Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 83 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 83

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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I’ll freely admit that I’m uncultured and inelegant.

I’ll also freely admit that I couldn’t care less about being either.

There are plenty of ultra-wealthy Kindred nobles out there with massive castles filled with antiques, silks, and jewels. I would know since I bought a lot of those things wholesale, or manufactured them, so that I can sell it to them with a “Made in Ylstu” label at a massive markup.

I understood the importance of luxuries, of course. They were a way of showing off one’s wealth and connections to neighbors and peers. It was soft power, the ability to intimidate people without using power, and I cashed in on that. There was no reason for me to spit on that tradition, since it worked well enough, and it made me money.

However, I could never use that communication technique, because I’m an uncultured, inelegant young man born to two corporate slaves.

However, both my wage-slave progenitors imparted an important lesson to me when I was young.

Invest in assets.

While I’m sure they intended for me to use that advice and build off whatever I inherited, it was still a very useful piece of advice in my current circumstances.

Since I didn’t understand subtlety, I simply doubled-down on what gave the nobles their position in society in the first place. 

Power.

I understood that there was a certain ranking system to nobility. A social hierarchy built off centuries of balls, rumors, gossip, and extravagance. The alliances amongst the Kindred, which sometimes grew large enough to make Roseanne grit her teeth and be patient, were born from intricate developments of conversations, favors, and debts that are largely unwritten.

But, if I played that game, I’d just lose.

So, I didn’t bother with it.

There were undoubtedly a lot of rumors about me in the circle of my peers. Besides, whatever lecherous gossip abounded between my peers about my status as a man, they were probably talking about how I was more of a merchant, general, or sweatshop manager than a lord. I was sure that if I decided to accept an invitation to a ball of one of my more influential peers in the Kindred’s coalition, I’d be the butt of every joke and practically just be eye-candy while Kurama did her best to piece together some sort of social circle.

In short, it would be a waste of time, so I just built a massive industrial base, created a trade network that started and ended with my province, and made a strike force that I can deploy to just about anywhere in the continent in less than a week.

I’m sure some of those catty, self-absorbed bitches would still fuck around, if I attended a ball with all those under my belt… but after today that was no longer the case.

Because while they never increased their power and worth, and just battled one another in high society, I became influential enough to be noticed by foreign powers.

Balls, dances, and etiquette can only be understood by a few… but the ability to inflict a lot of violence, and sustain that violence was something everyone across the world understood.

I was going to have to apologize to Roseanne about this, but for now I was just going to enjoy being one of the few points of contact the Kindred had  to the outside world.

…

It was easy enough to have a pavilion and a few meals set up for the occasion. Everything meant to be loaded up was in clearly marked containers, and I’d ordered a few things from Ylstu to give to the locals as thanks for their hospitality. Along with those goods, I’d asked for some of the meals that my soldiers missed. Since I believed in bulk purchases, and had the money to afford it in the first place, I had plenty of the food that Ylstu was getting famous for.

The Sea Bishop seemed pleased that I was giving feeding not only her, but also her servants, so that was a bonus.

Another bonus was that the food appealed to them.

While I could certainly off a diet sourced from the ocean, I’d probably want for a few things dedicated only to land. Since all the Kindred were half-succubus, and they were all omnivorous, in hindsight, it was obvious that a ship or two serving aboveground food to water-dwelling Kindred would prove popular.

I filled that potential investment away for later, since Henri’s information on the situation was becoming pertinent.

The Lich decided to wear clothes for the occasion, most likely because she noticed that the Kindred from below the waves were also wearing clothes, and she stood beside me while the meeting place was being set up. With her talking about important things, while wearing proper clothes, I was able to take her seriously and listen… but I chose to pay attention to the most important parts instead of making the mistake of trying to listen to everything at once.

So, I clarified that I heard what I needed to hear about the background of the underwater Kinder, in order to move on with the situation.

“They call themselves Atlantis. They live in the ocean depths all over the world. They’re a massive empire that sets up trade posts with other powers and minds its own business. ” Henri blinked several times at my summary of her five-minute spiel. While most of the information was confirming a few rumors for Cellphone-chan and downright new for many others present, the lore was standard in most fantasies from my world. Atlantis was either nonexistent, or a place that was freakishly more magical and powerful than anyone could imagine. “They’re here to contact the rest of the continent to trade. We have stuff no one else has and we have a lot of appeal, so we should take advantage of that. Right?”

It took Henri a few seconds, but she nodded along as I watched the construction process.

“They have much to offer you, Lord Hikigaya. They have long ago mastered mining the ocean’s depths, thus they have many noteworthy materials to offer you for study and implementation.“ The pavilion was just about done. It was just a bunch of the tents put together, since I had them built that way, but it attracted the attention of the locals and the foreigners. It was rather revolutionary for the current time period, but I didn’t expect it to impress that much. I just had it built so that my troops wouldn’t be cramped into shitty camps, get sick, and die. “Not only that, but they have many masters of alchemy, as their alchemists have access to many ingredients all over the world, which can be used for myriad effects.”

Equipment upgrades and better consumables sounded like a very good deal, especially since most of my troops were Kindred. Most of their weapons had corruptive qualities, and their health potions and the like turned human women into Kindred themselves, but that wasn’t an issue for me. My Amazons were already outfitted well enough, had magic of their own, and I had a healer on staff that could take care of any grievous injuries that they couldn’t address themselves. They were the only non-Kindred I had on hand in the military, since most of my former, female troops thankfully found more decent jobs.

“Sounds good. I’ll ask about that… so go ahead and tell me what you really want me to ask for.” Again, Henri froze, but without all her… accessories… distracting me it was easy to read her body language. The way she kept her eyes on the Sea Bishop, as if looking for something on the Kindred’s person, was a big clue. However, having been her student, I saw a few nervous tics that most people wouldn’t be able to discern. The most prominent being how tightly she held her new staff and how she ever-so-slightly bit her lower lip. “I can see that you’re thinking of something stupid. Something that you’re willing to be punished for. So, how about you just tell me what you’re planning, so you can avoid being a moron?”

I’ve had subordinates who wanted to do stupid shit before.

It’s probably easy for everyone by the Amazons to forget, but before I started making a half-decent country in the middle of two regional powers, I happened to have to deal with mass-conscripted morons. Thanks to the fact we could communicate with one another, we were able to not just fucking die and were able to coordinate, but arguments and stupidity reared their head from time to time.

Having been the commander of an armed force for a prolonged period, I gained a sixth sense for irresponsible/suicidal stupidity, since I had to deal with a lot of it and prevent it from happening. Henri was approaching some stage of stupidity that would require severe punishment, so I gave her a smile, signaled for Ur to come up right behind her, and made it clear that I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

I handled the fact that Henri blushed look a moron and started stuttering when faced with the prospect of punishment, and waited for and explanation without so much as a twitch.

Henri turned into instantly-defeated heroine without even getting touched, but by the end I managed to extract the critical piece of information that I needed before I went into the meeting.

My shoes needed some cleaning, and my advisor had to be dragged off whilst half-delusional, but it was worth it.

I’d have embarrassed myself, if I hadn’t known about what was coming.

…

The Sea Bishop blinked multiple times at my request as she chewed a mouthful of rice with twice-friend Karaage chicken. The woman in a non-lewd clerical outfit managed to remember to chew and clear her throat to speak, while the chieftain I’d first met could only blink and stare into the distance.

“Would… would you please repeat that, Hikigaya-san?”

I usually didn’t like to repeat myself, but I was aware that my statement was kinda crazy from their perspective.

“Give me the price for all the Mermaid Blood your country has, and give me an estimate of how much you can get, because I want everything that I can get my hands on regardless of price.” They’d spent a long time talking about how precious the blood was, how sacred it was, and how lucky I was to have one guaranteed for myself. I disregarded that and bulldozed through the situation with the weight of all the money I had and that I could get my hands on. “I need every single bottle I can get to stabilize this continent by stabilizing the male population. Oh, and I need to know how much I can dilute it, before its healing and invigorating qualities don’t work anymore.”

The long-term goal of providing enough food and care to each Kindred was still in the back of my mind. I wanted to make sure every Kindred out there ate properly, even if that amount was absolutely massive, so that they didn’t’ rely on male “Mana” to get through their harsh lives. However, that plan made things difficult in the short-term, while supply chains throughout the continent were set up.

Giving an upgrade to the current source of male “Mana” throughout the Kindred territories on the continent will address that looming shortfall.

The Sea Bishop managed to speak and this time she grasped my goals.

“You would sacrifice immortality, Hikigaya Hachiman, for the entirety of your nation?” I was detecting some awe from the representative of Atlantis. The Sea Bishop’s name was Serene, but she certainly wasn’t living up to it between her blatant reactions to my words and her manga-worthy reactions to food. “How utterly benevolent of you!”

I was tempted to shoot down that thought process, especially as Cellphone-chan looked accusingly my way, but I ignored her, smiled, and nodded.

“Of course, I serve Roseanne as thanks for me life. I’m committed to seeing her country flourish.” I lied with ease, though the smile that I forced on my face was a little difficult to maintain. Muscles atrophied due to lack of use, after all. “These bottles of Mermaid’s Blood are immortality for one individual, but when properly used, it can give so much to all the servants of the Demon Lord.”

Cellphone-chan looked a little green, while Ur was staring at me like I was an alien, but Serene’s eyes watered and she gave little, choked sobs upon witnessing my selflessness.

“I… I understand now that I put so little stock on the terrors you must have been saved from.” Ah, the wonders of interacting with a stranger that I’ll never, ever meet again. Not only that, but she knew of me from the Lua’Kona chieftains. That meant that I was already held in very positive light, which I didn’t hesitate to soak up like a weed. “But I must apologize… the blood of my kin is not for sale… but with your wonderful goal, I can surely convince many of my sisters to donate droplets of blood for the creation of powerful, invigorating potions to the people of this land!”

If I were actually after multiple bottles to sell, or multiple bottles just to give myself extra lives and immortality, I would’ve reacted poorly to that statement.

And, the sudden sharpness in the Ship Bishop’s eyes was meant to detect any sign of that… but she only found a wide smile on my face at those words.

She was going to be doing the manufacturing of the potions herself! I didn’t need to make a massive facility that I needed to protect all the time from both my allies and my enemies!

I was getting exactly what I wanted, while paying less for it than I thought!

“That’s more than acceptable… and even if I can’t pay for it, I would like to donate to you and your sisters for your willingness to help so many others!” If the tears and sobs earlier were fake, the small tears ones coming out of the Sea Bishop’s eyes while she stared at me in amazement were real. She was too shocked to react to me standing and bowing her way. “Please, Bishop Serene, allow me to give as much as I can to support your monastery’s goal to help all that they can!”

I’d considered going on one knee, but felt a something in my gut telling me not to go that far, so I committed to a perfect, Japanese bow from the waist.

The reactions were more than satisfying.

Ur gave off a noise like a strangled cat.

Cellphone-chan recalled I’d never bowed to Roseanne sincerely and stood up violently before catching herself.

The chieftain of the Lua’Kona region stared at me in wonder.

But, most importantly, the Sea Bishop stood up herself and returned my bow with a gentle smile.

“Our works of charity have long been without support from honest individuals. It would be our honor, Lord Hikigaya, to take your charitable contributes and carry your will out for Demon Lord you so earnestly serve!”

Yep.

Lying for good reasons is the best.