Unfortunately, I'm Not A Hero: 7 (Accidentally Missed Chapter) (Patreon)

 Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 7

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Wordcount: 2000 (August) + 500 (September).

Commissioned by Shaderic.

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Going after someone who’s waged a one-woman, undead war against the Empire for several decades is asking for trouble. It’s the shitty sort of scheme that you’d expect for a protagonist to undertake in a sequel book. After the original journey’s done, he’s defeated boss number 1, but who was really just an underling of an underling, because serializations are the only way to make money… the hero needs to find allies and companions to accompany him on his journey, which is longer than anyone originally expected.

For once, I hoped that some of this shitty setting’s blatant ripoffs would continue to be blatant ripoffs, because I would be very, very happy to kill whatever deity forced me into this mess. Given how serializations keep going on and on, that’s the only logical conclusion to this narrative trashbin, and I looked forward to it. Well, naturally, it’s also possible that the world would be destroyed if I failed to kill the stereotypical god involved in creating this world and sending me to be miserable on it.

But if the world is destroyed, I’d still count that as a win for me and a start from scratch from my opponent. Ergo, not only does the shitty world I hated die, but my opponent also doesn’t die a swift, decisive death.Win-win for Hachiman either way! It shall be Hachiman’s great victory. Even if I lose, as long as the world is destroyed in the process, I’ll win.

However, enough about my way to stave off boredom and more about the Empire territory which has been plagued by Undead monstergirls.

My recruit was doing a pretty good job at failing completely. I’d wondered why the Empire hadn’t just smashed her apart like a bug, but the answer was plain to me from the moment I’d entered the first border town of the region she was “tormenting.” It had been a dilapidated wreck, filled with paranoid freaks who didn’t greet strangers, and were prepared for battle at all times. Their houses were roughshod, their land was corrupt and grew weed to strangle their crops, and most of their farm animals were trying to get men to fuck them

Yep, without a doubt, this territory was creating a place that was birthing people who utterly hated monstergirls with a passion, who’ll support the Empire forever, and will drive fear into the hearts of the rest of the Empire’s population forever.

Sure, she was doing a good job of murdering a few hundred people over the course of the year, but there were brats running around the border town. They had knives on their belts, had sullen faces filled with hate, and eyed me up like a threat. Congratulations, my stupid new recruit, you’ve made a cesspool from which people filled with hate, spite, and power will come from and strengthen the Empire. Not only that, but in the process of giving the enemy more soldiers, you’re decreasing the population’s views on Monstergirls as a whole.

Basically, I should freaking leave you to your business and just fuck right back off to my shitty village. I’d wasted enough time just getting here, not even considering the provisions and effort it required to get disguises and supplies for four Amazons and myself, so cutting my losses should have been my best course of action. Going home empty handed, accepting one of the places in my cabinet of advisors be someone in Roseanne’s pocket, was my absolute, best choice of action.

But I continued to course, anyway.

Why?

Because if I could replicate what was being done to this province to the rest of the Empire, it’d be worth all the trouble involved ten times over.

Logic hasn’t mattered to me for a long time. If it did, I’d have stayed in the capital and advised Roseanne while wetting my dick on anyone willing, so that I could live in peace and satisfaction for the rest of my life. No. My life now was entirely, completely, and utterly devoted to fucking over the Empire.

So, I wanted the lady capable of turning lands into shithole nightmares that the Empire would use to spook people into submission.

They were using her poison as propaganda?

Well, that’s only because it’s not being used well enough to make the populace truly, utterly terrified.

I can fix that.

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“Hmmm. It seems undeserving of that look of absolute disgust you’re levelling at it, Hachiman.”

As expected, the Lich I was looking for set herself in a massive, dark tower upon a mountain, which was surrounded by a swamp filled with dead trees, a thick fog, and filled with dozens of shadows. In other words, it was a phallic structure surrounded by bush and clouds of white substance. Fuck this retarded setting. Dammit.

“I hate it. Go grab the Lich. No negotiations.”

The Amazons gave each other a look before dismounting. Their horses were all relieved when they took their weapons with them, while the tan girls clad mostly in hide, leather, and jewelry sauntered forward into the mist. Magic was a thing, and even though they didn’t have the capacity to toss around humongous spells, they had plenty enough to walk on muddy ground, power their artifacts, and wreck whatever they came across. Also? The reason why there were many Amazons and other tribal peoples from primal worlds? They had more “life force” and it made them hardy against spells and magic, which increased when properly trained, just like monstergirls with certain magical resistances.

Naturally, with most Amazons being under my command being slated to die and too much of a risk for the Empire, they weren’t trained by the Empire to able to tank magical, point-black explosives on their necks. Roseanne and her generals had no qualms about making a battalion of angry women, who can toss around weapons made for giants and cover distances very quickly, very, very resistant against the Empire’s magics.

It wasn’t like they were going to be used against them, after all.

Just people I didn’t like, who I didn’t agree with, and who bothered me.

Such as the Lich Ur sets down in front of me, while the other three Amazons in her retinue dealt with the remaining undead. Ur and the others decided to hop through the tree lines, then clamber up the tower by literally using their massive, enchanted weapons as makeshift climbing axes. They’d essentially skipped over the defenses, scaled the tower which would have taken at least two episodes to beat in a half-decent shounen anime, and captured their target before she probably figured out what was happening.

“What is this!!? Who are you!? What are you doing!?”

“A kidnapping. Kidnappers. Kidnapping.” Yep, I was right. The idiot who created a political minefield and a recruiting ground for the Empire didn’t even have a clue what was going on. How could a Lich with decades of life experience not be intelligent? Well, I didn’t know the answer, but I feel that this scenario is supposed to be a cautionary tale for me about vengeance and hate clouding my vision, until I was no more than an immortal, shambling corpse that pettily harmed and hurt people who’ve done me no wrong, while I thought I was actually an opponent of the ones I hated. Yeah, I’ll file that lesson away when I’m ready to let go of my issues and years of enslavement.

So, never.

Anyway, since I answered the Lich’s inane questions, I gave my pitch.

“Yo. I’m going to kill the Empire. All of it. I don’t care about public image and just want to hurt as many people of the Empire as possible, for as long as possible, and as well as possible.” The Lich was only wearing a blanket, which barely hid a tall, lean body that was entirely gray and had the stench of sweetened, bone ash. Her eyes were the color of amethysts, her white hair in an over-the shoulder braid, and she had a necklace around her neck that was probably her Phylactery. I tossed her a spare shirt, because I didn’t have time for nudity and I had no intention of riding through empire territory with a wardrobe in tow. “If you refuse, I’m leaving you here after my forces demolish all your protections and preparations. So, stay here and die or get on the back of my horse and do what you’ve already been doing, but better because I’ll be making all the decisions.”

The Lich was flabbergasted and looked stupid with my shirt half-covering her sharp face.

“Ur. Hit her to check if she’s alive.”

“She’s a Lich, Hachiman.”

“Ur. Hit her because she’s being annoying and wasting my time.”

“Hachiman, in your own words: you may go fuck yourself with your own, monumental stupidity. I do what I wish and I shall not hit an unarmed, defeated foe.”

“Don’t think of it as hitting. Think of it as checking if she’s paying attention, Ur.” Good job, Ur. You played your part as the Good Cop perfectly, even though I didn’t tell you how to do so or that I planned to be the Bad Cap. Why, that look of disgust you’re aiming my way sells your role perfectly. I’m sure that the Lich will now look to you as an ally who she must rely on forever and ever. Good job. “Alright, fine. Don’t hit her. Let’s waste our time waiting for an answer, while the nearest town gathers soldiers to fuck us over.”

“I welcome the chance to fight Empire soldiery, so we shall.” Ur shook her head, her shaggy, short hair waving with each movement. That was that I suppose. We were going too have to annihilate a whole town to prevent any witnesses from finding out about what we did. Oh no. A town that the Empire staffed full of people to fight the undead specialist I recruited is going to be annihilated. How terrible, especially after I went out of my way to just sneak past them. What terrible circumstances these are to force me to destroy something I could have otherwise ignored. Oh noooooo. “Lich, if you must think on this matter more, then grant us your Undead as allies. We shall show you we are worthy allies to you and yours through action, so there can be some credence to our leader’s words.”

Ah, the classic “I’ll do something for you, so that you’ll trust me.” That’s a very good move, Ur. I’d thought about doing it, but just getting in and out quickly was my priority. Yep, I totally didn’t want to cause any chaos and havoc in Empire territory whatsoever. I hadn’t chosen to be heavy handed and obtrusive, so that the Lich wouldn’t trust me, and force you to act in order to achieve my hidden agenda of getting an excuse to do what I want. That would mean I’d have to know your culture inside and out, as well as your own distinct feelings on certain subjects, thus manipulating both you and the Lich perfectly.

I could never do that.

Anyway, both Ur and I waited for the Lich to make her decision. Naturally, since I was a good leader, I wasn’t going to go against my second-in-command’s decision, but I wasn’t going to full retract my own statement. I could use it to further threaten my new wage-slave into compliance at a later date, if she wasn’t satisfied with how well her Undead and my Amazons worked together to destroy a town built to protect the Empire’s region from being overrun by Undead.

The Lich stood up.

She stood very tall and ready for someone who was apparently beaten.

“You attack my home, kill my subordinates, and ask me to swear fealty to you? I know not whether you are utterly crazed or delusional in your goals.” Huh, shit. The Lich was more level-headed than I thought. Woops. It also looks like she wasn’t as big of an idiot as I previously thought. Was she just biding her time, then? Making sure her vengeance was as perfect as possible, thus she waited, plotted, and strengthened herself while the region grew complacent? That’s what I would do, if I had an unlimited lifespan. “I shall never join you. The promises you make are empty. You are only a force that attacked me and mine without hesitation… and you are all wretched humans!”

“I’m human, but I’m not so sure about Ur and the Amazons.”

“Hachiman, this is not the time to be pithy!”

Ur acted quickly, grabbing be with one, throwing her weapon ahead of us, and hoisting one of the horses over her shoulder. The other Amazons followed soon after, their legs carrying them quickly after their own, thrown weapons as they lugged their mounts over their shoulders. See? I wasn’t being pithy. I really am the only human here. Tribal humans with your bodies don’t just carry around freakin’ horses. No regular, human female with any amount of training can leap from battle and a speedy retreat from a very angry spellcaster, while carrying their means of transportation and their boss. Heck, one of the Amazons was carrying TWO, because I couldn’t carry mine.

Anyway, besides the fact that I wasn’t being pithy or some other stupid word, Ur made the right choice.

Naturally, the Lich in question took offense to being calmly and effectively offered a new job, so she naturally decided against joining us, despite our brilliant strategy. After all the magic she’d gathered coalesced into her body, from her mouth came harsh, shrill scream that echoed in every direction, until the ground rumbled, a part of the mountain fell off in a small landslide, and from the confines of the sealed cave came forth what I supposed was the Lich’s secret weapon of last resort.

A Mindflayer.

A good creature to have in one’s pocket against anyone particularly resistant against magic, even though they essentially had to be leashed up and released in the general direction of the enemy, since they were eldritch horrors with tits and ass.

So, they were definitely a problem for Ur and her Amazons. No matter how strong they were and how well they were able to fight against magic, it’s without question that their abilities came from the RPG warrior stereotype. Big health pools, big damage, and big resistances against any form of damage… except against anything that involved the mind. Typically speaking, even with all their intellect and wisdom, most people gifted with the ability to use magic avoided them, too. Understanding too much of the unknown is as hazardous as knowing too little of it.

For me though?

Yeah, I haven’t had any problems with any of them and their kind since I first met one in battle.

I might not be particularly blessed in magic or in body, but I did understand people, how they worked, and how they felt.

And, if I can accept everything about the Empire and still want to kill them all, then anything vaguely Eldritch and mystical wasn’t going to faze me in the slightest.