28. Big Reveal (Patreon)

Kagiso hugs me tightly, almost cracking my chitin as the tears stream slowly down my carapace. The paladin and the Chaos mage talk in the background, exchanging little niceties, assurances that they don't intend to fight, hesitant and barely believed. It doesn't really go anywhere until the subject abruptly changes.

"How much was lie?" Kagiso asks quietly.

Helen and Hagoro both turn to look at her, because even a whisper from Kagiso demands attention right now. There's a horrid tension in her muscles, fury bubbling inside of her and demanding an outlet. She's grieving, yes, but Kagiso grieves like a force of nature.

"To answer that, I'd need to know what all he told you," Hagoro answers calmly. "What happened?"

For a moment, I think Kagiso is going to attack him. Not for any wrong he committed, but just because.

"Teboho come with me on hunt," she says quietly. "We return, village gone. Just… craters. Empty. Except for Sindri. He there. He ask if we want justice. We never even think of say no. No ask who, no ask how, no ask risks. Just go."

"I see," Hagoro answers softly.

"Trusted him on everything," Kagiso hisses, the words flowing out of her, far more than she usually bothers with all at once. "Now, head full of questions. Said all Chaos mages must die. But Helen was friend. Wouldn't have. Right? And you Chaos hunter. You sparing her. So was lie, yes? All was lie?"

Hagoro and Helen share a glance.

"...Did you destroy Kagiso's village?" he asks.

Helen turns away and stays silent, though the guilt on her face is answer enough.

"I see," Hagoro says. "Truthfully, Kagiso, I suspect Sindri lied about very little. Perhaps even not at all."

"What," Kagiso growls.

"Officially, it is the job of a Chaos hunter to kill anyone or anything aligned with the element, without exception," Hagoro confirms. "Most of our work involves hunting beasts with that particular alignment, since sapient Chaos-aligned individuals tend to be killed at birth. It's hardly unheard of for a mother to be unwilling to do so, of course, or for one to be born in a place that can't check on such things. It's under those conditions that we see the truth of things."

He glances at Helen again.

"...Chaos mages aren't inherently malicious," he says. "They're just people with a form of magic that's hard to control, but like all magic they still want to use it. Yet they can't, lest they be outed as a Chaos mage and killed. So their control gets worse with disuse, and tragedies start to happen. That is not how it has to be, however, and the Disciples of Unification defy this law. This is secret, for obvious reasons, as we would be banned from most nations if this became evident, but I work as a Chaos hunter to seek out people that can be saved and bring them somewhere they can live without fear."

Helen jolts with surprise at that, first staring at Hagoro in shock… but her eyes quickly narrow into deep suspicion. For my part, I just listen, watch, and do nothing, because I'm utterly out of willpower. I'm so exhausted, physically and mentally, that if someone told me that I was dead right now, I'd believe them.

"So you are criminal," Kagiso grunts, "and Sindri upstanding Chaos hunter. No lies. Then why get in head?"

"Well I don't know the man all that well," Hagoro says, nudging the headless corpse with his boot, "but I suspect he was just insecure. Anyone with a mind control spell is the type of person who would want to mind control people, that's how magic works. They want the certainty of trust rather than the actual presence of it, and so they violate others and think to themselves all the while that it's for a good cause. Chaos hunters fight what they see as unambiguous evils, people marked by the very Goddess as a monster from birth. From the very start, they're clearly not interested in thinking complexly about morality."

The Goddess herself chuckles at that, the non-sound thundering through my carapace as she continues hanging lazily in the room thanks to Hagoro's Zone of Law. I'm not quite sure how to interpret Her amusement, but it feels like the more salient issue is the implication behind Hagoro's claims on magic. If someone who would enjoy mind controlling people gets mind control spells, what sort of person gets disintegration spells? He's contradicting his own anti-typecasting rant about Chaos mages by typecasting Pneuma mages immediately afterwards, and I don't understand why. I guess I don't even know if I care why, since I'm not in much of a position to care about anything right now. It just strikes me as a red flag, I guess. Is he manipulating us by demonizing our abuser? Does it count as manipulation to demonize someone's abuser, considering that abusers are extremely justifiable targets of demonization? I wish I could just not think about these things, but I'm slowly starting to come back to myself and realize that I'm still in a room with two of the most dangerous people I've ever met, both of whom just killed someone and both of whom potentially have reason to want to kill me.

Despite how terrifying that is, though, my brain is mostly fixating on the claim that Sindri didn't have any ulterior motives. I'm not even really sure why. It makes a kind of sense, I suppose. His spell was subtle at first, weak and unspoken. It couldn't have covered up any fundamental contradictions with reality until a day ago. I really wonder what he was thinking that whole time. Did he really just want me for my power? To just use me to do his job? No ulterior motives, no grand lies, just a man seeing an opportunity to destroy a threat to society with fewer casualties and deciding to take it? Did Sindri believe he was a good man? Knowing him he probably did, and something about that just makes everything that happened all the more chilling.

My chain of thought is finally broken when Kagiso stops holding me in a deathgrip, instead placing me gingerly on the ground before standing up and walking over to Sindri's corpse. Glowering down at it, she lifts a foot and I wish I could look away as she stomps, driving ribs into lungs and splattering gore up out the empty neck hole. I don't have the luxury of only seeing that, though, privy as my senses are to the snap of every rib, the way the heart squashes flat and unloads blood all across the inside of his chest. Then she lifts her foot right back up and slams it down again, then again and again and on and on, her growl evolving into a furious scream. When his torso is nothing more than a bloody pulp she releases the last of her anger with a roaring kick to his severed head, which bounces off of every wall in the room, picking up speed before eventually splattering against the ceiling like a watermelon shot out of a cannon. Mixed shards of bone and brain and guts and gore rain down from above, though Kagiso ignores it all and just stands still, her body heaving with heavy breaths.

Hesitantly, I scuttle up next to her and bump against her ankle. She relaxes, even if only slightly, and I take that as permission to crawl up her leg and onto her shoulder, using my cleaning magic to get the red stains out of her albino fur. As overwhelmed as I am, cleaning is the only thing my brain seems capable of.

"Good Hana," Kagiso mumbles quietly, and I move on to untangling her hair.

"I'm… surprised you could do all that inside the bounds of my spell," Hagoro comments absentmindedly, though he immediately seems embarrassed about addressing us. Kagiso just shrugs.

"Didn't attack anyone."

"Would you?" Helen asks suddenly. "If you could do that to me, would you?"

Kagiso turns her head to stare at the Chaos mage, giving her a long, slow blink.

"...You do it?" she asks.

"I… yes," Helen answers. "I killed everyone."

"Why?"

She seems taken back by the question, her face flashing a briefly haunted look before she turns away, nervously fiddling with the small sculpture she picked back up at some point.

"...It's not like it was on purpose," she mutters.

Kagiso shrugs.

"Okay. Believe you."

Helen flinches, a somewhat crazed look on her face as she stares at Kagiso in disbelief.

"...That's it?" she asks. "I… I killed your whole family. I killed Teboho!"

"He believe you too," Kagiso answers, turning away from her.

"That's why he died!" Helen shrieks.

Kagiso just glances up at where so much of Sindri's head is still stuck to the ceiling.

"...Disagree," she murmurs.

"To some extent, I also disagree," Hagoro butts in. "Chaos magic is inherently volatile, true, but you can learn to control it. The fact that circumstances conspire against you ever successfully doing so simply means—"

"I know how to fucking control it!" Helen snaps. "I have to use it. It builds up if I don't. I just made a mistake living with people, that's all."

"Well, Helena, I assure you that we can give you ample opportunity to—"

"Y-y-you know what, fuck you!" she suddenly snaps at him, jabbing a finger in his direction. "Shut up! Fuck you! I don't even know your name! I'm not going anywhere with you! All of you should just get the fuck out of here and leave me alone!"

Kagiso frowns at that, turning to face her.

"...But just found you," she complains.

"Kagiso I fucking killed everyone!" she snaps. "Are you stupid? Why the fuck are you still standing here?"

"Didn't kill everyone," Kagiso answers, pointing at her. "One friend left."

Helen gapes at her for a moment, then slaps a hand over her face, breaking out into humorless, hysterical giggles.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she asks. "Fuck, no, don't answer that. You're Kagiso. You've always been completely insane. We aren't friends, you stupid fuzzy bitch."

Kagiso wrinkles her nose.

"You make me nice picture."

"You asked me to draw you a bloody liver!" Helen laughs. "I made it as gross as I possibly could!"

"Yes," Kagiso nods. "Was nice. Hung in room."

"Ooooh, okay, I get it," Helen chuckles. "You're just insane. Did you ever even care about your family to begin with?"

I rub my legs together so fast I barely even know what I'm doing, a monstrous hiss filling the chamber with the sound of a threat. I don't know what's going on here, I don't know Helen the way Kagiso apparently does, but I am not okay with anyone making fun of her like that. I hop off Kagiso's shoulder and land on the ground, quickly starting to scratch out a message with my legs.

You don't get to say that, I scribble out. Apologize.

"Apologize?" Helen drawls. "I killed a whole fucking town and you want me to apologize for being mean about it?"

Well, I write, it would be nice if you apologized for the murder, too.

"Oh, yeah, sure, that'll make things better," Helen mocks. "I'm so sowwy I killed everyone you ever knew and loved! Can we be fwends again?"

"Yes," Kagiso answers.

"Shut up!" Helen screeches. "Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you!?"

Hagoro slams the butt of his polearm into the ground, and all of a sudden the feeling of being surrounded by the Goddess vanishes, the Zone of Law removed. It feels like being in a warm bath and suddenly having all the water disappear, the cold harshness of reality leaving me naked and bare.

"Ugh," Helen shudders. "Finally."

"I think we've reached a point where magical intervention is no longer required," Hagoro says. "I vote we exit this cave, and perhaps find somewhere to rest."

"I'm not going anywhere with any of you," Helen growls.

"Yes you are," Kagiso grunts, suddenly walking forwards and grabbing Helen by the wrist. She sputters in protest, but Kagiso just yanks her forward and starts heading towards the cave exit. "Traps off, Helen?"

"W-what?" she stutters. "No, they're not… they don't turn off. They just aren't all charged. Look, I can… you'll be fine."

"Okay," Kagiso nods, and continues dragging a staggering Helen out of the chamber. I tilt my body to get a better look at Hagoro with my eyes. He glances down at me and shrugs, then follows the two girls. I scuttle afterwards as well. This is… more than a little surreal. As we wind our way up the tunnel, we inevitably pass by Teboho's legs. Stress fills me as Kagiso approaches them. Is she really going to be okay? I'm pretty sure I'm not okay, and he was her brother.

Kagiso reaches down to grab both legs as she passes by, still keeping one hand around Helen's wrist. She picks up the disembodied legs, looks them over a few times, and then offers one in my direction.

"Hana hungry?" she asks.

I trip, lose my footing on the wood and end up doing a full roll backwards before stopping myself. I stand back up and firmly shake my body no.

"Hmm. Okay," Kagiso says, frowning a little. She tosses both legs to the side. Everyone gapes at her, which she either ignores or straight up doesn't notice.

At a certain point after exiting the cave, Hagoro figures out that Kagiso doesn't actually have a specific location she's leading us to, so he steps ahead and finds us a decent camping spot. He, Kagiso, and Helen start working together to clear out the area and make a fire pit, though it's noticeably less organized than it was with Sindri and Teboho. Helen also spends the entire time complaining, though she does seem to have a lot of camping experience. Which… makes sense, I suppose.

"So," Helen grunts at me. "What the fuck are you, anyway?"

Valid question! Unfortunately…

I have no idea, I answer.

"Your legs are all funky," she continues. Well, what the heck do I say to that? I drum them in a wave pattern, noting how they wink in and out of my normal vision as I do so.

Thank you for noticing? I write.

She squats down next to me, poking me with a finger. I'm… not sure how to feel about this girl. On one hand, she killed Teboho, but also she seems to be Kagiso's friend, or something? I don't really understand their history and I'm too awkward to ask. I still just feel numb anyway.

"...For a monster that tried to assassinate me, you're weirdly polite."

You saved me, I write back.

She blinks.

"What?"

Your magic counteracted the mind control I was under, I explain. You saved me. You deserve thanks for that, if nothing else.

"If nothing else, huh?" she asks.

You killed Teboho. He was a really good person.

She snorts, but it doesn't come off as dismissive as she probably intends it.

"Yeah," she agrees seriously. "I know."

She walks off, and I stare at her with no better insight on my opinion of her than before. She's abrasive, sure, but it's in the sort of weirdly fragile way that I bet Ida could easily reduce to tears if she wanted to. She's killed a lot of people on accident. That's pretty bad, but is it worse than me? I've killed a few people on purpose.

"So. Hana," Hagoro says, being the next to approach me while Kagiso and Helen continue to work. "Let's talk about your future."

Sure, I write out numbly.

"You've mentioned that you want to work to help the world," he says. "That you want to put effort into solving the problems that plague us."

Of course, I agree.

"How far are you willing to go in pursuit of that?"

I drum my legs, not entirely sure how to answer that.

I dunno, I write. Medium far?

He looks confused for a moment, then chuckles good-naturedly.

"Ah-ha, I see. Could you elaborate on that?"

Could you? I counter. I don't know enough about the world to understand what you're asking me to tell you. I've been here for… I dunno, less than twenty days, probably?

His eyebrows rise.

"Really? So little?"

Really. So like, I don't know what sorts of things I would be doing if I joined up with you guys.

"You're interested in joining?"

What? Ugh, this guy.

No, I just said I didn't understand what that would entail.

"Oh, I see," Hagoro nods. "Well… hmm. That's somewhat of a tricky question to answer, considering that it delves into some of the secrets of our organization."

"So, what, do you expect it to just follow you blindly?" Helen grunts. "That's some shady shit right there."

I'm a girl. I quickly write at her, grumbling internally. I'm not an 'it.'

"Whatever."

I hiss at her, and she ignores me. Hagoro clears his throat.

"...I suppose, given the circumstances, I could elucidate you," he concedes. "In truth, Hana, you wouldn't be doing much. You're neither qualified nor capable of handling the underlying issues facing our world as it is."

He seems to hesitate, so I decide to encourage him.

That makes perfect sense, I write. Please continue.

"Of course, of course. You're largely important because you can help us acquire unique insight into your condition. If we successfully study the link between the two worlds you inhabit, then we can ideally gain insight on how to sever that link, and ultimately prevent any more of your kind from being created in the first place."

Woah. Okay. Pretty extreme, but the circumstances caused by people like me are all pretty darn extreme themselves. I can see the justification behind trying to just stop us from existing entirely, especially if most of us are genocidally unreasonable enough to cause apocalypses.

With you so far, I confirm. What would that actually entail? Sitting around and being poked at by scientists?

"Ah… essentially, yes," Hagoro answers in a very suspicious manner.

So what's the catch, then? I ask, since there obviously is one.

"Well, ah… you would be doing nothing else," he answers. "And, well, we haven't usually worked with cooperative individuals like yourself, so ideally this wouldn't be as much of an issue, but historically, the tests have always culminated in the subject's death."

Silence. Kagiso and Helen both stare at him, dumbfounded, as I find myself without any idea of what to say.

"It's for the sake of the world," Hagoro presses awkwardly.

"Wow, uh, yeah, I'm glad I already told you to fuck off," Helen supplies.

"Helen, I assure you that we're genuinely interested in keeping you safe," Hagoro answers her.

"I don't really like whatever the fuck your definition of 'keeping people safe' is!" Helen snaps back.

"Hana is a unique case," Hagoro insists, but Helen is already looking like she's tensed to bolt. And I don't even remotely blame her!

This 'unique case' says no, I quickly scribble. You can't seriously expect me to agree with that.

"Hana, please…" Hagoro presses.

Please what? Submit myself to lifelong suffering and death because other people like me have done really bad things? That's a load of beans and you know it!

"It's a load of what?" Hagoro mutters. "No, wait, it doesn't matter. I… I'm sorry, Hana, but I'm afraid I have to insist."

A chill flows through my body. Really? Already? Things are going badly this soon? Ugh. I guess I expected this. I tense myself for an attack, but Hagoro just keeps talking.

"I know… I know how unreasonable this sounds. Trust me, I'm aware, but… you must understand, the world is at stake! If not you, then the next one of you, or the next, or the next! Whatever it is that brings you will keep bringing you until we learn how to stop it."

"Holy shit I can't believe I almost thought you were being honest," Helen hisses, and a darkness even my spatial sense can see blooms around her palm. "You were just going to kill me too, weren't you?"

"No," Hagoro shakes his head, but he readies his spear as well. "I wasn't. But if I must, then—"

"Velocity," the Goddess says with Kagiso's voice, and in one fluid motion my fuzzy friend raises and fires her bow. The arrow screams towards Hagoro, catching him by surprise but only connecting with his magically-enhanced armor. I watch, almost in slow motion, as the arrow taps his chest plate and seems to stop instantly, not even so much as scratching the metal. For an instant I despair, wondering if we've just started a fight we can't win, but then Hagoro rockets backwards, suddenly launching hundreds of miles an hour in the same direction that the arrow once went and smashing into a tree.

"Won't hurt him," Kagiso grunts, and sure enough his organs didn't so much as jiggle from the hard impact. A limit to her spell? "We run."

I'm good with running anyway. I dash towards Kagiso and she scoops me up into her arms, yanking Helen's shoulder as she passes.

"Hey!" Helen snaps, apparently ready to fight, but she still follows along as Kagiso refuses to let go.

The Goddess, I notice, does not leave, even after Kagiso's spell is long over. She hovers all around us, suffusing the air and whispering silent chuckles. Licking her lips in anticipation, she watches as Hagoro inhales to speak.

"Zone of Law: No Retreat."

Kagiso screams, convulsing as her body is forced to a stop. She trips, faceplanting into the dirt and leaving Helen and I to abruptly turn around, facing down Hagoro as he extracts himself from the ruins of a tree and promptly thunders towards us. I almost take a step into a nearby barren zone, but a sudden feeling of attention from the Goddess has me discarding that plan. I'm not resistant to Order or Barrier. Kagiso is, and she still got floored.

Even as Hagoro rushes towards us at a speed I never would have expected from a man so weighted down, my mind can't help but wander a little. It's funny, in a horrid sort of way. For all his evil, for all his violations, Sindri was right about one thing: I really do have to learn to kill if I want to survive in this world. I'd wondered back on Earth about all sorts of horrifying conspiracy theories. I'd thought maybe the bandits he had me kill weren't bandits at all, but more victims he prepared in some evil attempt to train me like a fucking Pokémon. But they weren't, were they? The Tree of Souls is just a lawless, dangerous place, ravaged by magic and the people who think the power it grants them allows them to force their will on others. I'd come here to kill someone on his behest. Now I stand beside her against his killer. The world really is absurd sometimes, isn't it?

Fuck it. I'm too tired to care anymore. There's only one rational response to this.

"Spacial Rend," I intone, and the Goddess pulls the breath from me with joyous laughter.

All at once, I feel a mental pressure leave me. My movement becomes a lot less restricted when I intend to fight. I don't try to find out if I can leave this dimension yet, though, instead leaping up on Helen's shoulder, causing her to yelp in surprise as I bring a claw up to intercept the glaive about to take her head. Hagoro aborts the strike, avoiding my Spacial Rend-enhanced claws and preventing me from destroying his weapon.

"Get off!" Helen shrieks, trying to grab me and throw me off of her despite the fact that I just saved her life. Crap, I can't accidentally cut her!

"Ricochet," Kagiso hisses, throwing a pair of rocks which Hagoro has to block to prevent them from striking weak points in his armor. She's in serious trouble, though, being a ranged fighter that can't step backwards, and Hagoro knows it. He quickly circles around us to take a swing at her, which is when Kagiso grabs me and winds up her arm for a throw.

Wait… no! No no no no no! I hiss as loudly as I can. Kagiso, don't do it!

"Ricochet!" she roars, and then yeets me directly at Hagoro.

If I had a stomach that actually existed in the third dimension, I'd be unloading its contents through the air. Kagiso didn't just throw me, she put some serious spin on it, turning me into a deadly pinwheel of sharp legs. I don't actually get dizzy or disoriented, perceiving my own body from the outside like I do, but that only allows me to realize how completely screwed I am in the split-second before Hagoro's expertly-swung blade carves me in half as I fly. It's a perfect overhead chop, I'm going to be completely bisected. I watch in utter horror as my body approaches and ultimately connects with that magical blade, my own empowered legs too strained by centrifugal force to make any sort of counterattack. This is how I die, huh? Being thrown like a baseball by a four-armed, four-breasted catgirl that's currently smiling like she just won the lottery. Huh. Wonder what that's about.

I bounce off of the blade.

The moment I make contact with the edge of the glaive, my momentum shifts, my speed multiplying dramatically and sending me on a high-velocity trip into the ground. But of course, I bounce off of that too, and the combined impacts seem to have halted my ridiculous spin. I hold a claw out as I ascend, and carve Hagoro's body from scrotum to sternum.

His armor's thick, but my 'blades' ignore it, passing through the magical plate without issue. I don't think I cut him deep enough to kill, but it's a long cut, and it's deep enough that blood blooms from it at startling speeds, leaking out of his body at a rate that could very easily be deadly. Hanging in the air above him like a perfectly set volleyball, I watch as he staggers backwards from the blow, and then his own Zone of Law kicks in, knocking him to the floor as the Goddess howls with laughter. Then she vanishes, Hagoro deactivating the spell and—judging by his rapidly-closing wounds—activating a healing spell in its place. Well, can't have that. Obeying my instincts, I take both of his right arms on the way down, severing them just below the shoulder. His weapon clatters to the ground next to them, and he falls to one knee.

"...I yield," Hagoro croaks.

"You think we're gonna fucking listen to you after that?" Helen growls, raising her arm towards him and taking an ominous breath. I hiss to try and stop her, jumping between her and the man that just surrendered, but it's already too late.

"And So She Wept," the Goddess says with a smile, "Finding Beauty In Oblivion."

I am struck by annihilation, and I wake up on Earth screaming from the pain.

My first instinct is to clamp down on the noise. The last time I woke up screaming my mom rushed into the room, and I don't need that making everything worse. Because like, beans on toast, did I just die? Ohhhhh Goddess I think I died! I mean, maybe. If I died and woke up here, does that mean it's over? That I won't go back when next I sleep? Or will it be worse somehow? It would totally figure if the Goddess runs Hell and decides to send me there whenever I sleep now.

But… hold on. I should calm down a little. I already had this scare once before when I was first being persistence hunted by Sindri. It's very possible I was just knocked unconscious. I resist Chaos, after all. Plus, like… I'm pretty sure I can check? When I use my shapeshifty spell I sort of feel both of my bodies. If I can still do that, logically my other body is still alive, right? Of course, that would necessitate accelerating my transformation, at least a little bit. Is that worth not being anxious all day over whether or not I'm literally dead?

Huh. Wait, I think it is. Am I really going to take action to reduce my anxiety? Really?

…

Wow! Okay then! Time to recklessly use magic with far-reaching long-term consequences to solve a short-term problem. Brendan is going to be so proud of me!

I sink into the headspace for my Transmutation spell without even bothering to figure my humanoid limbs out. I just close my eyes again and focus on that magic-filled thread spanning between worlds, reaching out across it and letting the power flow through enough to get a glimpse at my other self. It's barely more than a vague impression, but it's enough to know I'm alive, if heavily damaged. I let magic flow through the spell, trying to repair my other body like I repaired myself when I miscasted here on Earth. I feel it start to work a bit, and I figure that's all I need. Don't want to overdo things. I let myself come back to my body, releasing a deep breath before opening my eyes and immediately getting a massive headache.

Aw, lard. What did I do to myself this time? Cycling through my limbs, I get out of bed and check myself over in my room briefly, not seeing anything out of the ordinary. At least, not until I rub my temples and come back with a clump of hair in my hand. Oh, no. I can't go bald! I won't be able to hide that! I mean, I guess I could get a wig, but… aaaagh no no no no no!

I quickly rush to the bathroom, not bothering to cover myself up first since I can sense that there isn't anyone in the hallway. I strip down and take another look at my head, tugging lightly at my hair. To my utter horror, I come away with a few more small clumps… but that's it. I have a handful of hair, but most of it still seems to be firmly rooted in my scalp where it belongs. What the heck is… wait. What are those spots on my forehead? There are little dark spots under the skin, two on my forehead and one next to each temple. Am I going to grow horns or something? They're just a little smaller than my… eyes.

I'm growing eight more eyes, aren't I?

I pull my hair back, and sure enough there's a discolored spot of my scalp over every part of my head that went bald. Eight little patches form a ring around my head, each small enough to easily get covered by the hair I have left. Not the ones on my face, though. Sure, they're not all that visible right now, but the time bomb has officially started ticking. I guess I could wear a headband or something, but it's all just so visible! Right on my face! Gah! Imagine when the eyes actually grow in and I get a bunch of new holes in my skull and they all start bleeding at once when they emerge and it'll just… nope! Nope nope nope let's not imagine that actually, I changed my mind! I'm gonna just go shower and consider this as little as possible.

Honestly, there's a lot I don't want to be thinking about right now. I'm so sorry, Teboho.

I manage to keep my head blank all the way to the bus stop, my mind simply too exhausted and overwhelmed to put much effort into thinking about things in the first place. Makeup covers the discolored spots where eyes are growing in under my skin, and it'll just have to do. I follow Brendan's advice and face towards his house instead of the street, and therefore spot him long before he can somehow surprise me. I give him a dull wave.

"Did you figure out any spells last night?" I ask him.

"What?" he asks back, blinking in surprise.

I open my mouth, then close it. Oh holy carp I totally forgot to tell him he's an Art mage. I feel a blush start rising up my cheeks.

"Uh… you're a wizard, Harry," I tell him numbly. "Sorry, I should have said so last night but like… well, I had a bad day."

"Wait, like really?" Brendan gapes, his eyebrows rising. "Holy shit, Hannah. I think a Harry Potter quote is the absolute worst possible way you could have told me this."

"Look. I… I've been better, Brendan. Sorry."

"Oh. Right." Brendan stares at me, and with what must be absolutely herculean effort, he focuses on something other than the possibility that he has magic. "...What happened?"

"Well, two people died," I answer quietly, "but at least one of them was Sindri."

"...Was the other the Chaos mage?"

"No," I answer. "Teboho."

"...Fuck."

"Yeah," I nod. "I don't think I can talk about it right now. Your magic is Art magic. That's about all I know."

"I am not going to be able to focus on school today at all," Brendan sighs.

Our bus ride is quieter than usual, and I'm okay with that. My first class is with Ida, so naturally she approaches me right away, looking particularly cocky.

"Hey," I nod. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fucking awesome," Ida answers. "What about you?"

Eh, no sense lying. Won't work on her.

"I'm not great," I admit.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" she asks.

"Probably not," I shrug.

She steps forward and jabs me in the ribs with a finger.

"Fuck you!" she snaps. "I take that as a challenge. You don't know what I'm capable of."

…And then she walks back to her seat, leaving me feeling distinctly Ida'd. Well, whatever. I have… a lot to do, since I need to catch up on all of yesterday's classwork as well as today's. I mean, actually doing any of this is laughable since I probably won't even be passably human by the time any of it is due, but it's something to do and that's what my brain needs right now. My whole head feels like a giant bruise, physically and emotionally, and losing myself in routine is the only way I know how to cope. I make some decent progress in first period, but second period today is gym class. I'm… not looking forward to it.

I deliberately wait outside the locker room until after Autumn leaves, only then going inside and changing in a bathroom stall. I don't want to ogle her, especially after we've de facto confirmed we aren't dating, and I don't trust my self-control at the moment. Or in general, I guess. I'm late getting out of the locker room, but the extra laps I'm forced to run as a result don't even register to me. I run pretty much on autopilot, setting a pace without really thinking about it and moving without putting any real effort into it. I do my best not to think about Autumn as I approach her from behind and pass her, but unexpectedly she shoots a hand out and startles me out of my funk.

"Hey!" she hisses at me. "Slow the fuck down, you idiot!"

I blink dumbly at her.

"...Jet?" I guess.

"Yeah, it's me," she quickly dismisses. "Now don't use that name at school, and start acting like you're tired. You're moving at the pace of a competitive runner, a nerd like you should be dying by now."

Huh? Oh. She's protecting my secret identity or whatever. That makes sense.

"...Thanks," I nod, and slow down a little. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize to me," she grumbles. "Are you okay? You seem really out of it."

I turn away from her and don't respond. I'm not sure I can.

"...That's a no, then," Jet sighs. "Look, if it's about… her, I'm sorry. She hasn't told me shit, but I assume that means the two of you didn't talk yesterday?"

"Yeah," I confirm.

"Alright, then you probably shouldn't press her today, either. She'll get over it a day or two from now, probably."

"Okay."

She gives me another concerned look, which I don't have any way to prevent myself from knowing about with my spatial sense so focused on her. It feels weirdly intrusive to be unable to look away, at least for a certain definition of 'look.' My spatial sense still doesn't give me fully comprehensible sight like it does on the other side, but the impressions I get from it are often just as good. And the way Jet's body is moving underneath her outfit is… well, yet another thing that I'm actively trying not to think about it.

Hmm. There is one thing I need to say, though.

"There's a chance you have magic now," I say. "I can't really check you to make sure when we're in public, but some other people I've casted around have souls, even though most people don't. So be careful."

Jet chuckles humorlessly.

"You think I might have a soul, huh? How touching. I guess there was no way I was getting out of that still normal. Hey, if all else fails, that'd be one way to convince you-know-who that I'm not crazy."

I nod, but don't answer. Jet frowns, but also seems content to be silent. The rest of gym passes without incident, and if the teacher notices my oddly high stamina he doesn't comment on it. The lunch they serve today doesn't smell like something I can actually eat, so I go without. Classes fly by one after the other, and I'm fairly certain that by the time I get back on the bus home I haven't said a single word to anyone since gym class.

"...Hannah?" Brendan asks as he sits down next to me.

"Hmm?" I mumble.

"Hey, Hannah. I'm here for you, alright?"

I turn my head and look up at him, blinking twice to try and push away the fog.

"...I'm tired of this," I mumble.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I… can I hug you?"

"Yeah," I allow, and he does, putting his arms around me in the middle of this stinky old school bus. That's all it takes for the dam to break and for me to start to cry.

There are no despairing wails, no loud laments at the unjustness of my situation. Just silent sobs, tears falling onto Brendan's hoodie and little shakes of my body to accompany them. It's not fair. Not fair that I should have to be a part of so much death. I'm just some girl. It's not fair. It's not.

I don't want to be a part of this twisted game the Goddess is playing. I don't know why she chose me, or even if she chose me, but I don't think I'm up to the task. I didn't have my life together before all this started, the combat trauma, mind rape, and general PTSD aren't exactly helping me out. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I don't mean that in a suicidal way, I just… something has to change. This is too much, and all I have to weather it is my routine.

"You gonna watch the stream today?" I ask, sniffing up another tear as Brendan and I step off the bus.

He opens his mouth to say something, but he ends up shaking his head in exasperation instead.

"Wouldn't miss it for all the Art magic in the world," he answers, and we part ways.

I trudge upstairs, my legs feeling like lead… though not because of gym class today. I drop my backpack in my room and head to the bathroom to quickly fix my makeup with a spell. …Along with my hair. And the rest of my appearance. I'm a lot more presentable after I sort the extra blood out of my eyes, removing any traces that I was just crying. Deep breath, fake smile. Even behind the facemask, it's important. They can see happiness in your eyes, just like they can see fear.

I double-check that my room is clean and everything is positioned right (it always is) and I sit down at my desk, taking in one last gulp of air before booting up Twitch.

"Hey everybody!" I announce happily. "Welcome back to the Nuzlocke!"

I immediately get a message informing me that I've received 30 subs from Lucarivor29.

What.

[Lucarivor29]: that's enough for the reveal right? :3

[SwalotRancher]: holy shit the bit

[LavAbsol]: It is time!!!

[NougatKin]: Activate DD hand tier

[ZirconCommando]: egirl mode engaged

"Uh. Wow," I manage to say, dumbfounded. "This is a surprise. Uh, thanks, Lucarivor."

I… did not expect this. I barely even expected it at all, let alone this soon.

[PentUp]: give us the hand pics DD

[BirbBirb]: yeah!!!

Well, you know what? Screw it. Sure. Why not! I don't even care anymore. I make a show of it, peeling the first glove off partway only to swap to the second glove before anything actually comes off. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. On camera, to the world! There's no undoing this, but for some reason it's so hard to care right now. I've done a lot of things I can't undo. What's one more?

The gloves come off. I flex my fingers, showing off the contrast between the bone-white chitin and the pitch-black joints. Then I shake my hair out, pull it back a little, and remove my mask, giving the chat a wide, wide grin.

"I am uncontrollably mutating into a horrifying abomination," I announce, "but that's a bit too terrifying for me to handle right now, so I'm going to distract myself with Pokémon."

The chat, predictably, goes ballistic, some people calling the bit lame but most seeming super into it. My heart is beating a million miles an hour as I adjust the camera to have a good view of my hands as I play, though it really seems to be the teeth that are getting the most attention. I get to show them off every time I talk, and for some reason it's exhilarating. Scary, certainly, but not in the way I was expecting. Not in the way that my life usually goes. Sure, they all think it's fake, but… they like how I look. People actually like who I am.

Predictably, it's my most successful stream to date. People really like a good gimmick.