"Water Cooler Talk" (Patreon)

PAGE ONE

(A full page of rippling, distorted water, with occasional bubbles rising through it.  Words center on page, no caption box.)

WATER COOLER TALK

Words:  Jeffrey C. Wells

Pictures and Editing: Shaenon K. Garrity

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE

[As with page one, rippling distorted water.]

Caption (center panel, water around it on all four sides):  Hey guys.

PANEL TWO

[Camera draws back, it is increasingly clear that we are looking at the outside of the water bottle on top of the office's water cooler.  The water bottle is emblazoned with the logo "Olympia Waters", and then, in smaller font, "Product of Washington".  Speech bubbles can just barely be seen, as though the voices are coming from a great distance.]

Unity (off-panel):  What about the fat black guy?

Sweetheart (ditto):  Holy geez, you wouldn't believe.

PANEL THREE

[Camera back.  Still focused on the water tank, but we can just barely begin to see little fragments of image around the edge of the panel, representing Sweetheart and Unity chatting away.  Their speech bubbles are becoming clearer.]

Sweetheart:  Get this:  He wants to cut one of the diagnostic team.

Caption (bottom):  It's good to see you.

PANEL FOUR

[Camera back, further.  Sweetheart and Unity more clearly visible and audible.]

Unity (_a la_ Kevin Bacon in _Footloose_, "You've gotta be kidding."):  Jump back.

Sweetheart:  Honest!  And it isn't even about the money.

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE

[Camera back, further.  Sweetheart and Unity now clearly visible.]

Sweetheart:  He's playing mind games.

Sweetheart (to Olympia the Water Cooler):  One.

Olympia (in her standard electronic font):  service is my only joy

PANEL TWO

[Olympia is seen filling Sweetheart's bowl.]

Sweetheart:  He just wants to twist Doc to his will.

Unity:  Ain't gonna happen.

PANEL THREE

Sweetheart:  I know!  Nobody crosses the Doc.

Unity (holding a paper cone under the spigot):  One.

Olympia (standard electronic font):  service is my only joy

PANEL FOUR

[Olympia fills Unity's paper cone.]

Unity:  So what was the disease this week?

Sweetheart:  Eh, I dunno.

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE

Sweetheart:  Some kind of anthrax / leprosy / oozing skin lesion combo thing.

Unity (while sipping, around her cone):  Harsh.

Moustachio (offscreen):  Attention!

PANEL TWO

Moustachio (offscreen):  I am Tasked to In-form you all that the Sandwiches have Arrived!

Unity (heading out, tossing the paper cone over her shoulder):  Rock.

Sweetheart:  'Bout time.

PANEL THREE

[Unity and Sweetheart head off-panel to the left.]

Unity: Okay, so how'd he get anthrax?

Sweetheart: Get this -- _Attic Insulation_.

PANEL FOUR

[Olympia is left alone, panel center.]

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE

[Double-width panel, Olympia, alone, panel center.  Very empty-feeling.]

PANEL TWO

[Same as above]

Caption (bottom, Olympia):  So, okay, g'bye!

PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE

[Olympia continues speaking in caption.]

Olympia:  I hope you enjoyed your water as much as I enjoyed dispensing it!

PANEL TWO

Olympia:  I hope you enjoy your sandwiches, too.  Unity, I know you've been excited.

PANEL THREE

Olympia:  I'd like to hear how they tasted.  Could you maybe talk about that next time?

PANEL FOUR

Olympia:  I know you like talking about your shows, though.

PAGE SEVEN

PANEL ONE

Olympia:  Oh, it's okay that you do that.  I don't mind much.

PANEL TWO

Olympia:  But… I _would_ like to hear how your sandwiches were.

PANEL THREE

[Double-width panel, bottom.  Close on Olympia burbling agitatedly.]

Olympia:  Among other things…

PAGE EIGHT

[More or less a full page of text.  Olympia is barely visible.  Caption boxes are scattered across the page, skewed and slanted, possibly overlapping at times, but generally proceeding down the page.]

Olympia:  …I'd also like to hear the National Symphony someday.  To hear music that drives me wild, leaves my mind fumbling vainly for words to describe the terrible power of the emotions within me.

Olympia:  I would like to hear geese exulting as they rise from a mist-blanketed lake on a frosty morning in October, or the chorus of frogs on a hot and moonlit night in July.

Olympia:  I would like to hear grandmothers laugh, to hear cats purr.

Olympia:  I want to know what a heart sounds like from a millimeter away.  I want to know what a waterfall sounds like from a mile.

Olympia:  I want to know the sound of rain on something other than the director's window.  I want to know the sound of fire.  I want to know the sound of dancing.

Olympia:  I want to know the sound of a baby being born.

PAGE NINE

PANEL ONE

[Double-width panel, much like 7.3.]

Olympia:  It's not so much to ask for, really.

PANEL TWO

[Lower left:  Olympia alone.]

PANEL THREE

[Lower Right:  Olympia alone, but words are beginning to filter in from off-panel left.]

Tip (off-panel):  hot hot hot hot hot

PAGE TEN

PANEL ONE

[Tip bursts into the scene from Panel Left.]

Tip:  hot hot hot hot HOT!

PANEL TWO

Tip (to Olympia, holding a water cone under the spigot):  One!

Olympia (standard electronic font):  service is my only joy

PANEL THREE

Unity (off-panel):  TIP, YOU FRIGGIN' LIGHTWEIGHT!

Tip (yelling back):  SUE ME!  THOSE PEPPERS ARE *MURDER*!

PANEL FOUR

[Tip downs his water.]

PAGE ELEVEN

PANEL ONE

[Tip leans exhaustedly against the water cooler.]

Tip:  Thank god.

PANEL TWO

[Tip kisses the top of the water bottle.]

PANEL THREE

[Tip walks back out.]

Tip (calling out):  And please don't hog the salami this time!

Sweetheart (off-panel):  Hey, first come, first serve!

PANEL FOUR

[Olympia, once again, alone.]

PAGE TWELVE

[A full page of water, again, as with panel 2.1.]

Caption (center, very small):  But it's okay.

Caption (lower right, very small):  Because service is my only joy.