Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 77 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 77

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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If my plans go awry, it’s always someone else’s fault, because I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t understand other people’s stupidity well enough to plan for them.

For example, my first plan in my life was to live a normal life, become a househusband, and just in case that didn’t pan out supplicate myself to corporate overlords and do my best to not work myself to death. 

That plan was ruined by the fact that I got kidnapped by morons who think that enslaving people from other dimensions as cannon fodder to be used against a species that LITERALLY gets stronger when more bodies are sent against them. 

If I had the ability to take other people from other dimensions, I’d go out of my way to figure out how to just fucking leave the hellhole I’ve found myself in. If there’s a way in, there’s a way out, and if that way out was away from a world filled with monsters that operated off of porn rules, then I’d devote my nation to that impressive goal without any hesitation whatsoever.

See?

That would’ve been the intelligent course of action in regards to the Empire’s current situation, but instead they decided to be dumbfucks and started kidnapping for cannon fodder. Regardless of how much they planned for suppressing their newly-acquired human bodies, with the sheer amount of people they were acquiring, someone was going to slip through the gaps, and be pissed off enough to go out of their way to fuck them over. 

If they’d done the logical thing, found a new planet where they could be top dog and took all their research with them, then everything would be fine. 

But, again, they decided to be complete, utter morons. 

Where am I going with this?

Well, once again, my plans have been fucked over by someone being an utter moron.

After I dealt with the Dragon in a decisive manner, I expected for there to be a lull in region’s situation. Or, rather, the region’s two situations in the form of the Chimera and the Gryphon. If I were those two, and I found out one of my two rivals for centuries suddenly go taken out, I’d be wary and paranoid. I’d do my best to investigate what the hell happened, discern what I could do to protect myself, and generally be very cautious. 

Both the Chimera and Gryphon were territorial creatures. The former had a large jungle territory to roam and the latter a fortified position in some mountains. Of the two, the Chimera was more active and came out to raid the locals for their males, while the latter typically just held ground and killed anyone who came to close by sending them high up and dropping them. Given their past, and how they kept to themselves, I expected both of them to stay put, be careful, and keep watch for anything strange.

While they were being paranoid, I’d planned to instigate them against one another by committing a few false-flag attacks. Chimera venom near the Gryphon’s hunting grounds, so that she’d think that her opponent was trying to poison her and weaken her significantly. The Chimera was more difficult to trick, but apparently it was a very prideful creature, so I assumed we could some freak tornadoes, courtesy of some ritual magic conducted by Henri. The tornadoes would tear apart the Chimera’s territory 

In the meantime, I’d expected that I would have time to get things in order, get more supplies, and consider bringing in A’Bel and Reiser just to make things go more smoothly. 

But that wasn’t the case.

The two morons took one look at the situation, saw the power vacuum, and started claiming more territory immediately.

According to the locals, they crossed paths here and there, but besides a few tussles, they separated and just kept taking more land for themselves. The various tribes in the region say they were getting visits from the Chimera, who demanded tribute, while some reported that a few hunting grounds were now marked by the Gryphon and that they’ve seen the Gryphon flying over their villages searching for men. 

Both were basically looking to get a lineage started, and things were going to get complicated if they actually had kids on the way, and sent a large enough “payment” to Roseanne for taxes.  

Basically, they decided to have a resource and territory war, instead of murdering each other like I wanted them to.

It was annoying to say the very least, since I had to work around the new development. 

…

I had two heavy-hitters on hand. 

The first was Ashe, and the other was the Dragon who’d been giving me the silent treatment since I took her down. 

Getting the Dragon to agree to community service was one thing, but having her actually work on critical problems for me was out of the question. If she was one of the pirates, just a no-name without any power and looking to survive, I’d be all for recruiting her and sending her off to fight in my name. Obviously, that wasn’t the case, and I was instead dealing with an enemy leader who was pissed off at me for fucking her over.

Metaphorically. 

Given how Kindred function, doing so literally would’ve made us best friends.

But I wasn’t into that sort of shit, so while I’d use the Dragon if things became dire, I looked for another, possible solution to the problem at hand.

We could now technically defeat one of the two problems left in the region without issue, but doing that now would just invite the other one to flank us while we were recovering from the fight. The battle against the Dragon came out without any casualties, especially since we attacked her in the middle of the ocean and basically knocked her out underwater, but both the Chimera and Gryphon were going to be fighting against us where they’re strong. 

The Chimera was poison-spewing monster with extreme agility and toughness in a lush jungle, while the Gryphon controlled the air with its wind magic, and was a strong combatant within enclosed areas. If I took down the Chimera, then it was likely that the Gryphon would swoop in and ravage my expedition with tornadoes. If we went after the Gryphon, then the Chimera might notice and spew poison where we fought, or maybe do something nastier. 

Overall, taking just one of them down would be foolish, even though it would be riskier to take on both at the same time.

But that didn’t mean both teams needed to be stronger than the other.

One team simply needed to distract one of them long enough so that the other could deal with one without worrying about being flanked.  It was a risky plan that essentially made decoys out of one force, but it was less risky than just leaving things to fate and not assuming that our opponent wasn’t going to try and enter the fight as a third-party.

Was it dangerous to split up my forces, and attack with less than what I had, so that I could prioritize targets?

Totally.

But I’ve gone against worse foes with far less and came out on top for years and years.

I’d say that I excelled at being too annoying to ignore, regardless of what my enemy’s plans were initially.

…

“You’re going to start a massive forest fire… and distract a Chimera while we fight against a Gryphon.” Ur spoke softly and slowly, practically broadcasting that she was very, very pissed off with my plan. Even in the dim light cast by the lantern at the ceiling, the Amazon’s glare was something I had to ignore in order to not show any weakness. “Hachiman, is there any reason why I shouldn’t render you unconscious for proposing such a mad plan?” 

“It’s not a mad plan. This is how we worked for years, Ur.” I spoke up and argued against Ur, while Ashe looked at me with worried eyes and Henri glared at me. I was able to handle the exhibitionist Lich thinking poorly of me, but something about the Hellhound stabbed me in the heart. “Send out a distracting force, deal with a problem, and double back to crush the distracted enemy.”

It was a tactic we used against Minotaurs and Orcs who both tended to be led by packs on the battlefield. Killing their leader typically made the rest route, and even drop whoever they nabbed in the process. Thus, the main force was attracted away by a mass of infantry, while the Amazons and whatever we had was focused upon the leader. 

This was the same, except with deadlier opponents, and better boots on the ground.

This time I was going to have a Hellhound beside me. 

“Yes, it is an old plan, whose risks we are very familiar with. It is the plan which has resulted in many of your scars and injuries, because you used yourself as bait.” Once my name and reputation started to grow, I naturally made use of it the best I could while fighting against Kindred. Any measure of control I could exert over the battlefield had to be put to use, and given my fame I was unlikely to be killed by accident, so I took to the field. “Even if our forces now are better, our foes now are far more dangerous, so does that not mean you’re to put yourself at risk once again?”

Everyone around the little table looked my way, and I didn’t hesitate to answer.

“Yes, because it’s the best way to win. Ashe, myself, and some flyers on standby to bail us out. Nothing less and nothing more.” I was tempted to back down because of their worry. I couldn’t deny what was right in front of me. Ashe, Henri, and Ur disliked the plan, even though I made it clear that it was our best course of action, because it put me at risk. I didn’t need to think about why they were worried, though. I just needed a way to get it through their skulls that this was what we needed to do, regardless of what they felt. “I have escape plans, options, and methods to get away. Hell, even if things go wrong, I’m not going to die and you can all rescue me.”

Despite the fact everyone gathered was all for me losing my pants in Ylstu and essentially acting as a dispenser, those words elicited a growl from all three individuals present. Ur practically looked murderous at the thought. Ashe was practically seething while baring her teeth. Henri, most surprisingly, looked actually like a stone-cold, unfeeling corpse the moment I mentioned it. 

I guess that they weren’t enthused about me receiving very bad touches from a complete stranger who wasn’t from Ylstu.

I appreciated it, even though I questioned why their ire couldn’t be pointed at everyone there, too.

Anyway, I cleared my throat and got all their attention back on track, before things devolved in a direction I didn’t need. 

Knowing that they weren’t interested, and in fact hated the thought of a Chimera having its way with me, was enough.

“Look. The only way anything bad happens to me is if literally everything goes wrong, which includes Ashe going down, all my escape routes going down, and all of you not managing your mission.” I looked at all three of them and made sure that they were hearing everything that I said. I had to snap my fingers in front of them a few times and repeat myself to get them out of their fugue, but I managed. “Ur, you and your Amazons specialize against magic. Without magic, Gryphons are just terrifying monsters, and you’ve fought plenty of those. You’re all likely to win, even if you didn’t have Wyverns, Harpies, and Henri helping you.”

Ur grudgingly nodded at my words after a second, before I turned to Henri. 

“If you’re that worried about me, you should be working hard right now to come with something to deal with both problems as quickly as possible.” Henri was a researcher and worker through and through. Years and years spent doggedly preparing to summon an eldritch abomination led to her having a troubling work ethic that had her focus on tasks for days and days to get things right. I used that to my advantage, despite the fact she didn’t have days to come up with the perfect solution. “So, stop complaining, get to work, and come up with a solution.”

Henri’s answer to my statement was to walk out of the tent, thus I was left with Ur as she engrossed herself in the map, and Ashe who was barely simmering down.

I hesitated, because who wouldn’t hesitate before touching a being who was part hellfire, but managed to place a hand on her head and administered a few head-pats. 

It took a moment, but soon enough Ashe’s tail was wagging and there was a brightness to her eyes that I appreciated seeing instead of barely-suppressed feral fury.

Thank god there was some semblance of cuteness in this universe.

“Ashe, you’re going to go all out in this fight. Everyone else coming back too late, or something going wrong, won’t matter if you just take down the Chimera with your full strength.” I explained the situation as simply as I could, breaking down the issues, and teaching the grey-skinned Hellhound succinctly. She had trouble with big ideas and massive plans, but if things were properly broken down for her, she excelled in carrying out her tasks to the letter. She even came up with better results than expected, if she was given enough freedom. Overall, I couldn’t ask for any other, singular warrior to trust my safety to in this mission. “It would be good to keep her alive, but if you, me, or anyone else from Ylstu is in danger, I don’t want you to hesitate to kill, okay?”

Ur looked up at those words in surprise, but when I nodded at her a sigh of relief left her. 

I could ignore their concerns, but I decided against it, especially with how strongly they reacted.

I’d already been treading thin ice around them after refusing the Life Sharing Lingerie, so this was the least I could do when I put myself at risk for my goals. 

Having a Chimera on retainer would be nice, since I wanted to put strong Kindred between Ylstu and the Empire. But in light of the situation, I decided against pursuing that particular side-objective, since it was just too damn troublesome for its own good.

I valued the lives of those in Ylstu more than I did some stranger’s, so if there was any life-threatening risk in this coming battle, I wasn’t going to hold Ashe back.

“I am to destroy, if the danger is too great?” Ashe asked in order to confirm my words. I’d told her to do this, because it would be stupid to give her the all-clear to not kill all her enemies or use all her strength. I, or Ur, needed to confirm the order for her to fight without restrictions, unless her life was at risk. “With all my strength?”

A part of me was terrified, but I managed to nod and find the words.

“Yes, if my life, your life, or any of our friend’s lives are in danger for this mission, you can destroy and kill the Chimera, Ashe.”

But, in the end, the Chimera’s life mattered less to me than anyone else’s in camp.

Except maybe for mine.