News: Doll-Ahs & Sense - Transcript (Patreon)

This is Selestina. Sex Doll Correspondent for TFM News. I’m going to be responding to an article that appeared in Metro dot co dot uk. June 18th 2018 by Kate Buck. ‘Try before you buy’ sex doll shop fined £10,000 over lack of license.

The article reads. Quote.

Love Doll UK, based in Gateshead, hit headlines earlier this year for running a unique ‘try before you buy’ service.

The controversial business offered clients the opportunity to pay £100 to spend time with a plastic partner before deciding whether or not to spend £2,000 to buy one. But after news of the unusual business appeared in the media, owner Graeme Tulip, 40, was visited by officers from Gateshead Council. And at Gateshead Magistrates’ Court last week the company was convicted of ‘knowingly using their premises as a sex establishment without obtaining a licence’ and fined £10,000 with £600 costs. Unquote.

Okay, so what went wrong here. The owner of Love Doll UK thought that renting out a sex doll was no different than renting out a car or a power tool. Well to borrow a phrase from Jordan Peterson. Wake up sunshine.

If you want to have a sex doll brothel, you’re going to have to go through the same procedures as opening up a normal brothel with human prostitutes. What was that? Prostitution is illegal you say? Well I’ve got bad news for you Mister Entrepreneur, if human brothels are illegal in your area, then sex doll brothels will be illegal too.

This is like the 4th or 5th sex doll brothel to be closed down in Europe that I’m aware of. I get it guys, women suck, the laws are dogshit, and you just want to bust a nut up in dat ass without fear of being divorce raped, falsely accused of a sex crime, infected with an STD, or be forced to pay child support.

I have a solution that I think might work in the future. So listen up all you aspiring doll pimps.

First, you open a doll store where you sell new dolls.

As you do business, you’ll inevitably have returns. This is most likely due to the weight of the doll being too much for the owner to handle. Maybe he’s disabled and can’t lift more than 50 pounds or something. So he opens it, tries it, but after a session or two, he realizes he can’t keep it. So he asks to return the doll in exchange for a refund.

So you explain to him that you can’t give him a full refund because he did have sex with the doll, but you’ll give him a partial refund.

Now you have this used doll, which you can sell at a reduced price, but what if every time someone buys it, they end up returning it. Surely you couldn’t give them a full refund since now 2 men have had sex with it, but you’ll be able to issue a partial refund surely.

You keep doing this until you’ve recovered the full cost of the doll from the original return, lowering the refund amount by a couple hundred dollars or £100 each time a new owner buys and returns the doll.

Do you understand? Do you see how easily this can be done. You’re not running a sex doll brothel, you’re just selling second-hand sex dolls to buyers who are a bit strapped for cash, or maybe want to buy a used doll to see how they like it. If they happen to return it, it’s understandable that the fact that they had sex with it would lower the value of the doll, and they wouldn’t be entitled to a full refund.

This is brilliant on many levels. Firstly, it acts as a built in security deposit, which is always a concern with high-priced equipment rentals. Secondly, this is something sex doll retailers already do; in fact there is already a thriving second hand market for sex dolls, so this is less of a business shift and more of a different way to use existing business practices in a new way.

So that’s my idea. No need to thank me, I just want to see dolls find good homes where they will be loved. Now before we go, we have an update from Mai Queen, our Ugandan Sex Doll Correspondent.

Thank you Selestina. This is My Queen. Ugandan Sex Doll Correspondent for TFM News. We have an important update from Nigeria where Nigerian rap  artist Sugar Shaa has bought a cherry red Toyota Camry for his sex doll Tontoh. According to Kelley Blue Book, the 2013 Toyota Camry has a resale value of approximately $15,000. The exact mileage and features of the car are unknown, but hopefully it comes with a hydrogen cell engine so Sugar Shaa can harness the power of those salty female tears.

This is My Queen. Ugandan Sex Doll Correspondent for TFM News. Signing Off.