Oh, America! (Patreon)

No models, just a cottage in the woods on a moonlit night. Or is it daytime? It's deep in the thicket and it's a lot of fog out there...

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Alright, so this isn't really a post about the game or its development. This is more a post on my outlook on life and how that's going to ultimately affect development going along. This game is, and always has been, something I'm making for fun. Naturally I'd like it to generate money, but I continue to work on it because it's something I enjoy doing. I still enjoy making the game, but issues outside of the game are impacting that enjoyment.

I have Tinnitus. Random, but if you don't know it's a condition where a person hears auditory sounds that aren't actually there. In my case I hear a high pitched ringing in both ears that's louder than the volume that I can think at. There are no cures, as of this writing, and there is no real way to alleviate it. There are "masking" devices for people that can't deal with the sound but they just emit a counter sound that tricks the brain. So then you have an actual sound blocking out your phantom sound and people have to legit talk over that versus you just concentrating on what they're saying. Fun stuff. I've had it for over 20 years so I've more or less got it under control. It's one of those things you just have to deal with. Weed and games are some of the ways I deal with it. Sleep is also love. You might think that I'd have trouble sleeping with my brain screaming at me, but oh no, if there is one thing in life that I am a professional at; it's sleeping. My body craves it because it's the only time I can't hear the tinnitus. I can sleep 8-10 hours a day no problem.

I say that because, in my opinion, people can only deal with so much of anything before they snap in some form. Dealing with tinnitus takes up 50% of whatever I have to give off gate; with or without weed. Weed just lets me be happy while supplying that 50%. That means on any given day, at the most I have 50% capacity to deal with any BS that I'm going to have to deal with that day. That might not sound like a lot, but I feel like due to how I handle my tinnitus I have a fairly large capacity for fuckery even if I only have 50% of my total capacity available to deal with said fuckery.

On a side note, the way I deal with my tinnitus is two fold. I'll get on the more complex aspect later, but the easier aspect is this. I try and follow the serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. I know it's supposed to say "God" but I'm not Christian nor do you need to be to learn from or appreciate this so we're just gonna leave him out of this. But really, if you can do this it'll definitely help you out in life.

But back to the fuckery. Since I'm writing this you might can imagine that I may be getting close to reaching my allotted 50% capacity. Honestly, thankfully humans are biological "machines" not mechanical ones because my CPU would've long since overheated and caught fire. Then again, when some people lose their shit they go out and shoot folks so... I guess they're what Dell PC's would be if they were human. Just trash. Thankfully I don't buy Dell, I custom build, so my CPU hasn't burnt out just yet. It's close as hell though.

Why? Before I get on that let me get back to the other method I use for dealing with my tinnitus. Quite frankly it's simple and everybody really should be doing this, but I think; critically. Non stop. Now people might not need to do it non stop but if more people practiced a little critical thinking... I engage in discourse with myself at all times. I have full on verbal conversations with myself about whatever I may be thinking or what I think in general. I think about my thoughts. I think about why I think my thoughts. I think about other viewpoints about my thoughts. I take the time to understand why I think what I think and what that means. It doesn't mean that what I think is always right, especially if it's opinion based, but it does mean that I know what I think and I know why I think it.

Back to my biological CPU. Contrary to how it likes to portray itself, I never thought America was perfect. I did, however, believe that Americans and the institutions that controlled it did believe in the ideals and principles that it was founded on. I've believed that for a long time, but I no longer believe it now.

The world is currently in a crisis that people are either playing down or unconcerned with, but this climate change shit is real. I've been blessed to live in the same location for several decades and I've seen how the area around me has changed. Summers are longer and hotter. Winters are confused. Sometimes late. Sometimes early. Sometimes cold as fuck, the next day might be hot as hell (for winter) either way it'll be shorter than it used to be. Humans are a big/main cause of this and it's not even like we don't have the ability to use better technology. But American leaders aren't working seriously on this, and in turn developing countries aren't keen on cutting back emissions when more developed countries aren't nor are they offering alternatives. I get that I'm not rich and I'm not the one that would be footing the massive bill to upgrade/overhaul the energy/transport sectors but the argument is simple:

Climate change is real and we need to do something about it, new tech might be costly but it'll be better for the planet and more cost effective in the long run as the tech develops. If true and we act on it, money is spent but technology advances, possibly saving our way of life, and we're able to live better with the planet. If false and we act on it, money is spent but technology advances and we're able to better live with the planet. If false and we do nothing, cool story bro. However, if true and we do nothing, we're=fucked. I don't think people understand just how fragile ecosystems can be and the fact that we are currently in the middle of a mass extinction event, that while we didn't cause it, we aren't helping shit either. You have people in power that would rather assume this shit is not a big deal and that everything will always be ok than just invest in better tech.

Meanwhile, as the Earth burns, freezes, and wets itself, people in Murica are contemplating a got damn civil war over a loser that can't take an L. Republicans have literally made a saying calling liberals "snowflakes" but these mf's lose an election and now they want a civil war? AHAHAHAHAHA! Not only do they want a war, they do so in the name of Democracy? There are candidates for election RIGHT NOW that are publicly saying they will not concede and the only way the election is valid is if they win. The fuck? I don't know enough about revolutions and repressions throughout the world for me to start being like "What is this supposed to be, Venezuela" Because for all I know a Venezuelan might read this and pop up like "Hey man, yeah we have our problems but y'all are fucking up. You ain't got no room to be talkin about us homes." Like, the former President literally tried to overthrow the damn country, LIVE, and half the country is like "peaceful protest". Democrats aren't much better. Maybe they aren't treasonous, but they're still useless  and have plenty of idiots on their side as well. It's just that the current Republicans are so bat shit crazy that any other choice seems better. Not that it matters, but I still wouldn't vote for Uncle Joe. I mean obviously I wouldn't vote for Trump either.

On top of this, Russia out here threating the N word because they're getting their asses kicked in Ukraine. China sitting back tryna tell Putin to chill, "Like yo, can't you see what we doin over here in Taiwan? We tryna run shit but you out chere talkin bout nukes? Aye, n***a chill!" So even if Russia doesn't start dropping nukes, China still out here just waiting to drop bombs over Bagh... Taiwan.

Honestly, if weed was legal I might be ok with all this. I would just move to the country, grow my weed, mind my own damn business and start a family (maybe on the family). But it isn't. Between the climate I'm seriously concerned with, the country I have 0 faith in, and the possibility of alleged nuclear Armageddon or WWIII for short; I don't have the time, patience, fucks, whatever you want to put there, I don't have the "it" to care anymore. I grew about 2-3 pounds of weed last year. I'm not sure the exact amount because I stopped weighing after I got up to a pound. I do know it ended up being around 60-70 full quart mason jars though. Of those 60-70 jars I only have 6 left. Yes, I smoked it ALL.  Took a long time and a lot of bowl packs but I'm down to 3 jars of Indica and 3 of Sativa. When the last of that weeds burns out, so too will my desire to be here. I see no reason to stay, I have no hopes for the future and thankfully I have no obligations to keep me here. Except maybe debt, but I'll write them an IOU that they can cash when I'm gone. I wanted kids, but now I'm glad my pull out game was so strong. I fear for the next generation of Americans. I dunno what kind of world we're gonna leave our kids. Well, maybe not we. But yeah, that about sums it up. I'm going to stop eating and go on a road trip or some shit. I don't look at it as dying, it'll be like taking one last vacation before finally going to sleep to be free of tinnitus for good. Hell, I'm proud of myself for lasting this long. Tinnitus is ass. My goal is to get the complete prologue out before I take that journey though. Sadly it doesn't seem like I'll get to do much more than that... it's not like people are lining up to play this anyway. But who knows, nothing is set in stone. Maybe the bank will make an error in my favor or maybe weed gets federally legalized within the next... 4 months or so. Welp, everybody stay blessed!