The Earth Review (Patreon)

“Stanlin, how is that review of Earth coming along?”

Stanlin didn’t immediately respond. He was staring at his performance chart, frowning at the decline over the past four years.

“Hrm?” he asked, realizing that his supervisor had asked him a question. “Oh Earth, yes yes, I’ll have it on your desk before the end of the week.”

His supervisor nodded, then walked off to check on somebody else in the department.

Where the hell was Earth?

Stanlin rolled over to his computer, giving a fake smile to Julana as she passed by with a coffee.

E.A.R.T.H

Details popped up on the screen. Type G planet. Type H civilization. Oh, humans, almost identical to them, so under their jurisdiction.

He tapped the keys to flick through the details. Vehicles using combustion. A few trips into space. There had apparently been an incident when a Rishi spaceship crashed near somewhere called Roswell some rotations back, and there was limited communication with some of their governments since.

They had even finally managed to get permission to send agents on a trip into the larger universe, three of their best. Stanlin kept tapping down through information, then paused and frowned. He scrolled back up. Why did that detail sound familiar?

He drained his coffee, then leaned down to his desk drawer. Thumbing through his files, he finally found it, a job from three years ago. Yeesh, had it really been that long? He was nearly up for a century of recreation. Though, with his recent underperformance, it might not be spent as luxuriously as he’d hoped.

He slapped the manilla folder down and flipped it open. Ah, he recognized Earth in the picture now.

It all seemed fairly standard, not that such things crossed his desk very often.

Earth was being considered for joining the rest of the universe. Supposedly there were still some concerns about their self-management, big picture stuff like not taking care of their environment. But then, that was fairly common. It was a project which had eventually fallen on his desk, out of the countless worlds out there, and for the life of him he couldn’t remember it.

He paused on one detail. Due to the high gravity, they were quite small, less than two meters.That jogged another memory, and he frowned, digging around in his drawer again.

There, he found it. On the same date another world had crossed his desk. The occupants were again human, and thus part of their domain. Again they were small, below 2 meters.

However there was no doubt about that world. It was a trash-pile. The occupants were prone to constant tantrums and disagreement. They were cute though.

They had been an easy stamp for approval into the adoption program. Nearly everybody who had written on the file had said the same thing, with only two disagreements, and they were fairly lofty, suggesting that maybe the people could still improve. Probably just interns, who hadn’t seen enough of the universe yet.

Regardless, he’d completed the proper analysis, spending a full day pouring over forms, ticking all the boxes.

They’d been accepted into the adoption program immediately, and things were well under way. He’d probably even seen a few with locals when out getting lunch. He was even pretty sure that Augila down in Treaties had a girl from that world. Though he never stuck around to boast about his part in approving that case, since Meena in the next cubicle over was a 1.5 meter tall treaty writer who was considered a near genius, and was apparently quite outspoken against the whole thing. Stanlin sometimes wondered if it wouldn’t be easier just to put those into adoption too, and then not need the low door handles and workstations, especially since it was so uncommon for people that size to be judged as capable of independence.

Not that it was his decision. He just followed the forms. Quite meticulously. And, well, sometimes that could lead to burnout. Mistakes…

He put down the file on the trash world, and picked up Earth again.

Earth was a less clear-cut case, with some features which had it leaning towards regular introduction into larger society. They’d argued for the chance to send three representatives. Top-tier, apparently. All women, since they were supposedly scoring higher for intelligence on average there lately, and all secret agents. One was a doctor, studied heavily in philosophy. Another was a former pilot. Finally there was a politician’s daughter who had made a name for herself in diplomacy. All quite impressive really.

He’d handled it all on the same exhausting day. Now, glaring mistakes became apparent. Some major forms weren’t even filed. Yet he had receipts, suggesting that he’d filed something.

His supervisor came strolling back his way, and Stanlin stopped a rapid tapping of his foot.

“Hey boss. May need a few more days on the Earth review. It’s a complex one and I’m a bit swamped right now.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. That file has been getting kicked around for years now. I think they just wanted somebody to make a decision.”

Stanlin nodded.

His supervisor checked his watch, and was about to depart, when he turned back and leaned on the cubicle wall.

“Say, weren’t they sending three women or something?”

“Yeah. To trial living in a major city or commerce hub. See how they fit in and the usual.”

“Mm. Well, make sure that is wrapped up as soon as possible. I don’t want the department paying for accommodation for a moment longer than is necessary.”

“Absolutely.”

Stanlin watched as his boss departed, tapping his pen away on his desk.

Ah hell, he should probably figure out what had happened, as if he didn’t have enough to do.

---

“So,” Stanlin said, leaning over the desk, “You can’t tell me anything?”

“That is correct.”

“Even if I’m the one who signed them in here?”

“Welllll…”

“Stanlin!”

He blinked, and glanced up.

“Mauri?”

The curvy woman laughed, then rushed over to hug him.

“What is a dour desk jocky like you doing down here? Surely you’re not thinking of becoming a family man? I mean, vacation is a good time to do it since you have the free time to adjust, but, no offense Stanlin, I don’t think you have the aptitude or are ready yet.”

He smiled, and guided Mauri a few steps away from the reception desk.

“Nah, nah, nothing of the sort. There’s a trial group I just need to track down. I think they may have passed through here, but I was dealing with so many cases that day that uh, my notes are a bit mixed up.”

“Trial group?”

“Yeah, from another world. We’re trying to work out what to do with them.”

“Oh, do you do these often?”

“Nah, which is why I’ve let this one slip a bit far below my attention. I sent a much larger group through that day, and just have millions of generic receipts. I don’t even know which ones to check for-”

She held up her hand.

“Say no more. I will help you.”

“Aw thanks.”

“Not for you, you doofus,” she laughed, poking him in the gut, “But for them. I can’t abide our charges getting anything but the very best. We’re very careful and meticulous about that.”

He paused, then nodded.

“Of course.”

“So what are their names?” she asked, walking him back to the desk and leaning over the blinking receptionist. There was a pastel paint on the wall behind her, with big cartoon characters prancing about. Stanlin stared at it for a moment, finding that this was all getting a bit annoying, like the universe was judging him over some inconsequential planet.

“Uh, let’s see,” he said, digging through his papers. Three photos of serious-looking women in smart business suits looked back at him, and he shuffled those down, having no time for more questions. He found a document with only their names, and passed it over.

“Hrm,” Mauri said, tapping. “I would like to tell you if they passed through here or not, but that would be against the rules. I would like to tell you if they’re at 207 Evergreen Pond Way, Far Side Hills, Greenway.”

She stared at him for a long moment, waiting. then Stanlin blinked, and quickly pulled out a notepad and pen.

---

The hover-cab raced back up into the sky, leaving Stanlin alone on the suburban footpath. Damn it was nice. Leafy, green, with big nice houses and yards. He adjusted his hat and coat, and wondered if maybe he didn’t need that big, fancy vacation which he’d been planning.

Perhaps that was what Mauri had meant about him not being ready yet. He needed to see that there were simpler, calmer things to strive for.

He strode over to a white, picket fence, and let himself through the gate. There was a lock on the top, which required somebody on the taller end of the spectrum to open it.

Security systems had probably already notified the home owner, but he rang the doorbell anyway. It was quaint. He supposed he saw the intent, settling for something more rustic, really embracing daily human life.

After a long wait, a woman answered. Her hair was in rollers, and she had a skincare gel spread across her face.

“Yes?”

“Oh, hi. Sorry to catch you at a bad time-”

“You’re Stanlin?”

He nodded.

“Mauri rang. Said you might be coming. Come on in!”

She stepped aside and he strode inside.

It was a nice home. Stairs to the upper floors. A lounge to his left, a kitchen to his right. He caught a glimpse of a green yard out the back.

“Though,” the woman added, “Mauri didn’t really explain why you were coming.”

“You’re Zanzia right?”

She nodded.

“Well,” he said, sighing and rubbing his neck. “I need to do a review of some offworlders.”

“Of Zee, Bee, and Cee?”

He blinked.

“Well, those weren’t their… Well, yes.”

“Mmm. Nobody told me that they were part of a program.”

“Yeah, it’s a bit uncommon sorry. No real protocol for it.”

“But it makes sense. They’re very smart.”

He perked up. Maybe she had recognized that they were different, and things hadn’t gone entirely wrong how he pictured. Maybe the trial had occurred in a vaguely correct way, even if in the wrong location and not in a major city as it was meant to, but he could fudge that, and be done with this problem and back to planning his vacation.

“Are they, uh, here now?”

“No. They’re out at group. This is for me-time.”

She pointed to the cream on her face and the curlers in her hair.

He nodded.

“Well, um,” he said, preparing his notebook, “Maybe you could tell me about them. To see if they’ve exhibited the behaviours we’re looking for.”

“Mm. Well, sit down. Oh don’t worry, it’s very clean.”

He smiled, and positioned himself on the worn, suburban couch. Sure, it wasn’t the fanciest thing in the universe, but it was comfortable.

Zanzia sat opposite him, and picked up a small hand-mirror to check her curlers.

“Well, um. I got them three years ago, of course, through Mauri’s people.”

He nodded, and jotted down the basic things he already knew, just to keep her talking.

“Obviously I had to jump through a lot of hoops. Background checks. Mental probes even. It was actually quite fun to know that I qualified.”

He glanced around the lounge. Nothing seemed particularly telling about his real question.

“How long did the intake process take?”

“Oh, about three weeks. Which was good, it gave Mauri time to start teaching them about real society. They’re from a world called Earth, or do you know that?”

He nodded. “Yeah that’s on their file. But you said they were, uh, extra bright?”

“Oh yes!” she beamed, perking up, “I noticed it pretty quickly. I mean, they’re supposedly always more talkative and bold when around familiar faces, you know? So at first I thought, hey, that’s just what the others mean by that.”

“Did you, um, treat them differently because of it?”

“Oh sure. They were a bit startled by everything, of course, but I expected that - Mauri gave me a vague description of their background. So I remained patient with a lid on my temper, most of the time. I was here for them, really bonded to each in a unique way I’d say, and that’s when I saw how clever they were.”

“Of course! So um- How did you treat them differently?”

“Hrm. I recognized that if they were bright, they should be treated as such.”

“Oh! Then that’s good! So in what way would you say that you-”

There was a chime at the front door.

“Oh, they’re back!”

He blinked, and waited at a gesture from Zanzia, while she went to answer the front door.

Stanlin heard another woman’s voice delivering a cheerful update in sing-song tones, but couldn’t quite pick out the words.

Well, the house was clean and quiet, and Zanzia had said she noticed that the girls were brighter, and treated them differently… Maybe things had gone according to plan for an integration trial. Maybe this was all still-

Zanzia returned, pushing a triple-seated stroller.

The shade was down, and blocked the view of the inside.

Stanlin’s stomach flipped as he caught three pairs of bare legs poking out from beneath the shade however.

At the top of each was obviously a diaper. A very, very thick diaper.

Zanzia pushed the stroller over, and raised her finger to her lips.

“They’re sleeping,” she whispered, “All worn out from play group. There was a new playground opening today, with scheduled activities. Hundreds of them, group games, fruit drink, the works.”

“Oh…” he stuttered, then remembered to whisper when he saw one of the bare legs shift, though it didn’t get far with the thick diaper. “And, uh, so what did you change when you noticed how bright they are?”

She smiled, then pointed to the diapers.

“Extra bulky,” she stated.

He blinked.

“To stop them from getting uppity. Nobody likes a little snob who knows that she’s that much smarter than the others. I make sure that they stay average and don’t know why. They fit in, and get to make friends, and don’t turn into little elitists. They’re not even the fastest in egg-and-spoon races or the best dancers in class, because of my clever thick diapers idea!”

She wore a huge grin.

He stared.

“So, uh, for the last three years, they’ve been-”

“Oh, the most precious, spoiled, and well-behaved Mommy’s Girls, because of their big thick diapers! Oh look, they’re beginning to stir.”

She was right. The three little sets of legs were beginning to kick slowly in the air around the bottom of the stroller, as if confirming where they were, and demonstrating how well they were pinned into place by the tight straps pulling down over their diapers.

“Oh,” Zanzia clucked, “Could you come with me upstairs? Sorry I thought we could talk here.”

“Why? Is something wrong?”

“They’re going to need a change. They’ve been in these diapers since before they left this morning, and I said that if they got a glowing review when they got home, well, I’d change them right away.”

“You sometimes… wait?”

“Of course. All parents of adoptees do. It’s one of the best techniques for getting obedience. They hate dirty diapers, and never get used to it.”

He nodded, a little stunned. Certain things were beginning to make sense, like comments made by Augila at work about how her girl acting up, and not getting a happy-nappy time until tomorrow now.

Well, if it worked…

Zanzia pushed the stroller onto a ramp besides the stairs, where an automatic system kicked in and carried them up.

The second floor was the opposite of the clean, mature environment below. They seemed to rise into an explosion of colour and toys.

Playpens. Bouncers. Rocking machines. Dolls. Even a blow-up castle. They had it all.

Including a wooden changing table with three head cushions and straps.

He watched Zanzia lift each sleepy girl up one-by-one, confirming that they were the three secret agents. Although he could barely recognize them from their earlier picture, with their hair done up in a mixture of heavy braids and styled curls and dyed, clipped full of bows, flowers, and butterflies. Their powersuits had been replaced with denim overall-skirts which flared out from their chests and ended above their hips, hiding their small womanly-assets even further. The diapers weren’t even remotely covered.

Their photos had shown them with determined, frowning mouths, which he now couldn’t see thanks to the enormous pacifiers made to look like giant strawberries which they were perpetually sucking on. 

He stiffened as Zanzia finished strapping in the last girl to the changing table, and decided to turn away.

And goodness, even as he didn’t look, he could tell that their diapers needed a change. He heard each fall into the diaper pail with a clang, and caught a whiff which was cleverly masked by powders and air freshener.

“Mr Stanlin, you can turn back now.”

He blinked, realizing that his mind had been racing over how to handle this, and found three sweet things lined up in colourful onesies and short frilly skirts. The big diapers strained out beneath, revealing the snaps of the onesies between their legs, and made the dresses seem more decorative than good for actually hiding anything.

“Cee, Zee, Bee, say hello.”

All at once they curtsied and bobbed their heads. Well they tried, it was a bit awkward in their thick diapers and tightening clothes.

Stanlin realized his heart could melt after all. He saw what she meant about taking them down a peg. Oh the poor things. But they were so cute!

Their strawberry pacifiers had been replaced with nighttime-themed moon and stars, which were just as big and kept them just as silent, causing them to rely on physical communication. Okay, goodness, these weren’t possibly ever secret agents… They couldn’t be…

Or Earth’s best just wasn’t really that outstanding, and people had overestimated the planet in their previous filings...

“Now, girls, you’ve had a very big day, so you don’t need to play in the yard today. Momma is gonna put on a nice show which you can watch from your bouncers, about three little angels who go looking for a magic feather. So you follow Mommy, and we’ll get you setup with some fun juice bottles.”

Stanlin watched them waddle off, oh-so obediently, and was left to pass the time.

He took in the complete, regressed world which he’d sent them to three years ago. He could never explain away this mistake. It could even lead to him getting reviewed on a random sampling of past jobs, and having a really weak vacation. Yeesh.

They… they weren’t doing so bad. Or bad at all really. Stanlin had never seen such an adorable situation.

He glanced around, and began taking notes of what worked for Earthers. The brand of diapers was well know, even he’d seen the ads. The spanking chart showed a sharp reduction within the first year, now settling on an average of once or twice a week for each girl. Some weeks they didn’t even get spanked at all!

He glanced around the dollhouse, looking at the fanciful scenes of tea parties and naked dolls in beds, then spotted something odd.

“Computer,” he said, whispering to his eyepiece, “What is that?

“Scanning….”

He pulled it out. It looked like an automatic vacuum cleaner for the floor, the type which was cheap and easily replaced. Parts of it had been repurposed.

“Conclusion - It is a vibrator. The three smaller inhabitants developed it, though haven’t had much luck being able to feel it through their diapers when sitting on it.”

“Does their mother know?”

“No. This advanced security-cam analysis software is only available to analytic department employees.”

He put the failed vibrator back into the dollhouse, and wondered.

Suddenly a smile spread across his face, the most wonderful idea. He began jotting down notes, and moments later was racing to Zanzia to give his farewell.

---

“Boss,” Stanlin said, tapping on the office door. “Gotta talk.”

“Yeah? It’s almost the end of the year Stanlin. Whatever it is would need to be an absolute emergenc-”

“I’ve marked Earth for adoption.”

“Oh, that’s good. I looked them up earlier and you would not believe the things they’re starting to do with plastics.”

“That’s the thing. They don’t pass. It’s still unclear.”

“Hrm. Well you can’t just make a call. The forms are what decide-”

“No, they don’t. Three years ago I put in the wrong forms, and nobody had any idea. Those three Earther brats have been in diapers ever since. And you know what? They’re fine. They’re making people happy, and are well taken care of.”

His supervisor shrugged.

“If you’re telling me, then you must have something in mind.”

“Yep.”

Stanlin slipped a page across his boss’s desk.

His supervisor began reading.

“You think this can work?”

“Absolutely. And it may even be for the best. But I’d need your stamp on it to get the required suggestive processes put in place.”

“Does such a thing as a ‘diaper fetish’ even exist on Earth?”

“Well it will. Eventually, after enough generations, every human being on that annoying little world will have it. I’ll put the file away until then, when the decision will be obvious. No fuss. No concerns. Everybody ends up happy.”

“Hrm, yeah sure. Turn them into a bunch of kinky little diaper freaks if you want. Nobody really cares about that place.”

“Well - I do. I’ve decided to delay my retirement. I want to keep an eye on this side project. For the next few decades only a small percentage of them will have a diaper fetish. I want to manage having the adoption process pluck them up and adjusted into homes, I truly believe I can make a whole bunch of parents happy.”

“And the little ones?”

“Oh, well they’re well taken care of. And besides, the diaper fetishists will probably find a few moments. And the planet is already borderline anyway.”

“Hrm, that’s true. Will people be happy with a new type of adoption though?”

“Sure! Parents already have to fight to train their adoptees, they’d love a group who is also slightly more compliant due to mixed feelings, without being complete pushovers. Little ones are meant to be a bit fussy and self-important, that’s part of the charm, otherwise why would spankings and crib bars and all the straps and security systems exist?”

“Well, I can see you’re passionate. I don’t suppose you know that volunteering for more work will actually increase your performance rating? I can’t tell you that before you do it, because otherwise it wouldn’t be organic.”

“Oh, so I-”

“Yeah, could probably afford your own nice big place even while working, and even to adopt and get a Nanny if you want.”

A big smile spread across Stanlin’s face.

“Well, I’ve done a few extrapolations to know just when the type of diaper fetishists who I’d like to adopt will be appearing there. Just the right amount of filthy pervertedness that I can get them behaving how I want. I know a woman with three cute girls who I’d like them to be friends with.”

“So when will these staged rollouts of adoptions begin?”

“Oh, soon. But I think I’ll make my adoption in a few decades. By then, Earth will have hopefully invented some sort of Internet. I’ll even lay little hints of what I’m going to do, the great adoption coming for all the ABs I can identify. They’ll not know if it’s imagination or real, and will grow increasingly flustered while wondering in the back of their mind.”

His boss was typing something away at his computer, then paused as the machine chimed.

“What is it?” Stanlin asked.

“Well, I entered diaper fetish into the system. Prepping things.”

“And?”

“Well you know Meena down in Treaties? We may have a match.”

Stanlin stared, then a slow smile spread across his face.

“Boss, I’d like to personally volunteer to do a new review of Meena’s suitability for the adoption program. The system always prefers specific analysis over planet-wide scores. I think Augila is about to be very happy; she was talking about getting a second girl…