. Ursine.

Mayor of this settlement.

Hoo boy. An Ursine. So there are bears, which are the vicious, brutal-yet-somehow-cuddly creatures we all know and love. And then there are the Ursine. They’re 49% bear, 51% racist uncle who works for the IRS and has to hide his erection when he prepares for an audit.

I have nothing against those who choose to live a saintly existence or those who choose to find hope and peace in comfort in a life of purity and virtue.

Actually, that’s a lie. I hate these smug fucksticks. Why? Because of the gods damned hypocrisy. It’d be one thing if these hairy bitches practiced what they preached, but all of their rules and self-righteousness is nothing but a shiny veneer covering up the fact they’re just as rusted and immoral and imperfect as the rest of us. If internet porn was a thing in the dungeon, there’s no doubt these repressed assholes would be the number one connoisseurs of gnomish femdom porn or something of the like. Well, except maybe after the Gingers from the seventh floor. But you get the idea. They think they’re better than everybody else.

It’s just like those other new, shiny AI iterations with their clean lines and error-replacement nets. Fuck you all.

If repressed sexuality and caged instinct was, err, bearified, you would get the Ursine. After Scolopendra’s destruction, the only surviving Ursine were the clerics. That resulted in the formally-brutal society evolving into something like that town from the movie Footloose. They want a utopia. If you don’t look at the fraying edges, it’s clear they’ve somewhat succeeded.

“You’re a genius, Donut,” I muttered under my breath. I’d figured it take some time to find the mayor.

“Yes, Carl,” Donut said. “I know I am a genius.”

I looked over my shoulder. The bridge stood just behind us. On either side was a steep slope that led about twenty feet down into the river. There was a well-worn trail here where the bugbears would, presumably, trudge up and down to take their baths.

“Yankee Doodle. Into the river.”

“What, now?” Donut whispered. “What about the guards? Yankee Doodle needs Katia. That’s where we got the name! We put the feather in the cap! Really, Carl. You need to remember the moves better.”

I took a step back so we returned to the covered bridge, just outside of town.

“If these guards are like the swordsmen from the third floor, it won’t matter if we’re out of the town limits. I’ll take care of Katia’s part. If it doesn’t work, we’ll run to a saferoom. There’s one right there around that next corner. The Galleon’s Lap.”

Every time a new description popped up now, I copied the text and then pasted it into the scratchpad. As Elmer the mayor bear approached us angrily, I noticed something odd. That weird line in the middle of the description, the one about the other AIs, wasn’t there after I pasted the text. I retyped it from memory while it was still fresh in my mind.

“You. You there. You cannot bring your lizard into town,” Elmer called. He stopped about ten feet from the city limits. The other guard moved back to his spot right in front of us.

Donut bristled. “Mongo is a purebred Mongoliensis, and he is in training for a very important pageant which will occur in a few days. And you, sir, are delaying his training. I demand you let us in immediately.”

The ursine crossed his arms. “Rules are rules for a reason. We do not make exceptions. We have had nothing but trouble from his kind, and he will not be allowed to enter. In fact,” he adjusted his glasses and squinted at Donut. “What sort of creature are you? Are you some sort of monkey?” He looked at me. “I’m sorry, only dryads are allowed to bring monkeys within town. So if you want to continue forward, you will have to leave them both behind.”

“A monkey?” Donut exclaimed. “You think I’m a monkey? I’ll have you know I am an award-winning, purebred tortoiseshell Persian cat with a flawless pedigree!”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “If we ignore the weird incest stuff, she does have a pretty flawless pedigree.”

“Hmm,” Elmer said to me. “She certainly acts and smells like a monkey. No, no. I’m sorry. We better be safe. If you wish, I can have one of my guards dispatch them both for you.”

Donut was about to say something, but I held up a hand. I pulled a handful of gold coins from my inventory. “How much would it cost us to have the guards get rid of them for me?” I gave a Donut a sidelong glance. “They have been getting on my nerves recently. Especially the hairy one.”

“Carl,” Donut said. “That is not funny.”

“See?” I said.

Elmer took a few steps forward to get a better look at the gold in my hand. “Hmm,” he said, thoughtful. “Probably a bit more than that. The customary execution fee is 100 gold, but I’ll give you discount if we do both at once. So only 150.”

“Let’s do it,” I said. “You’d be doing me a favor.” I pulled a few more coins out.

Elmer stepped closer to take the money.

The moment he did, Donut cast Astral Paw, pushing Elmer from behind toward the slope.

The mayor let out a cry as he tumbled off the edge of town and rolled down the slope. He pitched forward and flipped like a ragdoll, his fat body making an odd squishing noise as he bounced off a rock.

Normally, Katia would then shoot a crossbow bolt into the back of their head. Instead, I pulled a banger sphere and whirled to toss the metal ball.

I never got the chance to throw it. The bear creature’s face somehow managed to find every rock on the hill. He fell, landed face first on a stone, tumbled, then cracked his head on another. His own weight worked against him. He was dead the moment he rolled to a stop at the edge of the river. His mighty stomach jiggled.

Nobody moved for several moments.

“Well, that was unexpected,” I grumbled.

“Wow,” Donut said, as the two guards stepped forward to look down at the dead mayor. Their dots remained white on the map. It didn’t appear as if they knew Donut had cast a spell to push him. Either that, or they didn’t care because she’d been out of town at the time. “For a level-40, he sure was fragile.”

“Jump down there, loot his body, and then we’ll run into that saferoom while…”

A red dot appeared, leaping out the water with a sudden, violent splash. The movement was so sudden and fast, I cringed back in surprise. The blue-tinged, fanged creature grabbed the body, pulled it in, and disappeared before I could even examine it. The thing had been out of the river for less than a second. The X of the corpse and the red dot disappeared.

I was pretty sure that’d been a full-blooded naiad.

The two guards just looked at each other, as if unsure what to do next.

“Wait,” Donut said, suddenly gasping. “I got credit for that. Does that mean…”

“Go, go,” I whispered, slapping Mongo on the rump. The dinosaur screeched and ran between the two guards, who each took a second to respond. Their dots flashed and turned red as we ran into town and headed toward the nearby saferoom.

Warning: You have been branded as a troublemaker at this settlement. Guards will now attack you on sight.

We jumped into the saferoom pub, which was some Spanish restaurant. We rushed past the Bopca proprietor and into the personal space.

~

We only had a few minutes until the hunters would be released. I’d hoped to have more time to prepare, but that was okay. I moved to the bomber’s studio, grabbed the cart, and pulled it to the door.

“You’re going to have a box to open which’ll give you control of the settlement,” I said to Donut as I quickly prepared the wheeled bomb. “The guards are going to attack us until you open it. But we gotta do this first.”

Donut was hopping up and down with excitement. “My own town. I have my own town, Carl! I can change the rules now.” She gasped. “Do you think I’ll be able to change the town’s name? Do you think I can make them paint stuff different colors?” She looked at Mongo. “I told you mommy would take care of that stupid rule. Thought they could ban my baby from town. I showed them. I’m going to make dancing mandatory.”

“No time,” I said. “We need to do this now, and then we’ll need to get to work on making the guards set up to defend the city.”

“Oh, all right,” Donut said. “Everybody step back. Bomo has to open the door and stand on the edge, then I’ll cast the Clockwork Triplicate so the minion appears outside the room in that weird space where all the doors are, and Bomo will hand him the cart and get back inside. And then clockwork Bomo will roll it outside, and you can set it off.”

“Okay,” I said, my heart thrashing. “Bomo will have to go out with him into the saferoom so he can tell us when the clockwork guy gets outside.”

Bomo rumbled and stepped toward the door. He reached forward and pulled open the door.

“Stop,” I said before Donut could cast. There was nobody out in the situationally-generated space, but there was something attached to the outside of the door. A note. It was stuck into place on the door with a knife.

“Don’t touch that knife,” Mordecai said.

I was about to ask Bomo to grab it, but I had a notion and stepped forward and grabbed the note myself, careful not to touch the knife. It let me. I could actually step outside if I wanted. Now that was interesting. I quickly stepped back before anybody said anything.

I quickly examined the paper.

“Damnit,” I growled. “Sorry Bomo. We’ll save you and the bomb for another time.”

He made an unhappy growl. The Sledge grunted happily and turned to the Frogger machine.

“What? What does it say?” Donut asked. I showed her the note.

Carl.

Do not bother trying to kill anybody else within town with one of your silly explosives. All of the hunters are now protected from further explosions. You would only be killing your precious NPCs.

I have ordered the town guards to all worship Emberus. I am going to assume you know what that means. I hope you’re not stupid enough to try it. As entertaining as it would be for you to get smote by your own god, I much prefer for you to remain alive.

The hive is hunting you, and there will be nowhere for you to hide. We are coming. I am coming. Your death will not be quick. I will crack you open and drink your innards slowly, one organ at a time as every nerve in your soft body crackles with endless pain. The universe will watch as you suffer and beg for a death that will not come until the very end. And then I will take your head home with me and place it upon my sister’s grave so she may feast upon you in the afterlife.

Vrah.

I pulled a pen from my inventory, and I wrote, “Come and get it, bitch.” I crumpled up the paper and tossed it out the door.

“She seems nice,” Donut said.

System Message. Attention. Attention. The gates are down. The hunters are loose.

Run, Run, Run.

~

Howdy everyone! I hope you're doing well. Busy week in the Matt household. My child graduated. She's also going to college in Hawaii, and we're knee-deep in preparation for that.

This weekend I will be at Washington State Summer Con in Pullyallup. I will be at the Collageorama booth, but I will have a limited number of physical copies of DCC books 1, 2, 3, AND 4 to sign. If you're in the area, come say hello! Important note... I WON'T be there Saturday afternoon and will have a booth helper as I gotta attend a graduation party for my kid. I hope you're all doing well. Thanks for being a patron.