Chapters 142 + Epilogue A (Patreon)

(Make sure you've read 140 and 141 first! I'm posting them at the same time as this chapter!)

Chapter 142

<Note added by Crawler Porthus, 2nd Edition> I don’t know why this journal came to me, but I don’t feel it will ever be enough. I have done my best, adding little things here and there to the meager, mostly-useless recipes. How many generations before this book truly has enough information to make a difference? Too many, I fear.

I have decided to accept the deal. I don’t know what will become of me, but I swear on the name of all my fallen brothers and sisters, one day I will make them pay. It seems those who live outside our world can exist for thousands of years. I don’t know how this is possible, but if I survive my 100 seasons of servitude, I will do everything I can to end this horror. I don’t know if I have the strength, but I will do my best to not be broken.

This will be my last entry into this book, but I pray it won’t be the end of my fight.

Time to level collapse: five hours, 30 minutes.

I took out the two watches and clinked them in the winding box. I placed the box right there into the sand dune atop the bowl, about ten meters away from the stairwell. I dug the box in so it wouldn’t shift and get messed with. If the box moved more than five feet in any direction once it was set and counting down, the gate would get canceled. It was completely dark out here. The only light was the distant sliver of a dead bubble, glowing from within like they’d accidentally nuked themselves, and the world was now irradiated.

A light breeze that smelled like cooked turkey wafted across the world.

Langley and his archers were now the only other crawlers left up here with me and Donut. Langley stood beside me, watching as I pushed the box deeper into the sand. I stood and wiped my hands on my boxers.

“What’s your plan?” I asked.

Langley cracked his neck. He was now level 32. He’d gained eight levels since I’d first met him. “We’re going down there, and we’re going to keep doing what we’ve been doing. Katia asked us if we wanted to work with her new team, but I am thinking we might join up with some others. We’ll see. There are many large groups forming. The Popov brothers are looking for archers. They wish to hunt down team Cichociemni, who have been preying on weak crawlers. We need to break up the player killer groups before they get too strong, so we might join up with them.”

I shook the man’s hand, and I wished him luck. The group turned and left.

“They all lived,” Donut said. “Not those weirdos in the other quadrants, but all the ones in our quadrant made it.”

I reached over and scratched her head.

It was just me, Donut, Mongo, and Juice Box. A few dromedarians remained, rebuilding their town a short distance away. I watched as a pair of dromedarians on stilts worked to lift up a new wall.

“It’s not going to matter for them, is it?” Juice Box asked. She was currently in the form of a buzz-ard, and it was disconcerting talking to her like this. “This world isn’t real. All of that construction is for nothing. In a few hours, this will all cease to exist.”

I didn’t respond.

“I can’t lose them,” Juice Box added after a moment. “They’re all I have left. Remember our deal.”

“I will do my best,” I said. “I promise.”

The only quadrant in this whole bubble that still contained mobs was the water quadrant. Katia and Tran were down there. She’d announced they needed to train as much as they could, and they were going to go shark hunting.

Katia: By my calculations, the gate you just placed will open in five hours and four minutes.

I looked at the clock. The level would collapse in five hours and 27 minutes, giving us 23 minutes once the gate opened. Gates stayed open on their own for twenty minutes unless all three pieces of the gate went through them.

Carl: That’s cutting it pretty close.

Katia: Hey, it’s your plan, big guy.

Carl: True enough. Aren’t you going to miss this stuff?

Katia: Ask me in five and a half hours.

When we’d looted the letter and papers from Ghazi the mage, it’d contained more than just a group of coordinates. At the back was a list of scenarios that showed what would happen if different parts of the gate were brought through an open portal. The very last scenario showed a method of keeping the gate from unleashing a monster into the world. That required us to leave one watch on one side, another on the opening side, and the winding box inside the gate. It’d basically ruin the artifact, but it would make the portal safe.

But it was the second-to-last scenario that had intrigued me. If the first watch was left in the box, and it was taken through the portal, but the second watch remained on the opening side, it’d result in a feral god appearing on both sides of the portal.

The plan, as I loudly and happily explained was straightforward. We’d open a portal to the ninth floor, I’d keep the second watch, and we’d send Juice Box through with the rest. That would result in a feral god appearing on the ninth floor and hopefully trashing the area where it was summoned.

I remembered when Prince Stalwart had made his stupid little video after he’d killed Manasa the singer. He’d been in a castle overlooking a field of soldiers. This was right after the ninth floor had opened. Since there was only one pre-built castle on the faction wars playing field, we now knew in which of the nine locations where their army was located. Thanks to the book of coordinates, I knew exactly where to summon the gate.

Seven of the nine factions had sued to stop this from happening. They knew the armies weren’t yet strong enough to hold back an attack from a feral god, especially if a second god was summoned to their location. The ensuing chaos would be enough to flatten their fortifications and kill their armies.

“You’re just going to kill people like me,” Juice Box had said when I explained the plan to her. By this point, Louis had opened her eyes to the reality of her existence. She was now fully aware of who she was and of her place in this world. She was even more aware than Fire Brandy had been on the previous level. “If these people, these game masters are truly immortal in this place, then what’s the point? How is this a blow to them?”

I’d shrugged at the time. “If you were going to die no matter what, which would you prefer? Die as a puppet, or die while striking back against those who are doing this to you?”

“I suppose,” she’d said, but she didn’t seem convinced. Eventually, after Donut spent some time working on her, she agreed to the plan in exchange for a promise. A promise that I would attempt to bring her people with us down every floor from now on. I’d told her I’d do my best, but it would be difficult.

“I have seen you do the impossible,” she’d said. “I have faith. Just promise me you’ll try, and I will carry your box through the portal.”

In the distance, a mighty, monkey-like screech filled the lacuna, echoing strangely. This was far, far off. It was likely the feral god getting summoned over on Imani and Elle’s now-empty world.

“Carl, I’ve decided I don’t like giant monsters,” Donut announced. “I’ll be much happier when we’re done here.”

A second roar filled the darkness. This was a different sound. A different creature. A deeper roar. The sky rumbled and flashed a few times, like a distant thunderstorm.

The sky went from sheer darkness to a series of pyrotechnic flashes and bursts. Several seconds later, the sound of the clash reached us. The world rumbled under our feet.

“Whatever we summoned on Imani’s world also summoned a god,” I said, watching the distant lights. Since the feral god wasn’t protected by a bubble, whatever this was should be over soon.

Zev: Hello, crawlers.

Donut: HI ZEV!

Zev: Just so you know, there was yet another last-minute legal challenge to what you’re about to attempt. It, again, failed. They almost won the injunction, but the Valtay Corporation sent in an attorney to assist Borant’s position. They had some interesting legal arguments regarding you, Carl. Apparently, since you now own stock in a company based in the Skull Empire, the lawsuit needed to be filed in a different court. Taxpayers who are not in arrears are afforded different protections. It was enough to dismiss that last-minute effort.

Carl: Borant and the Valtay working together? Wow.

Zev: It’s no surprise since the sole plaintiff for this one was the Skull Empire, and even though we are currently at odds with the Valtay, neither entity is a big fan of the orcs.

I bit my lip, not allowing my sudden anger to bubble over into the chat. A lawsuit. A lawsuit because I was threatening their goddamn toy soldiers and imaginary fortifications. A goddamn lawsuit.

The ground rumbled again. Was that a third monster? It sounded like an angry bellow. Actual words being shouted. Thankfully it was still far off.

Zev: Anyway, I’ve been asked to pass on a message from my boss.

Carl: Okay. Let’s hear it.

Zev: This is directly from the politburo, who have recently replaced the board of directors as principal controllers of the Borant Corporation. This is a direct quote. “Crawler Carl and Donut. While we approve of what you are planning, we wish to make something clear. Game-breaking antics that directly affect sponsors will not be tolerated in the future.” That was the whole message. It came from the top.

I tried to suppress a grin. I copied the message and pasted it into my scratchpad just in case they decided to nuke the message string later. A deep sense of satisfaction replaced my anger. The goddamn mudskippers approved of what we were planning because it meant the other sponsors were going to lose a metric fuck ton of money, which would in turn force them to spend a ton more to make up for their losses. And since nobody could actually die on the ninth floor, it was all in good fun for everybody involved. Something everybody would laugh about after it was all over and done with. After all, it was just money, right?

Carl: Tell them I said fuck you very much, and if they don’t want the game “broken” maybe they shouldn’t give us the tools to break it.

Zev: Crawler, you know such language is not acceptable. Best of luck to you.

Donut: BYE, ZEV!

Almost as soon as the message from Zev ended, we received another message.

Gideon: Hey, uh, Carl and Donut?

Donut: OMG HI GIDEON!

Gideon was a crawler who was pretty active in the chats. I’d only met him once. He was some sort of human tank class. I couldn’t remember his details. We hadn’t needed to save him because his team had popped their bubble early. He’d been there during the last fight on the previous floor, and I knew the man could handle himself. I couldn’t remember where he was from. Donut liked him because he’d once said he was allergic to dogs.

Carl: Gideon, you shouldn’t be out here. Go down the stairs.

Gideon: I’m about to go down, but I wanted to warn you. Two god things just rolled past my world while beating the shit out of each other. One was a giant, hairless gorilla thing, and the other, I think the real god, was a snake with the head of a bald guy. Kinda looked like Woody Harrelson. You know, the guy from Cheers?

Donut: HE WAS IN THE ZOMBIE MOVIE I LIKED. THE ONE ABOUT TWINKIES.

Gideon: Yeah, so the Woody Harrelson god killed the monkey god, and they both disappeared. But just before he killed him, he threw the gorilla against one of the bubbles with a monster inside. I could see the bubble pop from here, and the monster got out. I think it might be headed in your direction. It’s carrying a very large whip.

That new, third roar filled the world again. It was definitely shouting something, getting closer.

This was a deep, beefy voice. I couldn’t tell if it was male or female, though it reminded me of the Hoarder boss. It sounded absolutely irate.

“It’s a woman,” Donut said after a moment. “She really needs a throat lozenge or something. She sounds like she’s been smoking nonstop since she was a baby.”

The feral god cried again, and this time I could understand what she was saying.

“Psamathe,” she screamed. “Samantha! I can smell you! I know you escaped! You may be hiding, but I will find you, you worthless little whore!”

“Uh oh,” Donut said. “That doesn’t sound good.”

I was about to send a message to Katia, telling her to abort everything and to get to a stairwell when I received a surprising notification.

You have received a Platinum Emergency Benefactor Box from your sponsor, The Open Intellect Pacifist Action Network, Intergalactic NFC.

“Samantha!” the massive feral god shouted. In the distance, I caught sight of a pair of batlike, beating wings. The creature stood atop that distant, glowing bubble. It was only in silhouette, but the shape was of a fat creature, overflowing with rolls of flesh and with no neck. The thing wasn’t nearly as big as the other gods, not even close, but it was still huge. It carried a sparkling whip that crackled with lightning. “Samantha,” it howled as it approached.

Not a god. A demon. A feral demon. It would be here in minutes.

“If it gets too close, go down the stairs, Donut,” I yelled, and I sprinted back toward Hump Town. I needed to open the goddamn loot box.

~

Mordecai: A platinum emergency box? Are you shitting me? Do you know how much that had to cost? That had to be more than the GDP of some star systems. That had to be the most expensive box in the game’s history!

Carl: Yeah, my first instinct was to abort everything and run down the stairs, but I figured we might as well look at it. Whoever these guys are, they must want this plan to go smoothly.

I actually felt bad, especially if these pacifist assholes were truly trying to help. If they were counting on my plan going exactly as I said it’d go, they were about to be disappointed.

Mordecai: You should forget this nonsense and run down the stairs anyway.

Carl: What does Samantha say?

Mordecai: You can ask her directly now that she’s hired. You’ll have to approve the chat in the menu.

I clicked through, and sure enough, there was an option to add staff members. I clicked it as I rushed through the doors of the closest intact pub. This was a saferoom in what had once been Weird Shit Alley. The whole town was unrecognizable.

I could see that Donut had already approved her to chat and changed her name from Psamathe to Samantha. Knowing Donut, she’d probably already gotten the minor god-turned-sex doll’s life story out of her.

Carl: Samantha, who is that fat demon with wings and a whip?

I jumped into my menu and clicked on boxes.

Samantha: A WHIP? DOES SHE LOOK LIKE AN UNCIRCUMCISED GNOME PENIS?

Carl: Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. She doesn’t have a neck.

Samantha: I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE SHE IS. YOU JUST BRING ME OUTSIDE, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT. I WILL KILL HER AND HER MOTHER. BITCH CAN’T HANDLE ME.

Carl: Jesus, did Donut show you the caps lock key?

Samantha: LET ME FIGHT HER! I CAN TAKE THE FAT BITCH DOWN!

The platinum sponsor box opened with a ridiculous amount of fanfare. A group of cogs and wheels turned, spitting confetti all over the place. The dromedarians all turned to watch. This better not be another goddamn vegetable.

A single object popped out. It was just a curved piece of wicker basket, though it glowed with enchantment. I just stared at it. I extended my xistera, and sure enough, the device slid easily onto the scoop. I wouldn’t be able to retract it like this, but the item’s purpose was clear.

Carl: You really want to fight her?

Samantha: I’LL KILL HER.

Carl: You’re about to get your chance.

I rushed to the door of the personal space. The main room was trashed thanks to all the kids, but finally empty except for Mordecai, who sat on the couch watching some goddamn television show. The cleaner bot beeped mournfully at me as I rushed past and burst into the training room. I grabbed Samantha, and I bolted for the door.

“Don’t take her outside,” Mordecai yelled at me, alarmed. “You’ll summon another god if she goes outside!”

I ignored him as I rushed through the door, holding onto the cackling sex doll by the hair.

~

“Carl, why’d you bring her out here?” Donut cried. “And what is that on your arm?”

“It’s on! It’s time for me to bring the pain!” Samantha squealed. “Where are you at, you rank whore!”

“I smell you! You’re here!” the massive demon squealed, the voice distressingly close.

I looked about, trying to see where the giant monster had gone. “Where the hell is the monster?”

A high-pitched, crackling noise filled the air, like the sound of incoming artillery.

“Watch out!” I cried, preparing to hit my shield. I paused, seeing the attack would miss.

The whip was actually a chain, similar to what Li Na used. Each individual link was about the size of a semi-truck. The chain glowed with electricity. It came from below, arcing up into the air, unfurling like a snake. It crashed down heavily into the bowl, a half a mile away. The chain slammed across the desert, cleaving through the rock as if it was butter and cutting deep into the temple below. An edge of the already-collapsed bowl started to slide away. The ground rumbled. Juice Box transformed into a turtle. She jumped atop the winding box, keeping it safe and in place.

That wouldn’t matter if the whole temple collapsed. I eyed the stairwell, just a few feet away.

“You missed, you crazy bitch!” Samantha shrieked. “It’s not my fault your man likes me more than you! He told me you smell like the asshole of a Felch demon! He says he’d rather fornicate with a razor elemental than stick it in you ever again!”

Katia: What the hell is going on up there?

Donut: GIRL FIGHT! GIRL FIGHT!

Carl: Stay put. Don’t move!

The massive head rose over the horizon, glaring directly at us. The monstrosity glowed with purple light. On either side of the head, the tops of black, leathery wings rose.

I had no idea what an uncircumcised gnome penis looked like, but at that moment, I was quite certain Samantha’s description had been accurate. The head was a pink, fleshy dome, yet somehow also covered in scales, like the thing was a lizard/mammal hybrid. Scattered, black hairs criss-crossed the thing’s head. Twin, reptilian eyes stared at us. I knew a guy who once had a pet bearded dragon, and the eyes reminded me of that thing. A jagged, teeth-filled mouth spread across the demon, and a red tongue flitted out. The stench of unfiltered cigarettes filled the world, almost choking.

The monster was slathered in so much mascara, eyeshadow, and lipstick, it made Samantha’s makeup seem subtle. Bruise-colored eyeshadow rose from each eye, reaching to the patchy hairline. Lipstick, thick like knee-deep spackle surrounded her giant mouth. The stuff fell off in massive clumps as she grimaced. Each cheek was painted equally red, swirls like the storm on Jupiter.

The damn head was the size of a sports arena, which was ridiculously huge, but small compared even to Emberus. That didn’t seem so important right now.

Slit. Feral Minor Demon. Level 200.

One of the many demons captured and tossed into the Nothing during the original Ascendency, Slit never wanted to be caught up in all that royal drama, but what can you do? When you’re in love, you’d do just about anything for your man.

Eons in the madness have taken a terrible toll on Slit’s sanity and sense of self-worth.

“Samantha,” Slit croaked. “You are so dead.”

“Oh, this bitch. I know which one this is. Quick, give me a weapon,” Samantha said.

“A weapon? You can’t move,” I said. I shoved her face-first into the round slot. She fit perfectly.

The way the accessory was described left no doubt as to what they wanted me to do. I just hoped it would actually work.

Enchanted Xistera Extension Slot. Head-throwing attachment.

This is a unique item!

This item was created especially for Crawler Carl by The Open Intellect Pacifist Action Network, Intergalactic NFC.

Attaches to the end of a xistera. Allows for the tossing of a head.

This special edition head tosser is specially made to fit decapitated love doll heads.

When tossing a head of a withering spirit, the distance traveled will be greatly enhanced. (500 meters x Strength.)

Tossed head will be magically returned once the extension slot is removed from xistera.

“You have daggers in your inventory! Stick one in my mouth! I need to cut the bitch!”

Slit the demon reared back, ready to slam her chain whip down once again.

“No time, sorry,” I said. I turned 90 degrees, and I chucked Samantha with all of my might. She rocketed away, screaming that she was going to kill my mother.

Slit screamed in rage and turned to follow.

My unenhanced strength was 75. With all of my gear and buffs, it was well over 100. I’d just tossed her over 50 kilometers away. The fat demon took a few moments to gather steam, but her wings flapped, and soon she was booking it out into the lacuna.

“That was mighty convenient that they had that box ready to go,” Donut said, watching the giant demon chase after the head. The strange demon was wearing some leather-like S&M outfit, something one of those tuskling dominatrixes would wear, but somehow more trashy. It was covered in dangly, sequoia-sized tassels. Her large body sloshed like gelatin as her wings worked overtime to keep her frame aloft. She chased the head off into the darkness, howling. The cigarette stench remained, overpowering the smell of the burning turkey.

“No,” I said. “They had it ready to go for another purpose, probably on the next floor,” I said. “They’d been forced to send it now.”

“What do you mean?” Donut asked.

“Watch,” I said.

As Slit chased after the head, the sky cracked open. Something else appeared. This was yet another god, someone I hadn’t seen before. It was too distant to properly examine. I couldn’t quite make its features, but this was one of the physically huge ones. It had multiple arms.

I was expecting it to go after Samantha. It did not. It turned and plucked Slit up, holding the fat, squirming demon like someone would pick up a small rodent. And just like that, it ripped the feral demon in two. Even at this distance, I could hear the sound of tearing flesh. Slit shrieked as gore showered everywhere. Her chain whip dropped away, crashing heavily. A moment passed, and then both the god and the corpse disappeared.

“What was that?” Donut asked. “Carl, why are you summoning all these giant monsters?”

“Samantha was always going to summon a deity once we took her outside. This extension thing was supposed to be a prize similar to a celestial grenade. They’d likely had it made to give to us on the next floor. I guess they figured protecting us now was more important.”

I looked up into the air. “Thanks for saving us,” I said. “I don’t know how much it cost, but I hope it was worth it.” I pulled the xistera extension off, and I pulled it into my inventory.

Carl: You good?

Katia: It was very sloshy for a minute, but we’re calming down. Everything is good. It got those concierge sharks all riled up.

Carl: I’m only expecting one more attack before we’re done. That one shouldn’t be as seismic.

Samantha popped into existence at my feet, screaming. “Not fair! Not fair! You tell my mother to get back here! That was my kill!” We just stared down at her as she continued to moan and growl. “Throw me again. Maybe that’ll bring her back!”

“That god thing was your mother?” Donut finally asked.

“I’m going to kill her,” Samantha said.

“Wait,” I said. “Wasn’t your dad the one who sent you into the Nothing?”

“Yeah. He was mad at me for having a baby with my king. But my mom was banging him too, so she got mad. Jealous bitch. She said she was going to kill me if I ever got out, but she killed that bitch instead. She never keeps her promises. Parents not keeping their promises is the number one cause of childhood trauma, you know.”

I looked at Donut. “Do you think that god was sponsored? I wished we could have seen her.” Was it possible the “pacifist” group had also paid to sponsor a deity? I picked Samantha back up. I needed to get her back into the personal space. Our access would close when there was only an hour left.

“Why was that demon mad at you?” Donut asked.

“She thought I had sex with her king.”

“Did you?” Donut asked.

“Ew,” Samantha said. “Gross.”

“Then why did she think that?”

“Oh, she’s part of some demon harem thing. I was talking about my sexual exploits with my king, and she thought I was talking about her king. She got all belligerent. I don’t like confrontation, as you well know, but she made me mad. So I told her that her king and I had all sorts of weird sex. You wouldn’t believe how mad that made her and all of her sisters.”

“How many sisters does she have?” I asked, suddenly concerned.

“The Nothing is filled with the harem. They all hate me.” She laughed. “Anytime one of them gets out, that’ll probably happen, so get used to it. Slit was only one of the little ones. Her sister Gash is the one you really need to look out for.”

Juice Box stood, back in human form. In the distance, more of the bowl caved in where it had been cleaved in two. For the first time since I’d met the changeling, she looked frazzled.

“I’m starting to regret agreeing to help you,” she said.

~

Time to level collapse: 1 hour.

Warning: All access to Safe Rooms is now closed.

We’d been waiting for a few hours now, just sitting there while Juice Box changed form to entertain us. After the appearance of the demon, the following hours of silence were jarring.

Juice Box was actually being super helpful, showing us forms of monsters I’d never heard of and then showing me the best way to kill them. Some of these monsters were listed in the cookbook, but for many of them, the weaknesses weren’t noted. I was taking notes of everything.

Each time she changed, Juice Box reverted to her buzz-ard form before forming into something else. The creature had a special hunting ability that could find creatures hidden in the sand.

Eventually, I got sick of waiting. We were running out of time.

“I know you’re there, Maggie. I don’t know what you’re waiting for. If you want to talk, come on out.”

A full minute of silence followed. But then the voice came. “They told me about the potion,” Chris—Maggie—called from their hiding place. A chill washed over me.

It sounded as if they were directly below me, which startled me. It was muffled, but still super close, almost like the voice was whispering in my ear.

It was why nobody had been able to find them. Rock creatures all came with camouflage abilities. It turned out Chris had the ability to burrow into sand dunes and disappear.

“Yeah,” I said. I slowly moved away. Next to me, Mongo squawked. Juice Box took flight, pointing downward. They were actually several feet away from where the voice was coming from. Another ability? Donut moved to jump atop the dinosaur.

I continued, talking loudly. “I got this weird yam thing in a sponsor box, and at first, our manager guy couldn’t figure it out. I don’t know if you saw what happened earlier, but that Samantha doll head that was out here? She helped him figure it out. It actually has multiple uses. The yam thing grows in lava or magma or something. I honestly don’t remember what the difference is between the two. But anyway, the yam can either be used for a type of special ink for scrolls, or it can be used for a few different lava-themed potions. It can be a special type of healing scroll for lava rock monsters like Chris, or it can be used as a phase potion for people to be able to easily pass through lava rock. And that’s what Mordecai made for us. A Phase Lava Rock potion. Once I take it, you won’t be able to touch me. Chris’s arms will go right through me.”

Juice Box indicated they were moving. They’d been slowly, slowly creeping through the sand in full camouflage mode. Juice Box had sensed their presence an hour ago, and she’d quietly pointed it out to us. I wouldn’t be able to do anything until they revealed themselves.

My pulse quickened. We didn’t have Katia here with her special bolt. This was it.

“They have my other daughter, Carl. They’re going to bring her back. They’re going to turn her into a monster and make someone kill her if I don’t do this. I can’t let it happen.”

“They’re doing this to all of us,” I said, slowly sliding along the sand. “We all lost someone, Maggie. We could’ve worked together. You got misled. I regret what happened with Yvette. But you’re focusing your anger on the wrong people.”

“You don’t understand,” she replied after a moment. “I’m not angry anymore.” They had to move very slowly to keep from being detected. She could throw her voice, and she made it seem like she was stalking me, but I wasn’t the target. The winding box was. They’re going to try to move it, or drop it down into the temple below. They only needed to move it five feet.

“Chris is a good guy,” I said, slowly moving away from the sand dune. The Phase Lava Rock potion only lasted a minute, so I didn’t want to take it too soon. “He didn’t do anything to you, and you’re torturing him.”

“You should just go down the stairs,” Maggie said. “I’m sorry it has come to this. I was so angry, so blinded by what you’d done. I wasn’t a bad person before this. I swear I wasn’t. But I have to protect my family, no matter what. I thought it was done when I killed Frank, but I was wrong. When the caprid came to us in the rest area, it told me it’d help if we killed you.”

Caprid? Prepotente? That didn’t make sense. She had to be talking about another creature.

Maggie suddenly shouted. “Fuck your warnings. If it’s legal to happen, then it’s legal to say out loud. Fuck all of you. What’re you going to do, accelerate me? Now?”

I realized she was talking to the AI. Or someone else.

“He’s a cleric. A goat thing. A liason. He said I have to stop you, or…” She stopped talking.

Carl: I think she’s lost her ability to speak.

Donut: SHE’S STILL THERE. SHE’S GOING TO TAKE THE BOX.

Carl: Katia, how much time is left?

Katia: Ten minutes, give or take.

Carl: It’s close enough.

“Maggie,” I called. I edged closer to the box, positioning myself just behind them. “I hope you can hear me. I’m sorry it’s come to this. That doesn’t mean we can forget what happened, but I’m sorry how everything played out. You got dealt a shitty hand, and that really sucks. I’ll let you...”

Chris erupted out of the ground next to the winding box. I slammed onto the phase potion. I rushed toward the lava rock creature as he picked up the box out of the ground, and he hurled it as hard as he could. It sailed through the air in the same direction I’d tossed the Samantha head. The door atop the box ripped open, and the two watches went flying in different directions.

The phase potion made it so I could move through both lava and lava rock. I reached forward, fingers open, right into Chris’s head. I grasped until I felt it there, lodged in his brain. The worm was the size of my palm, the only part of his body that was solid, and it felt like an uneven, squirming sausage. I thought of that god crushing Slit the demon.

I pulled. I was expecting it to explode in my hand. I was phased, but it wasn’t. But it didn’t die. Instead, it bit my palm and started to burrow even as I retracted my hand.

“Gah,” I cried, pulling my hand to my chest. Chris collapsed in front of me. I reached to grab the tail end of the long, black worm with my left hand, but I missed, and it burrowed inside. I felt her there, in my arm, moving through my body, like a sub diving below the waterline. She disappeared.

“Shit, shit,” I cried. I scrambled into my inventory. There. I waited the two more seconds on my potion countdown, and I slammed on the double-healing potion. The same one I’d used to cure my parasitic infection on the third floor. Mordecai had said this would work, but only if I drank it before she got to my brain. And she’d get there fast.

The last time I’d taken the potion, I’d vomited out the parasites. This time, she came right out of my goddamn neck, bursting forth like I’d been shot by a sniper. Blood showered as she rocketed out of me. It felt as if I’d been hit with a hammer. She thrashed, her health in the red with Poisoned pulsing over her. Blood spewed from the hole in my neck. I moved to stomp her down, but before I could get her, Mongo jumped forward and grabbed her.

“Chew,” I croaked as I clenched my hand against the massive neck wound. I tried to click Heal. You’ve been rendered Woozy! You ain’t clicking shit right now! Nighty-Night.

Before I passed out, I watched Mongo gleefully crunch down on the form of the intellect hunter worm, ripping the tiny crawler into mulch and thus ending the saga of Frank Q and Maggie My.

~

I was only unconscious for about two minutes. Donut healed me using a scroll. I awakened to find her sitting over me worriedly. Chris sat nearby, hand on his rocky head. He, too, had been healed by Donut.

“That hurt,” he said.

“Ditto,” I groaned.

Carl: Hey Imani. He’s safe. It worked. We’ll get him to you on the next floor.

Mongo vomited the corpse of Maggie and then ate it again.

“Wait,” I gasped. “We need to loot her inventory.”

“I got it all the first time he barfed her up. She had a lot of stuff,” Donut said.

“Give it to Chris,” I said, falling onto my back.

“What do you mean? She has a lot of hats in here. Why does a worm need hats? What does Chris need with a bunch of hats? I collect hats. I feel strongly I should be able to keep them.”

Carl: Time?

Katia: Two minutes. Are you okay?

Shit, shit. Show time.

Carl: Maggie is dead. Chris is safe. Make sure you’re anchored. How about Tran? Is he safe?

Katia: He’s already away. He and Gwen’s team have gone down the stairs.

Juice Box was back in human form and holding one of the watches that Chris had tossed.

“What is this?” she asked, turning it over. “This isn’t my brother’s watch.”

It was a facsimile, one of the ones I’d made long ago to trick the dirigible gnomes. Katia had actually made the facsimile winding box. She’d made it while pretending to learn how to use the engineering table. She was much better at fabricating shapes than I was. She’d made the box in pieces and had assembled it all within her own inventory. We’d exchanged the pieces, facsimile and real when we’d hugged at the Desperado Club.

“Plan is changed,” I said to Juice Box, talking rapidly. I grabbed her by her shoulders. My head still swam, and my neck ached. “You need to go. Now. The gate will be open in a few moments, but it’ll only be open for twenty minutes. Don’t worry about bringing anything with you. We’re not sending a god to the ninth floor. Not this time. We’re actually keeping the gate. This isn’t going to be a one-time thing, not by a long shot. But I still want you to go to Larracos. You need to stay hidden, but you need to tell the others what you know. Do you understand? We’re not done with you yet. By the time we get there, I want all the survivors to know what they really are. Do you understand?”

The changeling prostitute couldn’t find the words. “What?... Where’s the gate?”

“You can emulate a shark, right?” I asked. “Turn into a bird, and fly. Fly as fast as you can, over the lip and then down into the water. The location will be pretty obvious in a few minutes. It’s on this side. Hurry.”

She kissed me on the cheek. “Watch over my people. We have a deal. And keep him safe, too. I love him.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Louis,” she said. “We’re going to be married.”

A few days back I had been chased by a massive, two-headed puppy, and I’d crashed an airplane into the face of a god. I watched a talking goat snuggle up with a vampire after they killed the universe’s largest turkey. I’d just chucked a haunted sex doll head fifty kilometers in order to settle a girl fight between that same head and a makeup-encrusted demon the size of a small town. I’d just reached into the head of a rock monster in order to pluck a parasitic worm from his head.

And yet, despite all of this, what she’d just said was the most astounding thing I’d heard since this floor started. I looked at her like had she slugs crawling from her nostrils. “Louis?” I asked. “Our Louis? Are you serious?”

The scowl she gave me told me that was deadly serious.

“Remember your promise!” she said, not waiting for me to stop. She leaped to the air, and she formed into a skyfowl. She rocketed away. In seconds, she was gone. I rubbed my eyes, and I took a deep breath.

“Louis?” Donut said. “Carl, the whole world has gone insane.”

A groan turned our attention back to Chris, who was just sitting there in a daze.

“Brandon,” Chris finally said, lowering his head. “Brandon.”

That sobered me up. I kneeled down before the man, and I placed my hand on his leg, which was burning hot. “Your brother died saving the lives of a lot of people. We’ll do this next part in his honor, okay?”

~

Time to level collapse: 21 minutes.

Katia: The gate is open. Those timed charges you made gut sucked in. I dropped the chum bomb nearby just before, and it worked really well. The sharks are also slurping right in, and they’re already in their feeding frenzy. Hopefully the bombs went off before the sharks got there. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Some of those pain amplifier jellies are getting pulled in, too.

Carl: Okay. Good job. Get to the stairs. Tell me when you’re out and away. Hurry.

It was going to be tough for her to move through the water with the pull of the current draining into the lowest level of the city of Larracos, but she’d anchored herself to the rocky wall of the temple. She was going to use the subterranean stairwell to exit, as there was an entrance right there near the shelf where the Akula had been parked. This was the most dangerous part for her, and I was worried, but she insisted she’d be able to do it no problem.

For the next twenty minutes, the inverted cone of the city of Larracos would be filled with a rush of water. The gate opened right inside the faction market. There was probably a drainage system, but it would be temporarily overwhelmed. The bombs would explode moments after they arrived, leveling the market and scattering the shoppers and shopkeepers. And then the sharks would come. If Katia’s math was correct, and the map she’d made was accurate, more than half of the city would be submerged by the time the gate closed. The only parts that would be spared were the upper levels, the NPC residences.

The onslaught of water and bombs and sharks and other mobs would be sudden, violent, destructive, and nowhere near where they thought it would be.

Zev: Oh my god, Carl. They are enraged. This is not what you promised.

Zev had dropped any semblance of her good little citizen of the Party persona.

Carl: I promised nothing.

Zev: If you fill Larracos with water and mobs, it’s going to kill all the NPCs. The markets will be flooded. The mercenaries will be killed. If you kill the NPCs at the entrance bar, access to the Desperado Club will be cut off. The sponsors won’t have entry to the Club to gamble. They won’t be able to get to the markets where they can buy the magical gear. Borant depends on that money. The sponsors need that market to outfit their troops.

Carl: Oh, I’m sure they’ll patch it. That water’ll drain right out. It might take a few days since there’s some sharks mixed in there, but it’ll be fine.

Zev: No, Carl. You know this. We can’t add new worker NPCs once a level is created. Mobs, yes, but NPCs? That’s written into the rules. We can’t just replace the shopkeepers. The food market for the troops was down there, too.

I did, indeed, know all of this. That was the point.

Carl: Whoops. My bad.

Zev: If they want to fix this, they’ll have to get the Syndicate to vote on it. And they won’t have the votes. And even if they did, they’ll have to get the AI on board, and that’s not going to happen. The whole system is already spiraling, and it’s the earliest this has ever happened.

I’d killed people today, innocent people. A lot of innocent people.

But they were all NPCs, and none of them were former crawlers, and that’s what mattered to me. Former crawlers with contracts like Mordecai were valuable. They didn’t waste them in a city that was razed every season. Still, there was no sugarcoating what I’d done.

We didn’t have time for moral debates. I was doing them a favor. And while the emotional abuse of NPCs such as little Bonnie had been enough to nearly break my sense of resolve, the knowledge that I’d just saved those NPCs the horror of having to endure a bloody conflict that would end in their inevitable deaths anyway was enough to ease any concern at what I’d done.

Priestly had fallen into that trap, caring so much that it had paralyzed him into inaction. It had finally broken him. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake.

A distant part of me was alarmed at this attitude. But this was war, and there was no use pretending like it wasn’t.

Zev continued to breathlessly rant. It was finally dawning on me that her astonishment and outrage was actually an act, and what she really was doing was relaying crucial information to us. She was practically giddy and was barely containing it. She and Donut were talking somehow. Likely via the social media board, but I didn’t dare ask, not even using the magical paper we had hanging in the bathroom.

Borant’s outrage at what had really happened was testament to the idea that they hadn’t caught on to our method of communication. I’d been half certain that they’d known what Donut, Katia, and I had been meticulously planning for days. Even Mordecai didn’t know all the details.

Zev: Half of them had their armies hidden in the city, so they wouldn’t get hurt by the god. I’m sure plenty will get out, but you don’t know what you’ve done. You’ve killed thousands. Tens of thousands. Who knows what the playing field is going to look like when it settles.

Carl: I’m sure it’ll be wonderful for the ratings.

Zev: There’ll be consequences.

Carl: Probably. But tell them they approved this. We didn’t cheat. We used the tools they gave us. Also, say they’re gonna want to wait to see what happens next before they decide to, you know, accelerate me or throw me into the disposal unit or whatever. I know they’re in real danger of losing control of the season. Whoever ends up in control of the next floor is going to make a lot of money.

Zev: What do you mean?

Carl: Just watch.

I closed out the message.

Katia: I’m out. Going down the stairs now.

Donut: BYE KATIA!

Carl: Okay. I’m adding Chris to the party so he travels with us. See you on the other side. Good job today.

Katia: Good luck with class selection.

“I’m sad we’re not going on Odette’s show this time,” Donut said as we walked to the stairwell. Chris walked ahead of us, head down. Mordecai was ranting and raving at me over the chat, but I tuned him out.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “If I know Odette, she’ll probably have us on in a day or two.”

“Do you think Juice Box made it?” Donut asked. “It didn’t let me add her to my chat like it does with Sledgie and Mordecai.”

“She made it,” I said. “She’s had a hard life, and she’s a tough lady. Plus, she’s in love. That gives people strength.”

Mordecai: And I don’t care how much that ring is valued at. Time is up. I want you to toss it before you go down the stairs.

Carl: Mordecai, you really need to chill, you know that?

Mordecai: Carl. Son. You don’t know the forces you’re dealing with. You can’t tempt fate like this. You only made it this far because you’re making them a lot of money. But you just kicked them in the financial balls. Do you think that’s going to stand?

Carl: Hey, I got my sponsor to purchase that box, didn’t I? I think they got a deity sponsorship, too. That has to be worth something.

Mordecai: You can’t fight a war like this and expect to win.

Donut: DON’T BE MEAN TO CARL, MORDECAI. HE DIDN’T DO IT ALONE. WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

Donut didn’t know how correct she was. I wasn’t nearly as alone as I once thought I was. I pulled the xistera extension from my inventory, and I examined it again. I ran my finger over the wicker-like substance, rubbing the tiny inscription on the side.

Made for Crawler Carl by the Open Intellect Pacifist Action Network, Intergalactic NFC with design approval by CEO and president of Outreach Operations, Dr. P. Hu.

I put the head-tosser away, and I pulled the Ring of Divine Suffering out of my inventory. I held it up to the meager light. It was one of the most sought-after items by the treasure hunters.

“Are they still going to hunt us if they can’t sell on the market?” Donut asked.

“I’m sure,” I said. “They’re going to want everything we have. Not just the ring, but the gate, too. Can you imagine how powerful that’ll be on the battlefield? There’s two different marketplaces. There’s the Desperado Club market where the hunters sell their wares, and there’s the online one where the crawlers sell using the kiosk. The kiosk ones are trashed. Crawlers use the interface, but the faction wars guys have to actually go down to a merchant and buy it. They get kicked out of the city once the fighting starts, so they have to buy it all while we’re on the sixth through eighth floors. Mordecai was telling us about it the other day. Those merchants are probably all dead. So no more buying from crawlers.”

“But Zev said they can’t get into the Desperado Club anymore, so they can’t buy from the bounty hunters, either.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” I said. “It’ll probably be closed for a while. But what I’m guessing is going to happen is that each of the factions are quickly deciding whether or not to send someone down to the sixth floor to collect stuff manually and buy stuff from the other hunters while they're there. We didn’t wipe out all the armies, but we wiped out most of their ability to get more gear, and we upset the power structure. They’re scrambling now, wondering how they’re going to outfit their soldiers. There’s only one feasible way. Either they don’t outfit them, or they risk sending their own people down to the sixth floor. I could be wrong, but I suspect it’s going to be crowded down there.”

If my father was here, he'd call it "seeding the pond."

We paused at the entrance to the stairwell. Chris entered and didn’t look back. Poor guy. There were five minutes left. I looked about one last time. A few hundred meters away, Dromedarians continued to fix their city. I sighed.

“So we’re just going to have more hunters down there,” Donut said. “The kill, kill, kill lady said the hunters can also collect bounties, and you’re worth a lot now. Everyone is going to be coming after us.”

After the last recap episode, Lucia Mar had finally fallen off the number one spot. Donut was sitting at number four, Prepotente was three, Lucia was two, and I was number one.

“That’s exactly what I’m hoping for.”

“I don’t like people hunting us, Carl.”

I patted her on the head. “Once the sixth floor opens, they’ll be locked in there with us.” I tossed the ring in the air, and I caught it. I looked up into the sky, ending all pretense that I was actually saying this to just Donut.

“You guys see this thing? I’ll tell you what. If you want it, it’s yours. It’s right here. Come and get it, motherfuckers. Actually, you know what? I have a better idea. No need to come to me because I’ll be coming to you. That’s my pledge to you and to everyone else watching this. By the time the sixth floor collapses, every single hunter who dares to set foot on the same floor as us will be dead. This I swear on my life. One by one, I will break you. I will break you all.”

Donut, Mongo, and I stepped into the stairwell.

Epilogue.

“How much money, exactly, have we spent so far?” the woman asked. “The man is insane. Did you hear that? He’s absolutely insane.”

“It’s best if you don’t know,” Dr. Hu replied.

“It’s best if people don’t question how a small NFC can afford this. It’s best if they don’t ask why.”

“We’re well past that,” Dr. Hu said. “We’re going all-in on him.”

“He’s unstable. He’s going to die at any moment. And even if he doesn’t, the AI is going primal and is liable to kill the entire planet before they even hit the ninth floor. The Valtay are sticking their nose into everything, and the Kua-Tin underground are going to start a bloody civil war any day now. King Rust’s children are all trying to murder each other, and Princess D’Nadia is probably going to do something stupid, too. Plus this human is not nearly as clever as you think he is. You should have included instructions with the yam. They wasted half of it on saving that other crawler.”

“He knows what it’s really for.”

“Does he? I’m not so sure.”

“My dear, he’s already shaken everything up. Even if he fails, it’s already a success. Every time he goes on that Odette’s show, more people sign up for the cause.”

“They sign up for his cause. Not ours.”

“It’s the same cause.”

“He’s going to die, Porthus. He’s never going to make it past the sixth floor.”

“That’s what you said about the fifth floor,” Dr. Hu said.

~




*ded*
There's another part to the epilogue, and I'll re-post it in a few days. It's a reworked version of the xmas special.

When I prepare this book for publication, I will likely edit it down quite a bit. I'm also going to scatter those cookbook entries and perhaps add a few more, especially from the original guy, Porthus the Rogue, the first recipient, who will become a very important character in the overall story arc along with his mysterious female friend, who may or may not be someone we've already met.



Moving on to floor six.