Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 22 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 22

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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Needless to say, I’m going to be the most perfect househusband possible. Given the fact that my financial stability is required for my future projects, as well as Ylstu’s continued, rapid growth, I have no choice in the matter. In regards to being a husband, I need to be utterly pristine and beyond reproach. For the sake of money, I must sell my honor, pride, and body, but if that money goes towards destroying the Empire, then it’s honor, pride, and a body well-spent.

Anyhow, being the perfect partner for a monster is relatively simple, given the absurdly low standards required to be a husband. I mean, I’m not anyone special back in Japan. Between my looks and my attitude, I’d go as far as to say that most girls would go “eww” or “shove off, creep” in my immediate presence, unless they had a reason to interact with me. Therefore, given my past dream of being a househusband, it was in my express interest to get several, key things required in order to be a partner who won’t get divorced and become destitute with a child left entirely to him sans any child support whatsoever.

Damn you, Japan. If a man is divorced and left with the child, he shouldn’t have to become a wage-slave just to care for his kids! At least, give me the fantasy that if someone divorces me, I’ll get to live a decent live with my kid who’ll undoubtably hate me and prefer their mother! 

Where was I?

Right.

The qualities of being a perfect househusband.

It’s pretty much the same as being a perfect housewife.

Appearance is incredibly important, but I’ve got that relatively handled. My looks are average and I go out of my way to bathe, as well as groom myself. It pretty much makes me look like an otome game side character. Not an important one, just a side-character with a different hairstyle, eyes, and demeanor to give the world some depth, but that’s an improvement on most men who’ve been pampered for years or their entire lives. If a man can let themselves go, they will, so most men are living it up with hardly effort put into their appearance or weight.

Thankfully, not far enough for all Monsters to have Ugly Bastards for husbands, but going unshaven, not cleaning properly, and othersuch things have them lower the bar enough for me to hit the upper-tire of average. I’m not the pretty boys and studs lugged around by the middle-class and the wealthy, but I’m certainly bad enough to be essentially a welfare unit for the F2Ps. I’m at least, a very high-spec three-star unit… especially when considering the other aspects of being a househusband!

Years of fighting in the battlefield have essentially made me impervious to being annoyed by screeching and shitty personalities, therefore I have high HP. Not only that, but I’ve spent many years cultivating my body, so that I wouldn’t die, therefore I also have a low cooldown and decent sustain during battle. Then, of course, there are my skills. Cleaning, Cooking, and Caring (False) are all at least A-Rank. In fact, given the fact that I now know how to get rid of bodies, I’m sure my Cleaning has been given a Skill Upgrade to EX. I can cook, clean, and care for you, as well as dispose of any bodies! Dead or alive! 

Hmmm, yes, without a doubt I had the skill necessary to pull in a big fish and have it bless my efforts to destroy the Empire. 

So, all that matters is practice and execution. 

Thankfully, I had a Lich to help with both.

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The initial plan was simple. Using all that I knew, Henriette would grade me on how to be a househusband. Given she existed in an age where brides were wed off to husbands and expected to placate them forever in return for a nice life, she knew what I needed. I a way, her prior occupation to being a Lich was being a housewife, so she was definitely my Senpai in matters of homemaking. Indeed, with all her boasting, I’d expected her to be a tough, no-nonsense character who’d point out my mistakes and throw them at me, so that each one would go through me like a sword for a rather amusing caricature.

Unfortunately, at the end of our baseline run, she has imprinted her face upon the dining room table and stated that she can do nothing to help me.

Why?

Because, apparently, I already exceeded all expectations exponentially. 

“How. How can someone so well versed in everything regarding the home and treatment of a spouse be such an utter bastard?” Are… are you crying, my magical researcher who makes me bombs and goodies to use for the Empire? Is this going to affect your ability to make me bombs and goodies for use against the Empire? If so, please tell me what I did wrong. If I’ve only hurt your feelings and made you lose faith in reality, please continue, as long as you’re sure it doesn’t affect your work. “You tend to every menial task possible. You cook meals yourself and serve them with a smile. You offer your body without hesitation and surrender yourself for use after a long day. How… how could such a perfect series of techniques exist with a heart as black as you?”

So, that whole “would you like dinner, a bath, or me?” technique is super effective against female breadwinners too, as long as they’re monsters. 

That’s nice to know.

I’ll keep that as an ace-in-the-hole against my future spouse, I suppose.

“I…I don’t know what to say in all honesty. You… you… frustratingly have every idea correct and can execute it. This baseline test has simply clarified to me that you’re a damned perfect husband.” Henri ran a hand through her hair, while the other pinched the bridge of her nose. Her skin was pale and her lips blue. For a dead woman, she sure can glare at someone with disgust. You know, given your choice of wearing lacy lingerie, stockings, and a garter belt beneath your cloak, there’s probably a whole manga series with you as a heroine back home. Or, at least, a Web Novel. “A princess with your mindset would have a king wrapped around her fingers… and in this era you can most likely do the same with any Monster.”

Given my innate resistance against disgusted faces being aimed my way, I was able to do pay attention to more than the fetishistic nature of the situation.

“So, this was a waste of time, because I’m perfect. Huh, why didn’t I plan for that?”

“Please, don’t say such words. It makes my stomach roll. And, I’m dead.”

“You said it yourself.”

“Indeed, I did. And, I hate the fact that I did immensely.”

Henri stood up and shook her head, while taking a few deep breaths. Some shitty protagonists would leer and look at the leggy, pale woman wearing only lingerie, but I was more focused on enjoying true culture: having someone admit that I’m pretty great, even though they hate me. Hmmm. Yes. While ecchi has its place in the hearts of young men, having someone admit you’re great, much to their dismay, is a cultured taste only men of goodly age can truly appreciate. Man. It sure is great to be perfect. 

“Please, don’t say what you’re thinking. I already hear it and it hurts my Phylactery. Therefore, if you wish to keep me on your retinue and not some idle dust, don’t say a word.” The former-Noble, Lich walked over to the wine cabinet in my little mansion. I didn’t drink, given that I had better things to do with my time than become even more depressed, but it was emptied and restocked fairly regularly. It wasn’t coming out of my coffers, and I didn’t care what my employees did with their money, so my only question was if Undead could even become drunk. Henri seemed to enjoy her glass with dinner and was sent on enjoying another now. “Whoever is being sent to be your wife shall be betwixt between your fingers before the week is over, if you show her a modicum of the aptitude you’ve presented today. It’ll take less than a day, if you treat her exactly as you treated me for all the time you’ll spend together.”

Huh. 

Well.

That’s neat.

Alright, then. Thank you for your help, Henri. You can go.” So, if I do the absolute minimum of what I’d initially planned, I’ll get incredible amounts of success. Therefore, it goes without saying, I should do my absolute best, so that I could get the maximum amount of return for my time. Off the top of my head, I could come up with only one possible improvement that I could work on for my future-wife’s arrival tomorrow. “Tell Tanis got come over. I need her help to prepare a meal for tomorrow.”

“You’re going to prepare your future wife dinner late into the night too!?”

Jeez.

Monsters sure are hung up about being treated like they’re people who should be appreciated, huh?

I’d laugh if it wasn’t so sad—nah.

I’m totes going to laugh and take full advantage of the situation.

No question.

…

While I’d like to take credit of making the roads that led to Hachimanville, I couldn’t. The monsters have Roseanne on their side, and she came from a long line of Roseanne’s before her, meaning they’ve always been led by individuals who weren’t idiots. Their territory took up the majority of the continent, and most Monsters weren’t born with wings, so roads were necessary to bind together the various tribes and small countries into a cohesive nation through threats of armies from the capital falling upon them the moment they rebelled. So, the Monsters knew how to make very good roads for both their armies and their trade convoys, and Tanis took advantage of that and the constant growth of trade in my little staging area.

The tolls and taxes involved in just about all the trade incurred in my land was essentially lugged over to pay for proper stone roads through the mountains and into Ylstu. Thankfully, given the fact Monsters enjoyed magic and non-squishy bodies, it wasn’t a monumental undertaking of epic proportions, but actually cost just as much as my hiring of Dwarves and arming them with explosive scrolls. The road will effectively pay for itself in a year, then I’ll channel all the funds towards my budding air force. 

Or, maybe, a train.

Maybe a few trains. 

The closer Roseanne though Ylstu is the sooner I get reinforcements, after all. 

Eh, I’ll consider that thought for later, or at least send the idea over to Roseanne, so I don’t have to spend a dime. 

What matters is that the newly-finished road into my little town was now being crowded all the way up to my little mansion.

“Oi, did this place get packed with idiots while I was away? And where’d the money come from to make this all happen?” I really appreciated having more bodies between me and the Empire, preferably bodies that were killing Empire soldiers in turn, but I didn’t expect the turnout for my future wife’s arrival to be so large. I’d told Tanis to make an event of it, and gave her some rudimentary plans about how to have festivals, stalls, and itineraries, but what I was seeing now was pretty up there in terms of crowds. I was having High School Rom Com Festival Arc Flashbacks. “This better not put me into more debt. I’m already bending over enough to appeal for what I already owe, y’know?”

“The funds were contributed by Empress Roseanne, after I sent her a report regarding your plans to host a celebration for your bride.” Tanis was unusually terse as she looked upon the proceedings. She was really going at the sweets being sold by the nearest stall. Whoever owned that thing was making a killing. It’s like everyone in town has developed a sweet tooth this week. “She approves of your gesture of affection to your future bride and encourages it immensely.”

“That’s good. The less money we spend on shit like this the better.” My words seemed to attract some attention from my gathered compatriots. Ur raised an eyebrow, while my Henri, Ashe, and Tanis suddenly weren’t as interested in their food as they used to be. “What? She’s here to give me cash? What’s the point of spending money on her, if I could just play up being a perfect husband and get free money?” 

Seriously, it’s like these girls don’t pay attention sometimes. I suppose it’s only natural for employees/assets to think they’re not being treated correctly, after another one gets more fanfare for them. That doesn’t mean it’s not stupid thought. They’re all equally just people I’ll be using for my own gain. 

“This woman’s just like the rest of you. An asset I’ll be keeping in line, except she just happens to have something that means I can’t treat her like I’d want.” If I had a choice between acting like the perfect househusband and being myself, while getting what I wanted in the process, then I’d naturally choose to be myself. It takes continuous, daily effort to be a decent human being. Therefore, I had no interest in it whatsoever. My time’s better spent on projects that’ll get the Empire to keel over and die a pathetic death. “So, I expect you all to treat her decently, or at least avoid her, because she’s how I’m getting my projects paid for.”

Tanis looked like she wanted to say something else, but I ignored her in favor of stepping down from the steps of my house onto the carriage-way. The entire roundabout was taken over by the procession of four carriages, each one covered in confetti, and hopefully filled with bags of gold. Unfortunately, they weren’t magical carriages without drivers, but ones that were obviously meant to withstand long weeks of travel. The horses were skeletal in nature, which thankfully meant that our stables weren’t going to get filled up, but the Drivers were Kunoichi.  

My wife is going to fill my house with Assassins under her direct command.

Joy.

The four drivers in fishnets and fetishized ninja costumes dismounted, leaping from their seats, while the doors to the carriage opened. When the drivers landed, they were beside a eight others, making a dozen in total lining the path between me and the carriage that had stopped right in front of my home. One went to open the door of the carriage, while two made fucking handseals to make a red, velvet carpet between me and my monstrous bride. 

The first who left it was an Ochimusa, a warrior who became Undead, and probably the source of the undead horses. Between her and the Kunoichi, it was likely that I’d have to keep Ur and Ashe closer in order to feel safe, but I ignored her in favor of looking at my politically-appointed cash cow for the rest of my life.

Wow, a red-haired, seductress ara-ara type Kitsune.

What a surprise.

Not.