Akashi Records or: How I Learned to Stop Caring and Enjoy the Show (Patreon)

The last thing I remember is that Satoru noticed how Naoto, the brother of Takeshi and the driver of our van, was reeking of alcohol. When that was pointed out to him, Naoto turned around to us, to assure us that it's alright and that he's used to drunk driving - while going at twice the allowed speed inside the city limits. He actually even let go of the steering wheel to gesture his case, so the outcome was obvious.

Why did I have to learn this way that my friend's brother is an idiot drunkard? There's a limit to repressing your frustration with drinking all day when you fail your university entrance exams for the third time in a row.

... that should have been a clear sign that he was an idiot, actually. I guess I'm an idiot myself for not realizing earlier.

In either case, everything around me is white. This is not a hospital room and it's clearly not because my eyes aren't functioning properly due to head trauma. I'm not wearing my glasses, but considering the fact I don't have a nose to place them on right now, it wouldn't do me any good anyway.

I don't have a body in the first place, I'm just a floating spirit of sorts.

I'm dead, aren't I?

The whiteness hurts my eyes, although I don't even have any. I'm the indoors type and used to being cooped up in a dark room looking at a computer screen with its brightness lowered. The sole reason I was even in that van was to return home from a big haul at the comic convention. I wouldn't leave the house on a weekend for any other reason than that. But even that was a mistake, it seems.

Really, I'm dead.

There's no question about that. I've seen situations like this in all kinds of stories: The protagonist dies while saving someone from a truck and gets reincarnated into a world of fantasy with some cheat skill to live a new life surrounded by a harem. Of course, those protagonists are always shut-in otaku who had nothing to live for other than their pop culture obsession, and won't miss their previous lives at all in this new world. And they're always male.

Wish-fulfillment at its finest.

But with me, it's different: I didn't save anyone before dying. I'm an otaku alright, but I'm not a complete shut-in - I did go to school, although it's mainly for the Pop Culture Appreciation Club. Of course I'll miss my previous life, because I had a loving family and most importantly, I haven't even read any of the thin books I bought at the comic convention!

Oh, and I'm a girl.

"Akashi Kaoru, you have died." It's a deep male voice, reverberating through this white space. I guess that's god. It's so cliché, I would roll my eyes if I had them. Then again, doesn't Christianity always refer to the one true god as a man? I suppose this is that one true god then. "This may come as a surprise, but you have-"

"I know." I just interrupted god!

"-died and- huh?" Did I just make god do a double take? "... you are taking your situation very calmly."

"Would it help to panic?" I would shrug, if I had a body to do it with, but I'm sure the sentiment is coming through.

"... in either case, you are here to be guided to your next reincarnation." God clears his throat and continues after an awkward pause. "Every being is judged by the karma they accumulate in life."

Uh-oh.

"Akashi Kaoru, seventeen years old at the time of death. Karma: Zero." The voice stops for a moment. "You shall be reincarnated as-"

"Wait, what?" I just interrupted god again. I'm sure this isn't helping my case, but I need to know what he means by "karma: zero". "I have zero karma points? I know I'm not an honor student and I'm not a brilliant mind that can work for the betterment of humanity... but there should be something more to my life, right?" That makes me sound desperate. Well, this is about how I'm going to be reincarnated, so I'd like there to be a little more deliberation going into things than just a quick statement like that.

"Your karma would have allowed you to reincarnate as a human again. However, the way you died has counterbalanced all of it." Hm, do I detect a judgmental tone in god's voice?

"The way I died?" In a car crash of no fault of my own.

"In a car crash - of no fault of your own - surrounded by heaps of certain thin books a girl of your age should not be in possession of." That's clearly a judgmental tone! What's with him judging me for my hobbies?! No wait, that's what he's supposed to be doing here, he's god after all. "This resulted in the fact that your parents will have to live with the blemish caused by your careless actions."

Aaah, how embarrassing! I want to disappear!

Ahahaha, but I already disappeared...

"The far-reaching consequences of your death has canceled out the little good karma you had. Therefore, you shall be reincarnated as-"

"But it didn't happen yet, right?" By that, I mean that these consequences are still in the future, and are only predictions. "How do you know that it will affect my parents' lives the way you say it will?" I interrupted god for the third time...

"Who do you think you are talking to?" Alright, he sounds impatient, even slightly angry. Now I've gone and done it.

"I'm sorry..." I bow down in my mind.

"Now, where was I? Ah, right. Karma: Zero." He puts emphasis on repeating how utterly pointless my life had been, and I can't help but feel a begrudging undertone in that voice. "You shall be reincarnated as a hermit crab."

... I see what you did there, god.

"Go forth and live your new life to the fullest, so that you may return to the cycle of reincarnation once again with positive karma." His voice is taking on an inspiring tone as he announces my fate. But he's basically telling me that I should try to achieve more as a hermit crab than I have as a human being. That really hurts...

Ahhh, my consciousness is beginning to fade. My memories will be erased, won't they? Of course, they have to be. Else, people reincarnated as parrots would be able to tell everyone what it's like after death. I don't want to forget everything...

"Ah."

Wait, did god just make a sound as if he found a mistake somewhere? But I'm already fading away!

"Oops, something's wrong." God's voice sounds like a that of a ditzy student, who accidentally put salt instead of sugar in a cookie dough mixture during home ed.

Oi, don't joke around with me! What's going to happen to my reincarnation?!

"Wait, how did you make such a huge mistake?!" I hear a female's voice speak. Huh, there's more than one god? "Argh, that's why interns are so troublesome."

Did I hear her right? That male god-like voice actually belonged to an intern? Job security in heaven must be awful, since an old man has to work as an intern!

More importantly, what do you mean, huge mistake?!

Ahhh, I'm fading...

I was just born.

I can't see very well because my eyes need to adjust to the brightness around me, but I can feel my body heat disappearing quickly because I just left my mother's womb. How I know I was in a womb? Because I spent several months in there without being able to see or hear anything, bored out of my mind, contemplating what had gone wrong in my reincarnation that I ended up as a mammal rather than the decided-upon hermit crab. I was scared that I would be born as some kind of animal that will immediately fall prey to predators.

Then, when I was nearing completion, I found out that I must be more akin to a species of sharks, because I had to fight for my life inside my mother's womb. I was able to understand that my siblings - at least three of them - started to stir and move, biting and tearing at each other. One came at me, too, so I had to fight back - all the while being unable to see or hear what was actually going on.

But I fought back and survived. I think I was actually the last one standing, because it grew awfully quiet around me. I actually tore apart fetuses with my own tiny claws and fully formed sharp teeth, and I haven't even been born yet! Feticide and fratricide while still inside the womb of my mother!

And then I realized that I wasn't getting nutrition from my mother anymore, and had to resort to something I'd rather not talk about. Please just leave me alone...

This can't be good for my karma, but it sure as hell isn't good for my mental health.

However, all that counts is that I'm alive. I've been safely born into this new life!

There are voices around me, but they're muffled and I can't make out any distinct words. Wait, does this mean I was born somewhere with humans around? It does sound like a conversation, with at least two different voices having a back and forth. That's clearly not just animal noises.

Ah, I think I can make out forms, my eyes are beginning to adjust.

The first thing I see is the ceiling. It's richly ornamented and there's a fresco in the center of the room, showing a practically naked man with pitch black skin and demonic wings, standing triumphantly over a human looking man, also naked. It's not the kind of derivative work found at comic conventions, directed at a certain female demographic, but actual art. The style reminds me of pictures I saw of Christian frescos in churches. But considering I'm not a human, this can't be a church.

I try to move my head, but I feel really sluggish after just being born. Tilting my head to the side slightly, I move my eyes to try and find out on what I'm actually lying. It's soft and fluffy underneath me and I must have been placed in some kind of crib.

"<...!>" From the edge of the crib a person's face appears and says something, but I can't really make out any words, since the sound is muffled in my ears.

But that's not the important point.

This person has pale bluish white skin, glowing purple eyes and is grinning at me with a mouth full of sharp teeth! Scary!

"<...!>" From the other side of the crib, the same face appears, with the exact same expression, and saying something I don't understand. They must be twins.

"<...>" Another voice speaks from further away, and the two faces move away with disappointed expressions. Did it just tell them not to eat me or something?

I try out my limbs one after another, to see what I can work with right now. If they really wanted to eat me, I wouldn't stand a chance, but I don't want to go down without a fight first. Not like a newborn could fight a somewhat grown person, though.

Alright, I have hands with five fingers each, although I don't have any coordination and can't even move them properly individually. As a newborn baby, obviously my legs are stubby and weak, so I sure as hell won't be able to walk... hm? There's something between my legs that I shouldn't have.

No, not that. It's a tail.

I have a tail!

And it feels like I can actually move it about quite a bit. It's prehensile, I see. So, does this mean I was reborn as a monkey? That's certainly a step-up from a hermit crab. But when I move it in front of me so that I can at least look at one part of myself, I'm greeted by something like a curved dagger. The tail itself is sectioned, like a scorpion's, and remains the same thickness throughout. But it ends in a large, club-like tip, from which a somewhat pointy part extends.

Yep, I'm not on Earth anymore and have been reincarnated into a monster.

...

AHHH!!!

I don't know how many days or even weeks passed since my birth. Like any newborn infant, I sleep a lot, have no control over my bowel movements and the only sounds I can make are baby noises. And of course, I can't move about yet, confined to the crib and looking up at the fresco that I've now memorized and would be able to reproduce in drawing without having to look at it again.

Yeah, I used to be pretty good at drawing in my previous life, but I don't know if this still holds true in this life, now that all my muscle memory is gone.

In either case, I learned a few things: The people here aren't humans, they speak a language I don't understand, and I don't get breastfed, but am actually fed pieces of raw meat, which I mostly swallow whole, since I lack molars. My fully formed teeth are limited to sharp ones used for rending prey - just like a shark's. But unlike sharks, I only have one rows of teeth in the upper and lower jaw. 

What meat, you ask? I have no idea, since my long and prehensile tongue, which doesn't seem to house any taste buds, is covered in hard tissue rather than being soft. Otherwise I would most likely have bitten it off by now, with all the experiments I've been doing with it.

My name seems to be Kiyal. At least that's the word I hear people say the most when looking at me. When I react to it, they smile, so I started to assume by association that it's either my name or "do something" in their language. Considering the latter would be a stupid possibility, I concluded that it's the former.

Among those people, I think I identified my mother, since she looks at me with affection. Or at least I hope that's what her hot gaze means, because otherwise I need to fear getting eaten by her eventually. She has the same kind of sharp teeth as I do and her skin is pale white with a slightly bluish tint, just like the two that came to look at me when I was just born.

Those two came by almost every day and at this point I think it's sure to say that they're my older brothers. Their expressions make me uncomfortable, as they seem to eye me like food, their sharp teeth on full display while they grin at me. Maybe it's just their way to show friendliness - or they're lulling me into a false sense of security. For now I'll stay vigilant so that nothing catches me off-guard.

There are others, who don't look like those two, but since they usually come to either clean me up or feed me, those must be servants. The parts of their clothes I can see when they lift me out of the crib or lean over its edge to feed me are usually simple and uniform, which means my family must be quite wealthy, to be able to employ so many people. After all, I've counted more than ten different faces so far, each with individual non-human traits such as strangely colored eyes and skin, as well as the occasional fangs and horns.

One thing that's been bothering me though is that I have yet to identify a father.

I learned to walk.

It's been at least a few months now, but it's still too early for a human baby to be walking. Yet here I am, walking quite steadily on my two stubby legs and using my tail to balance myself - although I'm still confined to the, admittedly, pretty large room where I was born. My mother would come around at least once a day and play with me or call me into her arms across the room, so that I would waddle towards her and train my walking. But most of the time there's only a servant present, making sure to tend to every single one of my needs.

At first I was worried that I wouldn't be able to learn the language they speak, because I was never good at foreign languages in school. But being surrounded by it, I'm beginning to notice all kinds of connections. I'm learning intuitively.

In either case, it appears that the servants are treating me with the utmost care. Whenever I would trip and fall, they would look flustered or even scared, and come to my help immediately. If I was a normal baby, this kind of coddling would most likely cause me to grow up as a spoiled brat. But since I was reincarnated and retain the memories from my previous life, I'm only getting annoyed at the constant fussing over the tiniest things.

Actually, I think the maids are afraid of me, since I'm unusually quiet. When I trip and fall, I don't cry. When they feed me, I keep my eyes fixed on them to study their facial features. When they lift me up, I never struggle, always just staring. Maybe they think I'm a creepy child or something. I mean, I can't speak yet, so all I can do is watch them.

"Cheelti, Cheogan! Leave your sister alone!" Those are the names of my older brothers. And the person saying it is my mother.

I learned a lot of the language over the past few... I don't know how much time has passed. Days seem to flow into each other when I'm in this baby body. I know it must have been a few more months since I learned how to walk. At this point I think I can start trying to talk, even though I don't know if I should be. After all, I'm not from a human species, and for all I know, I might not be supposed to learn how to talk until I'm a few years old.

The reason why my mother told my brothers to leave me alone is because they've been poking me while I'm lying in my crib. Rather than coddle their cute little sister, they are messing with me like I'm some kind of pet. And it actually hurts, because their fingernails are sharp and long. So whenever they poke anywhere near my face, I try to bite their fingers in response. But I think that's only causing them to find even more fun in doing it, since it feels like a game that way. Maybe I should simply stop reacting.

"Come here, Kiyal." My mother walks up to the crib and lifts me from it, into her arms. She has pretty large breasts, and it makes me wonder what for, if our species doesn't need to breastfed. But I don't question the logic and enjoy the embrace and fluffy feeling.

"Mama." I make and grab at her face.

Huh?! Why does she look so shocked? Should I not have been able to talk yet? Ah, now she's crying!

"... oh my!" She begins to smile, showing off her own rows of sharp teeth which only serve to make her appear intimidating. But at this point I'm used to it and can detect warmth in that expression. "Kiyal just called me mama!" Announcing into the room, she sounds like a real doting mother. Well, her baby daughter just spoke for the first time and called her mama, so such a reaction is to be expected, I guess. "You will grow up to be beautiful and strong, my little Kiyal." Poking my nose with her own, she squeezes me against her breasts.

Ahhh, what a nice sensation.

A new face.

There's another child in the room, doing a bad job at hiding behind the couch. I can't really tell, but I think it's a girl, judging by the color palette of her clothes. But who knows, pink might be a color associated with manliness in this world, for all I know. After all, I'm wearing black and blue colors that stand in a glaring contrast with my extremely pale white skin.

This baby has rosy skin and her eyes are docile-looking, rather than sharp - quite unlike everyone in my family. In other words, that's not a sibling, but a child from another species. She looks human to me, and she looks a little older than me, judging by her height, the shoulder-length hair and how steady she is on her feet.

"Who are you?" I ask her with a lisp. I can't speak properly just yet, since my tongue is still developing.

"D-Devana..." She mutters sheepishly and goes deeper into hiding. That's pretty cute.

"I'm Kiyal." I announce, before tilting my head to see her better. "Come out and play with me."

"U-umm..." Devana is just like a small animal - even though she's bigger than me - and seems easily scared.

"I won't bite." Speaking in the most reassuring tone that I can muster with a lisp, I smile at her. At the sight her eyes widen in fear and she disappears behind the couch.

Oh, right. I have sharp teeth and smiles from my species always look threatening. I close my mouth again and sigh. There's something inherently wrong about a baby sighing in resignation, but luckily there's nobody here to point that out. I peer up at the servant standing by in the corner of the room. She looks like a statue and doesn't show what she thinks about my interaction with Devana just now. Thank you for not judging me.

I waddle over and peek behind the couch, to find Devana crouching on the floor in fear, with her eyes pressed shut. So she thinks the monster won't see her when she can't see it? I extend a hand and pet her hair, causing her to twitch at the sensation. Actually, it was mostly her hair that twitched, and only now do I notice that the patches of hair covering her ears are-

They're floppy dog ears!

And from behind her a fluffy tail comes up and begins to wag from side to side slowly, almost as if reluctant to express emotions.

It's a dog girl!

Thank you, god intern, for making a mistake and letting me reincarnate into this world!