(random journal #4) happy, sappy post about sensory issues and stuff (Patreon)

fairly recently (as in, within the past few years) i started to come to terms with the fact that im prolly a LOT more neurodivergent than i ever thought and started learning how to take care of myself better instead of trying to fit my circle into society's square hole.

blending in was def something i had to learn quickly and implement effectively throughout my school years. the feelings of sensory distress, social overwhelm, etc were quashed bc (1) my community and family weren't very mental-health or ND conscious and (2) i didn't understand my own body and needs very well, so out of ignorance, i was afraid of accepting that i was probably autistic. there was just so much stigma behind it!! children can be cruel about anything they don't understand, and they're quick to ostracize those they deem weird, slow, or, well, we all know that ugly word. i didn't feel safe speaking on experiences that would label me as somehow less than human just because i experienced the world differently; i barely felt i had room to explore that myself, terrified it might apply to me! 

now as an adult, i feel like a lot of sensory issues and repressed feelings have started surfacing more visibly - which isn't inherently a bad thing. for the most part, id say i deal with my hyperfixations, distractions, work scheduling, and personal junk like that pretty well by making little routines and systems for myself that help me get work done productively. but that doesn't mean i don't still live with these feelings on a daily basis. 

it's been good to acknowledge those feelings, accept them, let myself cry and feel, and learn to take care of myself and better identify the kind of friends who can care for me! and it's been good, and healing, to make so many new friends college and post-college who relate to the ADHD/ASD struggles. and not only make me feel ok and accepted, but celebrated for how i am!

i know, i know.

im being like, super sappy rn about a couple pictures i drew when i felt overwhelmed and wanted to communicate that - but that's ok! it's worth getting sappy over! im so thankful to be able to draw and express how i feel and experience things to others; without this medium, i would be so lost and lonely. im just so, so happy to be able to speak, share how i feel, make friends who understand, and be part of a lovely community of love and acceptance that i wasn't sure i would EVER find!! ever! esp not as a lonely kid sitting on the swings alone.

and uhhh. thanks for reading so far. i know it's a lot and if you have the brainworm i do, it was probably rly freaking hard to read this long journal. you're rly amazing and i rly appreciate you.