Somehow, The Countryside Is Different. 4 (Oreigaru x Tohou) (Patreon)

Somehow, The Countryside Is Different. 4 (Oreigaru x Tohou) 

…

Commissioned by Chaosbrain and Shaderic

Wordcount: 1000 + 2500

…

I’m going go ahead and repress the fact that I had a stress-induced heart attack/stroke. Though I’m certainly curious as to how I survived it, I’m not curious enough to question it. Nope. Nada. Zilch. Hikigaya Hachiman has no interest whatsoever in regards to how he survived an encounter with a Loli-Baba Vampire. Hikigaya Hachiman only wishes to open his eyes, take stock of his surroundings, and make his way back to his super-powerful girlfriend and hide behind her, because being brave just isn’t worth the trouble.

Unfortunately, from the moment I opened my eyes, I received an answer as to how I survived.

Naturally, it was in the form of another little girl, in another strange outfit, with a eccentric features. Thankfully, this time it was original, since the whole motif was apparently to be in a sleeping gown and the completely chaste sort. Still, while I’d applaud an individual who came up with her character design, after my run-in with a Vampire, I was less than enthused to meet with yet another overpowered young woman with unreasonable motives and unknown opinions. 

“Good evening. I have healed you. Please, stand up, go to your girlfriend, and save my library from destruction.” Huh. Alright, nix my shitty opinions. Those words were informative, gave me a clear objective, and the reason why I was aided. While I’d certainly question someone helping me out of the goodness of their heart, it’s another matter entirely when their own self-interest and complete lack of regard for me was evident. Yep. This girl was looking at me like a piece of trash that she didn’t want to spend time with. Finally, someone that makes sense in my current situation. “And, if you can, please tell Remilia that she is an idiot, and that boredom is no excuse for getting her mansion destroyed.”

Now, I’d seen Reimu crash a Chinese, green dragon with red whiskers lengthwise into the dining room. However, given the size of the mansion, that dragon had only smashed through the windows of the massive mansion. The entire place had been sturdy to, so even though I was put through enough stress to kill a man, I hadn’t been crushed to death by debris. Thus, my assumption was that if I woke up at all, I’d find myself in the ruin of a dining room.

Instead I looked upon a destroyed ruin that perfectly, neatly surrounded a library wing, due to the efforts of a red-head in a modest, servant outfit with batwings coming out of her head. The maid that made dinner was also inside the library, watching over a blonde little with branches stuck in her back. She looked pretty worried though, glancing continuously upward with every shake of the ground, before turning her attention back upon her charge. There were also a bunch of fairies in maid outfits flittering about listlessly. I knew nothing about them, but they seemed to be just generic mobs without any actual personality, so I paid them no attention.

Still, it was more than a little difficult getting up.

“Oh. I see. You’re still hurt. Hold on.” For a second, I foolishly thought that something normal was going to happen. Maybe, my mysterious, pink-clad, purple-haired benefactor would offer me a hand, so that she could pick me up and help me to my feet. Maybe, I thought, she’d even offer me a handkerchief so that I could work on wiping off the blood on my face, after she helped me up. However, instead, I found myself levitating off the ground in a sphere of green energy. “I shall fix the lingering effects of your stroke and grant you stamina. Koakuma has plenty, so she won’t mind.”

“EH!? WAIT, NO-” Screamed the red-haired, bat-winged, and spade-tailed girl maintaining a barrier that was getting hit with stray lightning, before something surged out of her, into the moon-badge wearing woman in front of me, and finally surged towards me. Heat filled me. Not the normal, temperature kind of heat, but something akin to the feeling of puttying a hand between magnets, but heated up, and through the whole of my body. It passed through me, granting me strength and stamina, but the important part was the thing I hadn’t noticed. Complete feeling returned to the left side of my body. I’d thought I’d simply been asleep too long, but apparently, I’d actually had a severe enough stroke that I’d almost, permanently lost my left side. See, this is why Loli-Babas shouldn’t be allowed to exist. “AH!”

“Thank you for your services towards keeping us alive. I’ll let you have the day off tomorrow, but keep working for now.” So, this is the power of a boss who needs a nap, huh? Scary. From now on, if I ever have a boss, I’ll make sure that they’re never cranky. Wait, since I’m going to move into a shrine, then my boss’ll be Reimu, huh? Well, keeping her happy is already a full-time job, so I suppose that’s a none issue for me. Hooray for completely lack of corporate regulations! “Now, I see that you’re feeling better.” And, I’ve been dropped on the floor outside of the safety zone surrounding the library. It’s mostly ash, dust, and broken things everywhere. “I’ve saved your life from my boss, so now save my library. If possible, make sure that Remillia is beat up for being an idiot first, but I won’t be unhappy if you don’t manage that.”

I would like to say that I managed a snappy one-liner, maybe along the lines of threatening them with me not doing anything, so that they would help me more… but I decided that dodging out of the way of a falling, marble pillar was more important. 

And, since I screamed while doing it, any hope of threats working went down the toilet. 

Still, it wasn’t bad to get an extra life, even if did come with the caveat of getting between my girlfriend and a pedophile’s fetish. I would’ve really liked to have Reimu keep going, but being brought back to life is kinda a big deal. Mostly because I had a girlfriend. If you take that out of the equation, I’d probably just walk away and let the battle play out, given the fact that just being given my life back after being killed isn’t really a good exchange. But that wasn’t the case. I had Reimu and I was grateful enough to try and do as I was asked. 

Just enough to warrant stopping Reimu from hurting someone for hurting me. 

At least, here.

If they moved elsewhere, then I’d get to see a Loli-Baba destroyed and fulfill my end of the bargain, right?

…

As far as after-battle scenes went, I walked into something that definitely deserved a two-page spread and color more than the typical trash that got all the fat mouthbreathers all hot and bothered. 

There were still pieces of the mansion still standing, besides the reinforced and protected library. Whole sections of walls with very, very fancy wallpaper and paintings were still standing and in pristine shape. Those segments stood over what was practically a battlefield filled with talismans, scorched earth, and broken, heirloom items centuries old. A chandelier stood upon the remains of a grand staircase, half melted and eerily sending out little strands of lightning. A bust of my hostess jutted out of a small pile of broken furniture that looked as though a mini-tornado drilled trough them as they were brought before it. Silverware and ivory plates were everywhere, either simply scattered or broken, amidst freshly fallen ash.

Seriously, I never thought that I’d feel poor in a battlefield, but here I am really questioning whether being brought back to a girlfriend-filled life was worth not reducing the rest of this to dust. Couldn’t I let the rich get beaten up a little more? As the child of wage-slaves, I must admit that I wanted all this old money to burn away some more. Right now, if Remilia Scarlet salvaged all of her wealth, she’d still be richer than me. Couldn’t I let the battle go on farther, just so we she’d be destitute for a little while?

Unfortunately, before I could make my decision as I ran through the battlefield that used to be an entire, stereotypical Victorian manner., I stumbled upon the battle.

No. 

I didn’t trip.

I stumbled.

“Pahahahah, so this is what a Miko truly is! Magnificent! Wonderful! Excellent!” Remilia Scarlet was apparently going full Alucard at the moment. She was floating high in the air, with bat wings stretched out, and her features were utterly different from before. Maybe it was just because of my primate, normal human brain, but I wasn’t seeing jailbait anymore. Instead I was looking upon something more like a mass of blood wearing a nightgown and a hat, with eyes that shone like the sun. It was like my brain got lazy and decided to replace every single one of her features with a whirling, slightly-red darkness, but since I could now look at the Vampire without having a stroke, I was more than happy enough to accept my brain’s lazy decision. Good job, brain. You’re working less AND keeping me alive! “To think that you held back so much when we first fought… and that I was foolish enough to kill your lover and risk the lives of everything that I cared for!”

“If you think mentioning them will change my mind, you’re wrong.” Oh. Never mind. My brain was just reserving all its ability to perceive terror and intimidation for Reimu. Where did the young woman who could look at someone with dead eyes exist in the girl I knew? I certainly didn’t know anyone who could stand so still and emotionless, but there she was doing just that. I had no clue how she could exude such dread without gritting her teeth or growling, but she was managing it by simply speaking without any semblance of emotion. “This only ends one way, Remilia Scarlet. You leaving Gensokyo, or I fulfill my role as its protecter by getting rid of the one thing that’s making me consider letting the barrier wither away into nothing.”

Now, even if I were an almighty Vampire with the ability to call down lightning and had a wicked blood-red spear that could probably cause Third Impact, I’d happily take the offer to leave. Remilia Scarlet, for all her showmanship and freakiness, had seemed to act on some sort of fucked-up logic while we were spending time together. The reason why she did everything that she did was to get some excitement in life, until she got frustrated by biting off more than she could chew, and giving me a stroke that left me bleeding and nearly dead. If I’d done something along those lines to someone who was supposed to guard and practically rule over the place where I lived, which included gods, I’d try to explain myself, fix my mistake, and hope for exile into a world that didn’t understand and accept me.

Though, I have to admit that I was used to a world that didn’t understand and accept me, so my opinion is biased.

Unfortunately, Scarlet was just as biased in her opinions as I was.

Even though there was sweat forming upon her brown, even when I started to see the living, breathing being instead of a monster covered in blood, and while fear finally reached her, Remilia Scarlet remained a proud and honorable Vampire that saw her actions through. For her, accepting the consequences of her own actions is a necessity. Running away is something that she’ll never do. It was simply because she was the stereotypical, average Vampire that had hated being called a stereotypical, average Vampire.

In other words, because she was an idiot, she was going to keep fighting, because she had to see her actions through, simply because it would be cowardly otherwise.

Or, once again in vernacular of a differing sort, it’s because she’s an idiot. 

“Then, it seems as though I’ll truly have to enjoy Gensokyo one last time, Reimu!” The stereotypical, noble Vampire wasn’t the sort of person who was reasonable by any standard. Heck, she’d given me a stroke because I’d insulted her. There was also the fact that she was going to eat me because I wasn’t interesting. In every single possible path, ever since I “died” there was only answer Remilia Scarlet could give. She swallowed her fear, returned her state to that of a monster, and stood fast surrounded by lightning and blood atop the ruins of her home. “Come, then! Let me see your true strength! Let me see the results of my actions!”

Remilia Scarlet was the sort of idiot who’d take responsibility for everything she did, so that those who cared for her wouldn’t have to suffer. 

“Yeah. That’s good.” And, Reimu was going to go through with it. Every single, possible joke aside, Reimu’s current state wasn’t anywhere close to reasonable. I didn’t think I mattered enough for her to lose her sense of control, but I wasn’t enough of a moron to not believe what I was hearing and seeing. She stood there gazing into the distance, her body practically unmoving, yet I had no doubt that the majority of the damage done to the mansion was by her hands. When she actually focused, looking at Remilia after the Vampire accepted being killed, the smile on her face was wide but didn’t reach her deadened eyes. “It’s very good.”

If I were some sort of Shounen protagonist, this is the part of the situation where I run forward and interrupt the fight. Heck, if I were a supporting character in a Shounen manga with Reimu as the protagonist, then I’d be able to do something. However, that’s not the case. I didn’t even have a chance to do anything besides breathe, before they charged one another, a shadow covered in blood and thunder on the backfoot and desperately trying to win, while the other was a Miko who avoided every attack, while wielding a staff like a sword and sending out blasts of magic with her free hand. 

Lighting broke against a barrier of talismans, which surged forward and turned into birds made of flame that avoided Remilia’s spear and attacks. They burned her, but even as she screamed in pain, she sent an entire wave of pure power that crushed everything between her and Reimu. Against that, there was the same response. Talismans take the attack, they surge forward, and the attack is turned into a counter that harmed the Vampire without Reimu even taking a single step. When Reimu moved, she somehow crossed the distance between her and Remilia in a single step, and her Ofuda flashed forward in her grip. One moment, Remilia had two wings and the next she had one. 

And, that all happened while I was scrambling or something to hold onto.

I had to hold on to the ground just to not get blown away by the shockwaves of the fight.

Goddammit, how was I supposed to stop something like this!?

This wasn’t a five-second fight. It’s a three-episode fight. Maybe even an entire freaking movie! Only bullshit of the most extreme caliber could hope to let me even have a chance at getting a word in to the situation… let alone actually do something that could stop it—

And, I’m now falling from the sky towards the battle, past a black-winged woman in western clothes who had a Polariod.  

What the fuck!?

…

Falling is terrifying. Anyone who’d willingly do it is insane. Even if you have a parachute, I’d say jumping out of a plane that’s in perfect condition would be stupid. Heck, I’d go as far as to see bungee jumping is an idiotic notion, too. There’s absolutely no valid reason whatsoever for anyone to trust a simple contraption that was checked by some poorly-paid, part-time worker with their life. Planes are checked, evaluated, and verified before they take off. Cars and busses are maintained and expected to be in perfect order. Parachutes and bungee cords? All it’d take is one person with a bad day to end my existence.

Yet, I had neither as I fell quickly through the ground. 

The wind was chilly, the girl who I’d appeared before was busy trying to get her dropped camera, and the ground was rapidly coming towards me with ill intent. So, I’m going to die from falling. I can’t say that I didn’t expect this ignoble end. Even though I’d planned to avoid wage-slavery my entire life, and the fact that I found myself with a way out of it in the countryside, as a Japanese man, I couldn’t disregard the notion that I’d one day choose to step out of my shoes and let go of all my problems by jumping off the top of a building. It’s not a personal issue, either. That’s just how things are for any Japanese male and modern society.

Still, even though I’d contemplated the notion of falling to my death, I found myself really, really underestimating how much time it gave me to think, regret everything, and strongly desire to live and have another chance.

By how much you ask?

“Oh, please, whoever’s listening. God, Buddha, Kami-sama, or whatever, if you’re listening please fucking save my life!” Enough to renounce and offer up my faith to anything and anyone listening. I’m sorry, Reimu, I really like the Shrine aesthetic and the notion of worshipping nature peacefully, but nature is my current problem. I currently have no interest in the rapidly approaching Earth and the rapidly passing skies. Everything that I am and will be is therefore available to whomsoever decides to save me from my inevitable demise. I’m only a human being. When deaths on the line, my standards are zero, so I am without shame. “Satan? Lucifer? Hello, hello? Are you listening? If you get me out of this issue, I’ll gladly give you a timeshare on my soul. Just half, because I’m sure Reimu’ll keep the other half. Honestly, I’m saving you a lot of trouble by giving you only half, I swearrrrr!”

Naturally, even though I called for help, not one of them came. 

Mostly, probably, because Reimu decided that I had no right to give away half my soul to anyone without her permission. I don’t know how she heard me, nor did I even see how she managed to get to me, but midway to my descent towards the ground, she plucked my out of the air and landed with me in her arms. Her eyes were wide, that terrible expression that she had earlier was gone, and she searched for any clue that I wasn’t who I was. 

When those clues came up zero, the slight grip left by her experiences faded away, while tears welled in her eyes.

“You’re okay. You’re alive. You’re here.” The words were so quick I nearly didn’t catch them. It was less of a statement and more of a rapid chant. Her grip on me tightened, as she carried me in her arms, and she all but cradled me against herself with her arms alone. Some part of me complained about being emasculated, but I didn’t care. Even if it hand’t been entirely my fault, the situation which caused her so much grief had been my fault. Only an idiot would say they were blameless in my current situation, so I stayed silent and let her do as she wished. “Hachiman… you’re still with me…”

I read between the lines, looked past the relief, and took stock of what was taking over the space that was previously occupied by rage and determination. What I found was an ugly, worthless thing that I was familiar with. Self-loathing, guilt, and the desire to give up. Reimu didn’t need to say a single word, because I’d already seen the look in her face in the mirror. Even if it meant being hurt, she was readying herself to be the bad guy, so that someone else could be happy.

And, that someone was me.

Naturally, I didn’t even let her speak.

“Yeah. I am.” I reached out for her in a way that no one did for me. I’ll regret what I’m doing later, maybe scream into a pillow for hours in confusion and embaresment, but what mattered now was that I got rid of Reimu’s current line of thought. My reasons are entirely selfish, of course. I didn’t want her to let me go. So, I brushed away her tears and offered her a smirk. “So, how about we get on with this, huh? Didn’t you say we’ll figure out a way to stop whatever’s happening to me? I only died once, y’know? That’s not a good reason to stop, as far as I’m concerned.”

It a joke in poor taste, Reimu barely smiled at it, and I was sure she saw through my ploy with ease.

But Reimu still smiled.

“Idiot. That was the worst try at being nice I’ve ever seen.” She sniffled, but she let me down, and then brushed away the rest of her tears. Remilia Scarlett stood still behind her, eyes wide, and with half a wing, while she looked at me as though I was a ghost… but one that she was glad to see. “You’re in trouble. Lots of trouble. But that’s for when we get back home.” Reimu turned and faced the Vampire. This time, however, a small, calm smile played on her lips, and the world just seemed to be a better place. “After this fight.”

It was a pretty cool line, but it barely mattered. 

“After this fight,” was just thirty seconds after she said it.