Chapter 30 (Patreon)

Chapter 30

Floor Two

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“There’s nobody on my list,” Donut said. “I don’t have any followers yet.” 

We’d been on the second floor for about five seconds. Thankfully, Brandon and his crew hadn’t come down yet. We still had two hours until the collapse, and I suspected they were waiting to see if Chris could convince the thirty folks holed up in that Waffle House to come down. I wouldn’t expect to see the first ones emerge for another hour. 

“I don’t think it gets turned on until after the recap episode,” I said. “And Mordecai said it updates slow anyway.” Tonight’s episode coincided with the closing of the first floor. I was hoping we could find a safe room before then. 

The episode was usually a little more than an hour long. And after that, Odette’s show would air. And if that show was as popular as they implied, the views would start rolling in. I knew, deep down, that this was probably a good thing. The more fans, the better chances we had. But I still had a terrible, ominous feeling that all this attention was a mistake. There was something to be said about being anonymous. Quietly efficient. That wasn’t going to happen, not here, not when I had Donut with me.

Looking about, this second floor was set up similarly to the first, but instead of being at the end of a main hallway, I could see that we were in the middle of a quadrant. The floors here were white. The lichen on the wall had an orangish tint to it. The walls, instead of stone, seemed be made mostly of cinderblock.

“Well this is boring. How are we supposed to set the intergalactic internet on fire when the second floor is the same as the first floor?” Donut asked.   

“Mordecai had said that would be the case. It’s not until the fourth floor where things start to get weird.”

“Hopefully the monsters will be more exciting,” Donut said. 

“They’ll be similar. Just a little harder.”  

“Look, look,” Donut said. “When you zoom out the map, top right corner. Northeast.” 

I did, and immediately saw what she was looking at. The icon sat in the midst of the fog, but there it was. An overwhelming sense of relief washed over me. I didn’t see any safe rooms or tutorial guilds yet, but at least we had this. 

Stairwell to Floor Three. 

“Let’s work our way toward there and see about clearing that quadrant out,” I said. “Keep an eye open for safe rooms.”

I saw the X on the map the moment we turned the corner. My heart leapt, afraid that this was going to be the corpse of Agatha. But it was a smaller X. One of a mob.

I hovered over the spot, and it read Corpse – Level 2 Brindle Grub. 

“Level two. That’s good. I wonder if Agatha killed it,” I said. We wouldn’t be able to tell until we were closer. 

A few more steps, and a pair of red dots appeared in the same hallway, between us and the body. They seemed to also be moving toward the corpse. 

“Okay, be careful,” I whispered. I peeked around the corner. There the mobs were, a pair of fuzzy, cat-sized monsters with no legs. Bugs with similar black and brown coloring to Donut. These were large, fat worms. They didn’t appear to be moving too quickly. These things were also level two. They were the same type of creature as the corpse. 

Brindle Grub. Level 2.

Have you ever found a dead, bloated, and decomposing body? Have ya poked it with a stick just to see what would wiggle out? Perhaps rubbed it with your bare foot? You know you’ve wanted to. Well, wonder more. Here on the second floor, rats are yesterday’s news. Brindle Grubs are now all the rage, and janitor duty falls unto them. The more monsters you kill in an area, the more the grubs eat. The more the grubs eat, the bigger they get. Once you start finding them in the pupa stage, you best move on. Grubs are easy to kill. Their older siblings are not. 

“You take the left one. I’ll get the second,” I said as Donut jumped to my shoulder. 

We strode around the corner. Donut blasted the first one with a full-power Magic Missile, and the thing exploded, leaving nothing but a white mess of goo. They had the same sort of squishy innards as the scatterer bugs from the first floor.

“Get ready with a healing scroll in case their blood is acid or something,” I said.  

I formed a fist, rushing up. The second grub was making a pitiful squeaking noise, trying to get away at a turtle’s pace. I smashed down with my gauntlet. It was like punching pudding. A toddler could kill these things. 

The bug goo didn’t appear to be toxic. The bugs didn’t offer any discernible experience, either. These seemed to be much less dangerous than the rats. I wondered what sort of monster they turned into. 

We moved to examine the smushed remains of the third of corpse. It was as I suspected. 

Lootable Corpse. Brindle Grub. Level 2. Killed by Crawler Agatha. 

Vial of Brindle Grub Hemolymph. (Alchemy Material.)

It looked as if she’d run over the thing with her shopping cart. It took about ten minutes before a corpse became lootable by other crawlers, and that was the only indication of how long ago this had been. Her head start was several hours by now thanks to our interlude on the surface. I took the vial. 

“Those things are all over the place,” Donut said. She jumped down and was sniffed at the corpse. She made a disgusted face. “Repulsive. I see a couple more red dots one hallway over.” 

I looked at my map, and the red dots weren’t there. A blink, and then they appeared. I’d been noticing that recently, that Donut could sense active monsters a few moments before I could. I suspected it had something to do with her race, but I wasn’t certain. These dots were moving quickly down the adjacent hallway.

“Those aren’t grubs. If the bugs are like the rats, then we haven’t yet met the mobs of this quadrant.”  

I took my foot, and I smashed down on the remains of the corpse that Agatha had killed. I smashed and crushed, smearing the innards all over the place until the X disappeared on the map. 

“Carl,” Donut said, looking between me and the splattered remains. “Are you quite all right?” 

“Did you read that description of the grubs?” I said as I wiped my foot on a cinderblock. I could barely feel the bottom of my soles. The sides of my foot were still as sensitive as ever. “We can’t just leave corpses lying around. Even their own corpses. Not in this part of the dungeon. From now on, we do our best to leave as little behind as possible.” 

She crinkled her nose. “I don’t feel as if that’s an efficient use of our time. My people aren’t going to enjoy watching me desecrate the dead. This is just revolting. I’d much you not do this.” 

“Your people aren’t going to enjoy watching you get killed by whatever these things grow up to be.” 

We continued down the hall, turning a junction, then another, angling toward the other red dots. These guys were moving in what looked like a patrol pattern. I suspected if we continued further in that direction we’d find their base and the neighborhood boss. That wasn’t something I wanted to tackle just yet. 

The creatures paused, then they both stopped in the hallway and started moving quickly in our direction.

“Shit, they see us,” I said. “Let’s get ‘em.” 

I stepped out, waiting from them to round the corner. 

Donut squealed in anger the moment they appeared. She dug her paws painfully into my shoulder as she tensed. She fired off two rapid-succession missiles. Both of the creatures hit the ground, their health moving into the red. Barely. They got up and continued toward us snarling and snapping. 

And barking.

The AI approximated a terrible Australian accent.  

Danger Dingo. Level 5. 

These aren’t the cute, cuddly, baby-eating puppies from the land down under. No, mate. The Danger Dingo features a stronger body, sharper teeth, and a penchant for black metal bands such as Dimmu Borgir and Satyricon. Where there are dingoes, their Kobold riders and slave masters usually aren’t far behind. 

“Die!” Donut screamed, shooting two more missiles. Both of the monsters fell over, dead, steaming. She’d used 24 of her 26 mana points in seconds. She sat on my shoulder, breathing heavily. 

“So,” I said, looking down at the corpses that continued their forward trajectory, sliding to a stop at our feet. “Not a fan of dogs, are we?” These guys didn’t look much like regular dingoes. First off, they were huge, about the size of mastiffs. They each had a fur pattern on their faces that looked like heavy metal corpse paint. Their fangs were absurdly long and sharp, giving them an almost prehistoric look. Both dropped “Poor Dingo Pelts” which Donut looted. 

One of them also dropped something we hadn’t seen yet. A pair of gold coins. Donut snatched them away before I could examine the money’s properties. 

“I must admit, I did get a little carried away there,” Donut said. With a swipe of her claw, she ripped the dingo’s head right off. She kicked it, and the head exploded against the wall. Once again, the corpses on this level were significantly more fragile once they died. I watched as she gingerly and matter-of-factly tore the corpses to shreds, careful not to get any gore on herself. She kept saying “Ew, ew, gross, ew,” as she did it. She wasn’t quite successful keeping the blood off of her, and by the time she was done, both her forward legs were soaked red.    

“What happened to not wanting to desecrate a corpse?” 

“Cocker spaniels deserve to have their corpses desecrated.” 

“That’s not…” I stopped myself. “You know what, never mind.” I wasn’t going to argue with her. She knew perfectly well these weren’t cocker spaniels. She was just playing for the camera. 

“Let’s back out of this area for now.” I indicating the curved hallway. I could see a few larger rooms ahead, and I suspected we’d be knee-deep in dingoes and kobolds if we went further.

As we approached the main hallway, I didn’t see any further signs of the mobs, but we did find a couple more dead grubs. And plenty more living ones. The things were everywhere, and we had to kill them by the dozens.  

“There’s a safe room,” Donut said. “It’s right off the hallway.” 

I looked, and she was right. It was in the wrong direction from the stairwell, but it was close. 

We headed that way, edging into another quadrant. This one was filled with floating brains with tentacles tangling under them. They looked like jellyfish. They were called “Mind Horrors,” and were all level 4. They used something called a psionic attack. Donut wasn’t affected at all by them, but I was. I could feel them before I saw them, their presence causing an almost debilitating headache. But they were physically weak, and they moved slowly, like little miniature blimps. I could punch them out of the sky before their mental attacks lowered my health more than a few points. Their brain-shaped bodies had the consistency of a jam-filled kickball. They bounced when they hit the ground, sometimes splattering. 

I didn’t want to go further into this neighborhood, but we cleared the way to the safe room. 

The room, unfortunately, wasn’t one of the restaurants with a Bopca Protector, though the chamber itself was much bigger than any other safe room I’d seen. It appeared to be some sort of storm shelter. The signs on the doors for the restrooms were in French. The television screens were attached to the walls on one end of the cavernous room. About fifty dusty cots were pushed up against another wall. There was no food, no cookies, no vending machines. Just bathrooms, showers, and sinks.

But there was something I’d never seen before. A mailbox, attached to a pole in the ground near the wall with the televisions. It was a standard black mailbox with a little red flag, the kind someone out in the suburbs would have in front of their house. I immediately moved to the box and tried to open the little door, but I received an error message. 

Why would someone send you mail? 

“Weird,” I said.    

The number of boxes and achievements we’d received was less than usual, but I still had quite a few. Several of my battle stats had also ticked up. I sat down on one of the cots and examined my achievements as Donut did the same. 

New achievement! Borough Boss! 

So, you’ve stumbled into the chamber of the second-weakest type of boss. If you survive this, it means you are in the top 5% of all crawlers. Too bad only the top .25% make it past the next tier. 

Reward: Yeah, no. 

New achievement! Bully and a Thief!

You’ve stolen property from a fellow crawler who is a lower level than you. What’s next, tough guy? Kicking puppies? 

Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Asshole’s Box. 

That one confused me for a moment until I realized I’d gotten it for taking Agatha’s shopping cart.   

New achievement! Battlefield Construction!

You built a structure and deployed it in battle. And your mother thought you were wasting your life away while you spent all those hours eating Doritos and playing Minecraft. If only she could see you now. Too bad she’s probably dead. 

Reward: You’ve received a Silver Mechanic’s Box! 

For this next one, the AI once again used his sexy voice. I cringed. 

New achievement! This Little Piggy Went to Market!

Oh yeah, baby. You have killed more than five opponents during boss battles using your bare feet. You are making daddy very, very happy. 

Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Shoe Box. 

“What the fuck, dude,” I muttered at the ceiling. I shuddered. I eyed Donut, who was already opening her boxes. I wasn’t going to tell her about this one. Still, a platinum box? That almost made it worth it. Almost. I couldn’t wait to see what was in the “random” loot box.  

A few more achievements popped up, all concerning us defeating the boss. Killing a borough boss. Killing a borough boss with a mixed group. Killing a borough boss in under 10 minutes. Killing a borough boss with more than 10 minions. None of the achievements offered any good loot except the silver boss box. After that, there was only one achievement left: 

New achievement! You found stairs!

You have found a stairwell down to the next floor. They say the cream rises to the top. So what does that say about you? 

Reward: This barely qualifies as an achievement. Your reward is that you’re alive to read this.  

Next, I moved to loot boxes. The items appeared one by one, rapidly appearing and disappearing into my virtual bag. I went into my inventory, selected the New tab, and inspected the items one at a time. 

The asshole box bestowed five gold pieces and three little pieces of paper. Drink Ticket (X3) – Desperado Club. When I examined the little red paper, all it said was Redeem at the Desperado Club for a free “drink.” I stared dubiously at the quotation marks around “drink.”

The silver mechanics box contained a really interesting item. A tool. I pulled it out of my inventory and examined it. It looked like a silver, oversized lollipop with a button on the handle. 

The Goo-Inator 3000. 

This is a shaping tool. May only be used at a workbench. Assists in shaping materials into something else. You might want to keep the business end away from your face. 

That sounded pretty cool, but I wouldn’t be able to use it until I bought a personal space, which I couldn’t do until the fourth floor. So for now it would have to sit in my inventory and wait. 

Next up was the prize from the silver boss box. I’d received 100 gold coins and a potion. 

Cheat Code Potion

Warning: This item has a short shelf life. 

This item will expire thirty minutes after it was generated. In other words, this isn’t something you can hoard. Don’t be a wuss. Drink it now. 

Causes one, recently-used combat or magic-themed skill to increase by three. Choice is random and permanent.  

A red, flashing timer appeared at the bottom of the description. It was down to 17 minutes and counting. Shit. I added it to my hotlist and drank. 

I felt a crackling sensation in my mouth, like I’d just downed a whole packet of Pop Rocks.

Your Pugilism Skill has been increased by 3! Your Pugilism Skill is now level 10. 

Damn. I had a pile of bonuses now, all relating to unarmed combat. With the combination of my Iron Punch and Powerful Strike skills, plus my unarmed combat bonus and my pugilism skill, my fists packed just as much damage as Brandon’s lightning maul. I knew the skill levels would come more slowly now, but I could probably punch a steel beam and put a dent in it. 

At the same time, I knew my progress wasn’t anything special. Not compared to some of the others from the last recap episode. That Lucia Mar kid was completely decked out in magical gear. She had an obvious dexterity bonus. The kid was running on walls and doing flips and shit already, splattering monsters with her mace. The crossbow woman with the Valkyrie helmet was also crazy strong, likely twice as powerful as me. I’d watched in awe as she picked up a bear-sized, slobbering tentacle monster and threw it into the air, shooting it twice with her repeating crossbow before it exploded.

They were giving us these incredible upgrades, but I also knew the monsters were going to keep pace with our progress. And while I felt overpowered, a part of me feared I was actually falling behind. 

I had one last item to examine. “Goddamnit,” I muttered under my breath. I pulled it into my hand and examined its properties. It was a little black folder with a zipper. I zipped it open, revealing multiple, miniature tools.    

Enchanted Pedicure Kit of the Sylph.

This kit contains 12 essential items for proper foot care.

The magical enhancements of this item may only be imbued within a Safe or Personal Space.

Warning: All of these enhancements require you to remain barefoot. 

Why? Because you know why.     

From a pumice stone to a cuticle pusher, this personal hygiene kit will keep your feet both luscious and in perfect fighting shape. Nightly care of your feet and toenails will result in the following bonuses:

+15% Damage to bare-foot attacks for 30 hours. 

+3 to the Smush skill for 30 hours. 

+Unbreakable buff (feet only) for 30 hours. This buff keeps your pretty little metatarsals nice and unbroken. 

+Celestially Nimble and Tidy buff (feet only) for 30 hours. Not only will your tootsies look nice, bright, and shiny, but any traps set off by footfalls will now prompt an alarm and have a 5-second delay before being triggered.  

I sighed. That very last buff was a great prize. Other than the goblin dozer, we hadn’t dealt with any traps yet. Mordecai had mentioned them, but I didn’t know when they would start showing up. We were going to need more than just a five-second warning, but this was better than nothing. 

I looked at the kit dubiously before shoving it back into the inventory. I had no idea what most of those little metal items did. Would I have to use all of them to turn the enhancements on? How long would it take? Beatrice could literally spend hours in the bathroom poking, prodding, and plucking at herself. Donut usually sat on the counter in the bathroom with her, meowing for attention. Which meant Donut had watched her do it a number of times. I was going to have to ask the cat if she knew how to use the items. Shit. 

I watched as Donut trotted over to the mailbox, leap so she was standing on top of it, and then sit down as the front of the box opened up on its own. A tome floated out and hovered before her. It vanished as she added it to her inventory. 

“What the hell was that?” I asked. 

She poofed her chest out. “Thanks to that boss box, I am now a member of the Dungeon Book of the Floor Club. I get one spellbook per level, which is mailed to me.” 

“What? Really? That’s way better than what I received. What book did you get?” 

Instead of answering me, her body flashed with light. She’d read the book, giving herself the spell. 

“Ew,” she said after a moment. “What an awful spell. We really need to save these book things instead of wasting them.” 

“Goddamnit, Do…” I caught myself. “You know this. You have to read the description before applying it to yourself. What is the spell? What does it do?” 

I couldn’t examine her spells, so I had to rely on what she told me. I knew she had four spells, not including this new one. She had the heal spell everyone started with, Torch, Magic Missile, and Puddle Jumper, which she’d only tried once. She also had a tome of Minion Army she couldn’t yet read, and I had that tome of Wisp Armor.  

“It’s called Second Chance. It costs 10 mana to cast. I can raise a monster from the dead. It has to be a lower level than me. They will fight for us for as many minutes as the spell’s level. The level is one, so it’ll only last for a minute.”

“Holy crap,” I said. “That’s badass. It’s a necromancy spell!” 

“It’s disgusting,” Donut said. She shuddered. “The dead are gross enough. It’s much worse when they’re moving around. It probably groans and stuff, too. You know how I feel about groaning.” 

“Whatever happened to killing them with style?” I said, trying not to laugh. 

“One doesn’t have to resort to gore-themed violence in order to be stylish.” 

“Yeah,” I said. “But imagine raising one of those dingoes back from the dead and using it to kill another dingo. And then raising that one too. You’d be like the Lucia Mar kid with her two dogs, but yours will be zombie dogs.” 

Her eyes got huge. “This is the best spell ever.”