Chapter 34 (Patreon)

Krakaren Clone! 

Level 10 Neighborhood Boss! 

First off, this isn’t the Krakaren. This is a Krakaren. For every one that is killed, Krakaren Prime births two more. 

Part of a collective mind intent upon destroying any semblance of scientific progress in the universe, the Krakaren is the only communal brain entity in the galaxy who actually gets stupider as time moves on. Consisting of multiple, shrieking tentacles, members of the Krakaren cooperative spend their days birthing their disease-laden minions, creating and selling harmful products, attempting to debate scientific experts, and proselytizing to the weak-minded, all in an attempt to… Well, nobody knows what the hell their end goal is. 

Even Eris, Goddess of Chaos, doesn’t want anything to do with these crazy assholes. 

The moment the description ended, a portion of wall above the door broke open, and a third tentacle burst into the room from the next chamber over, swinging blindly about.

“Carl, Carl, what are we going to do!” Donut cried, pushing herself into the corner. “It’s huge!” 

The first two tentacles retracted, and a pair of clurichaun consultants came out of the door, looking wildly about. 

“Shit,” I said. “Keep them away! I need to make a goddamned smoothie!” 

“What about the tentacles?” Donut cried. 

I eyed the tentacle sweeping about the ceiling of the room. It kept smashing into the pipe that led to the tub of moonshine. 

“Don’t attack the boss yet. I don’t think it can see. Focus on those guys,” I said as I pulled a glass smoothie container into my right hand. I pulled a jug of unaltered moonshine from my inventory into my left. Donut leaped onto my shoulder and shot a pair of magic missiles, nailing both of the clurichauns, who dropped dead at the doorway. A third hesitantly peeked out, looking for us. Donut got him right in the head, and he also collapsed. 

I pulled the cork with my teeth, and I filled the smoothie container a third of the way with the moonshine. Thankfully it had a little line on the glass. I didn’t know how exact this had to be. 

Directly above us, the cinderblock wall broke apart, showering us with rock. A tentacle burst forth, screaming. It scrabbled, swinging at nothing, swaying just feet over our heads. 

Above, the mouths dripped with goo. I jumped out of the way as snot splashed near me. Moonshine sloshed out of the glass, and I had to pour a little more in. 

Jesus fuck. I tossed the jug toward the entrance, and it shattered, splashing moonshine. A moment later, another tentacle once again burst from the door hole, sending the three dead clurichaun flying. 

I pulled the corpse of the laminak from my inventory. I held the limp, naked, wingless body in my hand. It was still warm. Her little, dead eyes stared up in her final shock at having been snatched out of the air by Donut. The sensation was odd, like holding an anatomically-correct doll of a pudgy, middle-aged woman. I didn’t have time to think about it. 

I shoved her, head first into the glass container. Her shoulders were a little too wide to fit, so I had to push. The shoulders cracked, and I used my finger to shove her all the way in there, like trying to shove a Cornish game hen into a thermos. I produced the blender top with the blades, and I had to push hard to get it to screw into place.

“Carl, what in god’s name are you doing?” 

“It’s the recipe,” I cried. I screwed the container onto the blender platform. It attached with a click. I sat atop the much-too-small bicycle, my knees as high as my chest. I prayed the bike wouldn’t break. I prayed my spiked kneepads wouldn’t activate, impaling my own chin. 

I recited the recipe out loud. “It’s one third a container of moonshine, one corpse of a laminak fairy, blend until pink, drink warm or chilled. Each smoothie contains ten doses.” 

“If you think I’m going to drink that…”   

Across the room, yet another tentacle appeared, this one on the ground. We were right up against the wall on the opposite side. The next tentacle to break through would be right here. I spun my legs. The bike protested at first, but it quickly gained steam, spinning like a regular blender. Within the little glass container, the dead fairy stared back at me, spinning until she was sucked away, the concoction first green, then red, and then pink. After a moment, it started to sparkle. 

I pulled the glass bottle off the top just as another two clurichauns entered the chamber, squeezing past the single tentacle that still reached about the room. The tentacle wrapped around the metallic tub and squeezed. It crumpled like a beer can. 

Above, a glob of snot fell, splashing off my head and oozing onto my face.

You have been inflicted with the Taint. 

“Damnit!” I really need to start sticking my hood up. 

“Run,” I said. “Toward the back of the room.” 

Behind us, the wall exploded, sending the lone bike flying. It shattered into pieces when it hit the floor. 

As I ran, I examined the smoothie in my hand.  

Rev-Up Immunity Smoothie. 

One part moonshine, and one part fairy, this smoothie offers 10 doses for the price of one! Each sip of this delicious concoction imbues the following effects: 

Temporary immunity to all health-seeping conditions and debuffs. 

Temporary protection against all communicable diseases.  

Inflicts the Buzzed debuff. (Plus 3 Charisma. Minus 1 Dexterity. Plus Shaky Cam debuff. Plus Truth Serum Debuff.) 

I didn’t have time to think about it. I took a sip.

It tasted as if I’d taken a drink directly from the diseased asshole of an incontinent skunk. It took all of my strength not to vomit.

“Stick it in your hotlist and drink,” I cried, shoving it at Donut as we reached the end of the room. It disappeared from my hand. She didn’t argue. She glowed as the potion took hold. 

A pair of icons flashed, indicating my immunity. The taint debuff didn’t go away, however, which meant I couldn’t heal myself. But at least now I couldn’t be inflicted with the death measles or whatever it was called.

“Death measles,” I heard myself say as I ran. “Now that’s funny.”  

It wasn’t funny. I laughed again. What the hell is wrong with… 

“Ow,” I cried as a rock bounced off my head. My health flashed, my bar moving further down that it should’ve. I’d been hit with a damn slingshot, and the damage was enhanced because of my stupid goblin tattoo. 

I was woozy, and I realized it was the Buzzed debuff. Whoa. I had to consciously keep myself from falling over. If this was Buzzed, I’d hate to see what the Shit-Faced debuff felt like. 

I pulled an angled, still-intact section of the redoubt from my inventory, putting the shield up as we reached the back corner of the room. Five tentacles smashed about, and a pair of clurichauns rushed at us, both of them shooting rocks at us, which pinged off the steel table. 

“What’s your mana,” I asked. 

“Sixteen,” Donut cried, her voice slurred. She popped up and fired a missile at a clurichaun. She hit him in the shoulder, but he still went down. “Now twelve. Die motherfucker! Die!”

I barely had time to parse that Donut was also drunk as a screaming tentacle smashed against the table, rocketing us both against the back wall. My health, already in the red, moved further down. The monster didn’t seem to realize what it hit. I watched as it grasped on the last standing clurichaun, wrapping around him. The mouths stopped screaming, all revealing long, sharp teeth as they pulled the shrieking monster back into the boss room, chewing. It returned a moment later, blood dripping from the mouths, which resumed their caterwaul. 

Four more clurichauns rushed into the room. Another tentacle emerged, pushing through yet another hole in the wall. 

This tentacle was different. Instead of mouths, it was covered in hundreds of tiny, little orifices. The longer, thinner arm reached into the room and made a psst, psst noise, like a spray bottle. A fine, green mist filled the chamber. 

You’ve been infected with the Vigorous Measles!

Infection negated due to immunity! 

“Don’t fire any more missiles,” I said. My head swam. 

“If we die, I want you to know that I love you, Carl,” Donut said. “I don’t love you as much as I love Bea, because she’s, you know, Bea. Or as much as I love Ferdinand. But I love you.” 

“Focus, Donut,” I said. I tried not to let what she’d said sting. But it did. Who the fuck was Ferdinand anyway? Bea was giving you up, Donut. She was giving you up, trading you in for a younger model. But I didn’t say it. Not out loud. Now was not the time for that conversation. Never was the time for that conversation, not anymore. But especially not now. Not when Bea was fucking dead. 

“See that clurichaun there,” I said, pointing a shaking hand. “Raise him from the dead.” 

Two of the clurichauns running at us cried out as they were picked up and crushed by their own boss.

I leaped up, stumbling away as yet another tentacle reached for me. I ducked, and it sailed past. 

I formed a fist, and I rushed at the two remaining monsters. I kicked one, who went flying, and then I drunkenly swung at another, connecting with his giant head with a right hook. I pulled back, an ear attached to my spike. I dropped to the ground as a tentacle swooped over my head. 

Ahead of me, a clurichaun zombie rose up, groaning. 

“Tell him to hold this over his head and run into the boss chamber,” I cried. I pulled a boom jug from my inventory as the zombie stood there, swaying, looking at me. For good measure I pulled the most stable stick of dynamite I had and shoved it down his overalls. Probably a bad idea, I thought right after I did it. 

Oh well. 

The zombie grabbed the jug on Donut’s instruction and held it over his head, like that guy holding the boombox in that Say Anything movie. I lit the torch and sent him on his way. He turned toward the doorway, which was currently empty, and he ran. He barely missed being swept away by another tentacle, and he reached the door just as a seventh tentacle broke through the wall and five more clurichauns emerged, who all stared, unmoving at the zombie rushing right at them. They moved out of the way, uncomprehending what was happening. 

I turned in the opposite direction, and I ran toward our small shield. I dove behind it, barely dodging another tentacle that swooped right over my head. 

As I jumped behind the metal shield, Donut yelled, “I thought you said the explosion was going to be too big to use it in here.” 

I looked at my health, already perilously low. Donut didn’t have a scratch on her. I pulled the alchemy table out of my inventory, putting it directly over us, placing us within a clamshell. 

“It probably is,” I said. “And I’m probably about to die, but I think you’ll be okay.” 

“Carl, no,” Donut said. “No!” 

“It’s okay,” I said. “Go back to Brandon. They’ll watch over you.” I wrapped myself around the cat.

“I don’t want to do this without you,” Donut cried. “Carl, I lied before. I wouldn’t be fine on my own. I need you. No, No.” 

I couldn’t answer her before the explosion came.