Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 61 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 61

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Commissioned by Arksoul

Wordcount: 2500

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The more I do, the more I need do, in order to make sure things don’t end up absolutely fucked.

Ylstu was naturally beginning to attract more attention, courtesy of my recent marriage, my victory over the Dullahan, and that time I nearly committed several warcrimes.

The usual.

Ashe and her werewolves reported an increased number of Empire scouts, Adventurers, and auxiliaries trying to scout out Ylstu, despite the fact the Empire’s entire frontier was fucked. Their priorities were more than obvious, since my neighbors were taking land from barely-mustered forces on either side of me, and barely facing any resistance while beyond the mountain range the Empire was rebuilding towns and setting up fortifications.

Fortifications that happened to include lots of tall towers with ballistae on them.

They weren’t a threat to high-altitude transports, but there were enough of them that any deployment was going to be suicidal. Rapidly landing troops was going to be out of the question, until I managed to figure out a way to handle those towers. They were built sturdily enough that one transport filled with satchels wasn’t going to be enough to take one out, unless they hit the top and burned the ballistae and crew out.

More of the towers were being built, grouped together to be able to support each other, and once they were completed the Empire was probably going to redouble its efforts to create a direct line towards Ylstu.

But that’s just one new problem.

The other problem was the constant stream of people coming into Ylstu tripled in size.

The diplomatic portion of my wedding was more successful than I expected.

Flying over Kindred territory and offering gifts to nobility only managed to get us a few letters of interest from nobles, but the exploits of the Amazons in the Kurama Arena garnered far more attention. Logistics and fantastical gifts exchanged between the wealthy disinterested the masses, however knowledge of strong fighters protecting a fledgling, growing nation made them pay attention, do research, and begin walking.

Less than two months after my return to Ylstu, the beginnings of a slum were forming on the outskirts of Ylstu.

I didn’t have much of a problem with that, since over time I could make enough dorms to house everyone who was coming, especially since I had a lot of available labor and wood at my disposal.
The problem was the fact that dealing with that problem burdened my bureaucracy and my security forces to the point where criminal organizations have crept in alongside the many hopeful, easily-exploitable workers.

Now, you might’ve noticed, but I said: criminal organizations, right there.

Plural.

Multiple criminal organizations want to exploit my population by offering men, drugs, and… well that’s it really. Alcohol and gambling were both under my control, so the criminals were scrambling to be the providers of both escorts and addictive substances to my populace. They were in the burgeoning slums, plying their trade amidst the shacks, and ready to do business in my town without being taxed for it.

That alone was a pretty good reason for me to go all out and kick them out of Hachimanland.

If anything was happening on my turf, which I made, and which I protected, I expected my share.

But, if they were willing to play ball, I could influence or even control the criminal underground that wanted in on the city. While I might incredibly egotistical, and doing something way out of my comfort zone, the fact remained that I knew that crime was a portion of civilization that couldn’t be stamped out or erased without serious repercussions, or immense cost, both of which I couldn’t afford while dealing with the Empire’s renewed strategy and Ylstu’s continued expansion.

Therefore, I was willing to make a deal with one of the organizations,

Naturally, of course, that was only if they weren’t coercing or selling men’s bodies without their consent.

If that was the case, I was just going to wipe them all the hell out, starting from Ylstu, and the rest of the continent, along with any nobility who supported them.

With that in mind, after getting my bearings straightened out, getting used to being married and having maids, and working for a few weeks on what Ylstu needed to have done, I finished my breakfast, went up to my officer, and began my chat with the three leaders of the three criminal organizations that entered Ylstu.

Hm? What’s that?

You thought I was going out to the slums, investigate, and get up to wacky hijinks before I began handling the crime problem in Hachimanland?

Well, if I didn’t have literal Demon, several dozen Amazons, and a former Hero on my side, I suppose I’d have to do something like that.

But I do have a literal Demon, several dozen Amazons, and a former Hero on my side.

So, the ones who get kidnapped in the middle of the night for a nice chat in the morning are the criminals.

Not me.

…

“I want you all to listen to me very carefully. I am a very busy person with a lot of responsibilities to handle. I dislike having to deal with additional problems on the top of those that I already have.”

My table was filled with stacks of reports and papers. Each one was important, because they were updates on all the state-run projects that I wanted updates on, and I usually spent the first day of every week reading through a textbook’s worth of updates on what was being doing with my money. Now, I was going to have to pull overtime, because of a bunch of people who didn’t know their place.

“There will be no bargaining, there will be no compromises, and there will be a time for questions at the end, which I will answer as long as they’re not stupid.”

I didn’t bother with the names of the three Kindred that were captured. In fact, as they wriggled and squirmed in their bindings, I barely paid them any attention. I was more interested in the fortress that the Empire was making just a dozen kilometers away from the foot of Ylstu’s mountain range.

“All three of you are here, because you’re offering my citizens a service I don’t want to provide. By all means, no matter how you try to defend yourselves by saying my Kindred bought your services themselves, all three of you conducted business on my land, without my permission, and without paying taxes, therefore you’re all unequivocally criminals I can just have killed. Your lives are mine.”

The fortress’s outline was large enough to hold incredible amounts of supplies, therefore it could be used the staging area for an entire army. Could I sabotage it? I have a lot of Dwarves, and with some work, they could be put towards sapping the underground of the staging area. Hell, they could even blow up the base of the towers, just before I send in troops to torch everything the Empire’s set up.

I wrote that down, handed off the report to one of Tanis’s new aides, and as she scampered away, I glanced at the hardened, veteran criminals.

The first one was a Tankuki and she’d already pissed herself and was crying through her blindfold. She was probably just a merchant who didn’t make it, wanted to get a cut of another market, and bought into some shady stuff.  She wasn’t wearing anything besides the rope that tied her down, because she was nabbed while taking a shower.

The second was handling the situation a little better, in that she was just shaking, and shivering in her bindings. She was Nekomata and also as naked as the Tanuki, but that was more because she had to be thoroughly searched after they kept finding more and more weapons on her. I’d rather not know where she kept some of the things, she had on her. I’d like to think the criminal had access to magic, so she could hide things away in her skin or something, but if something can be lewd in this world it usually is.

The third gang leader was a Lizardman, or to be more accurate, a Lizard-type beastwoman. Scales, tail, claws, etc. She was the only one of the three that wasn’t shaking, and was actually clothed, because when she was cornered, she surrendered.

I didn’t like that at all, so I wasn’t planning on cutting any deals with her.

Smart criminals are never worth the trouble.

Anyhow, I kept addressing the trio, while A’Bel loomed behind the three of them, while Ur and Reiser were at my back.

“Henri, tell them about the drugs they’re selling on my streets.”

“The narcotics that have entered the market are mostly based off the Euphoria plant, which creates intoxicating feelings of pleasure that are incredibly addictive, and likely to rob an individual of reason; permanently making an individual feral in the process.” The head of my department of magic spoke with less emotion than she usually did, making even the Lizard shake as the Lich spoke to them directly. “I have found traces of these in a few of the men they command. None are showing symptoms of withdrawal, so they are not addicted, but it is a very near thing.”

Henri actually wore clothes today, probably because we were handling more serious matters, and not at all because I’ve instituted a minimum dress code of at least panties and a bra. She was leading a small committee of perverts that were gathering a lot of Ylstu to send letters in regards to allowing anyone to wear whatever they want, while doing her best to wear next-to-nothing every day. She was honestly a bigger headache than these three, but at least she was getting work done, and paying her taxes. Hell, she was even turning Zombies into Phantoms, so she was making breakthroughs on her hobby while she was at it.

What was I doing again?

Oh, right.

Threatening all of the criminal underworld that exists in Ylstu.

“We wouldn’t be talking to each other if I found a single man in Ylstu addicted to your drugs, or a single one of my Kindred becoming feral, so… you’re welcome. I have saved your lives from your own stupidity. There’s no need to thank me.” The Driders were expecting another batch of their people to arrive soon. Something about a graduation or something from their tribes. Three dozen were incoming relatives, but another two dozen were coming in from reservations. Thankfully, I had enough room for all of them, even though it meant making apartments suited just for Driders. “So, here’s the deal: two of you are leaving Ylstu forever, while one of you stays, and becomes my contact with the criminal underworld. You get a salary, you get my protection, and you unofficially do whatever the hell I tell you, unless you want to die.”

I checked the clock.

Half of my morning was already gone.

Where does the time go while you’re threatening criminals with exile/community service?

I had the Tanuki ungagged by A’Bel first. My Demon removed her gage and placed an armored hand upon her head, and smiled as she patted her.

Man, why can’t A’Bel be this intimidating all the time?

“I’ll leave. Please, let me leave. Exile. I’ll take it. No more, please. Take everything. I don’t care!” The Tanuki cried and broke down. The Nekomata started shivering in fear at her words, but didn’t do anything more. The Lizard just straightened up more, as if she was proud of herself for not being afraid, which meant she was an idiot. “I’ll never do anything like this again. I’ll go home, so please let me go!”

I took in her words, and looked at A’Bel, who had a ferocious, fanged smile on her face as she shook her head.

“Lying while a Demon has your head in her grip. You’re either brave or stupid. Well, whatever, you’ll figure it. Imprison her. Give her to the Royal Guard when they come by.” Oh? What’s that yell of surprise and sudden burst of activity? Did you seriously think that I’d let you go keep being a criminal, when I’ve already caught you? Well, surprise, you’re going to be imprisoned by the highest authority of the Kindred, who I hear really, really hates you guys. Have fun. “Next one. Don’t waste my time.”

The Nekomata took a moment to shake in terror as two Amazons dragged the struggling Tanuki away, while A’Bel undid her gag and placed her hand between her twitching ears.

“I… I am willing to comply with all your demands. All my knowledge, assets, and abilities are yours, and I will not raise my hand against you ever, if you choose to exile me.” The Nekomata spoke through fear and dread, but she managed to utter every single word she wanted to utter. I kept an eye on the Lizard. The short-haired, green-haired girl was scowling. Wow, strike three before you even got the chance to speak. How sad. “Please… spare my life!”

I waited for a second, before shrugging and making my decision after A’Bel nodded once.

“Gag her again. We’ll take her.” The Lizard tried to stand up and protest at my words, but A’Bel was already on her and undoing the bindings on what covered her eyes. The career criminal with a backer, an ace-in-the-hole, or whatever else could only widen her eyes when she saw who exactly was in front of her: Kurama, ready to use a spell she told me about only after she married me. “Kurama, put in false memories, and extract everything you can. Then, send her out of Ylstu.”

I turned my attention back towards the Nekomata, while I took another report off the “In” pile.

“As far as I’m concerned, you happen to be criminal scum, and I feel like shit having to deal with you instead of locking you away, or having you judged by your fellow Kindred.” Public juries typically only had one kind of ending for drug dealers amongst the Kindred: execution. “So, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to play the part of criminal, you’ll be selling drugs to my undercover agents, and playing up everything you’re doing by being wildly wealthy.”

I’ll have this Nekomata play herself off as a massive, hotshot drugdealer that my people can’t touch. Her entire “organization” will just be my agents, ready to pounce on any other criminals not involved, and maybe pretend to be a massive criminal organization that’ll scare away all the other ones. She’ll also be a convenient target for anyone after the fake underground economy of Ylstu, instead of me.

I win, because I hopefully scare off or intimidate other criminal organizations who want in.

And, I win, because if something goes wrong someone willing to lead a person to a life of addiction dies.

Therefore, without a semblance of a doubt, this is a win-win situation for both me and her.

Now… what’s this next report about?