Book 7 Chapters 45, 46, 47, 48, and 49 (Patreon)

Hey folks. This seems like a lot, but it's all foreplay. The next drop will be the big one. These are the final moments as we hit the top of the roller coaster. Needless to say, cliffhanger alert.



Chapter 45

Donut and I both had a plan for the moment we transferred back. I was sent to the saferoom, and Donut was sent to the castle. I needed to bolt for the exit, and Donut would rush to meet Louis where she would board Party Planner and take off as quickly as possible.

I was in Shanty town, and I would meet up with Li Na and Katia.

 I could tell the plan had already gone sideways by the sheer number of messages that appeared the moment I returned. Before I read any of it, I jumped over to the officer list to make certain nobody had been hurt. I sighed with relief that everyone appeared present, albeit pissed-off.

Carl: Okay, team. I’m back. Haven’t read any messages yet. Everyone okay?

Elle: Holy shit, Carl. No time to explain, but get in position as soon as you can. Everything is fucked. Most of their army is already dead. Their corpses are all still there, rotting in their barracks. Edgar found them when he started his scan. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but the moment we moved into position that goddamned goat friend of yours appeared out of nowhere and went absolutely apeshit on us. He's the one who took out most of their army! I don’t know how he did it, especially without magic, but that goddamned thing is level 99 now.

Holy shit.

Carl: Wait, did he attack you?

I had a page long-rant from Prepotente in my messages. I pushed it aside for the moment.

Elle: No, but he called me every name in the book along with a handful of ones I’m pretty sure are made up. Imani told him to calm down, and he called her a “Festering Gutter maggot trollop” and then threatened us with that dragon of his. Some of the sluggalos heard him insult her, and you know how protective they are of Imani, so they tore off after the goat even though he’s flying. Half of them are sliming their way across naga territory wooping their weird little heads off, leaving rivers of their orange goo everywhere. The other half took one of the carts.

I cursed. We needed the sluggalos for full coverage of the naga castle. Then what she said registered.

Carl: Wait, they stole a cart? How? How are they driving it?

Elle: Not very well, let me tell you.   

I paused and thought. This was a monkey wrench for sure, but how could we use this to our advantage? I sent a message to Prepotente, and he immediately replied with a string of insults. I paused, and I read his original message. I laughed at one part in particular and then messaged him again. He replied again with more insults. I grinned.

Carl: Everyone who is moving, keep on it, but give me a minute. Victory, I need to ask you something.

I sent her my question. I asked about the rules regarding us working with Prepotente when he wasn’t in the army with us.

Baroness Victory: It’s not against the rules for him to work on his own designs. In fact, it’s already been adjudicated and settled. But you will not be allowed to work side by side with him on this. You will not be allowed to directly ask him to act on your behalf. If that happens, I fear I will call foul. You may circumvent this by getting him to join the Princess Posse.

Damnit.

Carl: Why didn’t you tell me you already had an adjudication on this matter? And why was Prepotente thrown in jail?

Baroness Victory: There are rules. I follow those rules. I am not to be an intelligence source. But I did warn you before about working directly with crawlers who aren’t in your army. You are free to inquire about any ruling, but the specific details of adjudications are not freely offered. You know this. But to answer your other question. During the adjudication process, he threatened all members of the quorum, including myself, multiple times. It is within our power to give players a time-based penalty, and that is what we did. His punishment just timed out.      

I pulled up Prepotente’s rant that he sent while I was gone and re-read it.    

Prepotente: Carl, you idiotic, bumbling, feckless imbecile. You cad. You fool. You ruiner. Hear me now, for I am most upset with you. Your inept insurrection has caused me great harm. For this, I blame you. While I understand you have reason to defeat the naga menace, I want you to know my claim against them would have been complete by now if it wasn’t for your clumsy interference. I have already defeated their standing army, and just as I was about to finish off my vengeance, I was stopped because they claimed I am unofficially part of YOUR silly fighting force. I was pulled from battle and forced to defend myself like some unwashed criminal off the street. And despite my victory during their kangaroo court, I was still whisked away and placed in a penalty stasis for some time. And to add further insult, once I was returned to finish my work, I arrived to find YOUR ARMY pitifully and limply attempting to do what I should already have done. You and your cadre of nitwits do not know what you’re doing. SHE WAS MY MOTHER, AND IT IS MY RIGHT TO EXACT VENGEANCE AGAINST THE NAGA. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THESE ARE THE OWNERS OF THE VILE DRAMA WHICH CAUSED MY MOTHER’S DEATH. THE SULTANA IS MY ENEMY BEFORE SHE IS YOURS. YOU ATTACKING HER NOW WITH A GROUP OF IGNORAMUS SLUGS WILL DO NOTHING BUT FORCE HER INTO HIDING. IF SHE HIDES, NEITHER OF US WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE. DONUT WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THIS FLOOR. I HAD THIS, AND YOU HAVE RUINED MY PLANS. AGAIN. YOU ARE ALWAYS RUINING MY PLANS. YOU RUIN EVERYTHING, AND THIS TIME I DO NOT FORGIVE YOU. THERE WILL BE NO MORE WARM HUGS FROM ME. YOU ARE BANNED! SO HELP ME IF SHE GETS AWAY, I WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE. I SPIT! I SPIT IN YOUR EYE!  

I grunted with amusement. I couldn’t help it. So, apparently, what had happened was the moment the fighting started, Prepotente did something—the details of which were still unclear—that killed off a huge chunk of their army. But before he could get to the inner court, the naga had called foul because they claimed Prepotente was working as an agent for us, despite not being officially in our army. By not being part of Faction Wars, he wasn’t bound to several rules. He was banned from offensive magic and teleportation like everyone else, but he was not banned from freely crossing borders, which is why the naga complained. He’d won that claim, but during the hearing, Prepotente had been, well, Prepotente, and he’d gotten himself thrown in a time out. When he was released, he moved to finish the job but found us already in the territory working on our own plan.

That was okay. It was actually a good thing. It appeared Pony knew that Vinata was prone to disappearing, but he likely didn’t know the full extent of it, and he certainly couldn’t know what our plan was. Them calling foul, which had ultimately led to Pony getting locked up, had probably saved all of our asses, and he didn’t even realize it.

What we really needed now was for him to stay the hell out of it. That wasn’t going to happen, and we couldn’t work directly with him while he was unaffiliated. That meant we either had to back off, or he had to get his ass in our army. We needed to talk him into it.

I took a deep breath and sent him a third message.

If he didn’t agree this time, there was another way to deal with him.

~

Carl: Okay folks, change of plans. A minor change. We’re already committed. We’ll have to assault without the sluggalos. If the naga soldiers are mostly dead, then hopefully the castle is lightly defended. Tran, how are you doing?

Tran: My team is already nearing the Shanty Town border and haven’t met any resistance at all. We’ll set up on the enemy side of the border and wait to see if anyone approaches.

Carl: Okay, good. But be ready to move. Make sure you’re far enough away from the castle. Louis?

Louis: Taking off now.

Donut: I’M ON THE AIRPLANE, CARL. MOVE YOUR BUTT TO THAT TEMPLE!

Carl: Florin, report.

Florin: The 103rd and 105th are three klicks into former Operatic territory, but it’s slow going. Not much infantry resistance, but they’ve left a lot of non-magical traps we gotta sweep. Most are janky, anti-personnel shrapnel mines like the ones we’d see in Borno. Easy to spot but makes for slow going. Looks like the orcs are massing at their old border to hold us back, but it’ll be some time before we meet them.

The distraction part of our plan was moot now since it was clear the orcs were on their own. Nobody would be coming to their aid. Still, we didn’t want to waste the opportunity.  

Carl: Be careful, and don’t push too hard. Watch your six as they may have some hidden reserves.

Florin: 10-4. Will let you know if we catch a surprise.

Carl: Katia, you guys in position?

Katia: Wire is set up. Hidden towers are ready to go. Just waiting for you.

Carl: On my way. Edgar, let me know the moment you see any movement.

Edgar: Will do.   

Mordecai was standing there in the saferoom, line of potion balls on the kitchen table. Samantha was also in the room, rolling in enthusiastic circles around the black potions. The sex doll head was literally quivering with excitement. She’d somehow managed to paint “Miss Me?” on her forehead with red lipstick. I opened my mouth to ask where the hell that had come from, but I thought better of it.

“Be careful, Carl,” Mordecai said as I started to gather up the balls and stick them into my inventory. I had hundreds of them at this point. “You’re playing with fire here. Don’t hurt anybody you don’t have to. We’ll be neck deep in gods in a few days, and every one you piss off now is going to come straight for you.”

“I know how this works,” I snapped as I pulled the last potion in. I paused, realizing that sounded a little assholish, even for me. I was nervous. I was more than nervous. If we failed at this, it was over. I forced myself to stop and smile at the worried-looking manager. “I’ll be as careful as I can. Thank you, Mordecai. And be sure to thank Mistress Tiatha for the capacitor wire.”

He shook his head. “Your plans are always bonkers, Carl. But this one...”

I grinned. “Hey, only part of this one was me. Come on, Samantha.”

“Oh boy,” Samantha said, rolling off the table and bouncing once.

Chapter 46

In order to save Donut and Katia from the Sepsis Whore issue, we first had to kill the entire line of succession of the Blood Sultanate.

Before this even started, Tipid and Rosetta came with knowledge of the specific people we had to kill. The nagas this season entered Faction Wars with a total of 11 people to play the game.

We had to kill four of them:

First and foremost, we had to kill the sultana. Princess Vinata. The Sepsis Whore.  

The next two were a pair of female assistants who both had the title of “Ikbal.” In real life, these two were Vinata’s cousins. One of them was married to Rishi, the temple guard naga we met at the first preproduction meeting.

The fourth naga we had to kill was a male, and he was the head of her castle guard—which was a different group than her personal guard. He, too, was a cousin of the sultana. According to Rosetta, there were rumors that this guard guy and the princess were a couple, despite them being cousins.

The other seven naga who’d also joined Faction Wars were all friends and members of the real-life kingdom—or executives in the marketing agency the naga used to drive tourism. They were not directly related by blood and therefore were not in the line of succession. In game, they were all members of her guard or field generals of their forces. From what I gathered, several of them were already dead thanks to Pony. We didn’t know how many.

The plan, before we knew that Prepotente had gone ham on their forces, was thus.

While Donut and I went up to the production trailer to meet Vinata and the other warlords for the meeting, four separate groups went to work.

Group one was Florin, who had returned to the northern border—the border with the former Operatic territory—with the 103rd and 105th. Their job was to make an all-out, balls-to-the-wall push. Originally, they would’ve pushed to siege the Operatic castle, but because of the sudden and unexpected defeat of the slimes, instead they would push until they reached resistance, all the way to the orc border if need be. We’d planned on this being a big distraction, forcing the other forces to focus on this big assault.

Group two was Tran on the southern naga border with the 102nd. After an hour or so of Florin pushing north, Tran would make his move. He would move south into naga territory, but with a smaller and more nimble team. They would make like they were marching toward the naga castle, but they’d instead angle west toward the border with Shanty Town and set up there. This would have, theoretically, forced the missing naga army to make an appearance and chase after Tran’s force. And in case the nagas saw that as an opening to press our understaffed southern border, they’d run face-first into Boomer with the 106th Bloody Leeches, who were currently hiding in reserve.

All of this, of course, was before we learned that the naga army was a non-issue.    

Group three was Imani, Elle, Edgar the tortoise dude, some strippers, and a metric fuckton of sluggalos, all piled into a group of four, fast-moving carts. This team, under an Invisibility spell plus a True Concealment spell, would enter naga territory after Tran’s invasion. They would veer off and approach the castle using a circuitous route—one already scouted and cleaned of traps by Edgar. With the naga army distracted, they’d hopefully arrive to their position unmolested, where they’d set up outside the castle.

And then, once set up, they would send in the sluggalos, who’d do what they did best. They’d swarm the castle face-first, inexpertly killing and getting themselves splattered like a bunch of idiots. Hopefully, this would occur just before Vinata returned from the council meeting. Best case scenario would be if she returned in the middle of a slug rampage.

And when that was done, Elle, Imani, and the strippers would move in.

Group four would be me, Katia, Bautista, Li Na, and the rest of the 107th White Dragon Urban Defense battalion set up in Shanty Town.

Which brought us to the trickiest, most crucial part of the raid.

The problem with the nagas wasn’t that they were great fighters. It was that they were clever. They knew we had to attack. They would be ready.  

How they were ready didn’t matter. I was certain they’d have all sorts of nasty surprises waiting for us in the stronghold. Whether the sluggalos defeated them or not was irrelevant. We just needed the hornet’s nest kicked. We needed Vinata’s escape plan to get triggered on our schedule.  

Every season before this, it was the same. Once an army finally reached the naga stronghold, they’d get in, and they’d find it lightly defended. Once they got to the throne room, the sultana would be gone. In some cases, it was said they’d enter her chamber, and her tea would still be warm. Viewers would carefully watch the naga feed to see where she went. They’d watch the castle get invaded while the sultana would remain in her chambers, and when the invaders got close, the veiled naga would calmly get up from her nest of pillows, go through a door, and then she’d simply be gone. And not just her, but her entire elite honor guard of six nagas.

The whole disappearing act was deliberate. It was part of her mystique. She wanted the naga to appear enigmatic, mysterious. Rosetta said after she’d up and disappear, the feed would be flooded with tourism advertisements about visiting the “exotic” naga system, where visitors could tour the ancient palace, see the towering ziggurats of the former sultans, watch a live-action recreation of the Great Consort War, and buy spices at the Forbidden Bazaar.  

And this season, if the sultana managed to vanish during one of the most contentious, dangerous, and watched Faction Wars of all time? Especially with so much at stake? It would be such a boon for their system.  

Which led to the ultimate question: Where did the sultana—and her guard—go? And if this was during a time when teleport spells weren’t allowed—as was often the case—how did she just disappear like that? Clearly magic was involved, but what sort of magic was it? How was it that she’d managed this trick dozens of times now?

She would be gone until the moment the final team was victorious, and then she’d magically reappear. Sometimes she’d reappear within minutes of the game being won. Each year, the mystery grew.

According to Tipid and Rosetta, there were entire tunnel communities who were dedicated to figuring out the secret of the naga. There were hundreds of theories.

Rosetta was certain she knew which of those theories was correct. We were betting everything on it.

“Six seasons ago, she didn’t appear at all at the end of the fighting. And seven seasons before that one, she appeared, but she didn’t show up until near the end of the party,” Rosetta had said as we gathered in the flag room to discuss this several days earlier. “That time where she was late to the party, she was also missing two of her guards. She is always missing one guard. But only this one time was she missing two. They had either been killed off-camera—which is unlikely—or they were left behind in the hiding room for reasons unknown. But these facts gave us the first clue as to where she’s been hiding.”

“There’s another party?” Donut had asked. “And where? Where does she go?”

“Club Vanquisher,” Rosetta said. “It’s the only place that makes sense. First off, people are all over the Desperado Club, including the Cosmic Lounge in the basement, and while there’s lots of places to hide, there isn’t anywhere comfortable, and there’s been no indication of any naga ever having access to the club. The forests aren’t usually as extensive as they are this season, and there’s nowhere for her to hide there, either. They usually build their strongholds on solid rock to prevent tunneling attacks, which also prevents them from tunneling out. Hidden saferooms are out, too. Blood bar rules are sometimes in effect during Faction Wars, meaning she can’t camp in a safe room without leaving and killing something once every 10 hours. And doorways to safe rooms would show themselves. There was no indication anyone ever seeing the naga to have ever utilized the personal saferoom system.”

“Wait, blood bars don’t drain in the Desperado Club and Club Vanquisher?” Donut asked. “Is that why Ferdinand is always at the bar?”

“You need a full blood bar to enter, but once you’re in, it doesn’t drain,” I said. Clarabelle had told me that way back on the sixth floor.

Donut grunted with indignation. “I don’t know what I ever saw in him. What a wuss.”     

“Anyway,” Rosetta continued, “here’s where it’s interesting. The same season where Vinata never appeared at the party, the Viceroy team had summoned the goddess Mazu, who completely razed the ring of buildings outside of Larracos. They’d turned the city entrance into a moat, and when they did that, they’d ended up burying the single remaining temple that served as entrance to the club. Vinata didn’t have an escape, so she never got out. And the previous season, when she was late with two of her guards missing, there’d been an ongoing demon eviction event, but it was relegated to the area around the temple. That season, one of the surviving crawlers found a magical, blood-splattered necklace on the ground just before collapse, and it was near the location of the demon event. The necklace was once owned by one of the missing guards. It was the only sign of a guard being killed, ever. It suggests she’d left one guard behind and the second one died protecting her from the demons, which also explains why she was late.”    

“Hmm,” I said. “Don’t they see her coming out of the club? Or see them fighting the demons?”

“Not always. Usually, she can actually teleport directly to the location of the awards ceremony for the giving of the victory trophy, even from within the club, but sometimes the end game involves an anti-teleportation bubble around the area of Larracos. Such was the case both of those times. And then we have a few instances where it was opposite. There was an anti-teleportation field over everywhere except the area around Larracos, and all of those years she has appeared instantly, meaning wherever she came from, it has to be within the area of the city. But it can’t be in the city, as she wouldn’t be able to enter until the peeling phase.”

Donut started asking questions about the trophy, but I waved her down.

“Okay,” I said. “So let’s assume you’re right and she’s hiding somewhere inside of Club Vanquisher. But where in the club? And how does she get there without being detected?”

Rosetta gave us a grim smile. “This is where it gets a little weird.”

Chapter 47

Louis: Uh, I see the sluggalos. They’re about a mile north of the castle. They have one of the carts in an open field, and they’re doing donuts in the grass while a group of them circle and dance around it. I guess they’ve given up chasing Prepotente. I don’t see anyone else, but there are ruts and orange goo in the grass leading back to the castle and Imani and Elle, so you guys might want to move.

Donut: LOUIS, YOU WILL NOT CALL IT “DONUTS.”

Louis: Also, I think there’s fighting way to the south. Like all the way on the south side of the map. I can’t see what it is, but there’s distant flashing.

Carl: Okay, keep an eye on that. Donut, get ready.

Donut: I AM READY, CARL. YOU AND KATIA BE SAFE. ELLE AND IMANI, YOU BE SAFE TOO. DONG AND SPLASHIE, KEEP THEM SAFE.

Imani: We’re moving toward the castle now. Here goes nothing.

I felt sick about this part. Elle, Imani, and a few of the strippers were always planning on going into the castle, but we’d planned on sending the slugs into the castle first. The slugs were expendable, and they seemed to actually like the idea of dying in battle. We’d given Imani trap-killing tools, but that was always under the assumption the vast majority of traps would’ve already been triggered by the slugs. Imani’s new spell was intended for clean-up, not primary defense. They would be heading into extreme danger.  

I felt sick about it, but not enough to tell them no. I took a breath. They’ll be okay. They have to be.

Carl: Run if you meet strong resistance. Louis, be ready to extract. Britney?

Britney: Juice Box wanted me to reiterate that she thinks this is too soon, but they’re ready.   

Carl: Okay. Tell them to stand by, and only move in if I say so.

I looked up from the chat and nodded at Katia, but she was distracted. She and Bautista were standing right next to each other, but their eyes were flashing, and I could tell from the pissed-off look on Katia’s face that they were having an argument of some sort.

“I said no,” she finally said out loud to him. A look of rage flashed across Bautista before he lowered his head. Rend was loose and stood between the two crawlers, looking back and forth between them. The round, knee-high pet let out an uncertain giggle.

Katia looked at me and said. “Okay, let me know if I get anything wrong. And make sure you warn Prepotente before he gets here. We don’t want him mistaking me for one of them.” She started to change form, turning into a mantaur.

“You’re not being passionate enough,” Samantha was saying to Bautista as we waited for Katia to change. “A woman likes a man who fights for her with everything he has. This is why Carl and I broke up. Yes, we had great physical chemistry, but he couldn’t even die for me like Charlie did.”

“Hey, Samantha,” Katia said, looking down at the decapitated sex doll head. She was just starting to form a mullet.

“What?” Samantha asked.

“Shut the fuck up.”

Samantha turned to Bautista. “See? She’s very passionate about you, but you aren’t passionate enough about her. You are a mighty Tigran, but you act like a lamb. Throw her on the ground and make love to her right here and now. I will watch and give tips.” She made a little growl. “And if she refuses, you and I can have a go at it. We will drive both of our exes mad with jealous rage. And afterward, I will kill her mother.”   

Bautista grunted and moved to stand next to Jun and Zhang, who stood at the base of a newly-erected clocktower. The bipedal rhinoceros Sergeant Toyotomi was also there, pointing up at the top of the tower. The large, sai mercenary was talking animatedly. The former Prism NPC looked to be in his element as he directed the last-minute construction.

Rend returned to my side and started gnawing on rocks from the Shanty Town road as I looked worriedly upon Katia. Her countenance hadn’t yet changed, and she was looking eerily like the late Eva at the moment.   

Carl: Are you okay? Is there anything I should be worried about between you and Bautista?

Katia: I’m good. It’s okay. He’s just scared for me. You need to remember what happened with his family after he came in here. He doesn’t want anyone else he cares about to die. He thinks this is too risky and wants me to eat the flower now.

I regarded the tiger crawler, who was doing his best not to look in our direction. Samantha had followed and was hopping, trying to land upon his shoulder.

Carl: Really? He didn’t want you to eat it at all before.

Katia: He’s afraid that if this doesn’t go well, you’ll turn on me to get the flower to give to Donut.

A chill hit me. I hadn’t even considered that. I didn’t even want to think about that possibility.

Carl: You know I’d never do that, right? And even if I wanted to, which I don’t, Donut wouldn’t allow it.

She stepped me, and she grabbed my hand. She’d grown a second set of arms. She was in the process of bulging out her muscles. She now towered over me.

Katia: I know. But I want you to know something. I haven’t told Daniel this, but I’m telling you now. If it comes to that, I will give you the flower. That Huanxin bitch will rage, but I’m certain she’ll take Donut to the 12th floor.

I smiled sadly at her. Rend was at my feet. He looked up and gurgled. It sounded like “No, no, no.”

Carl: Donut wouldn’t allow that, either.

Katia: I know. That’s why I’m telling you and not her.

I wanted to scream. Instead, I just nodded. Katia pulled me into a tight, four-armed hug. When we pulled back, I noticed Bautista staring at us. Samantha was on his shoulder, also watching, whispering in his ear.

~

Elle: We’re in. We’ve met with some guards, but no nagas yet. It’s not a big stronghold. Searching for traps now.

I felt a searing pain in my chest. I yelped in surprise, like I’d been shocked.

Crawler Imani C has used your Tripper spell.  

Imani: Okay, I used your spell, Carl. Katia, your tattoo worked. Lots of traps just went off.

I rubbed my chest as everyone looked at me worriedly. But I shook my head. They were worried about the Bedlam Bride, but that wasn’t what had caused the jolt.

Carl: Yeah, I noticed. I got a notification when you used it. It kinda hurt.

Imani: Oh man, really? I’m sorry about that.

Donut: IT BETTER HAVE WORKED AFTER YOU FORCED IMANI TO PERMANENTLY DISFIGURE HERSELF.

Katia: Donut, didn’t we agree you were going to stop complaining about the tattoos? It’s not a disfigurement. Imani’s tattoo is tiny compared to the one I did on Carl.

Donut: I’M SORRY, BUT A PAMELA ANDERSON TATTOO IS MOST CERTAINLY A DISFIGUREMENT. I KNOW THIS IS IMPORTANT, BUT SOMETIMES I WORRY ABOUT THE COST.

After Katia had given me my chain dragon tattoo, we’d reversed the process. My Tripper spell was level 15, but it was also item-based. It came from my bandana, Drakea’s Enchanted Kerchief of Disorder. The original plan was to just let either Imani or Elle borrow the item, but it turned out that neither of them could wear it. Apparently fairy-class, and other magical races, were extremely limited on the sort of magical gear they could wear. I hadn’t known that.

Still, when I took off the bandana, I learned my Tripper spell had raised on its own to level 7. (That kicked off its own, mind-numbing conversation with Mordecai since the spell version had a 10-minute cooldown while the item-based version was five hours, but I couldn’t mix and match cooldowns. All of these rules made my head spin.)

All of that boiled down to this. I couldn’t give Imani the item, but I could still let her borrow the spell in the form of a tattoo. Since it was a lower level spell, the tattoo didn’t need to be big. When I drank the associated potion and selected the spell, I lost six levels when Katia drew the blood. That was irrelevant because the bandana itself brought the spell up to 15 either way.

It said the spell would slowly “heal” over the course of four days. Meanwhile, Imani’s version of Tripper would slowly lose potency, and she’d eventually lose the spell. The tattoo itself, made from the toraline yam ink mixed with my blood, would be permanent. The good news was if Imani ever wanted to use that spell again after it faded, I could drink the yam potion, select the spell, and it would get re-energized. We were just limited by the fact we had barely any of the vegetable left.

There was more to it than that, Rosetta had confided. Spells and skills taken against the owner’s will were much more powerful and resulted in the owner losing them permanently. My Walk on Air skill, stolen from Li Jun, was proof of that.

I very much wanted to ask Rosetta how in the hell we were supposed to figure all this out from their gift of the yam on the fifth floor. The answer involved the cookbook and something to do with the crawler Milk’s entries, but I couldn’t talk about the book, even in chat. There was nothing about this in her entries. I’d looked three times. That seemed somewhat important, but it was a mystery for another day.    

Anyway, Imani’s tattoo was a small, barbed wire symbol that circled her ankle. I hadn’t seen it yet, but when Donut learned Katia was planning on that style of tattoo, she loudly voiced her objection.

Donut: THIS ISN’T THE 1990’s. I SWEAR TO GOD IF IMANI STARTS USING THE PHRASE “HOME SKILLET,” I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND.  

Donut was being annoying, but I could read between the lines. She was having the same hesitations about this as I was. There was a deep sense of guilt there. All of this stemmed from her putting that goddamned tiara on her head way back on the very first floor. We were doing this for her, and she knew it. This was how she expressed herself when she didn’t know how to react. The idea of Imani getting a permanent tattoo for this was hard for Donut to come to terms with.

The tattoo conversation came to an abrupt end.

“He’s coming,” Katia said, looking up. I followed her line of sight to see the goat dragon circling toward a landing.  

Chapter 48

Prepotente landed on the ground in front of us, crunching on the gravel. Bianca, his goat dragon mount, crackled with black energy as the rocks around her feet started to glow red. The thing was now level 70, which was a big jump. She was now full size. She was about the size of Gonk the swamp yak, but longer. She’d grown a second set of wings behind her first pair, giving her an even more insectile appearance. Her goat horns curled and glowed. Steam rose from her eyes.

Pony himself looked much the same as the last time I’d seen him, but he was now level 99, making him—by far—the strongest crawler in the dungeon. he swung himself off the hellspawn familiar and landed in front of me, scattering rocks. He gave one look at Katia, made an indignant sniff, and turned to glare at me.

“Carl,” Prepotente said.

Baroness Victory cracked into existence nearby. The large orc looked at the two of us and crossed her arms.

I held up a hand at Prepotente. “Look. We can’t talk at all unless you’re in the army. I know you don’t want...”

“I know, Carl. I am not an imbecile. Recruit me.”

I paused. “Are you sure?”

“Do it now before I change my mind. If this is the only way I may salvage this utter fuckup on your end, then make it so.”

I nodded. Behind my back in my other hand, I pulled the potion of Conscription back into my inventory. A strange, unexpected sense of relief flooded me. It probably wouldn’t have worked, not on him, but the moment I stowed the potion, a strange, what-were-you-thinking? clarity hit me.

No. Not like that. Never like that.

The river, always there, seemed to grow a little bit around the edges. It’s easy to think that when it’s no longer necessary.

Katia, as if sensing what had just happened, put a big, meaty hand on my shoulder. I reached up and gave her a pat. It would’ve been more touching if she didn’t suddenly smell like leather, tobacco, and cheap bourbon.   

My first instinct was to be a dick and give Pony the rank of Legionnaire, but I ended up making him a Colonel.

I stepped forward and touched his shoulder. “Look, Po... Prepotente. I really appreciate you coming to help us, and when we have time I hope you’ll tell me what you did to kill their army. We’re on the same side here, and we really need to talk more. You don’t need to do this all by your...”

The goat rushed forward and pulled me into a tight hug. He started to uncontrollably sob. “You’re my best friend, Carl. I’ve been so lonely. When you didn’t show up at the Bahamas on the last floor, I thought...” He didn’t finish the sentence. He was letting out these huge, wet, snot-filled sobs. It had come so suddenly and unexpectedly, and he was clutching onto me like I was a life raft. Everyone around us just stopped what they were doing to look at us. Even Bianca appeared embarrassed.

Rend was looking up at Prepotente wide-eyed, and tears were inexplicably leaking out of the tummy acher’s eyes, too.

He continued to sob, and he spoke between the gasps. “Let us put our differences aside... I’m ready for the emptiness to be filled. I have several enhanced pet biscuits ... but after what happened last time, I’ve been so afraid... And now I’m afraid it’s too late. Bianca is fine company, but she doesn’t speak. You are absolutely right. ... We need to keep communicating. I need to come to terms with you being an idiot and be grateful for what I have. ... You can’t help how stupid you are.”

I sighed and slowly pushed him back. “Uh, it’s going to be okay.”

He wiped his eyes and nodded. Rend started rubbing against his leg and purring.

I gave the goat an awkward pat. “Let’s just get through this, and we’ll talk more, okay?”

You’d think I’d be ready for what happened next by now, but it still caught me off guard.

He screamed right in my damn face.  

This caused Rend to also scream and fall onto his back, his little legs waving.  

Samantha, who’d somehow gotten herself onto the back of Bianca, was hopping up and down. “Kiss! Kiss!” she cried.

The hellspawn made a chittering, crackling noise as black flames rose from her back. Samantha was unaffected. She turned and whispered something to the familiar. It crackled more. She laughed.

“You! Remove yourself from my mount immediately!” Prepotente shouted.

Samantha rolled off the back of Bianca and right up to the feet of the goat.

“Oh yeah? Make me.”

He looked between Samantha and the now-empty back of Bianca.

“Just stay away from me,” he said, turning his back to her.

“Don’t walk away from me, Mr. Goat Man! I’m going to kill...”

Katia snatched her off the ground and covered her mouth with one of her giant, mantaur hands. Samantha started to scream and struggle in Katia’s grip. Prepotente just grunted and returned to the back of Bianca, which he easily hopped onto like the back of a horse. “Let me know when we will begin the assault.” He and Bianca stomped away to investigate Li Na’s chain tower. The rocks where Bianca walked remained red and glowing.

Katia pulled her hand off Samantha’s mouth. “Don’t ever say that again. Not to him.”

Samantha growled. “Why are you being such a bitch today?

“His mother is already dead, Samantha, and everything is very tense. You saying this will cause him to go ballistic, and we don’t need that right now. Promise you won’t say it to him.”

“Just because your man is in love with me now doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do.”

“Samantha,” I said. “She’s right. Don’t mention his mother to him. If you do it again, he’s going to punt you across the map, and you won’t be allowed to go with us.”  

That finally reached her. The “Miss Me?” written on her forehead had gotten a little smudged by Katia’s hand. “But you promised, Carl. How is it my fault that someone else got to his mother before I could?”

It occurred to me that Samantha, too, was tense. We were all lashing out in our own ways. That was equal parts comforting and worrying.  

I put my hand against Samantha’s cheek. She was warm to the touch. “Please. We are all on edge. This is crucially important. Just don’t make things worse.”

She just growled, bit my finger, and hopped out of Katia’s grip. She rolled away, muttering, thankfully not in the direction of Pony.

Baroness Victory was still standing there, watching all of this happen. I caught her eye. “Is your family this dysfunctional?” I asked. But the moment I asked it, I regretted it. I suddenly remembered exactly how dysfunctional her family was.

Still, a small grin played across the stoic orc’s face. I smiled back.  

Elle: Carl, your guess was correct. Coming on the throne room. Finally ran into some nagas plus a few other NPC guards. The guards all worship Emberus, just like you predicted. Had to kill them all, including a big naga. That one didn’t worship any god, but he went down hard.  

I grunted.

Katia suddenly gasped. “That... that was one of the four we have to kill. I just got a notification he was dead! That must have been the head of the guard.”

“It was also the Sultana’s real-life boyfriend,” I said. “Good. She’ll be extra upset. Hopefully she’ll start making mistakes.” I glanced at Victory. “You’d think in a universe so big, incest wouldn’t be so widespread.”

She made a pig-like snort. “The bigger the universe, the smaller it becomes.”

I wasn’t certain what that actually meant, but it rang true.

Donut: CARL, CARL THEY GOT ONE OF THE FOUR! I GOT A NOTIFICATION!

Carl: Good job. Be careful. Three left. It’s Vinata and the two cousins.

We all waited. This was it.

Edgar: I’m sensing new movement in the castle. Hang on. Watching it now.

Rosetta: Make sure you see where it’s coming from!

Rosetta was still at our stronghold with Tipid, but both of them were monitoring this carefully, especially since most of this was their plan.

If Rosetta was wrong about this next part, all of this would fail.  

Edgar: Non-corporeal, Coming from below and moving up.

We all looked at each, relieved. I gave Li Na a thumbs up. She nodded at me and started climbing the clock tower.

Rosetta: Good. Good. Carl, it’s up to you now.

Chapter 49

(Note added by Crawler Carl, 25th Edition)

Something strange happens when someone worships a deity for the first time.

I didn’t know this, but this is, apparently, well-known amongst the masses who watch Dungeon Crawler World. It still strikes me how such obvious things are foreign to most of us experiencing the dungeon for the first time. Rosetta, Tipid, and even stoic Justice Light are telling me things when they can, with the obvious intent of me putting it in here. It’s a lot, though, so I am doing my best.

When one worships a god, a link is formed between the adherent and the immortal. This link comes in the form of an actual, physical, whisker-thin connection made of invisible light. Light that can penetrate almost any substance or spell. After a new adherent pledges themselves, a tiny, non-corporeal fairy mob called a Bijou grabs a tendril of light from the god and drags it to the new worshipper and attaches it to the adherent’s heart.

Here’s the important part. This line isn’t direct. It goes from the god to the strongest temple on the floor and from the temple to the worshipper. This whole process takes about two minutes. From the third floor until the 11th floor, the strongest temple will almost always be inside of Club Vanquisher.

When a person moves around, other tendrils also grow, connecting the adherent to other temples and in some cases, other worshippers. These connections, too, are facilitated by the Bijou fairies.

This strange, little quirk of the game usually has no impact on anything, and Rosetta seems to think it’s actually some sort of workaround the original designers developed to add the whole deity aspect to the game. Nobody has ever killed or caught or stopped the Bijou. Not even other gods. It’s probably not possible  

But, certain people with the proper skills can see the Bijou as they zip between the floors. We have an NPC with us named Edgar. In Edgar’s case, he can catch their movement. He can see upward momentum from the ground. This is a sign that someone nearby has just worshipped a god for the first time. Edgar’s skill is level-15, and it’s called Sense Movement. We are relying on using this to see if Rosetta’s theory about the naga escape trick is correct.

~

Not only were we now certain that Rosetta’s theory was correct, but we were now pretty sure, out of the hundreds of gods and goddesses, which specific god this was.   

This was Rosetta’s theory on how Vinata made her way from the stronghold to Club Vanquisher undetected.

There were approximately 15 different deities in the Ascendency pantheon who were gods and goddesses of light. All 15 of those immortals had temples inside of Club Vanquisher, and, unique amongst the light gods and goddesses, was a powerful spell called Travel the Path. It looked and acted like a mix between a phase and a teleportation spell. It was neither. It allowed someone to temporarily turn into light and follow a path. They could usually only do it for a few seconds, but they could follow that path at the speed of light, making travel almost instantaneous. It was a dangerous spell to use and oftentimes ended with the caster getting splattered or cut in half by an unexpected shadow blocking their route. It was not considered teleportation by the system.  

Of those 15 gods, six gave their adherents some version of this spell immediately upon worship.

Of those six, four also included a skill called Welcome Home. This could usually only be used once. Ever. This skill, combined with Travel the Path, would allow the adherent to follow the bijou fairy’s light tendril path directly to the strongest connected temple, which was invariably inside of Club Vanquisher.

Even if we destroyed the entrance to the temple, the spell would work.

But, there were two problems with this theory. The first problem was that nobody had ever seen that the sultana had worshipped a god. There were multiple ways one could see that. And even when she appeared at the end of the game, she would show signs, even if she left the deity’s grace, which would usually result in a smite. But there was never a sign amongst her or her remaining guards. That suggested the missing guard would remain in the temple because they were the one who had actually been the one to worship the god.

But that brought up the second problem. There were usually seven of them total. The sultana plus her six guards. If only one worshipped a god, then how did all seven of them get into the temple?

The answer to this was a little batshit, but it is what made me believe Rosetta’s theory was correct.

Of the four remaining possible deities, two of those gods—one god and one goddess, actually—came with church quests, which were deity-specific quests like my Kill Hellik quest. Both were the same. The new worshipper had to recruit at least one more person to join their religion. Both had methods where volunteers could agree to be “prospects” and basically get a day pass to a temple, where they could see what they were missing.  

So, in short, the sepsis whore could utilize one of two immortals to get to the temple.

The goddess in question was named Theia. The god was named Khepri.

In Theia’s case, the prospects would be turned into balls of light and would fit in the worshipper’s pocket. Then, when the adherent was brought to the temple, they’d be freed and would spend the next several weeks getting wooed and having a great time. It was basically a hidden loophole hack that allowed someone to step away from the action and spend the rest of the time of faction wars partying it up. And because Theia wasn’t a regular goddess used for clerics, there wasn’t ever any crawlers to stumble into her temple.

And, unlike with crawlers, viewers couldn’t just randomly tune into a warlord’s location if they didn’t want to be on-screen. Nor could viewers just look inside of random temples. It was a perfect hiding place for a warlord.  

That goddess—Theia—also had a ton of history involving the Ascendency and was a poor choice to win the throne. As a result, nobody ever sponsored her.

Rosetta believed this was who Vinata and her court usually picked. It worked like this. One of the seven guards would worship the goddess. The guard would get the spells, and they’d quickly initiate a Prospect Congregation, which was as simple as setting up a party. They’d all hop into the guard’s pocket, get transferred to the Temple of Theia, where they’d usually have the run of the place until the end of Faction Wars. When it was done, Vinata would tell the head priestess she was politely declining the invitation to join, and the priestesses would teleport the non-worshippers away to wherever they wanted, if teleportation was available.

But this season, there was a problem. Theia was sponsored. And not only was she sponsored, she was sponsored by someone in the employ of the Pacifist network. Rosetta didn’t tell me the name of the sponsor, but she did say it was not Porthus, who was not in the dungeon at all.

This was actually an interesting coincidence. They had sponsored this goddess on my behalf, but this was before they had figured out the goddess’s connection with the Blood Sultanate.

They had sponsored Theia because Theia was Samantha’s mother. They had sponsored her to help save my life at the end of the fifth floor. She was the one who had appeared at the end of the floor when we first took Samantha out of the saferoom. Theia was, in theory, enraged at Samantha. But because of the sponsorship, she hadn’t caused any problems and had only appeared to kill that giant demon, Slit, at the end of the bubble levels. She’d been too far away for me to get her information before.

Theia would be a very powerful weapon in the coming days, but she would be of no help to us today.

Vinata had to know Theia was sponsored, and there was no way she’d choose her this season. If by some chance she did, the goddess would smite her and her court on our behalf.

So that left the other god, who also gave Vinata and her guards a method to escape.  

Khepri. Also a god of light. This was a much more obscure god, and he wasn’t even available to be sponsored. He was basically an NPC that people sometimes interacted and allied with in the Ascendency fights.

Where Theia turned prospective worshippers into motes of light, Khepri was a little weirder.

In Khepri’s case, worshippers could be male or female, but the quest to gain more followers only happened if the new worshipper was female. And instead of turning into motes of light, the prospective adherents would be changed to, uh, beetles. Actual, tiny bugs. And the female adherent in question would then have to swallow these beetles whole. They would be transferred to the temple of Khepri, which would be in the form of a giant, never-ending buffet feast that was absolutely covered with insects of all kinds. There, the adherent would sit upon the center of the buffet table, and she would give birth to the beetles she’d swallowed, where they’d quickly turn back to their previous form.

The prospects would spend the next few weeks sitting in the room with an infinite, bug-infested buffet, being wooed to join the religion.

Yeah. And this, supposedly, was pretty normal for some of the batshit things that happened on the 12th floor.

This, obviously, wasn’t ideal for Vinata, but it still resulted in nobody else getting really hurt. She would have to spend the next few weeks hanging out in a giant room filled with bugs. But she would be safe. Donut asked how this possibly translated to the god Khepri being a “light” god, and Rosetta said she had no idea.

All that mattered was in about three or four minutes, Vinata and her guards were going to transfer to this specific temple, and Katia, Bautista, Pony, Samantha, and myself were going to break into Club Vanquisher, break into the temple of Khepri, and kill every motherfucker in the room.   

~~

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Thanks everyone for your continued support! Chapter 50 kicks off what I hope to be the start of the end. I know it doesn't quite seem like it, but hopefully it all falls into place. It's going to be chaos from here on out.

A couple news items. I'll be at ConCarolinas next week. I have a fairly full schedule, and I'll also be going on stage with the house band for a couple of songs, so that should be fun. Come say hello!

If you missed the Kickstarter, it's not too late! https://matt-dinniman.pledgemanager.com/projects/dungeon-crawler-carl-v1-hardcover/participate/
If you have any issues with this stuff, please message them directly. I am not in control of this stuff.

Finally, the nice folks over at Penguin Random House have asked me to create a Spotify playlist for Dungeon Crawler Carl book 1, and I need song suggestions. The existing list doesn't really start until book 3, and I need book 1 specific song suggestions.

As always, thanks so much for your support.