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Fireside Chats, Episode 71: Asexuality (Patreon)

Published:
2019-01-09 17:01:00
Imported:
2022-01

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Meet Max Nibler, a 19 year old college student who -- like all of us at that age -- is finding his way through life. There's a unique catch when it comes to Max, though: He's asexual. As in, he's not sexually attracted to anyone, and sex doesn't interest him at all. We sat down for a discussion about how he found his way to asexuality, what it all means, and what the future might hold for him when it comes to relationships, companionship, having children, and much more.

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Comments

Andrew

My uncle is asexual and unfortunately his wife divorced him

Daniel Schiffer
>>18758363

That's unfortunate. Sometimes people just can't give each what they need. I could never date someone asexual.

Daniel Schiffer

Colin. I wanted to thank you. I realise in hindsight I was coming to CLS for your voice (and eventually Dagan and Chris) on topics that interest me. I realise now that's not what Fireside chats is. Its an everday persons voice exploring ideas I have no inherent investment in, but could learn a thing or two. Thanks for that perspective change, I've been enjoying every episode since.

Travis Johnson

Really enlightening conversation. When I was in college I had a good friend admit to me she was asexual after I gradually developed feelings for her and asked her out. At the time I really didn't know anything about it, and generally just assumed that meant she had no interest in being with anyone at all and just left it at that. And even though I'm in a great relationship now and am happy with how everything's turned out since, I think about that sometimes and wish I had been better informed and was prepared to ask the right questions, even if only to have better understood her perspective, and not just assume it meant she wanted to be alone her whole life. Maybe that's not how she felt, who knows! I didn't think to ask! So while I can respect and appreciate that Max isn't interested in advocating for asexual representation or whatever, I do think it's valuable, and I appreciate that you've both decided to expose people to that point of view.

Owen

Glad I'm not the only straight man that recognizes pretty dudes Colin.

Owen

One thing interesting that Max said is he said he didn't really have a need to update anyone on that or let them know. I have a friend of mine who brings it up quite it often, and I always wonder why that it is. I have talked to her about it a couple of times because as you said its one those things where it can be a little difficult to wrap your head around it. But I find that aspect interesting that he doesn't really bring it up, and this other person does regularly. - Also mad respect to the young man for his bit of conversation on representation and advocacy. Was not the answer I was expecting.

Ian (616Entertainment)

This was a very interesting episode. Thanks for going outside the box, Colin (as always), and thank you too, Max, as I assume you're going to read these comments. I'm not in your situation at all, but it was interesting to hear somebody who walks in those shoes be able to not only speak freely but intelligently on the subject. Very eye opening. Good show!

Anonymous

“I often find myself noticing if a guys hot, not in a sexual way, I don’t wanna touch this dude balls” LOL. Great episode Colin, and thanks Max!

LastStandMedia
>>18762950

Hey Daniel! I'm glad you're "getting" it, as it were. The eclectic nature of Fireside Chats is to teach and learn and understand and grow... and so I'm glad that's shining through!

LastStandMedia
>>18766597

That's a super interesting experience (and point of view), Travis. It'd be hard not to take that as a blow-off, right? Especially not knowing anything about it. Anyway, glad that this episode could be useful for you. Thanks for listening!

LastStandMedia
>>18766836

Hot dudes are everywhere. It's interesting, though, because it never, ever veers into the sexual for me. So I'm wondering if it means I'm like asexually bisexual, in a way, or if it's just natural to find same sex people attractive, even for straight folks, but separate that from sexuality itself. Complicated stuff!

LastStandMedia
>>18767520

I've noticed that the few younger guests I've had on the show were/are universally smarter and wiser than they should be.

Jason Stafford

I haven't finished listening yet, but I just wanted to say this is a great topic. I thought I was going to be asexual until I wasn't. I think I was just a late bloomer. I didn't date anyone until I was 18, and even then, I had a girl cheat on me because I wasn't ready for sex yet. I think I was terrified of it. Totally different situation i know, but there was no end to being harassed by dudes and called a "faggot" because I wasn't hound-dogging some girl all the time. Mad respect to Mr. Nibler.

LastStandMedia
>>18768486

Dude, sex can be scary, especially when you're young. We all go through our different periods until we get to where we're going. =)

Anonymous

I really enjoyed this episode. The similarities between Max's experiences and mine were astonishing. I'm also a 19 year old college student who recently came to grips with being asexual. Hearing his story made me feel for the first time that I'm not crazy and I'm not the only one out there with this orientation, despite how foreign it seems to the vast majority of the population. To briefly explain what "attraction" is like to someone like me, I'd compare it most to something like Colin's example of a middle school relationship. I'm totally capable of finding someone "attractive" (male or female, but mostly female), I just have no desire to have sex with them. As far as masturbation, I see it as a purely physical necessity, and even dread the act itself, but still have some innate force that causes me to do it every so often. I look forward to hearing from Max again in the future if he ever returns to the show.

Anonymous

Hey guys, in case you didn't notice I was the guest for this episode. I'd be happy to discuss anything about it. I actually haven't listened to it myself yet as I'm a little nervous I'll just end up really embarrassed by something I said. Going on the show was an absolute honor but it was also fairly nerve wracking and I'm not certain I explained everything very well. So feel free to throw questions my way if there was something I skimmed over that you are curious about.

Ian (616Entertainment)
>>18775444

Dude, you did a great job. I was actually telling my girlfriend about the episode just now and she said she's going to listen to it as well, she's really interested in the subject. I learned a lot about the topic and that's all because of you. Don't worry about how you came off. You were great. =)

LastStandMedia
>>18774026

Wow, I'm glad that this episode struck a (positive) chord with you! That's really cool to hear. I'm wishing you luck!

Russell Garrett
>>18775444

It was great Max. Congratulations on finding the courage to put yourself out there. Good luck with everything going forward!

Jason Stafford

I definitely believe the statistic about there being more asexual women than men. There's probably a lot more of them than we even know as I suspect many of them "take one for the team" so to speak in order to have families. It might even partially explain the stereotype of sex ending or decreasing after marriage. In some ways I think it could be a blessing. Can you imagine the focus and productivity you could have if your thoughts weren't occupied with sex? Side note: Tolkien described the sexuality of Elves similarly in that they got married and got together to have children then became largely asexual and focused on other pursuits.

Lucas Gremista

This is a fascinating episode because it is probably one of the hardest for me to relate to and understand why of Max's choice. Sometimes he sounded to me like a confused 19 year old that simply still didn't figure out his situation, but in the end I was conviced that living as an assexual person it is possible and there's nothing to be ashamed about and for society to judge you for. Private life is private life and our only goal should be to be decent, respectful people. Great job Max!

LastStandMedia
>>18785880

You're describing the episode of Seinfeld where George suddenly doesn't care about women or sex anymore, and becomes a genius. It's awesome.

LastStandMedia
>>18793439

There's an element of truth to the fact that, at 19, you don't really know yourself, or much of anything. I certainly didn't. I'm still learning about myself at 34, and I cringe when I think about a lot of the things I thought and felt when I was even 25. But with Max and his story, it's a matter of innate sexuality (or lack thereof), which I truly believe we're born with. And thus, it's something that I would say really does exist in his life, but something he's now learning to grapple with. He's welcome back anytime to let us know how it's going (as it were), of course.

Arvel Crynyd

This was an interesting discussion for me, because I can relate slightly to Max, as I am a 36 year old male virgin myself (and saying this out loud does feel like as if I would out myself). Sometimes I think, the idea of having success in today's society is mainly about the idea of gaining lots of money and having lots of sex with a lot of women. Speaking as someone who has no sex at all, it seems like, that being asexual is becoming more and more like being in a closet, when lots of my friends have had girlfriends for years, marrying, getting kids and buying houses. Now, recently I went back to my home area and talked to a friend who got engaged just two days earlier and he was asking me if I had a girlfriend or not... and I more or less had to defend myself that after all those years still had no girlfriend. But having a girlfriend is not something I'm actively looking for. And that's the thing: I would call myself a asexual who is capable of having romantic feelings towards someone, but it does not involve any sexual attraction. It may happen at some point that I could find a companion but the older I get, the more I believe, I'm dying as a virgin... and that's fine with me. (also: I'm nearly three years away to the big 40, so if Judd Apatow would consider a sequel to The 40 year old virgin, I could immediately jump in :-) ) Truth be told, I have been trying to do online dating before, but it turns out, when it would come to the question how many previous girlfriends I had before and I would answer none, I feel like I'm getting taken less and less serious as a person, as if I would be considered some kind of loser. Especially if the person you are talking with online has somewhat of a sexual standard and experience you should have at that point in life where I currently am... and thus it does not become desirable to interact with them anymore... I'm sorry if I'm rambling a little bit, but it's a topic that I'm dealing with for some time actually (well, the last 36 years actually), but I haven't been able to speak about. So therefore, I'm glad that this topic has been a subject for this week's fireside chat. :-)

LastStandMedia
>>18796181

I will say what I've reiterated many times in the past: I think our society has greatly overemphasized sex, to the detriment of all of us. Sex can be intimidating, and it's sometimes hard to know how to enter a relationship or how to find someone. For me, it's all happened by chance. But I'm concerned about our overemphasis on sex and sexuality, and what that means for younger, more impressionable people who think they need to be something they're not. I've been in four long-term relationships, and have dated a few other girls for a few months at a time. I've never been one to sleep around or jump into someone's bed. And no one's judged me for it (nor should they). So... don't feel bad. Just do what you feel is best for you. For me, companionship is far more important than sex.

Marcus Brown

This was a very interesting episode. I didn't know much about the topic in discussion but I know a little now and that helps incase I know or meet someone similar. Props to Max for willing to be front and center to talk about this. Looking forward as always to the next episode.

Anonymous

This was a great episode. I'm heterosexual and have been in a relationship with an asexual girl for about a year and a half. This is the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. Companionship is the most important part of a relationship for me and I understand that now. Thanks for this episode, Colin.

Marius Skarsem Pedersen

Listened to this episode this morning, and this was a very interesting topic that I didn't know much about. Max explained it very well, I think. And talking about this will no doubt help other people who are wondering about this. I've been thinking about those connections in the brain that tie aesthetically pleasing things to our sex drive, the point being to get humans to procreate. But when those wires somehow gets mixed up, one can get sexually aroused by something that has no inherent biological reason to be tied to sexuality. Is that how weird fetishes happens? Or pedophilia? I'd say most people think kids are cute, and I guess aesthetically pleasing in that way. But there's some messed up people that have that tied to the sexuality wires, and that's the one bad connection that can really hurt someone. But asexuality doesn't hurt anyone at all, same with homosexuality. The brain is really weird, man. Long and weird post, but if we could know more about how those connections in the brain works, maybe we could learn to remove the sexual feelings pedophiles have towards kids? Can you have a brain expert or something on the show? How does this brain work, man?

LastStandMedia
>>18833819

I'm glad you enjoyed! And yeah, it was cool of Max -- particularly at such a young age -- to open up and tell us what he's been going through.

LastStandMedia
>>18939512

I mean, you hit the nail on the head with the salient comment "the brain is really weird." What's so fascinating to me about the brain is how little we authentically understand about it. If you read about the brain, and gray matter, and thought, and memory, and even things closely tethered to the brain (like sleep), you realize we understand almost nothing. Very cool. Very mysterious.

Matt Brace

I just listen to this episode it was very informative and interesting. I started to listen to back ep of fireside chat your good at interviewing people. In a future episode you should do is one on Swingers. I think it'd be interesting to hear more information about that. You're doing an awesome job keep up the good work can't wait to hear more from you. Matt

Brett Medlock

This was super interesting!

Marius Skarsem Pedersen
>>18939512

Yeah, it makes me think about if there is some untapped potential in our brain that we just don't understand yet.

Anonymous

First Max sounds mature beyond his years of 19. (or are 19 year olds more mature than I remember?) Also very interesting conversation. Prior to this I did have like an "Intro to" level awareness of Asexuality. My question would have been around how/if they still have a desire to pair bond just absent the sexual attraction element. Max answered that pretty well and like everything else in life, it sounds like there's a range of individual interest, desire and outcome seeking rather than an all-encompassing "All asexuals want (blank)." This makes me wonder how many asexual people didn't realize this about themselves until they were already in a marriage or something like that? Especially since historically we used to marry much younger. I wonder if this may have been a reason where some women, in particular, were derogatorily labeled frigid in the past? Today? I'm all for people not rushing into things under the influence of social norms, customs or assumptions. I would put something like this - where it may take someone huge chunks of their life to understand something so fundamental about themselves - as the primary reason for that more slow, cautious approach. An example of this for me is that I'm not sure I ever should have got married or had a son. Not because I don't love them, but because I'm so introverted / have such a strong need to be alone so much that most of the time I feel like I don't give my wife and son what they need and deserve in the way of quality time and the more normal forms of familial connection and bonding. BUT it sounds like Max has figured things out for himself pretty well and I applaud that.

Anonymous
>>18998139

Thank you, I'm glad I was able to answer your first question. There are certainly asexuals who end up in long term relationships before they ever realize they're asexual. It's probably less common in today's society where people are so open about sex, but think about asexuals only 100 years ago. They might not even have noticed there was anything different about the way they felt. I think it's fascinating how a person could mistake their own feelings for decades simply because they didn't have anything to compare it to. I think it's important to take things slow and I'm certainly glad that by and large, people are more understanding of differences in feelings today. I certainly do not have everything figured out for myself, but I'm working on it. Im sure that when you do find someone you will work out whatever you need to. Again, thank you for the response. I appreciate it

LastStandMedia
>>18998139

I'm glad Max could interact with you here, but I will agree with you that he sounds far smarter than I did at 19.