59. Just Enjoy It (Patreon)

A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry for the wait! I am exhausted and have been struggling to focus lately and should probably take a break. So uh. I'll let you know if I ever manage to convince myself to do that. Until then, enjoy the continued chapters! Oh, and content warning for you: there's a brief, nonconsensual thigh touch in this chapter. 

"But how it shoot so fast!?" Kagiso exclaims, throwing her arms up into the air. "Kaboom! Kachow! So loud! Could not even see!"

I'm lounging on top of Helen's backpack, my forelimbs draped over her shoulders as we collectively lament bringing up guns around Kagiso. She is… enamored with them, to say the least.

"This is oversimplifying things, but guns are basically just a tiny tube with a firing mechanism," I explain. "The bullet has a bunch of explosive powder packed inside of it, and when that stuff explodes there's only one way for the projectile to go: outside the tube."

"That sounds absurdly dangerous for everyone involved," Helen comments.

"Eh," I hedge. "I mean, they're certainly not safe, but guns have existed in some form or another for centuries in my world, and we've been improving them pretty much that entire time. Modern-day ones aren't going to randomly explode on you. …I think."

"Confirmation: the theory is sound," Sela chirps. "Multiple materials both light enough to carry and sturdy enough to contain repeated detonations without warping exist. Many Crafted projectile weapons utilize a similar concept."

"Give one!?" Kagiso begs.

"I will not," Sela buzzes. "Continue pestering Hannah."

"Hannah!!!"

I sigh. Kagiso is weirdly excited about new and improved murder tools, but I guess I can't really blame her considering how often we get nearly murdered.

"Like I said, I'll talk to Ida about it," I sigh. "We should definitely get you some kind of weapon soon, at least."

"Could make bow if still on tree," Kagiso scowls, wrinkling her nose. "But no wood here! Long sightlines, every direction, but no bow. Bah."

"Travel update: will be entering a cave system in two point three segments, traveling at current pace," Sela reports. "Travel advisory: subterranean predators frequent areas this far from the trunk. Polite suggestion: rip a monster open and craft weapons from its entrails. If meat is good for one thing, it is material."

"Ooooh!" Kagiso brightens up considerably. "Yes! Yes!"

"What's a segment?" I ask.

"A period of nine hundred beats," Sela answers.

"...What's a beat?"

Sela beeps once, drawing it out for about a second. Which, uh, I guess is my answer.

"Thanks," I say, though Sela doesn't respond outside of an odd twitch of a few internal mechanisms. I never really thought about timekeeping here, but I suppose it makes sense that things would be different. The vast majority of my life in this universe has just been sitting on people's heads as they walk from place to place, so I've never really been in a situation where I need to care all that much about schedules. The few times I've even managed to be around people other than my friends were times I was either hiding or in the middle of a crisis or both. I really, really hope the Crafted city will break that trend.

"We're sure that the bots aren't going to just try to murder us, right?" Helen asks, mirroring my thoughts.

"Not unless a coup has occurred and completed in my absence," Sela chirps. "Unfortunately, that is overwhelmingly unlikely. I anticipate a near-guaranteed probability that the expected hierarchy both remains in place and will be inclined overwhelmingly favorably to your presence. Meat-based visitors are… uncommon."

"Well, having an established history of genocide will do that," Helen grunts.

"Yes," Sela agrees. "That was the idea. I will now be entering power-saving mode due to core temperature concerns. Please do not not address me unless you require directions."

"We won't," I assure it, using Refresh to clean its strained cooling fans as much as I can. "We'll get you fixed up soon, Sela. Thanks again."

It twitches again, but doesn't otherwise answer as it winds down. Poor thing. I imagine trying to run yourself on mostly-broken hardware is kind of like trying to get through the day without any food or sleep. It can't be pleasant. Although, speaking of…

"Is it weird that I'm really looking forward to getting to hunt some monsters?" I ask. "I'm super hungry."

"Why that weird?" Kagiso asks, tilting her head.

"I'm also kind of looking forward to it," Helen admits. "Although unlike Kagiso, I realize… yeah. It's weird. I'm just itching to sink my teeth into something, though. Like, unhealthily so."

"Oh, I'm fairly sure you don't have to worry about your health," I assure her. "Your body is extremely capable of ingesting raw meat."

"Wow, that… actually makes me feel so much worse," Helen winces. "No offense, but I'm not really looking forward to becoming a cannibal, you know?"

"Wait, cannibal?" I ask. "You don't have to be a cannibal to eat raw meat. Most raw meat isn't people meat."

"Oh," Helen says, shifting awkwardly under me. "Yeah, that… that seems really obvious now that you say it."

There's a pause.

"...You really live like this, huh?" she asks quietly, her clawed hands digging lightly into her palms.

Guilt and joy press into me in equal measure at those words. Because, yes. Yes, I live like this. I have to constantly catch my thoughts as they slide into places I never knew they could go. I have to crave things I fear. I have to love things I hate. And now you do too. I'm sorry, but also… thank you.

"I know it's not actually comforting to say 'you get used to it,'" I tell her, "but you get used to it. People smell good. People taste good. It's just a food craving. It won't automatically turn you into a murderous beast."

"It's not like I wasn't already a murderous beast," Helen says quietly, "so I guess it's not a big deal either way."

I don't have an answer to that, so I just squeeze her shoulders a little tighter. She leans her head slightly to the side, pressing one of my limbs between it and her shoulder, to return the hug.

"It's all so weird," she admits. "Everything is so different. I keep thinking I can feel people move behind me and then I look back and I was right but I don't understand how I know it. It's something with my tail, it's gotta be, it always twitches and feels funny when I get the sensation but I don't know how it works. And like… breathing is so weird, too. I keep catching myself breathing heavily through my mouth like a goddamn stalker because the air tastes weird. It's just… it's so much more than I thought it would be, all the time."

"Yeah," I say quietly. "Yeah, I'm sorry, Helen. The spell does a lot of messed up things, but a big part of its core is giving people experiences similar to my own so they can better empathize with me. And I have a wild extra sense. Like, I can see from a higher-dimensional perspective and have perfect spatial awareness of everything in a big radius around me, including stuff inside other stuff. So I'm constantly looking at everybody's internal organs and whatnot, and it just… never turns off?"

"So jealous!" Kagiso whines. "Should have shook mind rapist down for sense-sharing spell."

I wince at the mention of Sindri, but soldier on.

"Anyway, yeah, my spell probably gave you extra senses to give you a more intimate understanding of my recent experiences," I say. "And… yeah. Sorry."

"What's done is done," Helen shrugs. "You saved my damn life, Hannah. I'm not complaining. And it's not like I don't have fucked up spells that I use on people from time to time. Though if it's about sharing experiences, how come your spell gave me scales and feathers and huge fucking tits instead of turning me into a little leggy creature?"

"Well, I'll have you know my other body also has some pretty nice boobs," I insist. "But yeah there's, uh, more to it. Like, um. Geez, you're probably a dinosaur because of this one famous movie series?"

"I don't know what a dinosaur is or what a movie is," Helen points out.

"Oh right. Gosh," I blink. "Gosh, I should like, bring you guys to Earth sometime. We have so much cool stuff. …But you'd probably need to learn English to understand any media. Hmm. I could try to teach you English?"

"Focus, Hannah. What's a dinosaur?"

"Oh! Right! Yeah, dinosaurs are super cool! Basically, like, a super duper mega long time ago in my world, there were these absolutely massive animals, like crazy big. I guess not like, branch serpent big, but like ten times taller than a person big! And remember, our world doesn't have any magic."

"Woah. Yeah. That must have been terrifying," Helen nods. "You said 'were,' though? What happened to them?"

"Well, we don't know for sure!" I answer excitedly. "The primary theory is that an asteroid—"

"What's an asteroid?"

"It's a big rock out in space, which means it's beyond the atmosphere, beyond the clouds, beyond the sky. Anyway a super big one of them probably smashed into our planet and did so much damage that the entire climate changed and froze them all to death."

"And you guys don't remember this!?" Helen asks incredulously.

"Nope! Because this all happened millions of years before humans ever even evolved! No one has ever seen a living dinosaur! We just have fossils of them—which means bones that turned into rock over an absurdly long amount of time—so we can make some very good educated guesses as to what they were like by basing theories off their evolutionary descendants, but… yeah! There's nothing truly like them left alive in our world."

"Huh," Helen says. "That does sound kind of cool. You're using way more of your home language's words than usual, though. What's 'evolved' or 'evolutionary?'"

"Oh, that's… geez. Okay," I hum. "It's basically how species turn into other species over time, without magic?"

"...But that doesn't happen without magic," Helen says.

"Well… yes, it does. In my world. And… probably also in this world? Although Transmutation magic exists, and… hmm. Is permanent Transmutation inheritable?"

"Are you asking if the kids of something that's transformed will also be transformed? Yeah, absolutely," Helen nods. "That's like, where most every monster comes from."

"Okay, wow, that explains a lot," I hum. "Well, we don't have that, but… we also sort of do? It's just way way way slower and happens over countless generations of individually imperceptible changes."

"Huh," Helen grunts. "Seems kind of weird. So is this 'evolution' thing why I have tits?"

Oh right that.

"I, uh. Well. Technically yes?" I answer. "But in practical terms, no. You, uh. You have very nice boobs because the spell also might maybe sort of make you physically attractive? By my standards, specifically?"

Helen goes quiet for a bit at that, taking a deep breath as her eyes flick around absently, her mind in deep thought as she churns out the implications of that.

"...Okay," she says. "That's a little creepy, Hannah."

"I know," I groan. "I'm so sorry, Helen."

"Also, I just… you're attracted to women?" she asks incredulously. "You're a woman, right?"

"I… yes…?" I squeak. "Is that a problem?"

Please don't be a fantasy bigot please don't be a fantasy bigot please don't be a fantasy bigot.

"No, it's not a problem," Helen says, and I let out a sigh of relief. "I just… didn't expect it. Your cuddles with Kagiso always seemed so… chaste."

"Well, they are!" I assure her hurriedly. "I don't really see Kagiso that way."

"No see me what way?" Kagiso asks, tilting her head.

"Uh… as a romantic or sexual partner…?" I say awkwardly. If this body were capable of it I'd probably be blushing hard enough to give myself a stroke.

"Oh. Yes. No sex please. Too pointy."

What the falafel!? I did NOT expect Kagiso to say something like that!

"Also, Hannah better as hat," Kagiso grins.

Hana better as Hana. Gah! Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, fuzzbutt. My name is normal in my language!

"A-also this body wasn't really capable of feeling attraction until recently," I stammer, turning my attention back to Helen in a stupid and likely ineffective play to avoid further embarrassment. "It's just recently started up in this universe and it's kind of weird. But like. Uh. No. As much as I love cuddling her, it's just as a friend."

"Whereas I've been turned into some kind of weird idealized attractive form?" Helen says, raising an eyebrow. "Should I be flattered?"

"I. Uh. I don't. Um. I guess you can if you want to be, but…"

"Yeah, I was kidding," Helen says flatly. "Whatever. Like I said, it's not a big deal. Creepy, but not that creepy. Goddess knows magic just does shit like that. I appreciate you coming clean about it."

She scratches the feathers growing out of her forearms, her tail swishing behind her.

"I have, uh, never been called attractive before?" Helen admits. "And the absolute last place I expected to hear it from was a skittery extradimensional cannibal bug that just transmuted me into something freaky, but like. It's still. A novel and not entirely unpleasant experience, I guess? Maybe?"

"Perhaps we should all just agree to be awkward about the situation together and change the subject to something else," I suggest desperately.

"Yes," Helen agrees. "Let's."

"Disagree!" Kagiso grins. "Have question! What Helen think attractive?"

Helen twitches, looking a little nervous.

"Uh. You first?" she tries.

"Organs," Kagiso answers immediately, leaving us feeling like fools. "Your turn! Boys? Girls? Absence of boy or girl?"

"I do not get off on disintegrating people," Helen growls.

"Okay! Not what meant but that narrows down!"

"Hannah," Helen whines. "Help!"

"I mean, I don't know what you expect me to distract her with," I answer. "I already said I'm a lesbian."

"A lesbian that goes to bed every night snuggling all four of her tits."

"H-hey!" I protest. "That's all Kagiso! She just kinda grabs me."

"What, you don't like it?" Helen taunts.

"I did not say that, cuddling Kagiso is delightful, but it's different, okay!? I'm allowed to be complicated!"

"Hannah snuggles not point of conversation!" Kagiso complains. "Is Helen bothering time!"

"Wait, why is there a specific 'Helen bothering time?'" Helen protests.

"Because say so!!!" Kagiso insists, jabbing Helen in the collarbone. "Hannah apologize, Hannah talk, Hannah sorry, blah blah blah. Your turn! Want to know about you!"

"Well, I don't know, okay!?" Helen snaps. And then again, more quietly: "I don't know. I've never… it hasn't exactly been a relevant consideration for me."

Kagiso and I share a brief look before I hesitantly press forward.

"I mean… even if you've never been in a relationship, you see people regularly," I say. "You draw art of people. Do you not have… aesthetic preferences?"

"That's different," Helen insists. "I draw art of myself, or of people I make up. Hardly ever real people. Because I can't… I can't get attached to people, you know? The whole world wants to kill me!"

"I mean, we don't want to kill you," I point out.

"Sure, yeah, and that's… weird and different," Helen agrees hesitantly. "A good weird and different but not like a… I don't know. I'm certainly not sexually attracted to whatever the fuck kind of weird thing you are Hannah, no offense."

"Oh for sure, none taken," I agree. "Though I'll hopefully get sexier later!"

"Sure, if you say so," Helen sighs. "But like, seriously, I've had to repress the hell out of shit like that, because if I don't I die. It happens to Chaos mages all the time. You set down roots, you confide in people, you make connections… you die. It's not a huge deal with you guys because we're always on the move and dropping pursuers anyway, but I can't ever stay in one place, you know? Stick around too long, and either the hunters find me, or… or I end up doing something that makes them find me."

Helen suddenly looks a lot less composed than usual, a deep, internal panic briefly coming to the surface before she hides it away again, shaking hands going still like there was never a problem at all.

"It's not a concern for me, I guess is what I'm saying," Helen concludes. "You guys are enough. More than I ever thought I could have. I don't want to risk anything else."

"Hmm. Okay," Kagiso nods. "That an answer. Sorry."

"What? No, it's… it's fine, Kagiso," Helen insists. "There's nothing you need to apologize for."

"Travel advisory!" Sela suddenly chirps, though its voice is that chipper, feminine one that I'm pretty sure means it's not actually Sela itself doing the talking. "In five hundred FEET_HEURISTIC, please enter the cave system on your left!"

"Aww!" I coo. "It changed its measurements to feet!"

"Okay, well, I have no idea how much distance that is," Helen points out flatly, "and unlike you I'm actually one of the people walking places."

"Right, right right. It's not, uh, super far? We should be seeing the cave any second now…"

It is indeed simple enough to find where we're going, although Sela still helpfully chirps "Turn left!" at us immediately after we've already done so. The caves are tall, thin, and dark, like a great fissure opened up inside a crumbling rock rather than the smooth, water-carved caves of Earth. Fortunately, I brought flashlights with the camping supplies, and after happily indulging in how adorable Helen and Kagiso act while fawning over the Earth tech, we start heading deeper.

Soon enough the thin fissure widens into a more easily traversable cave system, though it slows our progress considerably because we have to wait for Helen to disintegrate the stuff that did the widening. Stonerot leaks in from the surface, eating away at the inside of the pillar just as much as it devours the outside, the green pseudo-fungus happily devouring the guts of an entire world. Helen obliterates it with extreme prejudice, a look of distaste on her face for even being around it. The stuff isn't quite everywhere, though, either because it has yet to reach that far or just because someone else has scoured it before us, and the journey continues smoothly from there. Sometimes, the caves even look like the ones I'm used to back home.

"Wait, hold on," Helen says, suddenly stopping. The fan of feathers on the end of her tail start to twitch. "Does anyone… okay, I mean, I assume no one else feels that?"

"Nope," I answer. "What's up?"

She leans forward a little, her mouth hanging ever so slightly open even when she isn't speaking, glints of her carnivorous teeth visible between her lips.

"I don't know, it's… something's moving," she says. "About your size but… kind of flat, almost?"

"Edible?" I ask.

She takes a deep breath through her mouth, then licks her lips.

"...Yeah," she confirms.

"Then… shall we hunt?"

"I, uh. Okay."

I leap off her shoulders and hook my claws into the stone of the wall as Helen bursts forwards, her tail's excited thrashing betraying an anticipation that doesn't show on her face. I skitter after her as best I can, shifting through the wall and running along the inside of the stone as she twists down a bend in the tunnel. Kagiso giggles, following behind us at a more sedate pace.

Soon enough, my spatial sense picks up whatever it was Helen detected with her tail. A flat, lizard-like creature that seems like it might be a small version of the beasts of burden I've seen traveling merchants use rushes along the wall, and I quickly leap through the stone to flank behind it. Helen bursts around a corner, rushing straight at the poor animal as it chirrups and tries to scuttle away, only to run directly into me. Terrified indecision hits it for a moment, and that's more than enough time for Helen to leap up and kick it with her foot, scraping it off the wall and pinning it to the ground with her massive talons.

"Nice!" I congratulate her, pulling myself the rest of the way back into 3D space.

"What the fuck," Helen breathes. "What was that? I just… it's like something else took over. But… not."

"Welcome to having creepy monster instincts, I guess," I tell her, walking over to the still-struggling creature and spearing it through the brain with a forelimb. "It's probably best to just let yourself enjoy it where you can, as long as things don't go overboard."

"I guess so," Helen agrees, taking her foot off our prey and squatting down to look at it more closely. "Ugh, why does it smell so good? It's like… it smells the same as raw meat has always smelled, I know it's just raw meat, but…"

"But it's suddenly super good instead of just kind of a smell, yeah," I confirm, a warmth in my chest that would have forcibly turned itself into a grin in my other body. She gets it. Finally. Someone I can talk to.

"So you really think I should just eat it raw?" she asks.

"Do you want to eat it raw?" I ask back. "Like, don't get me wrong, I think you'll enjoy it, but it's not like cooked meat would taste bad. We can always set up a quick fire first."

"I suppose that's fair," Helen agrees, her eyes not leaving the animal corpse. She swallows the saliva that's been pooling in her mouth. "...But it's probably a bad idea to start a fire in a cave, right?"

"Yeah, it might be," I confirm, internally giddy.

"So I should, y'know. It'd be safer to just eat it. Since I can."

"That makes sense to me!" I agree. Aaaaah, look at her self-justify! So cute! Haha oh Goddess why am I like this.

"Alright, well… here goes," Helen says, gingerly picking up the still-warm flesh and lifting it up to her face. She inhales slowly, basking in its scent, and then suddenly bites down hard, her teeth tearing through it and splintering bone like twigs. I watch the blood pour into her mouth, see her muscles tense as the flavor hits, and relish the secondhand joy of seeing her devour her first meal.

"Good?" I ask after she's nearly swallowed the entire thing.

"Wh… ah!" she flinches. "Shit, I'm sorry Hannah, I meant to save some for you, I just…!"

"It's fine," I say, squirming happily. "I get it. Really. Let's… just find some more?"

"O-okay! Alright, yeah, let's… I'll let you know if I feel anything moving?"

I bob my body up and down in a nod.

"That sounds great."

The rest of the day goes more or less like that, with hunts and chats and copious amounts of meat. I fall asleep pleasantly exhausted after we make camp, and wake up on Earth feeling better than I have in months. With a stretch and a yawn, my chitinous limbs clicking lightly as I shake them out, I start my day.

Refresh myself clean! Get dressed comfy and cute! Actually cook myself some eggs! I'm just about humming with joy when I make it to the bus stop, my morning routine complete and satisfying. Valerie arrives soon afterwards, and… ohhohoho? What's this I spy? Is that an itty bitty bit of breast tissue I see growing?

"Congrats on the upcoming nipple pain!" I tell her, giving her two thumbs up.

"W-what?" she asks, blinking in confusion. "Wait, you mean…?"

"Yeah, pretty sure!" I report happily. "I mean, I dunno if it'll be different for you, but my chest sure hurt like heck while it was growing. It's normal for girls. Less normal is the tail you also seem to be growing but like, y'know. Monster puberty is a little different."

"Is that what this is?" Valerie asks, her tiny stub of a tail wiggling underneath her clothes and holy jumping beans that is so adorable, gosh. "Monster puberty? Mega ultra puberty two point oh?"

"Puberty two: electric boogaloo."

"Puberty strikes back."

"The… Pubescening?" I try.

"Nope. You lose. We're done," Val declares.

"Fine, fine," I sigh, waving her off with as much dignity as I can muster. "Let's see what else I can see… hmm. Honestly, it's not much. Your changes are still going really slowly. That still what you want?"

"Yeah, I think so," Valerie nods. "I'll let you know if that changes, promise."

"Okay, okay, sorry. I'm just weirdly excited about it," I admit. "Helen and I went hunting together a bunch last night and it was just so nice, I don't even know how to describe it."

"As a date?" Valerie ventures.

"Wh—no!" I stammer. "No, it wasn't like that. Not with Helen, I… hmm. I mean Helen is very… but she said she didn't… b-but it doesn't matter! I just broke up with Autumn, I'm not really looking to get into another relationship this soon."

"Yeah, that makes sense," Valerie nods. "Sorry for teasing."

"It's fine," I insist, nervously rubbing my hip-limbs together. "Helen's probably not even gay anyway."

"That's what you said about Autumn," Valerie points out. "And Ida. …And me."

"Okay, okay, sure, but like, we literally had a conversation about attraction today!"

"And she said she was exclusively into men?" Valerie presses, seeming to somehow sense that is not in fact what Helen said.

"No she said she wasn't sure but she also said she specifically wasn't attracted to me because I'm a creepy little spider. Plus like, y'know, statistically, just running into another lesbian would be super unlikely, wouldn't it?"

"Hannah you haven't 'just run into' any lesbians so far," Valerie argues. "You and I have been lifelong friends because of our similarities. And I assume you and Ida have something like that too. It's not weird when a bunch of people with similar traits end up getting along with each together, that just makes sense."

"Okay, but Autumn—"

"—Was someone you bonded with over how incredibly strangely she treated you and how she liked the same nerdy books you like and how she was happy to go the mall with a cute girl she just met," Valerie says flatly. "I think your gaydar is better than you believe it is, you just use it to ignore everyone that's straight instead of actually finding dates."

"I don't ignore straight people!" I protest. "I just ignore boring people! And besides, Helen and I were forced together by circumstance. Totally random, totally by necessity."

Unless it wasn't totally random, I suppose. Sure, it seems like a coincidence that Sindri was right at the exit point to my tunnel when I first emerged, but could it have been intended by the Goddess? Was my meeting with Helen and Kagiso and Sela nudged imperceptibly? Are my friends just part of Her plot?

Does… does the Goddess ship me with someone? I swear I feel her caress my inner thigh for a moment after I have that thought, and I freeze, my breath hitching for a terrified instant. Did I just imagine that? Fuck, I'm going to convince myself I imagined that. The Goddess already touches me too much for my liking and I'd break in half if She… no. Nope. Nuh-uh. I rip my mind away from that thought and force myself to think about something else. I'm in a good mood today, remember?

The bus eventually arrives to take me to school, and of course the stares are a bit overwhelming, but I just mentally push them aside and let Valerie babble about something adorable and tabletop-related. I figure I probably made a little too much of a splash yesterday, and I should focus on spending today proving that I can still behave. It's much easier than it was yesterday, the euphoria still wonderful but not making me outright manic.

There's also no gym today, which means I don't have to deal with the weirdness of Jet being friendly with me. Instead I only have to deal with Alma stealing glances at me whenever she thinks I'm not looking (which is silly because my spatial sense is pretty much fully functional now and I am therefore always looking) but refusing to say anything or get near me. Which, of course, is entirely fair, but still awkward.

People bother me with questions literally all day, and I do my best to give polite and honest answers as long as we're not in the middle of class, though that means I ignore most of them. And… that's pretty much how my school day goes. Nothing explodes or goes wrong. I just have a nice day for once. It's… neat.

I'll admit to having some possibly ill-advised optimism when I go to work as well, but hey, I'll take my good vibes where I can get them. Just actually kind of being a little happy for once is so overwhelming to my dopamine-starved brain that I find myself constantly wiggling or bouncing idly without even thinking about it. I head inside and my boss asks if I can work the kitchen tonight, which of course I can, and the shift begins.

It starts out okay. Then, things get busier. And busier. …And busier. The dinner rush seems to start early and refuse to stop, and for some reason I start to do a little worse if I get too in the zone, randomly attempting to grab pan handles and bowls with arms that don't even exist yet, though something twitches sympathetically underneath my first pair. Refresh isn't strong enough to do most of the cooking work without an incantation, either, although I can at least garnish every dish beautifully.

Besides, it's not like I can complain. I know why there are so many people here. All eyes in the restaurant are on me as I focus my main attention to the saute line while my blade and hip limbs work together to move plated dishes to the garnish side, magic the dish complete, and then place the finished plates on the ready counter. It's easy to coordinate all this somehow, even though I haven't really used my extra limbs for this job yet. I suppose a big part of it is just being way better at multitasking than I used to be, my experience seeing the world around me omnidirectionally and having so many more limbs to keep track of applying itself to more areas. I can look at what I'm doing everywhere in the cramped kitchen at once, see every dish that's cooking and how cooked it is without even trying. And at the same time, I can see the eyes of the guests watching me, enraptured, as my boss chats on the side with a well-dressed woman with a clipboard who's giving me a calculating stare.

Soon enough, she walks into the kitchen like she owns the place (which, given her behavior so far, I assume she actually does). She keeps a respectful distance, letting me continue to work, but starts to speak with me as if I wasn't already trying to juggle six different orders at once.

"Hello," she says placidly. "Hannah, correct?"

"Uh, that's me!" I answer, still slightly too distracted to get my 'look good for the boss' brain active. "I assume you're the regional manager?"

"Vice president, actually," she says.

I flub what I'm doing, nearly dropping a bowl and a saute pan, which I end up catching on the hot part. I carefully put it back onto the gas burner. Which is still producing an open flame. I shake my hand out, using Refresh to clean the soot.

"Oh," I say, my heart hammering a million miles a minute. "Okay! Um! It's! Great to meet you!"

I give her a big smile, then remember that my smiles are terrifying and shrink it down into a slightly less big smile. Goddess oh Goddess why is a vice president of my company here to talk to me holy butt beans! Well, I mean, I know why she's here to talk to me, it's because I'm a magic bug monster working in her kitchen, but it's been one day, what the heck happened!?

"Did… did you like, just fly here?" I squeak. "Gosh, I… I'm sorry, I didn't want to cause any inconvenience."

"It's… not an inconvenience, dear, it's my job," the woman says, her eyes wide as she stares at my unburned hand. "I hope you're alright?"

"Oh! Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I assure her. "I, um, pretty much can't be burned at all. Or electrocuted. Or… blinded, probably? I guess I've never checked, but it seems likely. Um. Ms. Vice President. Ma'am."

I quickly get back to working as quickly and efficiently as I can because the flipplin' fraggin' vice president of the company is here, aaaaaah!

"Just Yolanda is fine," she says, and I spend a bit of attention actually looking at her while I get my bearings back. She seems like she's probably in her mid forties, though she has the money to look like she's in her thirties instead. The breast implants are pretty obvious to my spatial sense; I've never actually seen any before now, but they're a bit distracting. Little silicone cups that look like they're filled with water? Salt water, I think. Very weird. Her tan is artificial too, but I can't really fault her for it because honestly her skin and makeup work are immaculate, just really well done. Assuming she does that herself I've got to give her mad props for how nice it makes her look. The deep bags under her eyes that it completely covers indicates she probably had a stressful flight here, though.

"Why, um. Why are you here?" I ask. "I mean, y'know, I guess I expected to talk to somebody but I didn't think it would be you and I didn't think it would be this, um… fast."

"Well, Hannah," she says, still looking me over with an intense stare, "you have become a rather major trend on social media. In our company uniform, I might add."

"Oh," I say. Already? Really? Wow. "Sorry about that."

She chuckles lightly.

"There's no current sign it's a bad thing," she says wryly, "though that is what I am here to investigate, if you don't mind a few questions."

"Uh, yeah," I nod. I'm only running the entire kitchen by myself during an insane dinner rush, not like I'm busy or anything. "Sure. Go for it."

"Great. Ah, well, I suppose to start, I should ask… how are you doing all of this?"

"Um," I manage, dumping the contents of two saute pans into bowls before quickly moving to the grill to grab the chicken. "With… my limbs?"

"Right, the… limbs. Did you develop them somehow?"

"No, I grew them," I say. "I'm not a human being."

"Okay," she says, slightly condescendingly. "But when we employed you, you presumably provided evidence of citizenship, such as a birth certificate?"

"Yeah, I have a birth certificate," I confirm. "I was born here. I'm an American citizen. I'm just not a human one. I'm, uh. Well, I don't really know what I am. Some kind of fourth-dimensional magical bug person, I guess. This just kind of started happening to me, it's a bit of a long story."

"I see," she says, in the tone of voice of someone who doesn't really see at all. "I've noticed that this kitchen is extremely clean, especially given the time of day. Is that your doing?"

"It is, yeah. Watch out."

I cast a quick Refresh on one of the saute pans I just used, pulling the grease and hot oil clean off of it, dunking the grease in some water so it isn't burning hot, and then moving it to the trash to leave me with a perfectly clean pan. The vice president's eyes bulge in disbelief, and I keep working.

"What was… how…?"

"I am," I repeat slowly, "a fourth dimensional magical bug person. And I guarantee you that right now, this is the cleanest kitchen in the entire world."

"You," she says slowly, swallowing a lump of fear, "should not do that anymore."

What? I can't help but scowl at that absurdity.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because we do not know what it is. How did you do that?"

"Magic," I answer.

"Well there are no laws for… for magic," she says. "No guidelines. No rules. And I think it would behoove us to not be the reason those laws have to be made."

Dang it. Dang it! Is she serious? But I love Refresh. I love how clean it makes everything. I love how much it helps me with simple little tasks. I thought my bosses would love it too! Why wouldn't they!? It just cleans and sorts, it's pretty much the one spell I have that doesn't have any negative side effects for creepy implications. It's just good. And they're not going to let me use it? That's such bullpoop! I shouldn't have to put up with this!

…Wait. Wait. Do I have to put up with this? Can I… assert myself?

"I guess I could probably just get another job, in that case," I tell her. "If I'm really huge enough for a VP to fly out here to see me, I'm sure some company or another would take a chance on me."

"Hannah, it's a matter of safety," the vice president frowns.

"So are the health inspections we've apparently been failing," I counter. "And, well, just a quick question for you: do you know, off the top of your head, how many people should be working in this kitchen right now? Based on the time of day."

"I don't—"

"It's three," I cut her off. "There should be three people. According to your company guidelines. One on each of the stations I'm currently working alone. And, y'know, callouts happen, but it feels like this has been happening a lot lately. It's especially weird because I'm pretty sure that despite always being understaffed, we had a round of layoffs a couple months ago. I think the company policy was five before that, wasn't it? But of course, it's our fault that ticket times are high and the store is filthy. Employee responsibility and all. We're ultimately pretty replaceable. If somebody decides they don't want to put up with working conditions like this, you can always just find someone with lower standards."

"Ms. Hiiragi—"

"I don't really use most social media much," I continue, "but it sounds like I should probably start. It seems like I could get a lot of influence very quickly. And, well, as a part timer I didn't really have to sign an NDA or anything. Because as long as your restaurants are up to code, I wouldn't ever know anything that could damage your company in the first place, right?"

My body continues to shift and click, limbs flashing around the kitchen as I prepare a half-dozen meals at once. She watches me, her eyes struggling to track some of my more efficient movements as calculations churn inside her head.

"...I'll have a talk with our legal team," she eventually says. "If you could… explain things in a bit more detail, on the record, I'm sure we could work something out to accommodate you."

"Oh, well thank you, ma'am," I say politely. "I appreciate that. I really do like this job."

I give her an extra-big smile, and she returns it with a rather strained one of her own. Oh, gosh. I think I could get used to this.