Candi's Christmas Cookie Crush! (Patreon)

This is Candi, the tallest elf in The North Pole with the largest feet and the sweetest sweet tooth around! She looks forward to the end of the holiday season because every year from Christmas to New Years, she is entrusted with a very special task to undertake. Have you ever wondered what happens to all the bad little girls and boys who never learn their lesson and grow up to become bad little adults? Well Santa in his infinite wisdom of deciding who is nice and who is naughty has been turning a select few of the nastiest of adults into cute little Christmas cookies; gingerbread men and women to be precise. All still fully conscious, all still very much themselves in their hearts and minds, just much smaller and far more delicious!

As Santa gathers them all up and returns to the North Pole, he hands them all over to Candi, who, despite her cheery disposition and all-around kind personality, vehemently dislikes anyone who is inherently unkind. So, each year around this time, she gets to indulge in her heavily suppressed sadistic side and completely mangle a few naughty gingerbread people. If you ever find yourself in this situation, you should hope that you’re one of the first Candi gets her hands on. Because if she manages to get to you early, your suffering should be relatively short lived. Her method every year was to start out big, letting as many as a hundred of them out into an enclosed room and just going crazy on all of them! She would typically kick off her curly-toed slippers and stomp around indiscriminately in her red and green striped stockings, or even in her bare feet. One should hope it isn’t the latter, because even though she tended to smash people into oblivion on the first try, there was always a slight chance you would stick to her sole if she were barefoot. Once there was nothing left but crumbs on the floor, she would usually let one or two of the reindeer in to lick up the remains.

If you were one of the unlucky few to still be around by New Years Eve, its quite possible your torture would probably last for at least a few days. As much as Candi loved to let loose and be chaotic for a few hours, she also got a lot of satisfaction from prolonging a gingerbread person’s torture. She would always save about a dozen or so of the worst of the bunch and place them in embarrassing situations that would slowly destroy them over time. She placed them in warm glasses of milk and let them dissolve. She sometimes bit off their arms and legs and placed them in the reindeer pens to either get eaten or stepped on. A lot of times, she would hide them in the shoes of the other elves and let them slowly get crushed as they unwarily went about their busy days.

Most of the time, however, she would keep one in her room and slowly devour it, munching on their arms one night and their legs another night. Each day, she would put them in her stocking so they could enjoy the smell and the feel of her sweaty feet for the entire day. And when she got home every night, she would eat just a little bit more. She would never admit it to anyone, but she actually liked the taste that her feet added to them. It made them soft and warm and chewy. After a few days, the only thing left would be their terrified little gingerbread head. They would scream and scream, but she knew they all deserved it. How could people exist that didn’t treat others with love and kindness, especially at Christmas?! She gladly crushed and ate every single gingerbread man and woman with glee. She knew that with every tiny bite, she was making the world just a little bit merrier.