Chapter 53 (And a question for the patrons!) (Patreon)

Sorry in advance for the cliffhanger ending to this chapter. It's a natural place to end the chapter, though. Also, completely unrelated to this chapter, I have a question for my favorite patrons. 

If you were an Intergalactic citizen, and you happened to be in the audience of a talk show where they were interviewing Donut and Carl, and the audience was allowed to ask questions and/or make comments, what question would you ask? Thanks in advance!  

Chapter 53
 

Donut took out the sleeping lemur with a magic missile. We waited five minutes to see if anything would react, but only silence followed. In those moments as we waited, I could hear it, the distant whisper of a calliope, playing slow and haunting circus music. Once I was relatively certain the watchers were gone, we approached the three dead crawlers. 

As we came closer, it was apparent there was enough blood and guts to comprise five or six crawlers. Like with the brindle grubs, the X’s disappeared if the bodies were significantly destroyed. It seemed there’d been a large-scale battle here, and I suspected they’d taken out several of the lemurs, too, but their bodies had already been removed. As I suspected, the three crawlers had been left as a trap.

Of the three I could easily examine, two were human and one was a large, tree-like creature. I’d had that on my list, but I couldn’t remember the name. When I examined the corpse, it didn’t tell us their new races. All three were women.

Crawler Grace Bautista 3. Level 8. Killed by Former Circus Lemur.

All of them appeared Asian, maybe Filipino. All had the same last name. All were level 8. All killed by lemurs. Grace, Nica, and Lea. None of them had any inventory, meaning some of their group were probably still alive.

“That one, the tree lady is wearing an anklet,” Donut said. “And this one has two rings.” 

Sure enough, as I examined the corpses more closely, I could tell they’d been looted hastily. Their inventory was gone, and their weapons and armor appeared to have been removed, leaving them in regular street clothes—all except the tree woman, who was naked save for the anklet. Whatever had transpired here had happened quickly. These three were sisters or close family members, and all three had died at the same time. I shook my head. Fuck this game.

The tree creature was humanoid but with a badly misshapen body. She was closer to an Ent from Lord of the Rings than Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy. But even that comparison wasn’t correct. Her facial features remained human, but she’d been bent over and hunchbacked with an extra set of limbs erupting from her back. 

It took a few minutes to pry the anklet from her ankle, which is likely why they’d abandoned it. I also pulled the two rings off the fingers of the second one, the human named Nica. 

Both of the rings were +2 to strength. Since Donut couldn’t wear them, I rubbed the blood off put them on myself, giving me a total of four rings. And just like that, my strength was back to an acceptable level. I didn’t take any joy from looting the corpses of fellow crawlers, but I now realized how much of an advantage it was to be in an area where other crawlers existed. I could see the allure of being a player killer. This game gave a lot of loot. 

I examined the simple anklet. It appeared to be made of wood. It had three little beads attached to it that clicked when I shook it, like seed pods. It wasn’t nearly as loud as Donut’s charm, but anything that made noise was a distraction.   

Enchanted Anklet of the Fallen Oak.

Imbues wearer with +1 Dexterity, +1 Constitution, and gives +3 to the skill Double Tap. It’s also an anklet. One would think anklets enhance the beauty of feet like toe rings do, but they are excessive, jangly distractions that make you look too garish. 

“Let’s see if it’ll let you wear this,” I said. I suspected it would. She already had one bracelet wrapped around her forward leg. I could barely see it through all the fur. 

Donut looked at the anklet with distaste. “Wood?” she said. “What is this, the 70’s? Anklets are for the foot model, not me.”

The AI clearly didn’t want me wearing this thing, but I wasn’t going to say that out loud. “It has a constitution buff. You need it.” 

She sighed and pulled it into her inventory. “I’ll put it on my back leg so nobody will see it.” 

It appeared in a blink, forming around her rear left ankle. It was a fourth the size as it was before, and it remained hidden in the tufts of fur. She shook her leg a few times with distaste. Thankfully the little beads barely made any noise. If we kept her hair brush buff active, her Constitution was now seven. It was still much too low for my tastes. 

“Read the description of that Double Tap skill and tell me what it does” I said. 

She shrugged. “It says if I hit the monster twice in a row with the same attack there’s a chance the second hit does critical damage.” 

“Okay, good,” I said. “Now let’s get out of the street.”   

The closer we came to the edge of the circus, the louder the calliope music. The music didn’t change. It was a slow, haunting oom-pah-pah, oom-pah-pah of a polka played at half speed. I looked worriedly at the sun, which edged close to the distant rooftops. I hadn’t seen any saferooms since the last one.

We hid inside of a building that overlooked the massive circus tents. We’d killed five sentinel lemurs on our way here. While the lazy lemurs were hard to spot, they also seemed easy to sneak up on as long as we moved slowly. Donut had killed most of them, usually allowing Mongo to finish them off. The little dinosaur hit level four, and now he was about the same size as the cat. The dinosaur quivered with anger and potential energy every time we approached a lemur, and sometimes the excitement was too much for him. He’d let out a quick screech and then clamp his beak shut, as if he knew he’d messed up. 

We came across a sleeping lemur sprawled out on the floor of one building, and it was just too much temptation for Mongo. The dinosaur squealed and pounced, landing onto the stomach of the lemur, who awakened and managed to croak before I could also jump and smash his skull with my foot. A lemur-laden giraffe walked down the street soon thereafter while we hid against the inside wall of the building. But it passed by, not pausing. 

Through the hole of a missing window, we now observed the circus. It consisted of three massive tents, multiple wagons, several cages filled with shadowy forms we couldn’t see, and at least a dozen other smaller tents. In addition to the lemurs, giraffes, and stilt clowns, we saw a few other types of mobs, including a group of short, fat clowns and a large, ogre-like creature wearing a leopard-skin leotard. The ogre had a tentacle sprouting from the side of his neck. 

One of the tents was flanked by a massive, faded sign that read “Grimaldi’s World O’ Freaks, Admission One Gold Coin. No children or those with weak constitutions allowed.” A line of illustrated, ten-foot-tall images stood on either side of the sign, showing the freaks and other attractions within the tent. One of them was the ogre creature with “The Over City’s Strongest Citizen.” written over it. 

The other illustrations were a faded mix of sideshow characters and attractions like “The Over City’s Fattest Woman” and “Garth, The Two-Headed Troglodyte” and “Tiny, The Amazing, Fire-Breathing Gnoll.”

There was one peculiarity amongst the signs. The last of the tall illustrations held an image of a horned, elf-like woman covered head to toe in tattoos. The sign read “Tsarina Signet and Her Amazing Battle Squad.” But someone had painted a large circle around the poster, crossing out the image. “Wanted. Traitor,” was written above the sign. As we watched, one of the round clowns walked by, pushing a wheelbarrow that appeared to be filled with animal skins. He paused at the sign, zipped down his pants, and urinated on the poster. 

“My word, they don’t seem to like that lady,” Donut said. 

“No they don’t,” I said. 

We watched for a few more minutes. The clowns and lemurs appeared to be hard at work, but what were they doing? The entire circus was surrounded by a well-worn, five-foot-high battlement made of rocks, wood, and bones. The clowns started draping animal skins over the barriers. A pair of stilt clowns pulled a wagon out into the street and started erecting what looked like trench warfare defensives. They dumped jack-like wooden structures connected to one another by circling, barbed lengths of wire.

“They’re getting ready for a battle,” I said.   

Mordecai: It’s getting late. Are you guys close to the other town yet? 

Carl: Hello, Mordecai. How’s your head? 

Mordecai: I’ve had no… Wait, what do you mean? 

Carl: Where are you right now? 

Mordecai: I’m in my room. Are you two near the town or not?       

Huh. He must’ve teleported back to his base the moment we left the saferoom.

Carl: Do you remember anything from today? 

Donut: YOU WERE DRUNK AND YOU MOLESTED SOMEONE’S GRANDMA.

Mordecai didn’t answer for several moments.

Mordecai: Where are you right now? 

I went on to explain everything that had happened. He didn’t ask any questions and waited for me to finish. It didn’t take long to explain. 

Mordecai: Okay. Back the hell out of there and get your butts to that safe room. You are in way over your head. Do it now. It will be dark soon. I will explain just how stupid you two are once you get there.

Carl: Maybe we wouldn’t have been stupid if you hadn’t been passed out in a pile of your own vomit. We were just about to head back. See you there. 

Mordecai: Night comes on quickly. You’ll want to hurry. 

Mongo growled.  

“Down,” I hissed. 

Outside, dozens of the lemurs and stilt clowns appeared. They came from all directions, heading back toward the circus. These were the sentries, I realized. They were headed back to home base before it got dark. 

We had to remain low and press ourselves against the interior wall of the decrepit building, or we’d be seen by the passing mobs. We huddled as the clomp, clomp, clomp of a giraffe walked by on the wooden slats. Donut jumped to my shoulders and peered over the windowsill while Mongo crawled into my lap. I found myself making “shhh,” noises while I rubbed the rough, half-feathered back of the little dinosaur’s head. 

“They just keep coming and coming,” Donut said. “We shouldn’t have come here, Carl. It’s getting darker too.” 

“Okay,” I said. “If they’re retreating back to their base, they probably won’t follow us. Let’s give it a minute and run.” 

Donut nodded.   

We waited until the steady progression of lemurs and clowns started to abate. There had to be a thousand of them. The sun still hadn’t fully sunk below the artificial horizon. Outside, the stilt clowns had finished erecting the barbed wire defenses and were now starting to line up behind the wall. Another group of monsters I hadn’t yet seen circled around a group of cauldrons, like witches stirring a magical soup. These monsters were tall and thin with emaciated arms and fabric robes and masks that hung in tatters, like undead executioners. Except the fabric was bright purple and yellow. On this side of the park there were four cauldrons set up, and each cauldron had four of the brightly-colored robed figures surrounding the bubbling and hissing pot. 

The large, red and yellow-painted animal cages were pushed to edges of the walls, the doors facing outward. Roars and trills shook the pens. Whatever was in there, I guessed they would unleash the monsters on the attackers. I caught glimpse of tentacles and claws reaching outward from one of the cages. I was reminded of the Krakaren boss we’d fought earlier, though these tentacles seemed less octopus-like and more, I don’t know, worm-like. I felt a visceral revulsion at the sight. 

“Yeah, fuck this. We’re out of here,” I said. “Let’s go.”  

A pair of lemurs and a clown remained on the street as we emerged. Donut hit them with three quick magic missiles, as I rushed up at them. I punted the first lemur directly at the clown, who’d fallen backward. The squealing, on-fire lemur ricocheted off the struggling clown’s head, who stumbled again, hitting the ground. While Donut and Mongo quickly dispatched the third lemur, I leaped up on the clown like I’d done before, crushing in his chest and pummeling him in his face, smashing it in. I could feel the extra strength I’d gained from the looted the rings with each punch. 

More strength. I needed more strength, and I could kill these things with a single hit.   

I looted a second big top ticket and hunk of clown meat. 

I eyed a group of ten lemurs one street over. They howled and pointed at us, but they didn’t move to pursue. 

“Run,” I said. We turned and bolted down the street, not bothering with the alleys. The saferoom was only four blocks over. 

“Did you see,” Donut cried as we ran. A whistling noise filled the air as she breathlessly talked. “My magic missile can set things on fire now! My spell hit level…” 

Wham! Half the street where we’d just been standing exploded, sending us both flying forward. I hit the ground and rolled, coming to a stop. My ears throbbed. Rocks and debris showered over us. Mongo squealed in pain. He glowed a moment later as Donut cast Heal Critter. She rushed to the small, blood-splattered dinosaur, clucking over him worriedly.  

“What the hell was that?” I cried, pulling myself to my feet. “Come on!” 

A purple and yellow comet rose into the air from the direction of the circus. It whistled as it bounced off the ceiling and hurled at us. The brightly-colored projectile was a mortar round, I realized in that fraction of a moment. It’d been fired from the cauldrons. They were firing goddamned magical mortars at us. 

“Shit,” I cried. “There!” I pointed at a nearby entranceway, and all three of us dove inside. I covered Donut and Mongo as another, louder detonation echoed. My health plummeted as darkness descended. 

Rocks bounced off me as the building collapsed around us. I slammed a healing potion as my health continued its downward arc. The ground cracked, and we fell again. Shit. The ground is made of wood, I thought. We’re falling through. We crashed to another stop, rocks and wood falling around us, tumbling and rolling. I couldn’t hear anything for several moments. Underneath me, Donut and Mongo squirmed to get out. 

I rolled over, freeing them. Debris and dust cascaded, and I couldn’t stop coughing. My health remained about halfway full, and I cast Heal to bring it all the way back up. We were in murky darkness. Mongo let out a cry of fear.

Light filled the room as Donut cast Torch. 

We waited for another mortar round to drop, but it never came. They’d probably assumed they’d gotten us. After the rocks finally settled, I could still hear the distant, haunting calliope music.  

“That was most unpleasant,” Donut said. She started rubbing dust off Mongo’s feathers. 

We’d fallen into what appeared to be a basement of some sort. I looked about. Above, a dim light shone through where we’d fallen, about twelve feet up. I looked uneasily at the ground, but I couldn’t see it. It was nothing but rubble and wood. This room had been built below the main level of the Over City. I didn’t know that was a thing. Smoke rose lazily through a gap in the wreckage.  

The room wasn’t large. It appeared to be about twice the size of Mordecai’s base with walls made of rough stone. There’d once been a staircase leading up, but it had collapsed in on itself. Rotted remnants of barrels lined one wall. The only way out was through the hole we’d fallen in.

“Can you use your Puddle Jumper spell to get us out?” I asked. I could also build a ladder, but it’d take a few minutes. We were almost out of time. 

“I don’t know,” she said. She backed up, peering up at the ceiling. “The hole is too small. I need line of sight, and all I can see is the sky. If I make the hole bigger, it should work. One moment.” 

She leaped up through the hole. Mongo cried out. He started furiously leaping in the air, trying to jump as high as Donut. “She’ll be right back,” I said. “Calm down little dude.” 

Mongo screeched in rage and jumped again, leaping astonishingly high. He’d jumped almost ten feet in the air, just shy of the hole.

“Wow, that was great,” I said.

He squeaked sadly, looking at the hole.  

A moment later, a larger chunk of floor fell in, and Donut jumped down. Her hair was all poofed out. Mongo started squeaking and bouncing around her like she’d been gone for hours. 

Donut ignored her pet. “She’s out there, right on the street,” she said breathlessly. “She’s just standing there like she’s waiting for us. There’s only one way out of the building, and she’s right there. I think she knows we’re here!” 

“Who?” I said. 

“The elf lady from the poster. Tsarina Signet!”  

“Oh shit. Did she see you just now? Was her dot on the minimap red? What level is she?” I didn’t see anything on my map. 

Donut paused. “She looked right at me, but she didn’t move! The dot is white! But she is really scary looking. I didn’t have time to examine her properties. I got too scared! She’s glowing. She’s completely naked except for this quite lovely thong that Miss Beatrice would just adore. But this lady is swirling with tattoos that are moving and swimming about like a fishbowl. I don’t like tattoos, Carl.”

I sighed, looking up at the hole. “You have a tattoo,” I said absently. “Remember? And I have two now. And you know Bea had a tattoo, too. That awful tramp stamp.”  

“Miss Beatrice’s tattoo is a masterpiece and an exception to the rule,” Donut said. “And our tattoos were placed upon us against our wills.” 

Bea’s tattoo was a faded, Persian cat on her lower back surrounded by weird, uneven wisps. The cat it was based on was Princess Chonkalot, Donut’s long-dead grandmother and Bea’s childhood cat. It really looked like a stoned Ewok. I never understood why she’d get a tattoo in a place where the only ones who’d see it were people smashing her from behind. I’d made the mistake of jokingly mentioning that once. Yeah, that'd been a mistake. 

“Her dot is white, which means we can talk to her,” I said. “Let’s ask her what the hell is going on then get to the saferoom. Can you teleport us up there?” 

“Okay,” Donut said, sounding uneasy. 

I scooped up Mongo. The last thing we needed was the little monster attacking her. “Beam us up, Donut.” 

Ten seconds later, and we crouched at the crumbled-in entranceway to the now-destroyed building. Darkness had fully descended on the area. My heart thrashed as remembered Mordecai’s warning. 

Light glowed from the street, and I squeezed through the rubble of the collapsed doorway to go outside. In the distance, about a block and a half down, the circus was lit like a holiday display. The three big top tents glowed, and multiple fires surrounded the encampment. Spot lights shot into the air, waving about.  

A line of clowns and lemurs and giraffes stood. They could clearly see us here. Why weren’t they firing their mortars?

I examined the almost-naked elf creature who stood quietly by herself in the now-darkened streets. She stood about five and a half feet tall, and she reminded me of Lexis, Odette’s production assistant. She was an extra-thin, humanoid creature with long, pointed elf ears, short horns jutting from her forehead, and sharpened fangs. She had a malevolent, horrifying look about her.

Her skin gave off a mild luminescence, and in this glow, I could see the tattoos. From her toes to her face, she was covered in thick-lined, old-school tattoos of monsters. Most of the creatures were Asian-themed or nautical-themed, like Japanese Oni and small, Chinese dragons and dozens of other monstrosities like sharks and octopuses. Like Donut said, these tattoos were alive. They moved about her body, twirling around each other, rippling her skin.   

Tsarina Signet - Half Naiad, Half High-Elf Summoner. Level 60

This is an Elite.

The High Elf King Finian, leader of the Liana Sector of the Hunting Grounds, was such a horny bastard, it was said he’d bedded women from over 5,000 different races during his rule. Most scholars agree this has to be an exaggeration considering King Finian’s hairlip and obsession with knitting, but nonetheless, at least one of these trysts did take place, resulting in the unique combination of half Naiad, half High Elf. Considering the Naiad Confederacy’s tendency to drown outsiders and the High Elves’ inclination to hunt down and murder any mongrel child of the late king, Signet here has probably had a tough life. Maybe that’s why she ran away and joined the circus.   

WARNING: This is a fairy-class NPC. Creatures of this class inflict 20% more damage against you due to your goblin pass. 

The moment the description ended, a new notification popped up. 

New Achievement! Meet an Elite.

Sometimes they’re NPCs, sometimes they’re mobs, but usually they’re just assholes. Elites are powerful, one-of-a-kind entities. These are the non-boss, non-divine hero class of Dungeon Crawler World. If you come across one of these egomaniacs, they will either want to fuck you or kill you. Either way, they will always want to use you. They tend to think this whole production is all about them. Be careful. Where there’s one elite, there’s usually more.  

Reward: Elites will now show on your map as white dots with a black cross. 

I swallowed. The woman was decidedly terrifying to look upon, yet I found myself attracted to her. The effect was sudden and almost overwhelming. With horror, I felt myself getting physically excited. I pictured myself pulling the woman into my arms, kissing her on the mouth. I took a step toward her. It’s a spell, I realized. What had Mordecai said? Stay away from girls with horns on their heads. 

Carl: I think I’m being charmed by an NPC with horns. What do I do? 

Mordecai: It’s not a real Charm spell because if it was, you wouldn’t be asking me about it. Is it happening to Donut, too? 

Donut: HE HAS AN ERECTION, MORDECAI. IT’S VERY INAPPROPRIATE. MONGO IS APPALLED.  

Mordecai: Okay, Carl. She likely has a 100 plus Charisma, which gives some inherent buffs. One of those is something called Puppy Dog, which can make men mad with desire. It’s a weak effect at first, but the longer you’re in her presence, the worse it’ll get. There’s only one surefire way to break it. You need to fracture your own finger. Do it fast. It will negate the effect. Uh, make sure you don’t rip your finger off. 

Shit. I still clutched onto Mongo. I reached over, grasped my left pinky, and I bent it back so it snapped loudly. Pain exploded. I cried out. Holy crap. That just happened. I looked stupidly at my bent-back finger. 

It worked. I felt the spell rush away. The effect was similar to having a bucket of cold water dumped on my head. I just sat there and breathed heavily. The woman remained standing there, looking directly at us, smiling. 

The woman looked down with amusement at my finger. 

“My, my,” she said. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen that trick in action.” 

She had a seductive voice. It did not match her face. I drank a health potion. 

Donut: IT WORKED. YOU ARE A GENIUS MORDECAI. 

Mordecai: Gods, Donut. Do you have to type in all caps? This works for most charm-based spells. But you have to do it to yourself. The problem is that by the time you’re truly charmed, you don’t know you’re charmed. This is a succubus. Get away from her and get back to the base. 

Donut: SHE IS NOT A SUCCUBUS. IT SAYS SHE’S A HALF NAIAD AND ELF. IT ALSO SAYS SHE’S AN ELITE. 

Mordecai: Holy fuck. Get the hell out of there. Do not get involved in whatever she’s trying to rope you into. 

“We’re sorry to bother you,” I said while Donut and Mordecai talked in the chat. “We need to head back now.” 

Signet took a tentative, almost shy step toward me. In my menu, I prepared to click Protective Shell if I had to. “I came here to see if you were okay. I watched you get attacked by my former coworkers. They can be quite… unwelcoming… to strangers.” 

I watched a sea dragon pulse across her small breasts. The black tattoo paused to look at me and silently hiss before wrapping itself around her back. On Signet’s arms, the monsters danced about one another. I caught glimpse of a giant, three-headed ogre who held a curved sword, which he sharpened on a wheel. 

I realized Mongo had gone slack in my arm. I looked down, and the little dinosaur was staring at the creature, little eyes wide. She reached out and patted him on the head. He me a happy little squeak.  

This is what happened with the goblins and the laminak fairies, I realized. Only this time we were the ones getting seduced by the ultra-high charm.

“We’re okay,” I said as Donut leaped up on my shoulder. “Thank you for your concern. We really need to get going.” 

The woman reached forward to pet Donut, but the cat pulled back and let out a growl. Mongo looked between Donut and Signet, confused. I felt the little dinosaur tense, the spell broken. Good boy, I thought.

“We’re not getting involved with your weird little quarrel with your fellow circus freaks, Sweetheart, so Carl and I will be leaving now,” Donut said. 

“I’m afraid it’s a little late for that,” Signet said as she took a step back and spread out her arms. The tattoos on her body began to swirl, moving faster and faster. “A little late for not getting involved, I mean.” She nodded toward the circus, and I reluctantly turned my head. 

At this distance, I could barely see what she was indicating. A cheer rose from the line of clowns and circus animals. A moment passed, and I realized, with dread, that I could see what had changed. 

The cages of the beasts were all open. I glanced at my minimap, and the red dots appeared, one-by-one. In front of us, behind us, and to our sides. 

We were surrounded, and they were moving in fast.