On Growth, Setbacks, and OhioStateLexi (Patreon)

For a college sophomore, I had a pretty fancy living space... relatively speaking. My dorm in Jones Tower was barely bigger than a prison cell, but it had a bathroom, a mini-fridge and microwave, and was situated on the 13th floor. I jokingly called it the penthouse. It was a single, which was a vast improvement over the 12 person suite I had suffered through during my freshman year. It was just me, my wi-fi, and my dreams of financial stability, fame, and purpose. My classes were all in the afternoon, which suited my night-owl habits perfectly. From roughly 12PM-7AM (give or take a few hours depending on the day or post-party hangover), I'd work diligently on my blog, OhioStateLexi. Often I put more work into that site than I did my classes, and its by no accident that I took 12-13 hour semesters that year instead of having a super full workload. I was determined to become a millionaire by 21 (a dream I laugh at now) and graduate from OSU as a notable entertainment blogger. 

OhioStateLexi was not nearly as nuanced or polished as Intelexual Media, but it had a sizeable following. I covered fashion and music releases, celebrity gossip, food, relationship drama, sexuality, and even wandered frequently into the realm of history, mythology, and social issues. I posted event listings, advertised services, and took pictures at campus parties. I quickly gained a reputation for knowing everything around black OSU and being "that chick with the blog."

As such, OhioStateLexi was my pride and joy. My twitter following wasn't more than five or six thousand strong, but those were big numbers for my target audience- black Ohio State. Even when I felt like nobody was reading my posts, I consistently hammered out new content. Every view or retweet was a win in my book. I understood that each interaction was just a stepping stone to the next phase in my career. And I was very right. The blog started in October of my freshman year, but just one year later I was parlaying the OhioStateLexi brand into party hosting gigs, local celebrity/influencer interviews, and small opportunities (that often didn't even pay).  A very small part of me knew that there would come a time that I would no longer be able to use the OhioStateLexi name, for one of two reasons: I would graduate and the name would no longer be fitting OR the blog would become so popular that Ohio State would try to sue me. I hoped that it would be the latter reason. 

In that lovely dorm room in Jones Tower with the cinderblock walls and fluorescent lighting, I opened a letter from my school sometime in Winter 2014 telling me that I must cease and desist using the name OhioStateLexi. They summarized their decision by informing me that the raunchiness and vulgarity I exhibited weren't aligned with Ohio State's brand. I had just a few weeks to scrub the identity from the internet and completely conceptualize something new. 

While I understood that meant my desire had come true, that I had become popping enough to warrant being shut down, I panicked slightly. It was a setback I had foreseen, but hadn't fully planned for. The news had came faster than anticipated. I truthfully didn't want to part with my moniker until I was about to graduate, and I certainly didn't have a new name to use! To make matters worse, the website server I used was primitive, and I would need to manually move over 600 posts from the old site to the new. After I spent a few days panicking (and selecting a new name: XtraXtraLeX), I bounced back into growth mode.

I vowed to put in the work to make XtraXtraLex better than OhioStateLexi ever was. More than anything, I wanted to rise to a level of skill and professionalism that would make Ohio State thirsty to work with me one day. I spent two weeks creating a new list of content and designing a new website (and missed a lot of class in the process). When I launched XtraXtraLeX, I felt proud and vindicated. Less than 96 hours later, the entire website (and the 600 posts I had meticulously copied and pasted) had been deleted by Wordpress for having sexually explicit material. This setback nearly ended me, I won't even lie. I remember hurling books at my dorm room wall in agony to keep myself from screaming like a banshee. All I wanted to do was grow, and the universe was not letting me have my way. 

But the glimmer of one day receiving a co-sign from my school was too bright for me to turn away from. My depression reared it's ugly head. You had a good run with this blog shit, Lexi. But it's over. You're over. You spent the first two years of college building a failure. And you definitely won't be a millionaire by 21. My anxiety flared up. You're going to graduate a failure, if you even graduate at all. Disturbed at my own mind willing me to give up, I instead challenged myself to look past these setbacks. I stopped looking at those first two years as a waste and decided to look at what I still had left. TWO whole years left in school, tuition and housing paid. I'd be a fool if I didn't continue to attempt to grow.

So after making a vision board, smoking a few blunts, and having a few good cries, I spent another few weeks re-building the XtraXtraLex site. It debuted to love and engagement (though in amounts that pale to current Intelexual Media numbers). The next year I returned to my Jones Tower penthouse and continued to pump my all into XtraXtraLeX. I faced setbacks (like discovering I didn't have a desire to continue entertainment blogging... which zapped my creative energy for nearly a year), but I counted each and every moment as a marker of my evolution. I learned lessons, I readjusted, and I discovered my actual purpose in informing and inspiring people in my community to create a better world for the next generation. I shudder to think about how different my path would have been if I had simply given up after being banned from calling myself OhioStateLexi. 

So why am I telling you all of this?

I tell you all of this because I want each of you, my supporters, to understand how excited I was about returning to Ohio State last week to participate in a forum for Society of Sisters, a black women's club on campus. With every retweet, like, comment, donation, purchase, or suggestion you guys have provided to me over the past few years (some of you have been on my team for so long!!!), I was able to accomplish not only being recognized by my alma mater for my hard work, but also being paid for the honor! It was a big damned deal for me and I can't wait for ya'll to see the vlog. 

But I also told ya'll all of this because I hope that if you are a creator who is struggling right now, know that this struggle never ends. I created my first blog in high school. In terms of branding and writing, it was a travesty... but it was my stepping stone. OhioStateLexi and XtraXtraLeX, when compared to Intelexual Media, were also travesties. But those were (and this is) some of the most important moments in my career thus far. With that idea in mind, one day, Intelexual Media will have grown so much that it's current form will be laughable. 

During the OhioStateLexi and XtraXtraLex eras I sharpened my skills and got used to not receiving the accolades and opportunities I strongly believed I deserved. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of unrequited celeb press inquiries and feature requests in my old emails. Instead of quitting, I decided to re-strategize. Each and every major setback was a ritualistic experience that involved a brand new notebook with a vision board erected on the front cover. That may not be your cup of tea, but the message remains the same. If you are having a hard time understanding the value in underpaid commissions, transcribing two hour interviews, press features from small blogs nobody has ever heard of, or spending late nights fixing something that you didn't anticipate being broken, know that GROWTH often requires unsung hard work, re-strategization, and effort. 

I'm in your corner. 

So first let me remind you that I'm a realist- not everybody worthy will succeed in the creative/internet game for reasons ranging from systematic oppression (both racial and sexist) to intellectual theft. I also recognize that I had the privilege of leisure time to pursue this career while in college. So I do not intend for this post to sell you a fools dream that "hard work" and "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps" will always yield life-changing results. Instead, I seek to give a dash of hope and wisdom to those who need it. Before you dedicate your time to pursuing anything creative as a full-time career (writing, music, youtubing, photography, etc), ask yourself if you can handle putting in tons of hard work while understanding that the possibility of failure is always looming. If you are still willing to dedicate your all while knowing you can still fail, then you are ready. Nothing else matters. It's time to grow into the best version of yourself that you can. If that means being the best writer, then dammit, be thirsty for every writing assignment. Read everything. Blog everything even if nobody reads it. Everything counts. 

More advice?:

• Have contingency plans. Plan for things to go wrong so that you aren't surprised or demoralized. Rarely anything worth having is going to come easy.
• Celebrate your little wins. Toot your own horn. Now don't get too comfortable (after all, maintaining an audience requires keeping it fresh), but don't forget to hold yourself accountable for your own growth. You can thank God, your family, your friends, etc... but you should also be thanking yourself!
• Passion or Pass. When it comes to accepting or declining opportunities, always ask yourself if the opportunity will be enriching your passion. EVEN IF the opportunity doesn't pay. I understand you have bills to pay (and one day you will reach the point where being asked to do something for free is an insult), but if you are still spreading your wings as a creative, accept grunt work with a smile. Stack that resume, beloved! If an un/under-paid opportunity in your field becomes available, treat it as a learning or networking experience that will aid in your evolution. 

The road won't get easier, but you will get better at dealing with bullshit and bouncing back. Whenever you need to be motivated to bounce back, remember MY SCHOOL TRIED TO SHUT ME DOWN AND I STILL DIDN'T LET IT STOP ME!  I still have days where I wonder if things I am researching or writing will impact someone (or even be read), but those days will not stop my grind. 

I treat every activity, every task, and every opportunity as a step in my evolution. I no longer make insane goals like "being a millionaire by 21", and I don't compare my success to others my age. I'm not penthouse living in Jones Tower anymore (or elsewhere, for that matter), but I recall the nights of hard work that I put in there. This journey of growth, into the best Elexus Jionde that I can be, is my own. Years from now some parts of me may be different (who knows, maybe one day I'll prefer having black hair to colored strands), but one thing will remain the same. I want to succeed in my lane.