Chapter 44 (Patreon)

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“I don’t understand why she killed her daughter,” Donut said after we returned to the safe room. She immediately started opening the loot boxes from the earlier battle. She received nothing new except two “Trap Modules” from her gold sapper’s box. One was called a Spike Module and the other an Alarm Module. We couldn’t use either until we had use of the sapper’s table, which wouldn’t happen until the fourth floor.   

Despite Mukta’s warning that we’d have a discussion after the show, there was no sign of the admin. The program ended, and we’d immediately transported back to the room. I still clutched the shoebox in my hands. I sighed and put it all in my inventory. I pulled out my pedicure kit and started to work on my feet as Donut continued to talk, rapid fire. She’d been like this after the last interview, too. She got some sort of adrenaline rush from being on camera, even when the show was a disaster. “She had a pretty name. Yvette. I like that name. Did you see? She didn’t want to kill people. But then her mom killed her. It’s really sad. But I’m also kind of relieved, you know what I mean? Since her mom killed her, that means you didn’t kill her. It would’ve been an accident, but still.” 

“Aren’t you tired?” I asked. I was exhausted. I rubbed the bottom of my foot with the little stone thing. I could just feel the AI watching me. The recap show would air in a few hours, and I wanted to get some sleep before that. Afterward, we needed to head out. 

Donut plopped herself on my shoulder, settling in to sleep after I finished with my feet. 

“He was kind of a jerk, huh? The orc guy, I mean. But do you remember what he said? We broke the record.”

“Yes, Donut,” I said. I closed my eyes.

“Carl?” 

“What, Donut?” I said, trying not to let the exasperation sound in my voice.  

“I heard what he said to you, about the ninth floor, I mean.” 

“Don’t let anything that idiot said bother you.” 

“No, not the orc. I mean Mordecai. When he told you that you should leave me when we get to that floor. I heard him.” 

“Let’s worry about getting to the third floor before we even think about something as far away as the ninth. We don’t even know what the hell that is all about.” 

“Okay,” she said, her voice small. She finally settled next to me, and she was asleep before I was. 

~

I slept through the first part of the recap episode. I awakened to find Donut sitting on the chair, her attention on the screen. She looked back at me. “They haven’t mentioned us yet. But they showed those guys from Africa, Le Mouvement. They found a city boss. It was a just a see-through blob the size of a house! It killed all of them. There was one guy on the outside of where they were locked in, and now he’s all alone. Everyone died except him. They showed him sitting on the ground just crying for like a minute straight. The blob looked like it was made of Jell-O. They couldn’t figure out how to hurt it. I bet fire would’ve worked. They didn’t have much room to run around though. The boss room was a series of tubes, like a sewer system.”

“Christ,” I said, looking up at the screen. It now showed Lucia Mar smashing a Brindled Vespa into pieces with her mace. She had some sort of personal, magical shield I’d never noticed before. 

The wasp spit at her, and the white glob hit the shield, sizzling and floating in the air a good two inches from the side of her head. 

“No wonder,” I grumbled. 

The last ten minutes of the show was dedicated to our escape. The recap was almost identical to the one they showed on the Maestro’s show, but with added music and better production values. They showed close-up freeze frames of the MOAB and spinning, 3D renderings of the individual bombs. 

It showed the rage elemental tumbling into the hole, and the oh shit baby exploding right next to it. We watched as the monster’s health bar plummeted, almost hit zero, and then the monster dissolved. 

Experience Denied. Slammed onto the screen. 

“Hey, that wasn’t fair,” Donut cried. “We would’ve killed it if it hadn’t dissolved!” 

“Maybe,” I said. I was suspicious about how easy it was to do damage to the elemental, considering its high level. Either my bombs were overpowered, or the monster was especially weak for its level. 

I suspected there was something else we were missing. The monster probably split in two or blew up on death or something equally horrible. It was almost as if the game was daring us to summon another one and to try kill it fair and square this time. We’d probably rocket up a dozen levels if we managed it. I could already think of a dozen ways to summon one and have something waiting for it, something that’d kill it for sure. Once you knew had the monster worked, it wasn’t so difficult. It had to be a trap. 

The show ended with Imani pausing at the scorched entrance to the third floor. She looked up into the air and raised a middle finger before going inside. 

The show ended, and I suddenly felt very alone. The feeling came out of nowhere. I thought of that last member of Le Mouvement, of being locked outside the boss area, only to find everyone he knew was just gone. What a nightmare. 

I looked up at the ticker. 990,303. 

We’d gone below one million, and I hadn’t noticed. For every person that ticked away, I felt I was losing a part of myself, a part of my humanity. I thought of what Donut had said before we’d fallen asleep, and of the unspoken question she had asked and of the answer I didn’t give her.   

The announcement came, and even though I knew it was coming, it surprised me. 

Hello Crawlers, 

Keep up the good work. Everything is running smoothly. Now that we’ve reached the halfway point of the level, game guides are now able to instruct you upon some of the intricacies regarding the third floor and how the race and class selection process works. Be sure to visit your game guide prior to descending in order to make the transition more smooth. 

Effective immediately, any non-sapient mobs who happen upon a stairwell will not be disintegrated. Yes, we all just watched that rule get exploited on the recap episode. It was very clever and very exciting. But it’s not going to happen again. 

The System AI has determined the proliferation of the Brindled Vespas is too aggressive, and we have halved the number of these mobs currently in the dungeon. In addition, the damage from their spitting acid attack has been adjusted down. Slightly. Please note, new Brindle Grubs will continue to generate upon the creation of a corpse, but each one now only has a 50% chance to proceed to the pupa stage. 

That’s it for now. Now go out there and kill, kill, kill! 

The moment the announcement ended, a message popped up. 

Admin Notice. A new tab is available in your interface. 

I blinked. That was unexpected. I opened up my interface, and indeed, there was a new section. ACCOUNTS. I clicked on it. 

There was only one item: 

Creator’s Fee. Carl’s Jug O’ Boom. Royalty: 1 Gold Coin per Kill. Current kills: 4. 

There was a button. Cash Out Now. Below that was a very small line that I could barely read. There was no way to zoom in. I had to squint to read it. 

Count updates once daily. Two gold coins plus 25% Deposit fee, rounded up, deducted upon cash out. Funds not deposited are subject to forfeiture upon death. 

“Twenty-five percent!” I said. “Highway robbery.” If I cashed out now, I’d only receive a single gold coin. If I’d had five coins, I’d still only receive one coin because they rounded the fee up.   

“What?” Donut asked. 

I waved my hand. “It’s nothing. I’ll explain later. Let’s get going.”

“Are we running? Is that what we’re doing? Hiding from Frank Q and Maggie My?” 

“No,” I said. “That was my first instinct, but now that I’ve slept on it, I’ve changed my mind. That woman is hell-bent on hunting us down, and we’re going to have to deal with it sooner rather than later. I don’t know if they’re coming now or not. I’d much rather be ready for her than have her sneak up behind us.” 

“But how can we do that? They can track us and go invisible, and we can’t do either of those.” 

“Her invisibility is not nearly as powerful as I first thought. We’ll need to take out the local neighborhood boss and get that map. It’ll make our lives much easier…” 

Warning: You may not wield your weapons while in the presence of Admins. Any attempted violence against an Admin will result in your immediate execution.

“Shit,” I said, looking up at the ceiling. “Mukta is coming.” 

Pop! Water splashed over my feet, and a familiar, armored kua-tin appeared. My interface snapped off.  

“Zev!” Donut cried. “Where were you! I was worried.” 

“Hello Carl, hello Princess Donut. I’m here for your show debriefing.” 

“Are you okay?” Donut asked. 

“Yes, thank you,” Zev said. “I was censured by the System AI. I was given a suspension because the system determined that I had cheated by warning you of the rage elemental before it appeared. My representative appealed the decision on my behalf, and upon further review, it was determined that you’d noticed the man urinating simultaneously with my exclamation, so the censure was removed from my record.” She sighed, filling her mask with bubbles. “But even though my record is technically clean, it’s not really. Once the AI notices you, it’s difficult to get it to un-notice you. So I have to be extra careful from now on.”

“Are we in trouble?” Donut asked. “That orc guy was really mean to Carl.” 

“No,” Zev said. “It was improper for you to attempt to disengage from the interview, but the Borant corporation wishes to commend you for showing proper respect to the organization. They’re actually quite pleased with you right now.” 

“Commend us?” I said. “Really?” Proper respect? The thought of giving respect to anything Borant did made me sick. Anyone who mistook fear for respect was a fool.  

“The politics regarding all of this is too complicated to even begin to explain. However, that particular production, while technically private, is owned and operated by a prince of a faction that is allied with another faction that is at odds with the Borant system. All of it would make your head spin if I were to explain it to you.”

“If you don’t like those guys, then why did you let them interview us? That show is awful, Zev. It’s…” It’s almost as cruel as the game itself, I almost said. “It’s abusive.” 

She nodded. “And I would like to apologize. Mukta should never have booked it. The show I had scheduled also caters to the younger crowd, but it would be a discussion regarding specific tactics you use in the dungeon. They do it in a creative, silly way. But to answer your question, Borant is not allowed to discriminate against Syndicate-member production companies. Especially when said companies are tied to production sponsors. This is monitored very closely by the AI. Anything to do with money is watched carefully, especially this season.” 

“So that Maestro asshole is a prince?” I asked. “No wonder he’s such a cheesedick.”

“He is a prince,” Zev said. “But that production is owned by his older brother, Crown Prince Stalwart.” 

I thought of that voice that had threatened us when we’d attempted to bail. If that was him, he seemed just as much of a douche as his younger brother. “Prince Stalwart? That name is almost as bad as ‘the Maestro.’”

“They’re orcs. Everything they do is mawkish.”

I had no idea what the word “mawkish” meant, but I assumed it translated to “cheesy.” “So these guys are different than the Tusklings? I know they are obviously a different race, but I thought the Tusklings were the rulers of all the orcs.”

“The Tusklings are the rulers of the Orcish Supremacy. Stalwart and the Maestro are princes of the Bone Empire. That’s a whole different system. If the Orcish Supremacy is a child with a lemonade stand, the Bone Empire is the Wal-Mart corporation. It’s one of the largest and oldest Syndicate governments.”

“Yeah, he’d said something about creating the crawl.” I glanced down at Donut. “He also talked a bit about the ninth floor. How he’s going to be there.” 

“Sorry, I can’t really discuss that yet. Mordecai is now authorized to tell you about the third floor, but that’s it.”

“Is there anything you can tell us?” I asked. 

She looked pained. “What I can say is that every three floors are the same setting. Sort of. The third, sixth, ninth and so forth are all linked in a way that will later become clear.”

I thought about what Mordecai had whispered to me earlier, that Borant was trying to end the game as soon as possible. 

“What if all the crawlers die before the ninth floor even starts?” 

“That probably isn’t going to happen,” she said. “It’s starting to look like we’ll get there much faster than usual, but we’ve never had a full player extinction before the ninth floor. It happens on the ninth floor a lot, but not before it. Again, I can’t tell you much, but those floors … three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, and eighteen, all come into existence at the same time. You can only visit them in context with the rest of the crawl, but that doesn’t mean they’re not being utilized. Whatever happens on the ninth and twelfth floors happens with or without the crawlers. It’s a game within the game where you are not the main focus. At least not until you get there. Sorry, that’s all I can say.”

“Okay,” I said. “I was just wondering. I’m not going to worry about it until we get there I guess.” 

“That’s the spirit! Now we need to talk about the next couple of days. I was just brainstorming with my team, and we agree that you two need to concentrate on building up your character. You’re already in a good position, but a couple extra levels would really help you out. Now that the Meadow Lark storyline is completed, we can wait a day or two before really focusing on the next story arc.” 

“Story arc?” I said. “Really?” 

“How is this thing with Maggie and Frank going over?” Donut asked. 

Zev waved dismissively. “It has potential, but it’s already tired. Those two have a good amount of followers, especially after last night, but not many people think they’re going to survive long enough for that Maggie lady to make good on her threat. She’s not very charismatic, and she’s acting more and more irrationally. This gripe you have with Prince Maestro is getting much more attention, especially with that Pork Boy Snick that just showed up. Two hours old, and it’s already trending all over the social media tunnels. But like we’ve already discussed, that whole story won’t bear fruit until much later. We feel you can get away with coasting for a few days until you hit the next floor down, but once you do hit the over city, you really need to focus on something compelling. Just train, try not to be too boring. Maybe take out a boss or two. And don’t pick anything weird during race selection.” 

“Back up,” I said. “What the hell is a ‘Pork Boy Snick?’” 

She chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I need to tell you about this. So, you have… had… a similar phenomenon on earth. Are you familiar with the concept of fan fiction?”

“Wait, what’s that?” Donut asked. 

Zev whirled on Donut. “Oh my gods, Donut. You would love it. There was this whole website, and it was filled with stories about Gossip Girl. But it was written by people like you and me. Actual fans, not the writers. So the stories aren’t real. Or canon, they called it. But some were great! I tried writing one once, but it didn’t get many views.” 

“That sounds like the greatest thing in the world,” Donut said. “You can make it so the show never ends! Wait. People are writing stories about us? Me and Carl?”  

“Yeah, so a snick is kind of like a fan fiction, but it’s a video. So it’s like a fan fiction movie. You can experience the scene from any of the character’s point of view, or you can just watch it. This particular video is short, and a little, what is the word? Um, explicit.” 

“What was in the video?” Donut asked. “What do you mean by explicit? Was I in it?” 

“No,” Zev said. “Just Carl. Carl and the Maestro. And let’s just say Carl has the upper hand during the scene.” 

“Uh,” I said. I tried to think of something to say, but I couldn’t think of anything. “Who made it?” 

“So, that’s the interesting part. It’s a bit of a mystery. It showed up just a few hours after your interview. Nobody knows where it came from. But it went very viral, very fast. The quality is flawless. In fact, it came out so fast, some people think it’s real. It’s not… Right?”

“Are you asking me if I fucked the orc?” 

“Wait, it’s a sex tape? With Carl and the Maestro?” Donut said. She practically fell off her chair, laughing. “And I thought it was going to be a bog witch that finally stole his heart.”

“It is a little funny,” Zev said. “But the Bone Empire probably isn’t going to find it amusing. They haven’t reacted yet, at least not officially. They’re not known for their measured responses to insults.”

“Is it an insult, though?” I asked. “I’m not gay, but does it matter? The tusklings seem to be very open with, you know, weird stuff. Do people really care?” 

“It’s not that,” Zev said. “You’re right, most wouldn’t care. But this is a prince of the Bone Empire. And that video is both graphic and humiliating. You two… say things to each other.”

“Can we watch it?” Donut asked. “I want to watch it!”   

“That sort of thing has to happen all the time,” I said. “That prince is such a cockwomble, I can’t imagine the intergalactic internet isn’t filled with stuff like that.” 

“Oh, it is. This is different. The quality is so good, and it is just everywhere right now. Everyone is calling the Prince ‘Pork Boy’ and, uh, ‘Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie.’ You have to watch the video. Anyway, if the Bone Empire demands people stop calling him that, it’s going to be just like the Mud Skipper thing all over again. In the past hour, your appearance fee has doubled. You’re now equal with Lucia Mar. The fact this has happened at the expense of the Bone Empire has made the Party very happy with you.” 

“Oh shit,” I said, any sense of amusement fleeing. “The last thing we need is some giant sponsor gunning for us. Any interview we do, they’re just going to ask me about it, and I can tell you right now, there’s nothing I’m willing to say to make those assholes hate me less.” 

“There’s no such thing as bad publicity,” Zev said. “Borant’s official stance on this is that as long as you do not disparage the company, the party, or the Syndicate itself, any opinion you air about other governments will not be met with any sort of punitive action. Besides, there’s not much the other governments can do to you. Not until the sixth floor. Or if they spring for a deity sponsorship this season. But anyway, don’t worry about anything happening outside your floor. That’s my job. Now I gotta get going. Your next scheduled appearance is on Odette’s show. In the meantime, I’ll be available on chat. Bye to both of you.”

A moment later, she popped away, splashing water all over the floor. 

“I’m glad she’s okay,” Donut said. “I feel bad we got her in trouble.” 

I barely heard her. I couldn’t stop thinking about the video. This Bone Empire government had to know how much an asshole that prince was. Plus they couldn’t blame me for something I didn’t make. Could they? 

My HUD snapped back on. The first thing I noticed was that my followers had increased significantly in the past hour. With the combination of the recap episode and this stupid video, that feeling of loneliness I’d felt earlier was all but gone. I now felt like a bug under a microscope. 

I wondered how many people really thought that the snick was real. I always wondered that about conspiracy theorists. I always suspected most of them were just trolling. Surely the real number couldn’t be very many.

“Carl, darling. I can’t believe you hooked up with that guy,” Donut said loudly. She pushed at the door, heading out of the room. “He sure squealed a lot, though.” Her laughter trailed off into hallway. 

“Goddamnit, Donut,” I said.